I’m back from my mini hiatus, with my computer issues solved (via a new laptop) and I’m really hoping someone out there still wants to read this.
I was leaning towards ‘Phyllis’ Wedding’ for this chapter but I couldn’t resist a little look at ‘A Benihana Christmas’ first....
~
Christmas.
She sits at her desk and thinks of last year.
She tries to remember the various gifts she gave. She thinks how much shorter her list is this year. She hopes Roy remembers to buy his Mom something.
She tries to think of all the gifts she received. She skips over the memory of crying because she wasn’t even worth a real ipod to her fianc. She thinks of a teapot that meant more than a real ipod ever could. She smiles. She sighs.
Her mind’s stuck on fast forward when she remembers him these days and she’s dwelling on Casino Night again in a heartbeat. She wonders how she got from teapots to heartbreak. She thinks about how he looked when she picked the ipod and thinks it’s not such a big leap really. Not for the first time, she thinks, she should have seen it coming.
She thinks of all the gifts she’s got stored away to give. Her favorite is sitting in the drawer to her left and she’s decided today is the day to give it to him. She’s decided that every day for the past week. She thinks gaining confidence will be her New Year’s resolution. She’s decided that every year for the past ten. She hates irony.
She calls him over and thinks about all the gifts she’ll receive this year. For the first time in a long time she asked for what she wants when her parents asked her. He approaches. She thinks about what she wants.
She wishes she knew how to ask for it.
She tries the only way she knows.
“For the past few months, I’ve been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.”
She hands over the red folder, barely keeping her hands steady. It’s pathetic and she knows it but this is the closest thing to physical contact they’ve had in weeks. She wonders if he’ll ever know that he makes her tremble.
He leans over her desk and smiles. She rethinks the more ambitious ideas of what she wants. She thinks it’d be better than the teapot if he’d just stand here and smile at her sometimes.
“So here’s the gift: you get to decide what his top secret mission is.” (Hello)
She waits. She’s holding out her teapot.
“You know what? Um... I really don’t think I should be doing this stuff anymore though.” (Goodbye)
He picks the ipod. She wonders if this is how he felt last year.
“No, just ‘cause of the promotion...”
He looks apologetic and she wonders if he really is. She wonders if he misses being the guy who didn’t care about his job any more than was absolutely necessary to not get fired. She wonders if he hates the man he was. She wonders if she made him hate the man he was. She likes to think the changes are about Karen, about him choosing this life because he really wants it. She can’t stand the thought that she made him hate the man he was, not when that’s the man she loves.
Once he’s gone from her desk she finds herself thinking of last Christmas again. She spends much of her time in her past these days, wondering if how she’s feeling is how he felt when she did this, or that. She thinks about the ipod and the teapot and how he must have loved her then. She thinks about how he still wished Roy a Merry Christmas when Roy was taking her home.
When Angela shoots down the Stamford Christmas ideas, she thinks about Jim and Roy and how it must have hurt him every day. She tries to think of all the times he showed it. She can’t. She feels guilty.
“I feel like I’ve been kind of cold to Karen and there’s no reason for it.”
It’s Christmas and Karen looks lonely. They plan their own party and she’s surprised to find Karen is perfectly nice. It certainly complicates things.
It’s a new sort of pain, smiling and laughing with Karen and knowing that the poor girl has no idea of the mess she’s walked into, has no idea of how the shy receptionist is pining after her boyfriend. The guilt makes her nicer, if that’s possible.
She wonders if this is how Jim used to feel. It’s odd that all these potential parallels make her feel closer to him, even as they’re drifting miles apart.
She watches them exchange Christmas gifts and thinks about her little red folder, discarded in a drawer of her desk. She wishes she could bring herself to hate Karen. She can’t. It’s the big difference she hits in all her parallels, and it’s just not fair. He probably knew a million reasons why Roy was wrong for her before she ever did. The only reason she can think of to suggest that Karen’s not perfect for him is that Karen isn’t her. Considering his recent behavior, she decides that’s not even a reason anymore.
She’s thinking about last year again when he stops at her desk on his way out.
“Oh, you know what? Sorry, I forgot to tell you. I intercepted a transmission earlier and its seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their headquarters at Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents.”
Out of nowhere, he picks the teapot.
They organize the prank and for the first time in a while she’s happy to stay in her present. Her mind doesn’t stray to the past when he’s conspiring with her like he used to. For just a moment he’s her Jim again.
She goes home and makes herself some tea. She thinks about how Roy never knew what she wanted for Christmas. She thinks about how Jim always did (still does). She thinks about all the heartbreak and the upheaval. She looks around her own home, lets her eyes linger on her artwork. She decides she’s in a better place this year than last.
And after all, he did pick the teapot.
~
Christmas.
He sits at his desk and tries not to think of last year.
Everything was different last year. He was a different man last year. He tries not to think of how much thought and effort he put into that teapot. He pulls open his top drawer, looks at the wrapped present for Karen and thinks about how quickly he picked it. He tells himself that means something good for him and Karen. He tells himself that effortless is a good thing.
Being himself used to be effortless. Wasting whole days with pranks on Dwight and not caring. Lunch break with her. Talking to her. Making her laugh. Loving her. He tells himself that effortless was a bad thing.
He ignores the voice telling him he can’t have it both ways.
She calls him over and it’s anything but effortless to stroll up to her desk like he used to.
“For the past few months, I’ve been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.”
He leans over as she shares her prank and it’s almost like it used to be. Effortless.
“So here’s the gift: you get to decide what his top secret mission is.” (Hello)
He pauses. It’s a new skill he’s practicing when it comes to her. He wants to laugh like he used to, grab the file and her hand and go drink soda while they plan their best scheme yet. She smiles up at him and he thinks about the ipod and the teapot and that her present, just like his, has taken time and thought. He thinks about what that could mean.
He takes a breath and pushes the thoughts away. Self preservation. It’s getting easier.
He forces his mind into fast forward, forces the memory of Casino Night to the forefront.
“You know what? Um... I really don’t think I should be doing this stuff anymore though.” (Goodbye)
He can’t go back to how it was then. Even a baby step backwards.
He’s a different man now. It’s not effortless but he’s beyond caring about that. The new him doesn’t laugh as hard, or as often. The new him doesn’t smile as much, or as wide. The new him is serious and in control and a lot of things the old him wouldn’t have approved of. He tells himself that the new him doesn’t hurt as much.
Sometimes he admits the truth to himself. It’s a half life he’s living and it can’t last.
He used to laugh and smile and joke with her.
These days he pauses until those sorts of feelings go away.
He used to love her.
These days he pauses until he can control those sorts of feelings. They don’t seem to be going away,
Karen is funny and beautiful and everything the new him needs or wants. He knows he should be falling in love with Karen. It’s his New Year’s Resolution to try to let himself.
He watches Pam and Karen and thinks about Roy. He watches them laugh and joke and thinks about how hard it was to try anything like that with Roy. He looks at how easy it is for her and thinks she wasn’t lying when she pushed him away in May. He stores the thought away, to pull up the next time she does something that makes him hope otherwise, something that makes him think, maybe.
Despite this, he knows it’s not for Karen’s sake that he approves the Committee to Plan Parties. Sometimes it’s just like it used to be. He thinks of all the reasons why she doesn’t love him and then she smiles and he doesn’t give a damn about any of them. Sometimes she smiles at him, or offers him a red folder, or a cup of coffee, or a paperclip and he thinks, maybe. In those moments he feels more alive than he has in months.
There’s a far few margaritas involved when he talks to Michael. It’s one of those rare moments when his boss’ unique level of crazy is toned down enough for an honest conversation. He comforts Michael about the waitress fiasco. He finds himself thinking about how these moments always end up about him and Pam in the end.
He tries to pause and filter his feelings.
It’s been a long day but that’s not why he’s exhausted. For once he can’t summon the effort to deny it.
“Which, don’t get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction, but, when it’s over, you’re left thinking about the girl you really like. The one that broke your heart.”
He vaguely wonders why it’s Michael who always seems to be the one to draw the truth out of him without even trying.
He watches from afar as Pam hugs Roy. It still hurts.
He thinks about the changes he’s made. He realizes he’s been kidding himself.
It’s a facade and it’s falling.
He thinks about less laughter, less smiles and not a drop of grape soda. He thinks about how none of that makes him stop loving her.
He thinks about the man he used to be. He’s been remembering the heartache and pain. He’s almost forgotten that there was laughter and smiling and her. He lets himself remember.
It’s late and it’s Christmas and he’s just too tired to pretend he doesn’t miss the way it used to be.
“Oh, you know what? Sorry, I forgot to tell you. I intercepted a transmission earlier and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down at their headquarters at Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents.”
He goes home and thinks about how, despite everything in between, he was happier this time last year than he is now. There was heartache and pain, but there was her.
And after all, she did pick his teapot.
~
Author's Chapter Notes:
“So here’s the gift: you get to decide what his top secret mission is.” Hello
“You know what? Um... I really don’t think I should be doing this stuff anymore though.” Goodbye
“You know what? Um... I really don’t think I should be doing this stuff anymore though.” Goodbye
Chapter End Notes:
Review make me smile and feel less nervous that people have already forgotten this story.
