We see everyone just settling into their seats. Michael stands at the front of the room. He leans over to a phone off to the side that Jim is sitting next to.
MICHAEL
Pam? You there?
PAM
(through phone speaker)
Um… yes.
MICHAEL
Good. I need your quality note taking
skills on this one.
PAM
Um… Michael… do I REALLY need to
be a part of this?
MICHAEL
Of course! Pam, a meeting without you
is like a… a meeting without sunshine.
KEVIN
All of our meetings are without sunshine.
PHYLLIS
You never let us open the blinds.
MICHAEL
(waving them quiet)
Just...shut it. Alright. First order of business.
We have this new client. The Scranton-Asian
Weekly, which is an Asian-American newspaper.
Ok… Jim…
Michael stops and looks at everyone in the room. He frowns.
MICHAEL
How is it that there are no Asians in
this branch? Why don’t we have any
Asians working here, Pam?
PAM
Um… you’ve… never hired any.
MICHAEL
Oh, so blame me, then.
PAM
I wasn’t…
MICHAEL
Thank you, Pam. I include you
in this meeting and you stab me
in the back. Nice.
PAM
Well, you HAD that interview with
that nice young lady a few months ago…
MICHAEL
Oh yeah! We offered her the job but
she turned it down…
DWIGHT
Probably Buddhist. Or a follower of
Confucianism. She probably had an ethical
or moral imperative that wouldn’t allow
her to work here.
PAM
Um… I think it was the salary.
MICHAEL
(shaking head)
So mysterious. What do we really know
about Orientals? Jim?
JIM
Um… probably that they don’t like to
be called Orientals.
DWIGHT
Ridiculous. What should we call them?
Chinese? Japanese? Korean?
JIM
Might just work, Dwight.
DWIGHT
Michael, we know that…
(glancing at Jim)
ORIENTALS… are noble, determined
warriors. We also know that they
are imperialistic and sneaky. And
bad drivers.
JIM AND PAM(simultaneously)
Wow.
ANGELA
And I don't care for Asian women. I hate
the way they laugh and the way they walk…
and they’re always trying to steal white
men for themselves.
JIM
(to camera)
And there it is.
PHYLLIS
That's not true, Angela. My neighbors are
Chinese and their two daughters don't date
white men. One boyfriend is Asian and the
other is black.
ANGELA
Oh my God.
STANLEY
(not looking up from crossword)
I am NOT even going to ask what that meant.
DWIGHT
(slyly)
Didn’t you mention having an Asian
girlfriend in college, Andy?
ANDY
(wide-eyed to Dwight and then Angela)
Um… I wouldn’t call her a girlfriend…
per se… it was just…
DWIGHT
Fornication.
ANDY
NO. No. Not… Ah… not full… forni-
cation. More like a… quarter…
ANGELA
(disgusted)
Stop.
RYAN
(raising hand)
I had a threesome with two Asian girls
in New York. Awesome.
Kelly rolls her eyes.
RYAN
(thinking)
Well, one was definitely Asian. The other
was… um… (beat, then quietly) asleep.
KEVIN
Still counts.
ANGELA
See?
CREED
(to Angela)
I wouldn’t worry, Andrea. There are only 1,052
Asian women in Scranton. And of those, only
about 35% are available. I know. I've checked.
Everyone pauses and sort of sidewise-glances at Creed.
KELLY
Um… why does it have to be a woman? Why
can't it be a man? A hot Asian man. Like
Daniel Dae Kim on Lost. He's SO sexy.
Kelly looks at Ryan, who rolls his eyes.
MICHAEL
He IS cute. Oscar? Can I put you down
for one hot Asian guy?
(laughs to camera)
Double meaning.
OSCAR
(to Kevin)
Knew I couldn’t make it through
this meeting.
MEREDITH
I slept with an Asian guy once. It
was pretty much the same… just more sake.
DWIGHT
Forget that Lost guy. I say Jet Li. Or
Jackie Chan. They can sell paper AND kick ass!
Hi-yahh!
(makes chopping motion with hand and strikes pose)
JIM
Why… would they need to kick ass, Dwight?
DWIGHT
Well… it would be a waste to have them just
sell paper all day.
MICHAEL
Good point. But I want an Asian woman.
Like Lucy Lui.
(smiles to camera)
I Rike-a me some Rucy Roo.
JIM
Yikes.
PAM
Should I… really be taking notes?
Cause this will definitely get us all
fired.
MICHAEL
Slow your egg-roll, Pam. We’re just
talking, here. Amongst friends.
(quietly to camera)
Corporate has made her so PC.
KEVIN
Well, I want a Chinese girl, too.
Fresh off the boat.
ANGELA
This isn’t take out, Kevin. And no
girls! They’ll sink their claws into…
uh… Andy.
(glances at Dwight)
ANDY
Not to worry, milady. I can assure
you that no one is tearing your claws
out of me.
Dwight smiles ever so slightly at Angela. She returns it and then looks away.
MEREDITH
I say we get one of each. Spice
things up. Maybe an Asian guy can give
Jim a run for his money, right Pam?
PAM
Yes, Meredith, I’m… I’m ready to
move on.
JIM
(shaking head to camera)
So hard, finding out this way.
MICHAEL
Rook out, Jim! Pam rike-a hot
Asian guy to rick her up and down
rike-a rorripop!
JIM
Are you… Astro from the Jetsons?
Cause that’s what you sound like.
MICHAEL
Astro is Asian? Did I not know
that?
KEVIN
Maybe he’s a Chow.
KELLY
Who cares? I want my hot Asian guy!
KEVIN
Girl!
Everyone in the conference room, except for Oscar and Stanley, starts to argue with one another. Jim moves closer to the phone.
JIM
(to camera)
This… just might be… the single most ignorant
discussion we’ve ever had here.
PAM
I think you’re forgetting the Obama/
Sarah Palin argument.
JIM
(nodding)
I stand corrected.
