“I’ll see you at my place?” Jim could hear Karen ask him a question. And he knew the answer was somewhere close, but he couldn’t seem to reach it.
When she touched his hand he snapped his head to look at her. “What?”
“I said after work are you coming to my place?”
Is this really what they did all the time? Just ignore the minor shifting of emotions and going to one another’s for dinner?
“I’m making chicken with a side of carrots…” She was trailing off, which was okay since he wasn’t even listening completely. Who was kidding? He wished he could pretend that he hadn’t been listening. Because if he didn’t hear her, her voice wouldn’t penetrate his skin and leave grief in its wake.
“Carrots?” Jim said softly. He was loosing his footing with his words. He couldn’t concentrate anymore on what he had to do. He’d never really broken up with anyone before except Katy. But he never really felt anything for her; she had always been just a rebound.
“Which don’t get me wrong is a real great distraction. But when its over you’re left thinking about the girl you really love…the one that broke your heart…”
But then again so was Karen. He realized that from the moment those words had left his mouth; that’s all anyone ever was.
“Yeah, I know you liked those sweet carrots I made the last time. And I’ll make salad too.”
Like carrots would fix anything. She was grasping at straws and he could feel her helplessness.
He nodded. “Yeah, I do like those carrots.” He tried giving her a smile but it felt twisted.
He needed to go over her house for the dinner because she deserved his respect even though he didn’t deserve hers. After all, all he’d done was basically hide behind her because he was too scared to face Pam head on. So he’d head to her house and maybe help her prepare the salad and wait as long as he could before ruining what she thought was ok.
This for some reason, felt all too familiar.
~*~*~
Jim arrived at Karen’s an hour before he was supposed to and hesitated at the door. Maybe he could just turn around and forget about this whole entire thing; after all he was supposed to head to Pam’s after this. But his escape route went to no avail when Karen suddenly opened the door.
“Jim, you’re here early. I was just grabbing my mail.” She looked beautiful and he couldn’t deny that. Her eyes were shining, her lips were red with glossy lipstick and her hair was up in a clip leaving her bangs to frame her face. It just made what he had to do a whole lot harder.
“At seven at night?” Jim asked. He wasn’t snapping was he? He was so twisted around and turned about that he had no idea what his tone of voice was anymore.
“Yeah, I usually forget to get it in the mornings. Come on in.” She held the door open for him and he shut it behind him. He remembered how he used to grab the mail every morning he’d woken up there, and how he’d never end up doing it again.
Karen always liked to be organized when she did things and as Jim looked around her apartment, that’s exactly how things were. There was not a plate out of place. And that’s when Jim’s stomach started to churn and he didn’t think he’d be able to fake it through dinner. She’d lit candles and the mood around her dining room had been set to romantic. He wondered if he could somehow turn it back to casual without her noticing.
He walked into the kitchen and watched her move vegetables about in preparation of making the salad. He tried looking around for any type of box that resembled a present; an anniversary present. His eyes didn’t lock down on anything and he couldn’t tell whether he was more relieved or sickened by that fact. He wondered if she noticed he had walked in empty handed, hell he hadn’t even remembered to bring her flowers.
“You want to help?” she gestured to the carrots. He hesitated but made his way over to the kitchen island and sat down on one of the stools. He grabbed the potato peeler and started grazing it against the carrots until smaller shards fell into the salad bowl. He felt like that motion was what he doing to Karen; just slowly peeling away at her until the pieces fell.
“So do you still wanna talk?” One shard fell into the bowl.
She shook her head. “No, not so much anymore.”
Two shards of carrot fell. “Aren’t we having cooked carrots too?”
“Yeah, they’re in the microwave.”
There was just too many carrots in the world all of a sudden. “Don’t you think it’s a little much to have carrots as a side and in the salad?”
She took the potato peeler away from him. “If you don’t want to help just say so.” She said upset then added quietly. “Besides its only pieces.”
Pieces of her or pieces of carrot? “I think we should talk.”
“There’s nothing to say, we fixed everything. Ergo; you being here for our anniversary dinner.” She just kept cutting away at the cucumbers and now took Jim’s job of the carrots.
Even though she wasn’t looking at him he stared at her with sympathy. He kept trying to tell himself that all those things with Pam hadn’t really happened. That they were just twisted daydreams at his desk like he had every other day. Daydreams weren’t real and if he told Karen what he really wanted to say he wouldn’t be able to take it back, not this time. Maybe he just needed to shut up before he caused problems for himself.
Although her denying inevitable things did not make them true. “Karen, you know we didn’t fix everything. It kind of just smoothed over, like it always does.”
She stopped chopping then and sighed shakily. “Right like it always does, which means we’re fine.”
“We never talked about it. We never talk about any of the fights we have.” He almost sounded like he was accusing her. Like maybe if they had talked about it everything would’ve been alright.
“What about it? You forgot our anniversary and now you’re here. That’s all we need to focus on.” She started in on the salad again and Jim gently grabbed her hand.
“Karen, stop. Just look at me.”
When she did she pulled her hand away from his and rubbed underneath her eyes. “Jim just—what’re you doing?”
That’s the thing, he wasn’t doing anything. After she asked him he couldn’t bring himself to say it. How much longer did he need before he could just tell her? After all putting it off was worse for her than for him.
He got up from the stool and that’s when he heard her say it. “What did you say?” he asked. Please tell him it was anything then what he thought it was.
She raised her head and flipped the bangs out of her face. “I said I love you.”
If Jim could have looked anymore surprised he would have. He realized that that was her last straw; it was her last attempt of trying to get through to him.
“Um I…can’t?” He couldn’t believe he just told her that in a question. As the words hung in the air it felt all too familiar; like those words had broken his heart once before just like he was breaking hers.
He could barely say he was sorry after she started crying. He tried to come around the counter to at least hug her but Karen wouldn’t let him get within three inches of her. She told him to get out she almost threw the head of lettuce at his head. Her tears poured from her face and fell into the bowl; the salad was ruined.
~*~*~
Pam heard three quick knocks at her door. She was watching TV with a bag of popcorn and she honestly didn’t want to get up. Jim was an hour later than he said he was going to be but maybe it was just traffic. Although the deep pang in her stomach told her it wasn’t. Maybe something had happened with Karen and he hadn’t broken it off like he said he was going too.
As she got up to answer the door she felt horrible for thinking that. She regretted being so incentive about Karen and the whole situation. She knew what it felt like to lose a relationship before it ever really started.
A fourth knock came, louder than the others. “Ok, ok I’m coming.”
Opening the door a drunken Jim staggered in, instantly gathering Pam into his arms. He squeezed her tightly and Pam was forced to inhale a combination of stale beer and cigarette smoke.
“Jim? Are you ok?” she was kind of worried. She’d never really seen him this upset before. He was nuzzling into her neck and he wrapped his arms around her tighter as Pam lightly brought her arms to hang around his waist.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” He slurred.
Pam smiled. “Ok Jim, did you make friends with a bar tender again? They gave you drinks even though they knew you were fully wasted didn’t they?”
He pulled away and smiled goofily. “I have a lot of Halpert charm.”
She couldn’t help but smirk and she tapped his nose with her finger. “Yes you do, come on let’s get you to the couch.”
He kept mumbling things as she shut the door and guided him to the couch. She sat next to his slouching form and when she did he brought his legs up on the couch and laid his head down on her lap.
She smiled. “Here let me get a pillow.”
She lifted his head and placed a pillow on her lap. Jim shifted a few times then laid back down and rubbed his face against the pillow.
“I think you’re as softy as a pillow.”
Pam giggled. “Well spoken Halpert, get some rest we can talk in the morning.”
“I just had one or two drinks…and that’s only because I felt like such an ass after I left Karen’s. Not that I regretted it…I just—you should have seen her face Pam.” She could tell he was upset when his voice went lower at the end of his sentence.
Pam stroked his hair and let it slide between her fingers. “Shhh, get some sleep. We can talk about it tomorrow.”
“I did it for you.” He said sleepily. “It’s always for you.”
She kept stroking his hair until he fell asleep and leaned her head back on the couch. As she looked at the ceiling and occasionally ran her hand along Jim’s face, she realized every little thing she did was always for him too.
Author's Chapter Notes:
theres one more chapter after this, say what you wanna say. thanks for reading! :DDD
