INT. THE OFFICE-THE KITCHEN
It is Tuesday in the office. Pam is filling a teapot with water and Jim is leaning on the counter next to her. They are
engaged in small talk. Kelly enters the kitchen.
KELLY
Hi, guys! How was your long weekend?
PAM
Very, very nice.
JIM
Yeah. We saw Cloverfield on Saturday and...
KELLY
(excited)
OOH, OOH, I want to see that! Was it scary? Don't tell me!
What did the monster look like? I heard it looked like a
whale with feet. Did it? Oh, don't tell me! Tell me but don't
tell me too much!
Pam and JIm laugh just as Dwight enters the kitchen.
JIM
Uh.. well... it was good!
PAM
It was really good!
JIM
Pam was freaking out.
PAM
I was really freaking out!
JIM
The monster... wow... not sure how to describe it...
but boy,he was wrecking New York.
Dwight looks over suddenly.
DWIGHT
Are you talking about Cloverfield?
PAM
Yeah! Did you see it?
DWIGHT
(holding nose)
Ugh.
JIM
Is that the... official Dwight K. Schrute movie review?
DWIGHT
No, Jim, this is: Cloverfield is nonsense. It excreted and
wallowed in it's own illogic and implausibility.
KELLY
Ewwww! It excreted and swallowed WHAT?
PAM
That's surprising, Dwight. I would've thought a giant
monster movie would be right up your alley.
DWIGHT
Oh, I had no problem with the monster. It was huge but
agile, incredibly destructive and durable. It withstood tank,
F16, and Abrams fire and stood up to a stealth bomber delivering
multiple 2000 lb. bombs. Impressive.
JIM
So what...?
DWIGHT
The main character was an idiot. He risked his life and his friends
lives to rescue this girl. Why?
PAM
Dwight... they were in love.
DWIGHT
Then why did she come to his party with another guy? Why did they
argue and she leave? Why was he going to Japan without her?
JIM
(smiling to Pam)
He's right. None of that could've ever happened.
Pam laughs and leans into Jim.
DWIGHT
You would've actually gone back for her, Jim?
JIM
(looking at Pam)
Of course. I would do ANYTHING to save her.
Pam smiles and blushes.
DWIGHT
Then your an idiot. too. Although... the guy in the movie
did have a Halpert slacker vibe to him. Luckily, you happen
to shave everyday. And the girl had a tall, skinny, exotic
look to her. More like Karen, really.
PAM
Thank you, Dwight.
DWIGHT
(trying to save)
But... but... more busty, like you, Pam.
Jim and Pam simultaneously look at he the camera.
KELLY
Well, don't say anymore. I'm gonna try to see...
DWIGHT
It was just asinine. He did all that...
Just then Angela enters the kitchen behind Dwight, who
does not see her.
DWIGHT(continued)
... dragging his three friends all the way uptown, getting
attacked by ravenous, killer parasites...
KELLY
What?
DWIGHT
...having one friend explode from her injuries, another
semi-eaten by the monster...
KELLY
(whining)
Aw, Dwight!
DWIGHT
... only to have the two "lovers"
(does air quotes)
die in Central Park when they blow up
Manhattan.
KELLY
DWIGHT! Aw, man!
Kelly sits down heavily in a chair and pouts.
DWIGHT
You have to know when to cut your losses. When
to let the self-preservation mode kick in and get
yourself to safety. They are plenty of other women
out there.
ANGELA
And cats as well, right, Dwight?
Dwight whirls around wide-eyed. Angela gives Dwight a
look of death and walks out. A crushed Dwight stands there
for a moment and then slowly exits the kitchen. Pam, Jim and
a still-moping Kelly watch him go. There is a pause.
JIM
Yikes.
KELLY TALKING HEAD
KELLY
Well, I was HOPING to see the movie tonight, maybe... but now
that I got the Dunder-Mifflin five minute version, why bother?
(sighs, shakes head)
I hope a giant monster semi-eats Dwight... and Ryan too,
while he's at it.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Boy, been away too long. Real life intervened... but I am trying to get back into the swing of things. I hope to have more stuff up soon. Now... saw Cloverfield on Saturday... so naturally, I come out thinking about The Office. lol... SPOILERS, SPOILERS, SPOILERS for the movie. If you haven't seen it yet, skip this. If you have or just don't care, have at it.
