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Chapter 4: Another Sick Day

The next day.

“I hope you feel better tomorrow. OK, talk to you later.” Ryan hung up the phone and knocked on Michael’s door. His hands were full of phone messages.

“Ryan Howard aka ’Hottest in the Office,’ waazuup?”

Ryan shook his head and looked up at the ceiling before responding, “I brought all of your phone messages.” He took a step forward to leave the messages on Michael’s desk.

“Read them to me.“ Michael leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head.

Ryan looked doubtfully at Michael, “Can’t you read them yourself?”

“I’m a busy, busy man, Ryan. Just read them out loud to me.”

Ryan takes a deep, frustrated breath. “First, Meredith won’t be in today. She’s having emergency dental surgery today. Next, Phyllis sprained her ankle last night. She’s not going to make it in. Angela called to say that one of her cats is sick and she has to take it to the vet.” Michael laughed out loud.

“Sorry, continue.”

“Toby’s daughter is sick and he has to stay with her.”

“Likely excuse! I bet he’s playing hooky today. I’ll have Dwight investigate.”

Ryan shuffled through his pile of messages. “Yeah, OK. Oscar won’t be in - he’s got the flu again. Kevin’s allergies are bothering him. Kelly’s car broke down and she’ll be at the mechanics all day. Creed - he hasn’t called but he’s not here, so I assume he’s sick. Jim called and he’s still not feeling very well. He said that he talked to Pam this morning and she’s going to be out too. He said not to call her at her house though. Dwight called-”

“You’re not telling me that Dwight is sick too!”

Ryan nodded.

Michael scratched his head. “Dwight never misses a day of work. Superior immune system, my ass! This is unbelievable that this many people are out sick. Unbelievable! When I am going to get those biannual sales reports? Dwight has them now.” Michael looked distressed. “Did anyone show up today.”

“Stanley’s here.”

“Reliable Stan the man. Good guy, that Stanley. What else?”

“Todd Packer called and said…,” Ryan paused and shook his head in disbelief.”

“Come on, what did Pac Man have to say?”

“He said your mom was great last night.”

“What? My mom is dead.” Michael looked upset but then he laughed as he got the joke. “That Packer, always a comedian!”

Ryan pulled the last messages out of his pile. “Also, Roy from the warehouse called and gave his two week notice. He said that Pam could tell you why he’s quitting. I told him that Pam was out sick today. Then he cussed me out but I didn‘t write those down.” Ryan looked up from his post-it note. “I didn’t really appreciate it. I just answer the phone.”

Ryan placed the pile of telephone messages on Michael’s desk. “And now that I think about it, I’m not really feeling very well myself. Can I go home early?”

Michael threw his hands up in the air and stood up. “Sure, whatever. You know what, Ryan, I think I’ll take a sick day too. I’ll just deal with the biannual sales reports tomorrow. I don’t want to deal with Jan today.”

Michael picked up his jacket and walked out of his office.

He yelled to Stanley, “Stanley, you’re in charge today. Hold down the fort. Keep the ship afloat. O Captain, my captain!”

Stanley muttered “Idiot” under his breath before picking up the telephone again.

Michael neither heard nor cared. He wanted nothing more than to go back to bed and wake up to the smell of bacon cooking on his George Foreman grill.
Michael spoke to the camera in his office, “Today is Friday. And despite the fact that almost everyone was out sick at some point in this week, it was a productive week here at Dunder Mifflin.”

“You know what I found out? The biannual sales reports are actually due today, not Monday, like I thought. I was really on the ball with this one! Jan was looking out for me. Isn’t obvious how much this woman is crazy for Michael Scott!”

“The best part of the week is that our own little Jimmy and Pammy finally got together. I feel like I was their matchmaker. You know, I sent Pam over to Jim’s house to retrieve the report. Now that I think about it - Jan and I brought Jim and Pam together. Jan requested that the sales reports be done. So that makes me, like, Cupid or something. Except I would a handsome, well-dressed Cupid. No diaper wearing baby for me! And Jan would be my assistant. Jan would be my…my Vanna White.”

Michael paused as the camera operator asked a question. “Did I get the biannual sales reports in on time? Well, they are supposed to be faxed to corporate by noon. What time is it right now? 12:37. Dammit!” Michael stormed out of his office. “Pam!”

bonorocks is the author of 9 other stories.
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