INT. THE OFFICE-JIM AND DWIGHT'S AREA.
Both men are quietly working when Kevin comes past reception and over to Jim. He is excited.
KEVIN
Jim! Are you alright?
JIM
Um... yeah. Why?
KEVIN
I heard you got jumped by Roy last night at
Poor Richards.
DWIGHT
What?
JIM
No. Who told you that?
KEVIN
Well... I kinda assumed that's what happened
when I found out he was there.
DWIGHT
I TOLD you to take that pepper spray.. but NO...
JIM
Nothing happened, guys. He was actually...
nice.
KEVIN
ROY was nice?
DWIGHT
Oh, SURE he was, Jim. You can tell us. Did he...
threaten you in some way? Did he stare at you
and do this?
Dwight makes a cutting sound and drags his thumb across his throat. Jim looks at the camera.
JIM
As a matter of fact... he DID mention something
about a shanking after lights out.
KEVIN
Dude! That's prison talk for knifing you...
after they've turned off all the lights.
JIM
Thanks, Kev.
DWIGHT(deep in thought)
But he wouldn't make a move there. Everyone
knows you stole his woman and humiliated him.
Made an absolute fool of him.
JIM
That's... not how...
DWIGHT
He'll be smarter about it this time. He may
employ some of his work cronies to take you down.
JIM
Don't think The Vitamin Shoppe has a lot
of leg breakers on staff, Dwight.
DWIGHT
The Vitamin Shoppe? JIM. Have you ever heard of
a little thing called... steroids?
JIM
Um... sounds... familiar. How do you spell...?
KEVIN
(raising hand)
I've heard of them.
DWIGHT
Steroid abuse can cause an individual to launch into
uncontrollable rages and extremely violent behavior.
They can also shrink your testicles.
JIM
Yowch. So...employees of the Vitamin Shoppe all have
shrunken testicles?
DWIGHT
They could. I need more data. But that's besides the point.
PLEASE tell me you didn't mention where Pam was.
JIM
Ummmmmm....
DWIGHT
Dammit, Jim! What is wrong with you? Roy could have
a man sitting on Pam right now!
KEVIN
Why would Roy... have a man sit on Pam?
Does Pam not like to be sat on?
Jim gives a classic Jim-Face to the camera as Dwight throws his hands up.
DWIGHT
(exasperated)
Not LITERALLY! I mean that he could be waiting
for Jim to arrive... and then to eliminate them both. While
Roy is 120 miles away selling wheat germ. It's a
perfect set-up.
KEVIN
(eyes wide)
Yeah. Jim, you've got to warn Pam!
DWIGHT
It's too late for her, Kevin. There's nothing we
can do. Save yourself, Jim. You must cut all ties
with Pam... and never go back to Brooklyn again.
JIM
Engaged. Kinda have to go back.
Dwight rolls over to Jim and clutches both of his shoulders. He looks Jim in the eye as Jim peeks at the camera.
DWIGHT
(shaking head)
Jim. Brave, stupid, (beat) stupid, stupid,
Jim. Have you STILL not learned your lesson
from "Cloverfield"?
JIM
Um... no.
DWIGHT
Well, then... goodbye, Jim.
JIM
Goodbye, Dwight.
Jim rises and heads towards the back.
KEVIN
(panicky)
Jim! No, dude, don't go!
JIM(offscreen)
Getting a soda, Kev.
DWIGHT
Ah, let him go. Dibs on his paper clips.
Author's Chapter Notes:
More nonsense, "Crime Aid" related. So spoilers for that, I guess (like no one has seen it!). Hope you like!
