Last night was the worst so far. I woke up in the middle of the night and Mose was sitting in a rocking chair next to my bed. When I asked him what he was doing, he said he was making sure I was still breathing!!! I helped him move the rocking chair to his room, but this morning, it was back in mine. So I asked Dwight if I could have bedroom 7, because it has a door that locks (from the inside--mine locks from the outside!) He said (and I quote) "Bedroom 7 is where we slaughter the pigs." It's like Deliverance there.

Hey, I can tell you're actually doing real work. I should probably do some of that, too. I hope our meeting with the owner goes well today--I really have to get off that beet farm.

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Dwight's just trying to scare you. Google ‘pig' and ‘slaughter.' No, actually, don't--it's gross. But trust me--not even Dwight would slaughter a pig in a bedroom with no running water. But if I'm wrong and you're in any actual danger, I'll be there right away to rescue you. Just use the Beet-Signal! (See? You're not the only one who can make silly beet puns. ;-))

Oh, and about once a week I try to get in a few minutes of real work--today's the day! ;-)

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My plan with Mose doesn't seem to be working--Jim shows no sign of leaving, and he's been scoping out the rest of the farmhouse and asking for more space. I guess it's not enough that he stored all his stuff in the barn. I'd be doing him a favor if I put half of it on the burn pile. He's a packrat in a minimalist world. It's pathetic. Also: unsanitary.

Fact: Mose is useless as an ally. Plus, the dogs are staying far away from Jim. I think I'll put some meat outside his window.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Clearly, your plan would have been more successful if you had chosen me as your ally instead of your cousin Mose.

Fortunately, I have a plan also. I may let you help.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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Michael, for the last time, stop offering us the conference room to ‘do it' in. I know that you're trying to get Rick to set up cameras in there, too. None of that will happen.

By the way, I called Jan and told her you'd be home for lunch today by noon. She said you should have a snack before you go, because you'll be tied up and won't have time to eat. I pushed your 1:00 appointment back to 2:00.

Maybe the next time I tell you to stop something, you'll stop.

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Your financial reports are complete and attached. I'll send them to corporate accounting by the end of the day unless you have comments. Jim and I have an appointment about an apartment; I'll be back by 1:30.

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Are you almost done with your phone call? We need to get going if we want to meet the owner...Don't worry, we'll get the apartment. Who could resist us? We're the perfect tenants. ;-)

I had something else to tell you--what was it? Oh, before your phone rang, you asked why Michael looked so nervous when he left. I told him earlier that Jan said he'd be ‘tied up' at lunch and wouldn't have time to eat. Really, though, she has homemade potato salad and bratwurst for him. Was I too mean, telling him that? (Before you answer, you should know that he was talking about ‘the private conference room of love' again.) ;-)

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Thank you for generating those financial reports for me. Your performance of the task was adequate and timely. I would appreciate it if you would send those along to Corporate immediately.

I am very interested in hearing about your apartment search and your appointment today. Perhaps I can help you with your efforts.

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Your reports have been sent--receipt was confirmed by Bob Eardy in corporate accounting.

Thanks for the offer to help, but we're really hoping to get this place over on Colfax. We met with the owner today and it went really well. He still has another couple to meet, but if he likes us better than them, we'll get it.

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OMG! When I saw this before we went out, I only looked at the title--I didn't realize there was more here. I finally just got a chance to read it.

Now I understand why Michael called you a tricky minx when we came in. By the way, that was disgusting. I'll have to talk with him about what he's allowed to call the future Mrs. Halpert. Minx will not be on the list. Maybe he should call you...pure EVIL! (I love it!)

I have a really good feeling about the apartment.

I forgot to tell you that I picked the 3rd highest amount of beets last night (I ‘beet' out 2 Mannheim cousins and 1 Schrute!) I would have been second, but I lost time laughing hysterically when Dwight fell for my werewolf prank. It was a full moon--how could I waste that kind of opportunity? :-)

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I have decided you can help me with my plan. You need to meet with a couple at 5 PM tonight and impersonate an apartment owner--I left the name and address under your keyboard. Make it clear to the couple right away that they aren't the sorts of tenants you want, and soon Jim will be off the beet farm forever.

I may be here a bit late tonight, in case you would like to stop by with good news for me.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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I will have good news for you. You can count on me. Question: Will there be refreshments tonight?

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

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If you have good news, refreshments will be made available. Otherwise, you'll go hungry.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.