DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Today is an important day here at Dunder-Mifflin.
(raises a box and shows it to the camera)
New business card day. And not a moment too soon,
I was almost out.
INT. THE OFFICE-JIM’S DESK
We see Jim get a similar box as Dwight’s. He opens a drawer in his desk
and tosses it in. In the drawer you can see another unopened box just like it.
DWIGHT(VOICEOVER)
Because, unlike the incredibly unmotivated Halpert, I COM-
PLETELY utilize my business cards. I take them everywhere.
THAT’S the mark of a good salesman.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
A good salesman has to get out there and reach people.
It’s like I’m the kindly wizened paper genius that touches
the ignorant masses and teaches them all the ways of the
world. Like the way a grown man would touch a small boy.
(nods sincerely)
EXT. OUTSIDE-VARIOUS LOCALES
We see Dwight handing out a business card to a confused toll booth collector. Then trying to hand one to a worker on a ladder repairing a lamp. The man makes a half-hearted attempt to reach for it. Dwight jumps with card outstretched once, twice and then attempts to fling the card up to the worker. The card frisbees off and into some bushes.
Then we see Dwight at a gas station. The attendant takes his money and then looks at the card Dwight just handed him. Dwight smirks and nods to the camera and drives off. The attendant watches him go and the tosses the card into a trash bin next to one of the pumps.
DWIGHT (VOICEOVER)
But you never know where your next contact will be. Who will
be that huge client that gives you a massive sale and allows you to
laugh in your co-worker’s face. So I give them to everybody. You
know, just because it’s a funeral, it doesn’t mean that somebody
won’t need paper later on.
DWIGHT TALKING HEAD
DWIGHT
Because people die… but paper is FOREVER.
(opens box and starts to take a card out)
That’s good. I wonder if I can get a supplemental amount
with that inscribed on them…
(looks at card and groans loudly)
DAMMIT!! JIM!
Dwight leaps up from the chair and storms out of the conference room. The camera follows. He stops at Jim’s desk.
DWIGHT
(holding card out)
I KNOW you did this!!
Jim calmly hangs up his phone and swivels to face Dwight.
JIM
Did you… just rush out while they were filming
your interview, Dwight? Unbelievably rude.
PAM
(smiling)
What if you rush in on one? Is that rude?
Jim gives Pam a smiling “You got me, smart guy!” look. Dwight shoves the card into Jim’s hand.
DWIGHT
Don’t try to deny it, Jim! Look at this!
Jim holds the card really close to his face and then back out at arms length. He squints.
JIM
Whoa. That’s… really small type. Um…
Dunder… what?
Dwight snatches the card back from him.
DWIGHT
It says “Sales Representative, Dwight K. Shrimp!"
Phyllis and Stanley burst out laughing and then try to stifle. Dwight glares at them and then back at Jim.
JIM
Wow. You changed your last name to Shrimp?
That’s… pretty bold…
DWIGHT
I’m going to call the printing place. And when they
tell me that it was you who changed the order, I will take
this all the way to the top! And we’ll see who’s laughing then!
Dwight storms off. Jim gives a bewildered look to everyone and then the camera.
Then he smiles slightly.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
He won’t prove it was me. I’ve covered my tracks pretty well.
He won’t even notice when the Shrimp cards box mysteriously
disappears later on. And for however long we both are here,
those little cards will keep ending up in his wallet and in the
hands of some very confused people.
(takes a beat and then smiles)
It’s the prank that keeps on giving!
