INT. CONFERENCE ROOM
A tired looking Michael is standing at the head of the room, Jim alongside him. Everyone else is seated.
KEVIN
So... we don't like these new rules, Michael.
They won't let us do anything.
JIM
Except work?
KEVIN
Yeah! It's not fair.
OSCAR
And Meredith took Gabe out to lunch so... I expect us
to be in even more trouble later.
MICHAEL
Aaaaaw, crap. Jim, you're supposed to stop things like
this from happening!
JIM
I didn't know...
MICHAEL
No excuses! Boy... give a guy a job and...
Michael trails off and shakes his head to the camera while Jim looks too, disgusted.
MICHAEL(continued)
Listen, people, this is the way it is. They have their rules.
And they can shove 'em down our throats and make
us take it until we like it.
EVERYONE EXCEPT MICHAEL
(tiredly)
That's what she said.
Michael looks puzzled at everyone.
PAM
Don't tell me that got by you.
MICHAEL
No. No. I was... just...
KEVIN
Wow. It DID get by you. You're losing
your touch, Michael.
Michael looks at the camera, shocked.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
Hey, who can blame me if one "That's What She Said"
gets by me? I've got things on my mind here. I mean...
we've got all these new rules from Sabrey, Saber, Suck-Ass,
whatever it is... our new boss is an evil witch midget....
(beat)
well... I don't know how tall she is, she just ... looked short on
the computer.... and David Wallace is now a hobo.
(shakes head to camera)
So excuuuuuuuuuse me - Steve Martin - if one little TWSS got
by me. I'm the one that started that in the first place! Everyone
else goes for the obvious but I always come to the table with the
hard ones!
(long beat, then realizes)
That's.. what she... AW, dammit!
INT. THE OFFICE-OSCAR, ANGELA AND KEVIN'S AREA
Michael is hanging around as Oscar speaks on the phone. Kevin and Angela eye Michael suspiciously.
OSCAR
(to person on phone)
So, no, June is a good time to visit.
MICHAEL
(blurting)
That's what she said!
KEVIN
What?
OSCAR
(staring at Michael)
No.. that's my boss. Michael, can I have a
minute here, please?
MICHAEL
That's what she said!
(shakes head)
OSCAR
Michael! You're scaring my mother.
KEVIN
That didn't even make sense, Michael..
MICHAEL
FSSSHHHH.... Shut it, Kevin!
Michael storms off as the three watch him leave.
INT.-JIM'S OFFICE.
Andy is leaning against the door as Jim glances at the camera. We can see Michael through the blinds, listening.
JIM
Uh... not sure if I should be asking Erin that.
ANDY
Good point, Tuna. Maybe Mrs. Tuna is better suited for the job.
MiCHAEL
(Bursting in)
That's what she said!
ANDY
Pam.. said that too? But... how did she know...?
Michael groans and leaves as a puzzled Andy watches. Jim gives a Jim-Face to the camera.
JIM TALKING HEAD
JIM
Classic case of over-compensation. Michael, lacking
confidence and feeling inadequate, is trying way too hard
to reaffirm his prowess But deep down he knows these
flaccid attempts will not make up for his shortcomings.
(beat)
And no.... I am not going to say it.
(smiles)
INT. THE OFFICE - PAM'S DESK.
Jim is speaking to a seated Pam while Michael loiters nearby, obviously hanging on every word.
JIM
Hmmm. So he definitely won't back down?
PAM
No. He wants that additional 25% off...
(looks at Michael, who is staring at her.)
.. or... um...
(back to Jim)
...or he is not giving us the sale. He...
(to MIchael)
There is nothing here for you, Michael!
Go to lunch!
Michael huffs and hurries over to the coat rack, tears his coat off and storms out.
Everyone focuses their attention on Jim.
OSCAR
(rising)
Jim, you have to do something. He's driving us
crazy.
ANGELA
Yes, it's really annoying!
There are assorted "Yeahs!" from everyone else.
JIM
(sighing)
Ok. Ok... I'll.... talk to him. I guess.
PAM
Wait. Maybe there's another way. What if we
give Michael... exactly what he wants?
Everyone looks at Pam, puzzled but interested.
INT. BREAKROOM
Jim, Pam, Dwight, Oscar, Kevin, Angela, Phyllis and Andy are all in the breakroom, looking out the door. They see Michael approaching and they all look away. Michael enters, obviously bummed. He heads to the soda machine and puts his change in. Everyone watches from the corner of their eyes. Michael then sits, opens his soda and stares at the can. There is silence for a moment.
DWIGHT
(unsubtle)
So, Jim... you had to... lay some... cable in your
bedroom, huh?
Everyone looks at Michael, except for Pam who shakes her head to the camera, embarrassed. Michael doesn't even notice.
JIM
Um.. yeah. Pam wanted it... in there.
(glances at camera, ashamed)
So last night I, uh... dragged... the thick cable
into the bedroom and uh.. got it all primed..
and I... shoved it in good and hard.
Everyone is still staring at Michael who is still staring at his soda can.
KEVIN
(loudly)
Jim. You say... you had to shove the thick cable in?
In your... bedroom?
MICHAEL
(annoyed)
Yes, Kevin! They covered that already! Thick cable,
bedroom! GOD! What are you not getting about this?
Everyone sighs and shakes their heads. Oscar nudges Jim.
JIM
(sighing)
Ok. Michael... can I have a word with you...
in your office?
MICHAEL
(tiredly)
What did I do now?
JIM
No, no, we just... gotta touch on a few things.
MICHAEL
(happy)
That's what she said!
(laughs and points at Kevin)
Who's losing their touch? In your face!
That's what she said!
(bad Arnold imitation)
I'm back!
Michael laughs again. It's clear that no one knows exactly how to feel.
MICHAEL
(practically glowing)
So, what did you want to see me about, Jimbo?
JIM
Forget it. Not a big thing.
MICHAEL
(elated)
That's what she said! I'm on fire!
Michael laughs and leaves the breakroom. There is silence as everyone sort of stares off.
PAM
See? Much better.
JIM
Mm-hmm.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Wow. Another long stretch between postings. Holidays, work, personal life... that stuff piles up on you and the next thing you know a long time has passed. Credit goes to my man Bob (from Scranton!) over on the Life In The Office forum for coming up with this one. I've been having a hard time dreaming new ones up. Hope you guys like, I was feeling pretty tight as I worked on it (TWSS).
And I hate this title. Anybody got a better one?
