INT. THE OFFICE-JIM AND DWIGHT’S AREA
Jim enters the office and comes over to his desk. Dwight looks at him disgustedly. Jim sits down and turns his computer on.
JIM
Morning, Dwight.
DWIGHT
(sarcastically)
Feeling better, are we?
JIM
Sorry?
DWIGHT
You called in sick yesterday.
JIM
Oh, yeah.
(covers mouth and coughs, then looks at camera)
Better, thanks.
DWIGHT
You must think we’re all stupid, Jim.
JIM
Um… not… all of you.
DWIGHT
(annoyed)
FACT. Pam returned to Scranton for
the weekend. FACT. She had no classes
on Monday, she told us that herself
when she came by. FACT. You called out
sick yesterday. Conclusion. You falsely
used a sick day to spend more time with
Pam, which constitutes fraud on your part.
JIM
Fraud? No, no. I used one of my LOVE-
sick days.
DWIGHT
(confused)
What?
JIM
Love-sick days. I have 5 left,
now.
DWIGHT
What are you talking about?
Jim gives an exaggerated groan to the camera and then goes into his desk. He pulls out a small booklet.
JIM
Right here, in the Employee
Handbook…
Jim flips through until he gets to a certain page, then shows Dwight.
JIM(continued)
See? Love-sick days. We get 6 a year.
DWIGHT
What?
(angry)
THAT is the most ludicrous thing this
company has ever…
(stops and stares at Jim, then smiles)
Oh, sure, Jim. I’ll just blindly
believe what your little altered
handbook says.
Dwight opens a draw in his desk and pulls out a dog-eared copy of the handbook. There are Post-it notes sticking out
of every page practically.
DWIGHT
(sarcastically)
I’m sure…
(checks the page in Jim’s book, then starts turning pages in his)
I’m sure my RELIABLE copy will have
the exact…
(Dwight stops at a page and his eyes widen)
same… thing…(beat) What? I never noticed…
how did this slip past me?
Jim shrugs.
DWIGHT
This can’t be… unless… you altered this
one as well!
Dwight excitedly opens a different draw and rummages through. Jim crosses his arms and glances at the camera, smiling. Dwight triumphantly produces another Handbook, this one pristine.
DWIGHT
(smiling evilly)
My RESERVE copy.
Dwight opens it and the pages crack as he starts to turn.
DWIGHT
I’m sure you didn’t account…
(gets to a page and is shocked again)
account… for… (beat) I don’t believe
this! How was I not aware of these
love-sick days?
Jim glances at the camera again and smiles.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
About… two weeks ago I added that
page to the Handbooks… even Dwight’s
reserve one, which he keeps hidden
under his signed copy of Harry Potter and
the Prisoner of Azkaban. Wasn’t hard.
It’s just letter sized paper folded
in half. Staple remover and you’re
in business. (beat)For a paper company
we have… surprisingly cheap handbooks.
INT. THE OFFICE-JIM AND DWIGHT'S AREA
The conversation continues as Dwight is still staring at the Handbook.
DWIGHT
This is ridiculous! How can this be?
How do you prove that you are lovesick?
JIM
Keep reading.
Dwight reads from the handbook.
DWIGHT
“An employee must follow three steps in order
to successfully take, and be paid for, your lovesick
days. #1. Dunder-Mifflin must have prior know-
ledge of the husband/wife/lover/significant other.
JIM
Ok. Phyllis?
PHYLISS
(smiling)
Yes, Jim?
JIM
Um… who am I… involved with again?
PHYLLIS
Oh, I believe you're talking about Pam,
the receptionist. The lovely young lady
who sits right over there
(points at reception)
and has sat there for some time now.
The one you are in love with.
JIM
(smiling to Dwight)
Yes. Thank y…
DWIGHT
The one you’ve been in love with since you
started here. The one that was engaged to
Roy from shipping…
(turns to Stanley)
You remember?
JIM
Right. Ok. Thanks…
PHYLLIS
The one who turned you down and then you
ran to Stamford and came back with that other
girl Karen and then…
JIM
(looking at camera)
OK, thanks Phyllis, I think we, um… all got
that. Go on, Dwight.
Phyllis smiles sweetly to the camera as Dwight looks back at the Handbook.
DWIGHT
Um… #2. The employee must be able to prove
that the husband/wife/lover/significant other is
presently away and/or significantly out of the
employee in question’s reasonable reach.
JIM
Yup.
(looks questioningly at his co-workers)
Ummmm…
Andy raises his hand.
JIM
(looking around)
Um… somebody(beat) else wanna…
Andy waves more energetically.
JIM
(sighing)
Ok. Um… ANDY.
ANDY
(happy)
Yes, Jim?
JIM
Pam… the young lady that we have already
identified as my significant other… um…
Where is she?
ANDY
Oh, yes, the Mrs. Big Tuna to be… Tunette, if
you will. The Tuna Melt.
(looks pleased with his joke)
JIM
Andy.
ANDY
(bummed)
Ah… Pam’s in New York. Has been
for two months.
Jim turns his palms up to Dwight. Dwight looks back at the Handbook.
DWIGHT
#3. The employee must have a note from the
husband/wife/lover/significant other that reflects
that the employee in question is indeed pained
by the absence of…
(Dwight looks up at Jim)
Don’t tell me…
Jim pulls out an envelope from his bag and hands it to Dwight. Dwight opens it, pulls out a sheet of paper and begins to read from it.
DWIGHT
To whom it may concern, mostly (beat) Dwight.
This is to signify that Jim Halpert was indeed love-sick
yesterday due to my 3 month relocation to New York.
Little Jimmy should be all recovered today after having
received his… medicine yesterday.
JIM
(a little embarrassed)
Probably… shouldn’t have let you read that out loud.
DWIGHT
(still reading)
I hope this will clear up any confusion
concerning Jim’s absence. Thank you to all
necessary parties and even(beat) Dwight. Signed,
Pam Beesly.
JIM
Well… that about covers it. So, I have
5 Love-sick days left. Gotta use them
wisely.
DWIGHT
(shaking head)
Love-sick days. Unbelievable.
(sarcastic)
Oh, and I suppose you get disability
if you have a broken heart?
JIM
(sheepishly)
Um... actually... If you...
read a little further down...
Dwight groans loudly, throws his handbook on his desk and stalks off. Jim smiles to the camera and then Phyllis, Andy and Stanley, who are all quietly laughing.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Yet another prank C/O. And I have another one in the wings...boy, i LOVE to mess with Dwight.
