INT. THE OFFICE-JIM AND PAM'S DESKS
We see Pam standing behind Jim as he hunches over his computer. They are both staring at the screen. Behind them the main door opens and Dwight enters. He approaches carefully, curious as to what they are looking at. Jim and Pam are unaware of his approach.
PAM
(pointing at screen)
See? This one has the better crash test
rating.
JIM
Huh. I would've thought the opposite.
Dwight, by this time, is standing right behind them.
PAM
Me too. But I guess...
DWIGHT
What are you two doing?
Jim and Pam jump, startled.
JIM
Whoa!
PAM
(blocking Jim's monitor)
Hey... Dwight. I... thought you were on
a sales call.
DWIGHT
They said I didn't schedule one. Pfft! I know
that already.You have to be prepared for the
unexpected if you want to run a successful
business. Idiots. And having security escort
me out was NOT necessary.
Dwight grabs a set of papers off of Jim's desk and looks at them, holding a frustrated Jim off.
DWIGHT
Why are you two printing all of this stuff out about...
Minivans?
JIM
Uh....
PAM
Just, uh... preparing for... the future. You know...
getting a new vehicle.... later.
DWIGHT
You mean for a family?
PAM
Um....
JIM
Yeah. But... down the line.
DWIGHT
(looking at sheets)
Jim... I know you are... barely masculine, at best...
JIM
Thank you, Dwight.
DWIGHT
... but these vehicles will prove to be a full fledged
emasculation. Look at these. This is no way to
protect your family. There is only one vehicle that
can provide rock solid protection for Pam and your...
(beat) spawn.
JIM
A German King Tiger?
DWIGHT
(after thinking for a second)
Alright, two. But tanks are notoriously difficult to drive
through streets without causing damage and casualties.
Or even if you meant to, like they claimed about my great
Uncle Bernhard.
Pam and Jim look at the camera.
DWIGHT
But we can debate war crimes another day.
No, I was talking about a Hummer. And not the
namby-pamby smaller models, either. You need
a full-sized military Hummer, Jim.
PAM
(smiling at Jim)
That's what she...
JIM
(shaking head)
You have really got to stop that.
PAM(laughing)
Dwight.. I think that may be a bit much.
DWIGHT
Oh really, Pamela? Will a.. a...
(scans through the minivan printouts)
..a Nissan Quest shield you from a tornado?
Will a...a..
(looks again)
Plymouth Town and Country...
(gives a WTF look to the camera)
.... save you from a grizzly attack?
I don't think so!
PAM
Not.... many tornados and bears on the way
to the Steamtown Mall, Dwight.
DWIGHT
(leaning in, serious)
There are bears EVERYWHERE, Pam. Do not
underestimate the population of the dangerous
Pennsylvania Ursus. I'll have you know, we've
had quite a few bears visit us out at the farm.
JIM
Really? And... did they enjoy the accommodations
in the Winnie the Pooh room?
Pam bites down a laugh and turns her back as Jim and Dwight stare at each other.
DWIGHT
(angry but calm)
Fine.
(throws papers back on Jim's desk)
Fine. When the two of you and your progeny are
trapped in a ditch and a bear is ripping the roof off of your...
(waving hand, thinking)
Toyota Crap-Box, you'll be screaming "Dwight
was right!!! Dwight was RIGHT!!!"
Dwight starts to stalk away.
PAM
(trying not to laugh)
Dwight! Dwight, come on. We're sorry.
You're right, of course.
Jim raises his eyebrows to Pam. She gives him a sly look.
DWIGHT
Of course I am. I see who has the brains in
this family.
JIM
True enough.
(to Pam, smiling)
So... what do you have in mind?
PAM
Well... those Hummers are just so BIG. I feel
like I could get lost in one.
(to Dwight)
What are the dimensions of the cabin?
DWIGHT
Um... well... The wheelbase is... um...
PAM
Well, how about we approximate the size of one
in here?
(looking around)
I mean, can you throw something together, give us
an idea of the space?
JIM
(low to Dwight)
You're selling her, Dwight. Keep it up!
DWIGHT
(excited)
Um... Of course! If I....
(looks around, then settles on the couch next to reception)
...Jim, help me drag this couch into the
conference room!
JIM
No good. Sales call.
(sits and starts dialing)
Big client.
DWIGHT
Fine. I'll just... hm.
(thinking)
Have to drag the conference table
out first... I can probably mock up a cabin by
using the Dry-Erase boards...
Dwight runs into the conference room and starts to push the conference table towards the door. The phone falls to the floor but Dwight ignores it. The conference table slides into the window, bending the blinds. Dwight is grunting loudly as he exerts himself. Everyone in the office is watching him as Jim and Pam cover up laughs.
JIM
Genius. This kid will have BIG shoes to fill.
Pam laughs.
DWIGHT
(sticking head out)
Um.... can we... pretend the table is a bus
that's parked next to you?
PAM
No. Too distracting.
DWIGHT
(turning back into conference room, dejected)
Dammit.
Jim and Pam look at each other and laugh silently.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Wow, been a little while since I last posted. I don't know, it's been very hard to get a Cold Opening up and running lately. Maybe because different things are going on in my life now and I'm trying to focus more on my artwork. I don't know. Maybe I just need to sit down and watch a slew of episodes. That might do the trick.
Anyway, this one came about, once again, because of a thread on the Life in the Office forums. A while ago, we (Bob, Donna, Hot Dog Fingers, Jossifer and myself) got into a discussion about Pam's Yaris. Yeah, it's been a little slow. And maybe publicly discussing Pam's Yaris is in poor taste ; ) ). Then we started speculating about Jim and Pam getting a more family friendly vehicle. Bob (from Scranton! Really!) then suggested a great C/O idea where Dwight tells Jim and Pam that they should buy a Hummer, which really sounds like something Dwight would suggest for a family. I thought that was a great idea. But then I got stuck on an ending. That was, probably, close to a month ago. Maybe more... lol.. Anyway, I FINALLY figured out what I wanted to do. Now... I am rusty, people. So PLEASE be lenient on me. If this sucks, please... gently suggest so... lol...
