Pam—

Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel about them. At least that’s what they say. So…I’m sitting here wishing that I could do just that…tell you exactly, and in no uncertain terms just how I feel about you. I’ve kept it a secret for so long that once in a while, I think I’m going crazy.

Sometimes I think that you already know…that you have to know…that I haven’t hidden it very well. I see a look on your face or we share a laugh and I can’t believe that you can’t see it written all over my face. I know it’s there. I know I keep it in check all of the time. I just can’t get up the courage to explain to you…to show you just what “it” is.

This card is the most forward I’ve been and hell, I’ll probably chicken out and not even give it to you. I guess if you are reading this, consider yourself a witness to a miracle.

The reason for this card is that I thought that it would be easier to put things down on paper. I wanted to be able to come up with one simple phrase that would just sweep you off of your feet because you’d just KNOW. But, here I am rambling like an idiot, so maybe I should just wrap this up.

Pam, you are the best thing in my life and I hope that you have a very merry Christmas and that you get everything that you wish for. You are amazing. You deserve to be happy.

As for what I was trying to say here…I’m almost out of space and I can’t do it. I worry too much about losing your friendship or pissing off Roy. I don’t want you to think I claim to know what (or who) is better for you than you do. I’m just a coward.  I will say this, though. If you want to know…if you want to know what I carry around in my heart for you every single day…please ask me.

Meet me halfway, Pam. Ask me how I feel about you and I know I can find the courage to tell you. If you can’t do that, I hope you can pretend that you never read this.

Love,

Jim

She read the card. She read it twice, feeling the weight of his words now held captive in her hands. His uncertainty, his fear and above all…his hope were all laid out before her in his perfectly slanted script. When she finally looked up at him, she saw the very same emotions reflecting directly back at her through a pair of expectant green eyes. A bundle of clichés, she didn’t know whether to laugh with joy for the possibilities that he had just presented her, or cry for the wasted opportunities and years of misspent energy.

She gently closed the card and pressed it to her chest. “This was supposed to be in….in the….”

“With your teapot…yeah.  I took it back.”

“Obviously.”  She turned the card over in her hands again, contemplating the worn edges and the dog-eared corners, wondering how often he had done the same…how often he had kicked himself for not letting his original impulses play out…for better or for worse. “So, why are you giving it to me now?”

“I guess it’s more of an explanation more than anything else. When I…when I told you….” He tilted his head toward the spot…toward their spot. “When I told you that I was in love with you, that wasn’t out of the blue for me.  It was something I had carried around with me for a long time.” He emphasized those last two words and she felt his burden.  “You can see that there in the card.”

“Yeah.”

“I guess that for me, I had lived with this thing for so long I was sort of blinded. I didn’t realize that for you, it was a complete surprise. I wrestled with my feelings so often that everything I did…everything we did was colored with them. I looked for signs and signals…I analyzed everything. And then I didn’t give you a chance to wrestle with what you needed to deal with. I learned that from your letters…it just took a while. So, I guess I’m giving you the card to help explain why I left and why I came back the way I did.”

All of this was so foreign to her…Jim telling her how he felt, so openly. He wasn’t blowing it off with a joke, or using his eyes to prompt her to guess what he was feeling. Just hearing him say, “…when I told you that I was in love with you” as a fact, for the first time really acknowledging what had happened between them, made her stomach tighten and twist in a wonderful, tingly way.  His openness was so new to her, but at the same time, his words were familiar…comforting.

“Can I keep it?”

“Definitely. I don’t need it anymore.”

“So. How do you feel?”

He shifted on his feet, tilted his head up to the sky. “Better, I guess. I’m glad I’ve finally got it out in the open.”

“No, you idiot…how do you feel about me? Like in the card. I’m asking you. You said I should ask you how you feel about me and I’m guess what I’m wondering is if anything has changed.”

“Oh, that.” He was smiling now…a giant, lopsided goofy grin covering his face. “Nope. Despite the fact that you just called me an idiot, I am still in love with you.”

Now she was the one smiling. “Good. Because now that I’ve had some time…probably too much time…to think about it, I can honestly say that I’m in love with you too.”  As she spoke, she could have sworn she saw a soft rustle of periwinkle satin and the glint of a single tear fading into oblivion on the other side of the parking lot.  “And I have to say, that your fan letter? Your letters? Are the best ones I’ve ever gotten.”

“Is that a fact, Beesly?”

“Oh absolutely. I think compared to some of my other admirers you just may be my biggest fan.”

“Always.”  The smokiness of his voice caressed her and she wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around him and lose herself in his kiss, but she wanted to be somewhere else when that happened. She longed for the light and for warmth instead of the concrete hardness of this asphalt night.

“That’s good to know. Hey. It’s getting cold. Do you want to come over and see some of my other fan letters? I can make coffee?”

“I can’t think of anything I’d like more. Can I follow you in my car?”

She led the way, her headlights illuminating the path before them.

They left the parking lot in the darkness behind them.