INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

We see Tiffany, Pam's replacement, concentrating hard on whatever is on her monitor. Michael comes over from his office and goes behind the reception desk. He looks at her screen and throws his hands up in annoyance.

MICHAEL
Are you STILL working on that?

TIFFANY
(taken aback)
I'm sorry, Michael, but this is very
time-consuming!

MICHAEL
Categorizing the jokes in my e-mail by type,
subject, length and number of ha-ha's is
time consuming?

TIFFANY
Well... yeah. I mean a lot of these don't
even have ha-ha's. Some have "Eh's" and at
least a dozen have NTF in the subject line.
I, um... I don't know what...

MICHAEL
(annoyed)
NTF. Not that funny. Jeez, everyone knows
that Eh's and NTFs are half a ha-ha.

JIM
So... just a Ha.

MICHAEL
(pointing at Jim)
Yes. Exactly. Come on, wrap this up already.
Pam would've had this done twenty minutes ago.

Michael stalks back to his office. Tiffany looks at Jim who sort of looks away and then back to his computer. Tiffany looks at the camera and shakes her head.

TIFFANY TALKING HEAD

TIFFANY
I’M sorry, no one told me when I took this
stupid job that I was replacing the most
incredible woman on earth. I mean, why is
she even coming back here, anyway? Isn’t a
receptionist job a little lowly for the
Queen of America?
(shakes head, sighs)
You know, just dealing with these crazy people
is enough… You have the drunk, the ice queen,
the creepy perv (beat) the… fat (beat) creepy
perv, crossword guy… um, Mrs. Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration,
(says Vance Refrigeration with mock importance)
um… the gay guy… who’s… alright actually… and…
who else? OH, and the chick that WILL NOT SHUT UP.
Just handling them should be enough of a task.
But NOOOO, I have three special cases that
remind me EVERY DAY that I am not Pam Beesly.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Michael enters the office and comes over to reception. Tiffany waves at Michael who completely ignores her. He leans over the counter and retrieves whatever messages he has. Tiffany continues to wave as Michael heads to his office. An annoyed Tiffany looks at the camera, still waving.

TIFFANY(voiceover)
First off, I have my boss, Michael Scott. How
the man actually finds his way to work every
morning is beyond me. And he has THE NERVE to
be mad at ME that I am replacing Miss Perfect
Pam. He barely acknowledges me. And he REFUSES
to use my name. Usually he just refers to me as "Whatserface"(beat) or just sorta points at me.

TIFFANY TALKING HEAD

TIFFANY
OH, but when he’s feeling REALLY creative he
breaks out his “funny names”.
(does air quotes)
Winners like “Sham-ela” or “PB Zirconia” or - my
personal favorite - “I can’t believe it’s not
Beesly”.
(shakes head)
Jerk.

INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Dwight is standing behind Tiffany with his arms crossed. She looks at the camera and rolls her eyes. Dwight points at something on her screen and shakes his head vehemently. Tiffany grimaces and nervously works on whatever the problem is. Dwight shakes his head again and points at the screen
angrily. He then throws his hands up and leaves as a shell-
shocked Tiffany gives the camera a "Help me" look.

TIFFANY(voiceover)
And then there’s Dwight K. Schrute. Oh. My.
God. SO, SO annoying. Yesterday he says to me
“Your efficiency level is significantly
lower than that of Pam Beeslys’”. Oh! Good morning to you, too!

And today he goes “Pam gets my
calls to me an eighth of a second faster.
That comes out to 3 more potential commissions
a day.” (beat) What kind of Jedi math is that?
Believe me, this guy put the “ass” in
Assistant (beat) TO THE regional manager.
He is a sneaky, slimy, brown-nosing skeev.

TIFFANY TALKING HEAD

TIFFANY
And on top of ALL of that, he lives on a farm
with his inbred cousin and grows beets! I’m
sorry, but am I the ONLY one that thinks this
guy came straight out of “The Hills Have Eyes”?
(shakes head and then points at camera)
And DON’T think I don’t know about you and that
walking wind chill from accounting, Schrute!
And finally, we come to Jim (love-sick puppy dog)
Halpert. OH BOY, is this guy whipped or WHAT?
He’s always looking all forlorn and sad that his
true love is gone.
(says ‘True Love” all breathy and sarcastic)
Um, Pam is in New York, which is like, what, two
hours away? It’s not like she’s marooned on Jupiter,
you know?

INT.THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Tiffany is watching Dwight and Michael having a very animated conversation. Michael says something excitedly that causes Dwight to do a fist pump. Dwight tries to high five Michael who ignores him. Dwight eventually high fives himself. Jim
pulls a classic Jim Face for the camera and then spins slowly to look at Tiffany. Tiffany smiles broadly for Jim but we see Jim sort of embarrassingly catch himself. He looks at the camera almost sadly and then looks away. Tiffany deflates, saddened.

TIFFANY (voiceover)
I mean, at least 5 times a day he’ll get up
and make it about halfway to my desk before
he remembers that Pam isn’t here. Then he’ll stand
there and make that STUPID face and go to the break-
room. He won’t even talk to me!

TIFFANY TALKING HEAD

TIFFANY
I’m nice, too, you know. I’m SORRY I’m not Pam
-Anderson-Mother Teresa-J.K. Rowling-Kathy
Griffin-Ayn Rand-Wonder Woman-Beesly, OK?
(sighs, looks down and then shakes her head slowly)
I’m… sorry, I’m… I shouldn’t have lashed out like
that. It’s just that… I’m always getting measured
up against Pam and I can’t win that. I just can’t.
It’s… it’s just frustrating.
(breathes deeply)
And, Jim… Jim is a really, really nice guy. I… I know
that. Pam must be really special for him to love her
that much. (beat) Now I feel like… like I should
apologize to her, you know?

Tiffany looks sheepishly into the camera.

TIFFANY
I’m… I’m really sorry, Pam. I shouldn’t have
said those things. And... I shouldn’t have called
you… Kathy Griffin.


INT. THE OFFICE-RECEPTION AREA

Jim gets up and eases over to the reception counter. Tiffany is looking at her monitor and doesn’t see him.

JIM
Hey.

TIFFANY
(startled)
Oh! Hey.

JIM
Um… I was… working up another prank
on Dwight.

TIFFANY
Oh! Yeah, the ones you pull are…
pretty good.
(nods)

JIM
Pretty good. I was thinking more
like… “incredibly awesome”… but
pretty good will do.

Jim and Tiffany both laugh.

JIM
So, I was thinking… this prank may
require some smart college girl input.
You think I can find one around here
who might want to help?

TIFFANY
(beaming)
I think you might, yes.

JIM
(leaning further over counter)
Good. Ok… here’s the outline…

Just then Jim’s cell phone rings. He pulls it out of his pocket and answers, smiling.

JIM
Hey! What’s up?

Tiffany glances at the camera as Jim leans against the counter.

JIM
Nothin’ much. Plotting some Dwight-centric
mischief with Tiffany. (beat) Yeah. Well,
it’s time she got in on the fun. Gotta make
her feel welcome.
(looks at Tiffany, who smiles)
Really? Ok, let me hear your idea. (beat)
Yeah. (beat) Yeah.

A huge grin crosses Jim’s face. Tiffany’s smile starts to fade.

JIM(continued)
Oh, that’s… that’s genius, Beesly.
Oh my God. That blows mine right
out of the water. And then we can…
yeah! (laughs) Definitely! Oh, oh,
hold on.
(turns to Tiffany)
Um… that prank idea… let’s put that
on hold for awhile, ok?

TIFFANY
Um… ok…

JIM
Great.
(speaks into phone while walking away)
So, hit me with more of your stunning
brilliance, Pam! (beat, then laughs)

As Jim’s voices fades Tiffany looks at the camera, a combination of anger and dejection showing on her face.

TIFFANY TALKING HEAD

Tiffany is staring at the camera with the same tight-lipped look.

TIFFANY
I. HATE. Pam. Beesly.