how i'd knead into your chest while you were sleepingHer laughter fades after a moment and the two of them sit there in silence.
shallow breathing made me purr
-the weakerthans, virtue the cat explains her departure
"Oh, here she is." He gets up, offering Pam his hand. "Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there."
She pauses, looking up at him with wide eyes.
"Hey, um, can I ask you a question?"
"Shoot."
She stares at him for a while, then looks around. She spots the camera guys on the other side of the parking lot, still following Michael and Dwight to their cars, and feels safe for the moment.
"Will you take me home?"
She doesn't really want to go home to Roy, especially after their fight earlier, and she really doesn't want to get a ride from Angela - not tonight - and the way she seems to purposely form her question in a vague way makes something twist inside of her.
"Uh.. Sure." He smiles nervously at her before tugging open the passenger side door on Angela's car. He leans in, one hand pressed against the roof, and tells her that he's going to take Pam home instead. He thanks her for the offer in Pam's stead, then shuts the door again, but not before Pam catches the obviously disapproving look on her face.
Jim waits until Angela starts to drive away before turning back to Pam.
"Ready?" She nods and starts to walk away, but pauses when she realizes she has no idea where he's parked. She stumbles as she turns around, but his arm is quickly around her waist, a steadying presence that makes her smile.
"Easy, now. I think you've done enough damage tonight."
"Shut up," she laughs, shifting from one foot to the other in an attempt to keep herself warm as he unlocks the car door for her. She climbs in and he shuts the door behind her. He pauses before climbing into the driver's side, taking a deep breath of the cool September air.
Once he's inside, the car is filled with a heavy silence, broken only by the revving of the engine as he turns the key in the ignition.
"So, are we-"
"Let's go to your place." Before she can even think, the words are out of her mouth. They hang there in the space between them until Jim nods and puts the car into drive. She's surprised when he doesn't even question her request, but says nothing.
Before he pulls out of the parking lot, he leans over and flicks the radio on, his iPod coming to life as he hands it to her. "Here, pick whatever you like."
She spins the wheel in the center of the iPod, letting it stop at something random. A guitar starts to play through the speakers, slow and heavy. It isn't something she recognizes, but the feel of the music seems to match the state of her body as Jim points the car in the direction of his apartment.
He shushes her twice before they're even inside the door, but her giggles just won't subside.
"Pam!" he hisses, turning towards her with an angry look on his face, that quickly melts away at the sight of her doubled over on his front steps. "You're going to wake Mark and then he'll kick me out and I'll be homeless and it'll be all your fault."
She stops giggling a moment later, taking him seriously, and nods. "Just open the door, Halpert. It's cold out here."
He smiles widely at her and opens the door easily. "Hold on, it's dark. Lemme turn a light on." He fumbles his way into the kitchen and hits the lights. When he turns around, she's standing right behind him, her coat still wrapped tightly around her.
"Now what?"
Unfortunately, he has no answer to that question. He's not even sure why she wanted him to bring her here instead of back home to Roy.
"Uh. Why don't you take off your coat and go sit inside? I'll get you some water." He has a feeling she's going to need it after all the drinks she stole tonight.
When he steps into the den, her coat is abandoned on a chair and she's sprawled out on the couch. "Are you seriously comfortable like that?"
"Not really." She sits up as he moves to sit with her and he hands her a glass of water. "Thanks."
He smiles at her and nods. "No problem."
There's a long, awkward silence as she sips her water.
"Can I ask you a question?" Her voice cracks a little when she speaks and it startles him.
"Didn't you already ask me a question today? I'm pretty sure you're only allotted one per day," he teases.
She wrinkles her nose up at him. "I'm serious, Jim!"
"Sorry, sorry." He watches her carefully, as if any minute she's going to jump up and run out the door or something. "Ask me a question."
She sets her empty glass on the coffee table, then leans back against the cushions. She turns her head towards him, the smile gone from her face.
"I think I'm going to leave Roy."
He's stunned into silence and his jaw drops slightly. Talk about dropping a bomb.
"Jim.. Say something."
"That was not a question."
"Say something else," she begs, her voice soft and her eyes pleading with him.
"Why?"
"Because... I realized that I don't want to marry him," she says slowly, as if picking and choosing the right words is more difficult that it seems.
"Oh." He wants to ask if that's really the only reason, but she starts to talk again, quicker this time.
"He's not.. We're not right for each other," she amends, staring down at her fingers where they're twisting in her lap. "We argue about everything and-"
"All couples argue, Pam," he points out, wishing he hadn't when she shoots him a look.
"Don't do that, Jim."
"Do what?"
"Do what you're doing. Just.. stop." She lets out a heavy breath and tips her head back again, closing her eyes and shutting him out before she continues to talk. "Why, Jim? Why do you-" She stops talking abruptly and he glances at her again, but she's a lot closer than he expected and suddenly she's kissing him instead of talking.
They fall back against the arm of the couch, his arms around her and her hands on his face. He kisses her for a minute or two before pulling away.
"Pam, what're you doing?" he chokes out, pushing her away and sitting up again.
"Just-" She can't find the words to explain what she's feeling, so she just looks at him, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. She just wants him to understand that she can't marry Roy because she's slowly falling in love with him. Her eyes search his insistently, hoping that he'll just get it.
And he does, he just doesn't believe it. He can't believe it. He's trained himself so well to ignore even the most obvious signs that he can't bring himself to believe what he sees, hears, or feels anymore. Even as he feels it deep in his gut, he doubts himself.
"Pam.."
"I just want you to understand, Jim." He's sure she's just saying things now. That she's too drunk to even know what's coming out of her mouth, what the rest of her body is doing as she speaks. When she kisses him for the second time, he doesn't push her away. What he pushes away is that part of himself that keeps telling him this is the worst idea he's ever had since that one time he thought it'd be cool to try putting the cat in the dryer. For the first time ever, he ignores that voice and kisses her like he's always wanted to.
His hands come up on either side of her face, thumbs brushing her cheekbones lightly, and she's back in his lap, kissing him more eagerly than she had been the first time. Her fingers inch their way underneath the hem of his shirt and he doesn't remember when it got untucked or where his tie went or when she kicked her shoes off or when her shirt became unbuttoned, but his hands are sliding down her neck, tracing the line and dip of her clavicle, and following the lace of her bra. He watches, transfixed, as her breasts rise and fall more and more when he covers the cup of her bra with his palm.
Her breath catches when their eyes meet and she's worrying her bottom lip between her teeth again so he just has to lean in and kiss her. His hand slides over her ribs to splay against her back, pulling her against him even more until there's barely enough room for them to breathe without their skin touching.
She's soft beneath his hands, pliable and willing to please, as he pushes her back again. The confusion - and maybe hurt - in her eyes quickly disappears when he stands up, taking her hands in his to pull her onto her feet. The stumbling climb up the stairs to his bedroom is longer than she'd like, though she doesn't mind all that much because he keeps stopping to push her up against the wall to touch and kiss her. Every kiss leaves her more breathless than the last and she hopes that never stops.
When they reach his room and he turns to close the door behind her, his hands press against the wood on either side of her head and he's leaning over her - though she feels like he's towering because every time she looks up, she gets dizzy - as he moves in to kiss her again. Her hands slide over his chest and she tries to push him backwards, towards the bed, but he's a lot stronger than she is and doesn't let her. And suddenly it's a fight for power and control of the situation. Their kissing gets more and more heated and her hands move over his skin urgently, like she's losing time and needs to touch every inch of him before it runs out completely. She pushes against his shoulders a little harder, but all he does is pin her to the door with his hips, sliding a knee between her thighs. Her nails dig into his skin and he lets out a muffled gasp against the side of her neck before nipping at the warm spot just under her hair.
She jumps as his teeth scrape her skin and he smiles, feeling like he's won. Her fingers fumble against the front of his shirt, struggling with all the buttons, until she finally succeeds in undoing them all. He feels the moan vibrating her throat when her fingers slide through the hair on his chest and smiles again. It irritates her, but only because she knows he has won, and she pushes him back. He moves this time, wrapping his arms around her first, and steps back towards the bed slowly. He wants to ask her if she's in a hurry, but he doesn't want to chance saying something that's going to break the spell they both seem to be under. He's afraid if either of them really start to think about what they're doing, they'll stop and things will just turn awkward. If things are going to be awkward, he wants to get something out of it first. He refuses to think about what that makes him sound like, so he just ignores it, turning his focus back to Pam. Because she's pushed him down onto his bed already and he doesn't quite remember when she took his shirt off. He's forgetting a lot of things and he's so close to panicking because if this is really going to happen, he doesn't want to forget a minute of it. He wants to remember it forever.
"Pam." He chokes out her name and she looks up from where she'd been kissing down his chest. He sits up and moves back a little so she's kneeling over his legs instead of over his hips. She blinks, looking confused.
"Jim..?" He can tell by the sound of her voice that she's scared he's going to push her away and tell her to go home or something.
"I-I can't do this," he mumbles, running a shaking hand through his hair. "Not like this. Please." He knows how he sounds - desperate and beyond pathetic - but it's how he feels and he can't help himself. He feels like he's totally been stripped down to bare bones and laid himself in front of her. He hides nothing when he looks in her eyes and he knows she can see it.
She looks more than hurt as she climbs down from the bed on shaky legs. Her arms wrap around herself and her head drops down, hair spilling over her shoulders and hiding her face.
After a moment of neither of them moving or speaking, Jim gets up and walks over to her. He settles his hands on her shoulders before sliding them down to her arms, rubbing them lightly. When she doesn't pull away, he wraps her up in a hug.
"I can't go home," she says against his chest, finally breaking down in tears. He rubs her back and gently guides her back to the bed. He holds her until she stops crying, still murmuring comforting words in her ear, then pulls away and gets up. Half of her clothes are strewn all over the apartment, so he goes to his dresser and pulls out a t-shirt and a pair of his boxers, then holds them out to her.
She knows where the bathroom is and goes to change, leaving him alone with his thoughts. The room feels colder than it did twenty minutes ago and he hurries to change before she comes back. She lingers in the bathroom for a while, staring at her reflection in his smudgy mirror before leaning over the sink to splash cool water on her face. She feels a little better, she decides. Not great, but better.
When she tiptoes back into Jim's room, he's already stretched out on his bed, hands folded behind his head. He looks up when the door opens, then stands when he sees it's her. She sets the remainder of her clothes on his desk chair, then stands at the side of the bed, twisting the hem of the too-long t-shirt in her fingers.
"Here. You-" He pauses, moving towards the door. "You sleep in the bed. I'll go take the couch downstairs."
She looks up at him with wide eyes and chews on her lip in a way that makes him want to make her stop by kissing her.
"Jim.." She tilts her head a little, once again, willing him to just understand. She just wants him to stay.
"Pam, please. I can't, okay?" Her face falls just a tiny bit but it's enough to make to make his heart ache.
"Please." It isn't even a question, but he knows what she's asking. He also knows he's a fool to agree, but he's going to anyway because if there's anything he can't do, it's deny her something.
He moves back towards the bed and pulls back the sheets, gesturing for her to get in first. It's not a large bed, but there's room enough for two. She climbs in and curls up on his side. He doesn't say anything, though, just walks around and gets in on the other side.
He barely has time to get himself in order - and not touching her - before she's sliding up to him and settling against his chest. His arm hangs in the air, unsure, before he gently drops it around her waist. His hand splays against her back and she feels warm beneath his t-shirt. It isn't long before she's sleeping, her breath tickling his throat, and he quickly follows behind her, sleeping better than he has in weeks.
She wakes up in the middle of the night and watches him sleep. His arm is still curled around her, protectively but not so tightly that she can't move around, and she presses her palm lightly against his chest. Her hand warms immediately and she smiles.
