“Hey hey…faaat Halpert!”

“What?”

“You know…fat..alb…never mind. Hey you know what? Are you hungry?”

“What?” James was holding his coat over his arms and repeating himself.

“Hungry? Are you?...Yoda, he he.” Michael stared at James with a gleaming grin on his face.

“I suppose.” James was afraid to ask what he had in mind. He didn’t know this man very well but he’d had enough of a taste to understand that Michael Scott, was…, well he was odd.

“Sweet! Let’s go to Hooters! Then we’ll pretend we’re brothers and I’ll ask you some questions I have about your narrative.”

James’ jaw fell slightly open and he was almost frozen in place. “Hoo...ters?”

“Yeah! They have the best chicken wings, and you know…boobs. Ha!”

“Ok.” James lifts his eye brows and shakes his head; this would be an interesting lunch he was sure of it.

****

The two men arrived at the restaurant a little while later and they were escorted to their seats by a bubbly red-head named Katy, who was also going to be their server.

James pulled the little black book and small green pencil out of his pocket and opened it up, there goes another check for Tragedy.

Michael set down his notebook covered in scrawled lettering out in front of him.

Katy came back over and stood behind James waiting to take their order.

Of course Michael spoke first. “How is your chicken breast?”

“Oh God.” James whispered it more to himself then exclaimed it to Michael, but the point had been given.

Katy had finished describing the Hooter’s delicacy when Michael replied, “I’ll have that but hold the chicken.”

James lowered his head and huffed out a “no.”

Katy looked at Michael quizzically not getting the joke. “You mean you don’t want chicken in your chicken breast? How does that work then?”

“Oh, forget it. No, I’ll just have the, uh the hot dog.”

Katy took the menu from Michael and didn’t stop staring at him as she took James’ order.

“Ham and Cheese sandwich please, with fries. Great.”

She rushed away to get their orders in and Michael began running his pen down the long list on his paper.

“Ok, so I have some questions, a test if you will that I’ll need you to answer so we can figure this out more. I know you have your list of Comedy and Tragedy tick marks, but I don’t think you’re doing it right. Now, Jim…James, sorry, these may seem silly but your honesty is important.”

“Ok”

“So, we know it’s a woman’s voice. The story involves your death, it’s modern, it’s in English and I’m assuming the author has a brief knowledge of Scranton.”

“Sure”

“Ok. Question one: has anyone recently left any gifts outside your home? Anything? Gum, money, a large wooden horse?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Just answer the question.”

“No”

“Do you find yourself wanting to solve murder mysteries in large fancy homes in which you may or may not have been invited to?”

“No, no…no,” James was shaking his head fervently at the crazy man across from him.

“Alright, on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the chance you might be assassinated?”

“Assassinated?”

Their food arrived and James was grateful to be a little distracted. However, Michael just continued.

“One being very unlikely and ten being you’re expecting it around every corner.” Michael’s eyes were wide and staring.

“I have no idea.”

“Ok, well. Um, are you the king of anything?”

“Like what?”

“Anything, the king of the lanes…at the bowling alley.”

“King of the lanes?”

“King of the lanes, king of the trolls?”

“Trolls?

“Yes, uh, uh…a secret land found underneath your floor boards.”

“No. That’s ridiculous.”

“True. Let’s start with ridiculous and move backwards. Now, was any part of you at one time part of something else?”

“Like, I have a dog’s kidney?”

“Well is it possible at one time that you were made of stone, wood, various corpse parts?

“Uh. No. I’m sorry but what do these questions have to do with anything?”

“Well, nothing. We’re just determining what stories you’re not in. You may not realize this but we just ruled out half of Greek lit, seven fairy tales, ten Chinese fables, and determined conclusively that you’re not King Hamlet, Scout Finch, Miss Marple, Frankenstein’s Monster, or a golem. Relieved?”

“Hmmm?”

“To know you’re not a golem?”

“Oh, yes I’m relieved to know I’m not a golem. Ridiculous. Can we go back to your office now? This place is getting a little noisy?”

“Sure, but first you need a new shirt.”

“No Michael, really I don’t, please let’s just go.”

“Oh, ok.” Michael’s eyes fell sadly to the ground and he led James out of the door.

****

Angela walked into Jan’s apartment to find her slumped in front of her typewriter.

“Are you alright?”

“Oh, uh, sure.” Jan quickly raised her head up then lowered it back down.

“Not going well?”

“No, it doesn’t seem like it is. I’ve never had such a difficult time with killing a character off before. It’s not like this is my first book you know? It’s my 10th, you’d think I’d have a knack for the whack.” Jan raised her hand to her neck and made a slashing motion across her throat.

“Uh huh.”

Jan slunk down out of her chair and fell onto the floor. She put her head on the cold tile and sprawled her arms out at her sides, like a snow angel. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Well maybe if you thought about going to some of the places I’ve suggested...” Angela stood over the woman clasping her hands tightly in front of her. She was never really good with comforting others and she was trying really hard to be compassionate here, but she was slowly losing patience.

“Right, the museum.” Jan rolled over and curled her legs up to her chest. She was facing the windows to the east now.

Angela turned abruptly and her hair flopped around her shoulders. “Oh forget it.”

****

The ride back to campus had been awkward and Michael hadn’t spoken the entire trip.

James flung his coat over the back of the chair and slouched down into it. He put his head in his hands and ran his fingers through his hair.

Michael stood behind his desk opening and closing a geometric constructed ball.

“You know what you should do?”

“What?” James was relieved Michael was breaking the silence.

“Nothing.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Do…exactly that, nothing. You should stay home and do nothing, don’t move, don’t talk don’t do anything. It seems like the story is feeding off of you and if you aren’t doing anything then maybe nothing will happen.”

“You know what?” James put his hands on his knees and pushed himself up. “That’s a great idea. Wow. Thanks Michael.” He tossed his jacket back around his body and ran out the door.

“I am a genius.” Michael slowly pushed his office door closed and smiled to himself.