Disclaimer: this chapter deals with a touchy subject for some people (the morning after-pill or EC, whatever you want to call it). If you are offended by what Pam decides to do I apologize, I'm just trying to demonstrate the sort of things that really happen in college and just in everyday life.
They celebrated their one year anniversary and left for the summer. In the fall Jim had taken Michael’s old job, Senior Resident Advisor. He was finally living the good life on the fifth floor and it didn’t hurt that Pam’s room was just several doors down.
It was November and things couldn’t get any better. He was kissing her and gliding through the air above her moaning her name against her lips. She loved him so much, but then he stopped. Was he done? His mouth was motionless against hers. He was still above her and his hands went limp. She opened her eyes and his eyes were big and staring straight through her.
“What’s wrong?” She whispered.
“It broke,” he said in a daze.
“What?” She asked noticeably louder.
“It broke.”
Her eyes went wide and she was speechless, but then she went into panic mode. She pushed up hard on his chest. “Why are you still lying there? Get off!”
He rolled over and covered his hands with his face. She jumped out of the bed and reached for her shirt. “Did you come?” Normally she was embarrassed to say that, but there wasn’t time to be embarrassed now.
He nodded his head into his hands.
“Really Jim, you didn’t know it broke until after?”
He turned to face her for the first time since she pushed him off of her. “I swear I didn’t know.”
She stared at him blankly before putting on her pants and running out of his room towards her own room, leaving most of her clothes behind on the floor.
She swung the door open and grabbed her towel. It was stupid and deep down she knew it wouldn’t actually help, but she scrubbed her whole body. The water was so hot that it almost felt cold. She let out a little sob that wasn’t so little and it echoed through the empty showers and she hoped Jim didn’t hear. She braced herself against the wall with a hand. The water poured over her face and every few seconds she would gasp for a breath. It was that crying that made you hyperventilate, and the harder you fought it, the harder it was to stop. She wiped the water off her face and the ring felt like it was burning her cheek.
She rushed back to her room and buried her face in her pillow. She steadied her breathing and she pushed all of these feelings back down because she could be strong. Things would be okay. It wouldn’t be the end of the world. There was a knock at the door and she knew it was him. She thought about ignoring it, but she knew he would just keep knocking until she answered. She cracked the door and moved back to sit on the bed. He stayed next to the door, leaning against it. He wrung his hands together.
“I’m so sorry,” he said lifting his head and he was almost on the verge of tears.
And she couldn’t be angry at him, not with those eyes.
“I know. It’s not your fault.”
He wiped his eyes, wiping the tears away. He moved away from the door and sat next to her on the bed. His arm moved across hers and he was afraid that she might pull away.
“What are we going to do?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I still have to think about it.”
“OK, just let me know what you decide.”
“Yeah. I think I’m going to go to bed now, but I’ll see in the morning.”
“Yeah, me too.”
She didn’t sleep that night. She kept thinking ‘What an idiot. What kind of girl isn’t on the pill? Should I keep it? Is there even an “it”?’
In the middle of the night she got up and searched unprotected sex, because technically that’s what it was. Most of the things that popped weren’t very relevant. She wasn’t worried about STDs or STIs... or whatever they called them now. Then half way down the page she saw it; Birth Control Options After Unprotected Sex. She let her mouse hover over the link for a minute before clicking.
She read the page nine times and that’s what she would do, she would go to the health center in the morning and get the morning after pill. She went over to Jim’s and knocked lightly. If he was awake he would hear it.
The door opened a moment later and he looked so tired.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” he said running a hand through his hair.
“I’ve decided what I want to do.”
His eyes dropped down to her hands and he took a hold of one and she walked in the room.
“In the morning I’m going to go to the clinic and get the morning after pill.”
“Do you want me to go with you?”
“No. I think I’ll be okay.”
“Oh. How are you doing... with all of this?”
“Fine,” she said a little too calmly for his liking.
He looked like shit and he couldn’t stop thinking about this and she says ‘fine.’ But maybe he was just overreacting and things were fine.
She went back over to her room and pretended to sleep for four more hours. She looked up the hours for the clinic. They didn’t open till 9 and it was only 8. She couldn’t stay in this room any longer, she felt like the walls were closing in on her. She put on her running shoes and she went out into the biting cold of November and ran. No music, no thoughts, just the sound of her feet connecting with the gravel.
She walked backed home and this time there was nothing but thoughts, she stopped in front of Jim’s room and almost knocked. No, she would do this one alone. She walked into the building and looked carefully at the directory, because asking the pimply freshman sitting at the information desk for the women’s clinic floor and room number was not at the top of her list of things to do.
She was glad that she was the only one in the office this early. It made the situation less awkward. She signed in and quickly scribbled the reason for the visit and then she waited for someone to call her back up to the counter.
“Pam Beesly,” the voice called.
She walked back up to the counter and leaned down to speak into the little opening in the window. “That’s me.”
“When did you last have unprotected sex?”
“Last night.”
“A nurse will call you back in a moment.”
Pam hated pelvic exams, not that she could imagine anyone liking them. The lady took her blood first. Then she made her pee in a stupid plastic cup. “You’ll want to come back in 6 months and get tested again.” She said as she swabbed the inside of her mouth.
When the doctor came in he sat in front of her on his little stool. “What are we doing here today...” he looked at his chart for her name, “Pam?”
“I need to get the morning after pill.”
“You had unprotected sex?”
“Last night. The condom broke.”
He didn’t say anything, just took a few notes on his chart. “Alright, lay back and place your feet in the stirrups.”
Pam was really glad Jim didn’t come for this.
When she finished the doctor told her that the lady in the front would take care of the rest.
“Sign here,” the lady pushed another clipboard through the opening. “I’ll also need to see your ID and it’ll be $30 for the pills.”
Pam signed the paper and the lady turned around and made a copy of her ID and came back with a box.
“There are two pills in here. Take them both at the same time within the next 48 hours.”
“Is that it?” Pam asked sliding her money through the window.
“Yeah, just follow the directions on the back.”
When she got back Jim was stationed outside of her door.
“How’d it go?”
“Fine.”
“Fine?” He sounded a little annoyed.
She nodded her head and opened the door. He followed her in.
“What’d they say?”
“Just to take them and that was it.”
“Are you going to take them now?”
“I’ll probably wait awhile.”
“Can we talk about this?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“How about you start with how you feel about this? Are you even upset?”
She shrugged her shoulders.
“So this is just whatever for you?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say?”
“I want you to be upset!” He yelled. “It’s okay to be numb, but you’re not. You’re just nonchalant about the whole thing? Do you even care?”
“Would it make you feel better if I cried? Because I already did that and it didn’t help anyone?” She spat.
“Maybe we need to take a break.” He regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth.
“Get out.”
“I didn’t mean it.”
“Get out,” she yelled again. She walked to the door and opened it for him. And she could feel the tears in her eyes and she didn’t hide them. “Now!”
He walked out before people came out of their room to see what was going on. “Pam,” he said before she slammed the door in his face.
Then he heard the sob from inside of her room and he thought he might throw up. He tapped on the door and her cries stopped or she covered them up. “Pam?”
He knew it was annoying, but he stood there for an hour just tapping on the door. The noise in the room had subsided and he wasn’t sure if she was even awake. “Pam?” He asked one last time.
“Please go away,” she finally said. He could hear it her voice, she was still crying.
“I’m sorry. Please open the door.”
He waited for something, anything, but she didn’t say anything, he didn’t hear anything, and he gave up.
Pam was leaning against the door silently crying. She thought eventually the tears would run out, but they didn’t. They were literally just pouring out of her eyes. She finally heard him stand up and she got up too. She looked down at the ring and it did feel like it was burning her skin again, but there was no searing hot water this time. And she pulled it off her finger for the first time in 8 months. She spun it on the desk but it didn’t spin well and she was sort of afraid to put it away. That her pocket would swallow it whole if she dared to shove it in there. She placed it on her desk for now. She went over to her bed and she laid down. She wasn’t sure how long she slept, but she was starving when she woke up. She walked over to the door and cracked it open. No Jim. She hurried and grabbed her purse and ran towards the stairwell before he could see her.
She should have looked in the mirror before running out of her room. She probably looked like death. She wasn’t sure where she was going. She just needed food and she didn’t want to chance seeing anyone she knew.
She drove until she figured she was out of normal walking range from Dunder Hall. There was a little restaurant off the side of the road, and really here was as good as anywhere. She walked in and no one stared at her, so her eyes must not be bloodshot.
“How many?” The waitress asked.
“Just one.” Uh, and she hated saying that. Just one.
When the waitress came back Pam ordered enough food for two. She thought that was ironic because this all started with the possibility of her being pregnant and now she was eating for two.
When she was done with the food she wasn’t sure how she was able to put that much food in her stomach. Talk about stress eating.
Jim sat in his room beating himself up. He wasn’t sure why he said it. Maybe it was to get a reaction out of her, to know that she was still capable of any emotion, and if it was then mission accomplished. He thought about going downstairs and grabbing the master key and just walking right into her room. What would she do, yell at him? She already did that once, so that wouldn’t be too bad. So he went downstairs grabbed the key and took the stairs two at a time back up.
He knocked first, “Pam, I’m coming in.” Nothing.
He put the key in the door and turned the handle. He pushed the door slowly open, but she wasn’t there. Out of the corner of his eye he caught the gleam of the ring on the desk. What had he done? He picked it up.
He sunk to the floor clutching the ring in his hand. He pulled out his phone and called her. A second later he heard the gentle buzz of her phone vibrating across her dresser. So he waited, two hours and still no Pam. He called Kelly, but she didn’t pick up. Finally he thought sitting alone in Pam’s room had really moved him to a new level of creepiness. She had to come back eventually, but he could wait like a normal person in his own room.
It was late when she got back. She spent more than half the day just walking around town after she ate. She didn’t worry about running into Jim this time. She assumed he was either in bed or sitting in front of her door. He wasn’t in front of the door. She flicked on a light and saw that stupid box with the pills inside of it. She should probably take those now. She grabbed a water bottle and drank them both down. She got ready for bed and was surprised how tired she was when her head hit the pillow.
She sat straight up in bed in the middle of the night. She was going to throw up. She jumped out of bed not caring enough to put on shoes. She ran to the bathroom and leaned down in front of the toilet. She didn’t know how long she had been throwing up, but it felt like forever. She stood up and wiped her mouth with some tissue before splashing water on her face. She only made it halfway down the hallway before she was running back to the bathroom. ‘What a great way to cap off the night,’ she thought.
She heard someone enter the bathroom. She closed the stall door. Whoever it was would probably just think that she had too much to drink and would leave her alone. She heaved over the toilet and heard the door to her stall creak open and then there were hands on her shoulders, then on her hair pulling it back of her neck. Then the person was sitting next to her rubbing her back and she knew those hands, Jim’s, and they were so cold and they felt so nice against her hot skin.
He didn’t say anything, just sat quietly next to her on the cold bathroom floor holding her hair. And this was why she loved him, because sometimes he just knew when she needed him, even at 4 in the morning.
Author's Chapter Notes:
We travel far into the future, okay, not that far.
Chapter End Notes:
Next chapter Jim and Pam still have a lot of stuff to work through. I probably won't be able to post again until Friday, but I'll try my hardest to make it worth the wait.
