I don't know if we're going to get the place on Colfax. The realtor called me last night on the Beet Phone (Get it? Like the Bat Phone? Do you see what this is doing to me?) and said there was another couple interested. So now we need to meet the owner, and then he'll decide who gets it. Maybe you should wear a low-cut top (kidding). Maybe I should wear a low cut top. ;-) Anyway, he can meet with us tomorrow at 12:15, so...good lunch break?

So, at the beet farm, Dwight's cousin Mose keeps whittling things for me--some of them look phallic. Last night, he placed one on my chest while I was asleep. I'm not kidding. This morning, I woke up with this wooden thing on me! It looked a little bit like Shirley Temple. I know that because Angela brought over a movie to watch last night--it was pleasing and wholesome. (Good guess! Those are not my words.) Mose sat thisclose to me. If you decide not to marry me, I think I have a really good chance with Mose, but I'll have to move to Massachusetts to make an honest man of him. Just so you know, it's in the same time zone... :-)

About the flowers, you know what? The flowers are fine. You have nice taste, even though I don't like that they're just like the ones Phyllis had. I just need to live with you. Not just because living at the beet farm is insane. I really need to be with you.

I forgot to tell you--Michael didn't come out of his office at all yesterday after you left. What did you say to him?

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Subject: Let's go over to Pam Beetsly for the follow-up
From: PBeesly@DunderMifflin.com
Date: 05/20/2008 9:05 AM
To: JHalpert@DunderMifflin.com

We'll just be ourselves when we meet the owner; it'll be fine. Plus, everyone loves you. (Really--I took a poll!) We'll get the apartment. Maybe you should polish the Beetmobile to make extra sure we make a good impression. ;-)

Maybe Mose can whittle flowers for us--I'm sure he will if you ask. ;-) And will you ever let me live down that time zone thing? Seriously, banish that from your memory. Besides, I know all of the time zones now. And you're not moving anywhere except into the new apartment. You'll break it in for us. :-)

My flowers aren't like Phyllis's--hers were like mine. She copied my whole wedding. (Um, her dress might have been a larger size. Shh! I didn't say that!)

Re: Michael--I threatened him with Jan (again). Jan living with Michael is like the gift that keeps on giving.

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I feel you may have misinterpreted my email yesterday. I only meant that Jim clearly misses you very much and perhaps you could allow him to sleep on your couch until he finds a more appropriate place to stay. I'm sure it would be much better for all involved if you let him stay with you. If you feel you need a chaperone, Mose seems quite taken with Jim. I'm sure he'd be happy to curl up on a floor somewhere.

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I'm going to use kindness to convince Pam that she needs to let Jim move in with her. Reverend Miller suggested it when I spoke with him discreetly about the situation. I'm willing to try this, since she didn't respond to logic yesterday.

At lunchtime, I will be taking a brisk walk around the neighborhood. It would be a shame to waste this nice weather. I may be walking on some streets which are not well-traveled. It's possible that I'll need protection.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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I need a Pambulance! I'm dying of laughter! I left a note on your desk with a web link on it. Could you send it to all our office compadres, pronto? Also Todd Packer and anyone else you think could use a little fun today. It's hilarious! (Don't send it to Toby--he doesn't deserve any fun.)

You don't have to say it was from me--you can have all the credit.

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We've been through this, Michael. Corporate doesn't want you emailing this kind of link, and I won't do it for you. Of course, I could email it to Toby, Ryan, and Kendall to see if they approve...

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Thank you for considering the corporate deadline for those financial reports. Attention to detail is a fine quality in a receptionist.

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Never mind about that link. I was just kidding. I can't believe you thought I was serious. That's hilarious! Thank you.

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I really like your sweater. Is it new?

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Hey, Angela's being her version of nice. Be on the watch for weirdness with Dwight.

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I constantly watch for weirdness with Dwight. I shouldn't need to tell you these things, Pam; this is basic stuff, like Dwight 101. ;-)

The flowers are fine--I just don't want a bunch of reminders from Phyllis's wedding, but seriously that's fine about the flowers. What's next on the list? :-)

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Monkey,

I have a plan of my own that will cause Jim to leave the beet farm in no time, even if he has to sleep under his desk here. My only concern is that it relies on Mose's acting abilities, and as you know, Mose is no Mutie the Mailman. At best, he's a villager. But he's doing all right so far, and if my plan works, it's going to be astounding.

Possum

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.