It started out like any other day. Wake up, get a shower, detangle hangers to get clothes out of the closet, look in the mirror, think about Jim, put on makeup, put on a necklace—
Pam stopped in mid reach for her necklace and glanced at the bear sitting on her dresser. Everyday was the same routine for her. This meant everyday she wore the necklace Roy had gotten her when they first got engaged. She used to wear it because it symbolized them and their love and commitment. But after a while, she just wore it because it was a habit; something to twist around in her fingers when she dazed off.
But as she looked at the bear, which at the moment symbolized Jim, she wondered if wearing a new necklace would break her routine. She picked up the necklace and placed it around her neck and glanced at herself in the mirror. The chain was cold around her neck and the pedant hung loosely just below her collar bone.
She placed her hand over the heart and ran her fingers over the engraving. Heart to realize…wanted all along. What did that even mean anyways? That Jim knew he was in love with her all that time and couldn’t say anything? That being with Karen meant nothing?
Pam shook her head while taking off the necklace. She put it on the bear and grabbed her coat to head out the door. If Jim’s heart wanted to tell her something, he’d have to do it himself. He couldn’t just hide behind an engraving forever.
~*~*~
Jim turned side to side in his chair against his desk. He saw Karen smile at him and he couldn’t help but pretend he was just fooling around to look at her. But really he kept wondering where the hell Pam was. She wasn’t too late, but as he looked at his watch ten minutes was turning into twenty. He turned to the left and stopped short when he realized Karen was out of her seat and sitting on his desk.
“Hey Karen.” He said surprised. Should have toned it down a bit though, it sounded like he hadn’t realized she was on the same planet let alone the same room.
“Listen Jim I don’t know what exactly is going on between us but we need to talk.”
She sounded serious and surprise, angry. Jim shook his head; he thought everything had been alright through dinner last night. But I guess some things are just unpredictable.
“Ok, what’s wrong?” he asked.
“You don’t know what today is do you?”
He ran through possibilities in his head. He came up with Wednesday, May 18th and the day after Pam’s birthday. But none of them sounded good enough to tell Karen. “I don’t know.” When she gave an angry sigh his mouth squeaked out Wednesday.
“Wednesday?” she asked incredulously. “Jim, it’s our seven month anniversary! I mean I was giving you all morning to say something but you forgot didn’t you?”
He rubbed his temples with his hands and let out a sigh. He had forgotten about that; about them. All he could think of was Pam and if she liked her gift or not. He glanced at reception; and when the hell she was coming into work. But honestly, that’s all he wanted to care about. He felt like he was back on the Booze Cruise breaking up with Katy, that’s how much he didn’t care about the situation. But as he looked up at Karen and saw her lip quivering, he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
The words he had told Katy had vanished from his tongue. “Karen I’m sorry.” He was honest about that too, which kind of surprised him.
She took off in the other direction. “Just leave me alone Jim.”
He tried convincing himself that that conversation didn’t mean anything; but the throbbing headache told him differently.
~*~*~*
Pam came in and set her bag down and hung up her coat. As soon as she turned on her computer and opened a few files she went over to talk with Jim. She approached him and realized he didn’t look too good. His elbows were perched on his desk and he had his head in his hands and was rubbing his temples.
“Hey Jim.” She said softly. “Are you ok?”
He glanced up at her and nodded. “Yeah, it’s just a headache.”
She wanted to ask if it was Karen induced but steered clear of anything that would ruin what she was about to say. “I really loved my necklace.”
She tried to ignore the fact that he seemed really distracted. She saw him glance through the break room door at the bathrooms and realized Karen wasn’t at her desk.
Her heart rose and fell all at the same time. “Jim is everything ok?”
“I got into another fight with Karen. I didn’t remember this was our seventh month anniversary.” He said quietly.
Pam felt a sickening pang in her stomach and placed a hand on the edge of his desk. This isn’t what she wanted to talk about but looking down at him she couldn’t resist when she realized he was pretty upset.
She sighed. “And let me guess, you feel like an ass because you forgot and you’re trying to figure out why you didn’t remember. And you’re trying to convince yourself that forgetting about it didn’t mean anything. Although, you’re pretty sure it does.”
Jim stood suddenly and Pam realized he was close enough that she could feel the heat of his skin and the shakiness of his breathing. “How do you always do that?”
“Do what?” she asked. She dug her hand into the side of his desk at risk of falling over.
“Say what I’m feeling before I even know I’m feeling it.”
Really? She could do that? The last part wasn’t even directed to him, she was just rambling and what she felt came out in the end.
“Maybe you do know but you’re just confused.” Damn and so was she. Was she talking about being confused how he felt about Karen or herself?
He couldn’t just say it could he? Those three little words he said so easily before obviously came with an expiration date.
“Do you…love her?” she asked again. Her heartbeat was erratic and she felt like she was tail spinning out of control.
~*~*~*
Jim had only been sure of one thing. Ever since he met Pam he was confused. It was like when she came near him all his brain cells died and he couldn’t make sense of anything anymore. So when she said he was ‘maybe confused’ he almost burst out laughing and told her that’s all he’d ever been.
But when she asked him again if he loved Karen he thought his heart stopped. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Was this what a heart attack felt like?
“I’m in love…with—” Jim broke off and stared at her expectant face. He blamed Pam; he realized always did. After he said he loved her once before, two bigger words always flashed in his head before he could say anything.
Jim grabbed her wrist and guided her outside near the stairs entrance. When he got there he felt the sudden urge to pace and tried to ignore it.
“Here’s the thing, I was in love with you for so long that I didn’t know how to do anything else.”
Jim realized instead of pacing he was now backing her into a corner. But he felt good about it, maybe if she ended up against a wall she couldn’t back out from feeling what she should and cowering away from it.
“And then you said you couldn’t and I left thinking I’d never get over that. But the thing is I did. I met Karen and I got over you. So when I came back I thought I was ready but I wasn’t. And I don’t know what the hell it is that you do, but every time I see you I fall right back in love with you.”
He was close enough to touch her now and he did. He was already skin deep in words; touching her wouldn’t be much of a difference. He moved his hand along the side of her face and his other hand stroked the ends of her hair.
“And suddenly I’m right back where I was.” He shook his head. “I’m in love with you.”
~*~*~*
When Jim touched her she felt like she was melting and freezing all at the same time. It was just like her to have conflicting emotions, so it came naturally that her body would be confused about what it felt too. When he grazed along the side of Pam’s face his hand felt like ice but it was odd how her skin kept boiling.
“I’m in love with you.” Was the next thing that registered in his head and it took all her energy from just kissing him. She felt her hands jerk the end of his tie and then before she knew it he had lifted her up into his arms and was pushing her through the stairs doorway.
After that she couldn’t contain herself and she pushed herself into him as he backed her against a wall. Their lips connected and she felt his hands going through her hair since her weight was suspended between him and the wall. All the passion that had been left unfelt was suddenly pouring out them and she felt herself being unable to breathe between kisses. But that didn’t stop her, after all this time it felt good to just be with him. She snaked her own hand around his neck and pulled his face closer to turn the kisses deeper and harsher.
And suddenly everything stopped. Because when Pam opened her eyes she saw Jim starting to put her down and back away.
~*~*~
“Pam…” he said softly. What could he say to her? That he hadn’t really meant all of what he had just said? Or that touching her hadn’t been the thing that he’s wanted for so long? “I um…lets just back up for a minute.”
“You’re walking away again aren’t you?” she asked quietly, her eyes falling to the floor.
He wanted to know how in the hell she did that. How did she know what the hell he was feeling all the time?
“I just feel like this isn’t right. I’m taking advantage of what you’re feeling.” Great, now he no longer knew what he was talking about.
Her voice was thick with tears. “Maybe I should decide what I’m feeling before you go conclusion jumping.” He knew she was angry he seemed to assume things all the time.
“I just think I need to fix things for this to work.”
He watched as she nodded and as tears began to pool down from her eyes. Why was she crying? Wasn’t it good that he would fix things and they could be together? Maybe he was saying everything wrong.
“Look at me.” He said.
When she looked up, Jim walked towards her and pressed her gently against the wall again. He took her head in his hands and kissed her passionately once more. As he felt her lips move along with his he tasted the sweet saltiness of her tears leaking through their lips and onto his tongue.
But just as quickly as he had kissed her, he pulled away and left the stairwell. As he leaned against the door he could still feel Pam on the other side. How many doors needed to be between them before things were set straight?
Jim wasn’t confused anymore; things hadn’t been this clear in a long time. He knew what he needed to do, but he didn’t know how he should handle it. One thing was certain; he couldn’t just ignore this anymore. Ignoring bliss tended to come with dire consequences.
Author's Chapter Notes:
love it? hate it? as always thanks for reading! :D
