Well, Jim's gone, but he left chaos in his wake. The dogs were in a frenzy when he went and it took about an hour to corral them in the barn. They didn't calm down until we bathed them twice. Michael insisted on getting in the bathing troth with the dogs, and then he splashed Mose and me and yelled "Wet T-shirt contest!" I have to wonder about Michael's power of observation, though, because he said Mose won. My chest musculature is clearly superior.

Mose took his victory to heart, though--he was insufferable the rest of the evening, even while we picked. Then when I woke up this morning, all my shuffleboard trophies were in a pyramid in the corner of my room and my 4-H prize-winning ribbons were pinned to the ceiling spelling out "Mose rules, Dwight drools." When I confronted Mose, he informed me he was clearing bedrooms 4, 5, and 6 for his personal use, and I could have bedrooms 7 through 9. I have no idea what happened to him. Perhaps you could think of a plan to put him in his place.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that sound of disgust from Angela? I wonder what's bothering her now. I'm not going to worry about it, though, because...

I LOVE THE APARTMENT! I'm so glad we got it. Don't bother filling up the closets, because I'll take 2/3 of them soon enough.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love the apartment, too! I especially love that you stayed there last night. What a difference a day makes - yesterday I woke up at the beet farm to a hearty breakfast of beet pancakes, and today I woke up to you. You can have all the closet space you want. But if you take up more than 2/3 of it, I'll have to get rid of some clothes and be naked half the time. You've been warned.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for the warning. And just in case you forgot the whole Seinfeld good naked/bad naked thing...

Good naked: in bed with me; anywhere that I'm naked; in the shower, with or without me.

Bad naked: answering the door for the pizza delivery guy; cooking; sanding floors; anything not listed under ‘Good naked.'

2/3 of the closets will be fine for me. ;-)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What Mose did in your bedroom is unacceptable, as is his claim to bedrooms 4 through 6. The kind of man I want for a mate would take a very hard line in this situation. If Mose were your child, would you let him run roughshod over you like this?

I hope you impressed Michael with your business knowledge, since that's why our plans had to change.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know how, if I try really hard, sometimes I'm just great at things, without even trying? I could be an awesome farmer. It turned out the beat party was really a beet party, where we picked beets, but I was a really good picker. Dwight and Mose couldn't even keep up with me. I said "Eat my soil, Schrutes!" (That's what us farmers call dirt. I'm a natural!)

Mose is Dwight's cousin and I thought he was going to be a big weirdo, but instead he just has this really neat way about him, where he can say so much in a few words. I never understood when they said ‘strong, silent type' before, but now I do. Plus, he's not a big nerd like Dwight. Do you think I should grow a beard? I think maybe I'd look good in one, but it might scratch you too much when I go "Brbrbrbrbr!" What do you think? Is Mount Janimanjaro ready for a bearded motorboat?

I think you might like picking beets under the moon and the stars. It was really romantic last night. I was almost overcome with the moment. You should come back there with me, maybe tonight. It's all-inclusive, like Sandals, Jamaica, mon!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael had no understanding of farming as a business, and he could never, ever be a farmer, not in a million, billion years. The whole thing was a bust. I was trying to talk with Michael during the beet picking party about beet farming, and how it relates to paper. But all he wanted to do was listen to Mose, who talked non-stop (four or five sentences in only four hours) about Jim and how good he was at picking, and how he fit into the farm like a Schrute (which was laughable. Also untrue.) I didn't even bother with Name that Beet, since all Michael could do was fawn over Mose.

After that, Michael was trying to show he could do everything better than Jim, and he was overzealous in his picking. We lost him for a while, and when we found him, he was trying to find beets to pick in the field with contested ownership. I sent Mose out later to cover our tracks, so the Devereaux family couldn't use it in the pending lawsuit. Mose was surly about going. I wonder if that could explain his attempted room coup this morning. The Mose situation is disturbing, but I will get it under control. You will see that I am a worthy mate. But even the fiercest champion depends upon his female to help take down his foes.

Speaking of foes, looking for Michael caused us to be late patrolling the farm, which in turn meant we weren't in time to catch the beet thieves. It was the north field near the cemetery again--there were beet greens everywhere! I wish they hadn't published that study about beets being an aphrodisiac. Damned teens and their internet access! I said that sort of information should only be for adult dissemination and Michael giggled and said "that's what she said." He doesn't understand at all. Beet thievery is a serious offense. Every beet taken is food off our table.

I'm not inviting Michael to Schrute Farms again, no matter how much he wants to come and see Mose.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pamela Lee Halpertson! Cancel the 10:00 meeting with Jim for me, okay? I wanted to talk about a ‘Hotness in the Workplace' seminar, but we can talk about it next week, instead. It'll wait! It's not like people are going to get more or less hot in a week, right?

Plus, I'm working on getting one more hottie in here--Dwight's cousin Mose. I thought he could take over Ryan's old duties, and be eye-candy for you ladies. I know you'll want to check him out. You're engaged, but you're not dead, right?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your 10:00 meeting with Michael has been canceled. It was to be a discussion of an upcoming ‘Hotness in the Workplace' seminar.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's sum up our week. You survived living on the beet farm for a while and you gathered intel on the enemy for future battles. We got a great newlywed apartment, thanks in part to some incredibly rude woman. You've made a lifelong friend in Mose (he called this morning, by the way. I think he misses you, plus you left your Shirley Temple figure there.) And finally, for the rest of my life, I'll be able to look back on this great image of you running from the farmhouse, arms waving, yelling "Beet farm dogs! Go! Go!" It's a good thing we'd already packed up the truck. You're right about those dogs. They're crazy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The dogs may have been sprinkled at the last moment with a mixture of beet juice, Scent-A-Way, and gravy. It's also possible that some of the mixture spilled on my shoes and pants.

You know, when you sum up the week like that...not a bad week. :-)

I forgot to mention to you--I left some metal parts and some drawings of Terminator arm designs hidden under a board I loosened. Sort of a time-delayed prank. Tick, tick, tick...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had an interesting discussion with your cousin Mose earlier. Apparently Michael has called him a number of times today trying to hire him. Please tell Mose that I'm sorry, but I can't file a harassment charge against Michael unless the complainant (the person against whom the alleged harassment has taken place) is or has been a Dunder Mifflin employee. I did check all the rules to see if there was any way I could do it. I really tried.

He may want to consider a restraining order instead. Or maybe just not answering the phone for a while. Michael sometimes forgets about things after a few days.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll tell Mose. It's curious, I didn't hear about this from Mose or Michael. As Mose's closest cousin and ranking #3 here at the office, I should have been informed about any offers going out. At least Mose has the good sense not to come here and try to compete with me in the paper business.

Question: Is there any sort of rule about co-workers staying with each other? Schrute Farms is a working farm, not a halfway house for down-and-out Dunder Mifflin men.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are rules that co-workers who are dating and/or cohabitating need to disclose it to HR, and in some cases, sign a waiver. This isn't the same sort of situation, but just mentioning it to Michael in passing may help you out.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is disgusting. Dwight just asked me to sign one of those love contracts to give to you. I don't know what you two skeevy little pervs were thinking. I'm also withdrawing my offer to Mose Schrute to be my Beverage and Errand Assistant.

I don't even want to see your face anymore today. You should just go home. Make sure to cover up with a manila folder or something as you go by my office.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We will have no unwanted Dunder Mifflin visitors at the farm this weekend. I have a plan to take back bedroom 4 by dawn, and bedrooms 5 and 6 by the end of the weekend. I will need your help. There will still be time for cookies.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I look forward to hearing about your plan. Planning and cookies go well together.

Perhaps we can go over these beet studies you talked about, also. We may be able to disprove the aphrodisiac qualities of beets, and cut down on the beet thievery. Alternately, we could prove the theories, and add mention of it to the Schrute Farms leaflet given out at the Farmer's Market. We may increase sales in this way. We will need to conduct very thorough research to determine the truth. It may take many evenings and weekends.

Sunday morning will still be reserved for church. Reverend Miller will be glad to hear that the situation with Jim at the beet farm was resolved.

P.S. Delete this email and empty trash.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jan called; I told her you were on a conference call and I wasn't sure when you'd be able to get home. Enjoy your freedom the rest of the afternoon.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm finished with the conference call Pam told you about and coming home in a few minutes. Since you probably haven't started dinner, I'm going to pick up some ‘za, and one of those Caesar salads you like, and maybe a little dessert. After dinner, let's go look out on the back deck and look at moon and the stars. We don't need a stupid beet farm to do that!

Maybe we should plant a little vegetable garden this weekend.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's Friday! Two days ahead of us where we don't have to be here and don't have to think about beets. Unless...you know, we could totally rent Beetman Returns. ;-) Seriously, I'm looking forward to two days of unpacking the new apartment and planning our wedding to make it ours.

You know I don't mind if you want to keep your apartment, right? We don't have to live together until after the wedding.

So tonight, should we not live together at your place, or our place? Awaiting a decision. <3

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Our place. Love you.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------