Two thoughts ran through his mind as he rode down in the elevator: “She kissed me back.” And “She’s still going to marry him.” He punched the ‘G’ button so forcefully that he felt the hard plastic casing give way and when he removed his thumb he saw the small hairline crack. The doors closed and he paced around the small space like a caged animal. For the first time in his life he was spoiling for a fight. He felt acidic bile catch his throat on fire and he swallowed a few times to try and take the sting out of it. He prayed that he would learn to hate her but knew that now he could do nothing but give into the hurt. Sure he could squash it down in his gut for a couple of days, maybe even for longer but it would start to leak out and it would be blacker for having been hidden in the first place. He caught his shoulder hard on the door of the elevator as he rushed out and knew that it would leave a bruise. He would add it to the others he had sustained that night.
The parking lot was empty apart from his car and one other. His decision to limit himself to one drink that night seemed wise in retrospect; but he doubted that anything would have stopped him climbing into his car and racing out of there. He wanted to be gone by the time she left the building. He wanted to be gone before he could see again what couldn’t be. The hurt swelled inside his chest and he swallowed down deep breaths, not sure if he could take in enough air to fill the void left by her blow. He was pathetic. He watched her be in love with another man for years and had said nothing and now that he had, it was too late. Or maybe he had it wrong; maybe her answer would always have been “I can’t”. Maybe he had her wrong.
He backed up and worked the wheel around to the left; as he pressed down hard on the gas pedal he felt something skid under the front tyres.
“Fuck!” He kicked against the break pedal and stopped the car. He looked towards the entrance of the building but there was no sign of her still. He was on the ground trying to see what had become caught under the car when he heard someone behind him.
“Sorry, that’s mine.”
“What?” He turned.
“I said that’s mine.”
“Jan? I thought you’d left already?” Sighing heavily, he wondered what the hell he had done wrong in a previous life to deserve this night.
“I did. But then I drove around for a while and then had this crazy thought that if I came back it would make a difference.”
“That what would make a difference?”
“It’s not important. It’s nothing…it’s just a whole lot of nothing.”
“Great. So do you mind telling me what’s under my car?” He tried to keep his voice level but he knew that he was half yelling at her. She appeared not to have noticed.
“A painting of the Eifel Tower.”
“Why would you, oh never mind.”
“It was a gift for Michael and now it’s ruined. If it weren’t so tragic it would be poetic.”
“Why did you throw it into the middle of the car park?” He squatted back down and grabbed at the edge of the wooden frame and cursed loudly when it broke in his hand jamming a sliver of wood into his palm.
“Oh shit, you’re bleeding.”
“Really, I hadn’t noticed!” He pulled the wood from his hand and with detached interest watched the blood start to spill from the ragged cut. He wiped his hand against the thigh of one of his pant legs and went back to trying to remove the broken frame.
“Jim, don’t do that. You’ll get cut again.”
“I’m fine.” His voice had an edge of panic to it as he glanced again at the door to check that she wasn’t there.
“No you’re not. Look, let me help.”
“For fu… Christ’s sakes Jan, the thing is wedged. Look, I’m going to have to try and back up or something.” He barely had his temper under control but the realization that he was talking to his bosses’ boss filtered through and so he checked his language.
“I’m sorry. It’s been a rough night.”
“Tell me about it. Actually, you know what, don’t tell me.”
“Are you okay Jim?”
He ignored her and climbed back to his feet. His injured hand slid against the door handle as he tried to grip it and he felt sick when a little of the cold metal seemed to disappear into the wound. He backed the car up and then steered around the destroyed painting. He stopped the car again and reached over to search around in the glove box for something to help stem the blood but found nothing except CDs and an old air freshener.
“Can I grab a ride with you?” Jan said as she swung open the passenger side door and sat down beside him, clutching her overnight bag to her lap.
It wasn’t a question. “I don’t believe this.” He whispered looking down at steering wheel; afraid to look up in case Pam was there.
“Look Jim, I’m in a vulnerable state right now and I’ve had way too much to drink to drive myself all the way back to New York. I just need a ride to the nearest hotel.”
“It’s just that I don’t really have time for this okay?”
“Look, just drop me off at any hotel on your way to wherever it is that you’re going. You’ll be doing me a really big favour.”
“Fine.”
“So, did you speak to anyone yet about the transfer?”
“No.” His breath caught as he saw Pam at the entrance to the building in his rear view mirror. He pulled out onto the street and didn’t look back.
“Do you mind if I smoke?” Jan said whilst lighting up a cigarette.
“I guess not.” Jim cranked open his window and let the late night breeze cut through the stale air inside the car. He tried to think where the nearest hotel was but he couldn’t get a fix in his mind; hell he could barely remember the route home he was so lost.
“God, why do I do this to myself Jim? Why do I leave myself open to hurt?”
“Um, I’m not sure that I…”
“Men are bastards Jim. Bastards!” She breathed out noisily and then picked a strand of tobacco off her tongue. It made him feel sick.
“I’m sure that you and Michael can um…fix whatever it is that happened tonight.”
“It’s complicated, so very complicated.”
“Okay.” He hoped that his reticence would shut her up but she carried on talking and he gripped the wheel harder; biting the inside of his cheek at the pain.
“Oh my God. Your hand!” He watched out the corner of his eye as she rummaged around in her bag and pulled out something red and silky.
“Pull over, let me try and…”
“Jan, its fine honestly; I’ll get you to a hotel and go home and take care of it.”
“Just pull over okay.” The genuine concern in her voice penetrated and he flipped his indictor on and pulled to a stop. She wrapped the soft material around his hand and searched through her purse to find some tissues. He tried his best to clean up some of the blood that had run down his arm.
“Look, I know I’m your boss Jim and I don’t want to pry, but you don’t seem like yourself and well if you want to talk about it. I’m a good listener.”
“It’s nothing. Thanks for the offer though.”
“Does it have something to do with Pam?”
“What? No!”
“It’s just that I saw the way you two were tonight and well it looked like something was going on and…”
“Pam’s engaged.”
“I know, but it’s just that you two seem close and well I guess I thought that maybe you were more than that.”
“No. We’re not.”
“Did you want to be?”
“Jan, with all due respect, this is none of your business.”
“I’ll take that as a yes then.”
“Look, I really don’t want to talk about it because there’s nothing to talk about.”
“Is Pam the reason you’re transferring?”
“Jan, I’m really not going to have this conversation okay; it’s nothing personal against you, but it’s my business.”
“Jim, I’m supporting your transfer because you convinced me that you wanted to move on and that you’re committed to being in Stamford. But if you’re just moving there to avoid a personal issue, then this puts a different complexion on things. You should know that you have a very bright future ahead of you with Dunder Mifflin but I need to know that you are serious about the position because if you’re not…”
“Jan, I want the job and I am committed to Stamford. I need this okay.” He was disgusted at the desperation he could hear clearly in his voice.
“Okay. What a night huh?” She laughed and rested back into her seat as he moved away from the curb and rejoined the steady stream of traffic.
“Yeah.”
“Do you want a drink?”
“I really don’t have time to stop somewhere Jan.”
“No. I mean, I have some with me.” She pulled a three-quarter full bottle of Jack Daniels from her bag and offered him a drink.
“I’m driving.”
“I won’t tell if you don’t.” She smiled and took a drink and held her hand to her chest as if to ease the burn.
Jim took the bottle and took a long drink; he hated Jack Daniels. He had another. Twenty minutes later he pulled off the road and into the parking lot of the Radisson Lackawanna Station Hotel. He killed the lights but left the radio playing. Resting his head back he closed his eyes and allowed the effects of the alcohol to settle within him.
When she asked him if he wanted to come inside for a drink he nodded. It wasn’t a conscious decision. It felt like the only option; like it was all there was. He lingered in the background as she booked in and followed her without saying a word into the elevator and up to the fifth floor.
Once inside, she told him to make himself comfortable and then disappeared into the bathroom. Jim wandered around the room, not wanting to be still. He drank some more and wondered how the hell he had ended up there. He stared at the door and knew that he should make his excuses and leave.
“I found us some glasses.” Jan said holding aloft two plastic cups that she had found in the bathroom. “Beggars can’t be choosers right?”
He tried not to notice the fact that she’d undone another button on her shirt. When she placed the cups down on the side table, he could see the top of her flesh-coloured bra and he turned away.
“So, what shall we drink to?” She asked holding out a cup.
He took it and wondered what size measure it contained - a treble at the very least. He wasn’t listening as she made her toast; instead he enjoyed the feel of the cool liquid as it glided down his throat and welcomed the numbness when it came. He sat down on the edge of the bed and apologized when he saw that some of his blood had stained the beige duvet cover. He emptied his cup and accepted another. This time he didn’t stop to consider how much he was drinking.
He barely looked up when she knelt down in front of him and took his empty cup. He couldn’t focus properly on her hands and arms as she moved between his legs and ran her hands up to his belt. He placed his good hand over hers and tried to tell her ‘no’ but the words wouldn’t come and later when she took him in her mouth, he said nothing.
Later...
As he drove home he almost willed himself to crash. It would be the end of it. There would be no more pain and no more room for misinterpretation. He gripped the steering wheel and saw that his hands were shaking and he felt the tears slide down his face.
And he hated her then.
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter End Notes:
This story kind of wrote itself and so the concluding part is up now.
If you want to leave a review then great. If not, then thanks for reading!
If you want to leave a review then great. If not, then thanks for reading!
