......It's really over.
I mean, I always knew it was over. I knew when he turned me down for coffee, I knew when I saw her rub his back, hand him gum, when he told me in the parking lot that he had 'sorta started seeing someone'. I knew when I talked him into encouraging her to move two blocks away from him.
No.....I guess I really didn't know. I guess.....I kinda held on to some kind of hope, however fragile. However unlikely.
Dear God, it hurts to breathe right now.
But he saw me looking at him, I know it was written all over my face. He knew what it meant--
I walked out. He didn't come after me, he was dancing with Karen. I didn't walk out so that he WOULD come after me....I just had to get out of there.....but the old Jim would have come after me.
It's over.
I have to get out of here, I have to go home. Now.
.......And here comes Roy.
He looks nice, he is looking at me the way I wish Jim would. Like he really cares about what I think, like he really wants to please me. Like he really did, as he just said, want to marry me.
Like he loves me.
Jewel. It used to be 'our song'.
"I know. I gave them twenty bucks. Wanna dance?"
No. Yes. I don't know.
...I know I don't want to be alone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I have to find her.
Jim waited out that entire song with Karen. He normally had no opinion of "Fields of Gold", a song he considered not great, but harmless....but now he was cursing every single verse. She was still looking up at him and smiling, flirting, and he muttered at what he thought was probably the right times. She seemed not to notice. He wondered how it was that he could have even thought they were so right together, when he was standing here holding her, pondering when he would be able to break it off not tonight, for sure and she was completely unaware of the turn his thoughts had taken.
Finally, finally, the band lit into a more upbeat song. Jim led Karen off the dance floor, held her chair for her as she sat down. She was laughing at something Toby was saying. He leaned over, asked her what she would like to drink, and excused himself to get it.
Right. Such a gentleman.
He started by looking near both bars. She wasn't there. He checked the coatroom, entered the reception hall via the door furthest away from Karen, scanned the crowd. It was never difficult for him to know Pam's whereabouts—he knew in any situation, in any mix of people, exactly where she was at any given time. His senses seemed to follow her even when his eye didn't.
She wasn't there.
And now, Kevin's band was playing "You Were Meant For Me." Jewel, no less. How does Jewel fit in with Scrantonicity?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jim stood again at the bar, waiting for a drink.
And he saw her, he saw the flash of her pink coat. She was past him, walking toward the door......
Holding Roy's hand. Leaving, with Roy.
But there it was, exactly as he suspected: that bent over, huddled up posture. She was not looking at Roy, she was not smiling at Roy, she was bent over as if to ward off a blow; shoulders bowed, head down.
Because she thinks I have rejected her.
Because that's how she looks every time I have rejected her.
This isn't about Roy......it's about me. Maybe it's always been about me......
And the word ripped it's way out of his lungs, past his throat and into the heavy, warm air like a knife: "PAM!" He was already walking toward her, already seeing stars behind his eyes, already feeling his heart pound through his suit jacket, his stomach pooling into a puddle at his feet. It was too loud- there were too many people- Kevin was beating his drums and Jim had a visceral need to take those drumsticks and shove them down his throat. She wasn't going to hear him and it would ruin everything, it would change everything...................
"PAM!" She stopped. And she turned to look at him.
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali
© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali