When they finally reached his car and shut the doors, both of them were soaked. But for some reason, Jim wasn’t as cold as he thought he would be. He glanced over at Pam and saw she was shivering and he turned on the heat. Just because he was having temperature issues didn’t mean everyone else was.
As he sat back for a moment and waited for the car to heat up, he couldn’t help but glance at Pam. She was pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands, trying to warm them up. Although, that didn’t do anything since she was basically drenched from head to toe. Droplets of rain were falling off her loose curls onto her skirt, seeping into the already drenched fabric.
Jim looked over himself felt his jacket and pants. He was wet too, and feeling his skin, it was cold to the touch.
So why all of a sudden did he feel warm?
~*~*~
Pam wished the damn car would warm up already. She couldn’t stop shivering and she knew Jim kept looking at her because of it. His compassion and sympathy was something she always loved him for. But not now, not when everything with him was cold and unsure. If he didn’t stop looking at her like that, she’d have to get out of the car.
“It should warm up in a few minutes.” He said finally filling the dead silence in the car.
She just nodded. She liked the silence; if no one talked neither of them could lie.
~*~*~
He wanted to keep talking to her but he didn’t know what to say. That’s when he finally realized how off they had been. Pam was someone he could always talk to. Now it was pointless questions and empty conversations.
She interrupted him before he could talk. “Is Karen waiting for you?”
Jim looked at her dumbfounded. He hadn’t thought of Karen since she had gotten in the car. “Yeah, were going…”
Pam laughed bitterly. It was something Jim never wanted to hear come from her again. “I don’t need to know the details.”
Jim nodded and put the shift into drive. He was beginning to like the silence filling the car.
“Am I taking you to your apartment?” he asked, not caring if monotone was beginning to take over his voice.
“Yes.” She answered, looking out the window.
He wondered if she was just going to answer only yes or no questions. Was that the game plan now? Just ignore all the other questions that needed more of an explanation? It was so like Pam to run away from things that got too much for her to handle; things that mattered too much for her to be disappointed.
If anything, that was why he was with Karen. It was at those times he hated himself the most.
~*~*~
Pam realized that after Jim pulled out from the parking lot, he stopped trying to make conversation with her. She didn’t know whether she was disappointed he stopped trying or whether she was relieved that the twenty questions would cease.
She reached for the radio knob and pulled back; hoping Jim didn’t see her slip. She couldn’t do things like that anymore. She wasn’t use to that and she hoped it was something she never got comfortable with. She still wanted to be his friend, but it was hard. He had Karen and she was damn near perfect. Why would Jim need a friend like her when he had Karen?
~*~*~
Jim saw her reach for the radio and his breath caught. It happened so quickly that the air trapped in his throat seemed to burn the muscles and bone. He watched her pull her hand back and set it on her lap and he focused on the road not wanting her to know what he saw. He was glad she had a second thought because the music that would have turned on was a CD he had made a while back. It was titled, “Songs about Pam.”
Not that she would recognize the songs were about her, but it upset Jim to no end. He wondered why in the hell it was still in the car. He could have sworn he took it out and threw it somewhere when he got back from Stamford. But things like that surprised him. He didn’t want to believe that throwing things out of his reach was going to make him feel better.
Or that listening to songs about Pam when Karen was in the car didn’t mean anything.
~*~*~
Jim turned onto Pam’s street and parked the car. When they stopped she hesitated, not wanting to get out.
He glanced up from staring at the dash. “Something…wrong?” he asked quietly. It was a stupid question; everything was wrong. “You do live here right?” He made a stupid joke because that’s the only thing he knew how to do when things got rough.
“Yeah. Listen Jim,” she turned towards him now. “I don’t want things like this.”
“Like what?” He knew how to play dumb really well too. But she wasn’t amused.
“Like…this. We haven’t had a real conversation in how many days now? You honestly want to stay this way?” Her voice was thick with emotion and he couldn’t look at her because of it.
“I don’t—I. I don’t know.” It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t actually the truth either.
She held her head low and nodded. Jim could see droplets falling onto her skirt again but he knew it wasn’t rain this time. He let out a sigh and looked around in the car, not knowing what to do. If anything, everything, had been different he would have reached over and gathered her into his arms. But he shook his head and thought of Karen.
When she sniffled and tears started pouring more frequently he guessed she was feeling embarrassed because she turned to get out of the car.
“Pam wait, come on. Don’t cry ok?” he pleaded with her. She inched back into the car and didn’t wait a moment more to throw her arms around him.
He was tense for a minute, but not a second longer. She folded into his arms and rested her head on his broad chest. They had fallen back into what they were before, even if Jim wanted to deny it or not.
~*~*~
Pam felt so stupid lying there and sobbing on Jim’s chest. She was embarrassed, and upset, and instantly wanted to crawl into a hole.
Although, beyond all her screwed up emotions, she was confused too. He was stroking her hair and moving down to her back to rub in small circles, which is something he should not have been doing. She knew he was with Karen and the lines that he was crossing by doing this.
And at that moment Pam noticed something she hadn’t in days, Jim was warm again.
Author's Chapter Notes:
comments are welcome!
Chapter End Notes:
thanx to all who have been reading!
