"Mom, I'm worried about talking to Roy. I'm scared."
"You're going to have to do it sooner or later, aren't you? The sooner, the better," Mrs. Beesly said, her arm wrapped around Pam's shoulder as they headed down to the lounge of the Hampton Inn that she was staying at. Mrs. Beesly had called Roy and asked him to meet them there so they could talk. She didn't mention anything about Pam's second thoughts; Pam had to do that for herself.
"I know, but how -- why..." She clenched her teeth. "Why is this happening two days before my wedding? How did I let this get so out of hand? Why couldn't I have decided this earlier?"
"Sometimes that's just the way it happens. You were probably just denying your feelings for so long, it was easy to avoid the truth. Until you couldn't anymore."
"Yeah," Pam said as they sat down at the table. She thought about that for a minute: how she was jealous when Jim first starting dating Katy (and then secretly happy when they broke up), how the office felt so empty without him there, how he was so fun to be around, how she found herself drawn to him when they were together, how his smile just made her happy and that smoldering look he gave her that night he told her he loved her -- how that gave her a rush that ran throughout her body and made her stomach jump.
It was the same look he'd given her that night that Roy set the date -- on the Booze Cruise. She had been afraid he'd try to kiss her that night. He had that way of licking his lips when he wanted to say something important ... he'd done it twice that night. When he did that, she remembered suddenly feeling like she wanted to kiss him -- passionately, feel his moist, tender lips against hers. Feel his strong, but slender arms wrap around her and hold her tightly while he whispered affections into her ear.
Pam was not looking forward to this conversation with Roy. In fact, he was the last person in the world that she wanted to see right now.
"Will you order me a vodka-cranberry, Mom?" she said. She had to escape for a minute. The thought of talking to Roy was suffocating. How was she going to explain it? He was going to hate her. Was she really prepared to do this? She could already imagine his response:
'Is this about Halpert? That asshole? He's nothing, Pam. He's nothing. You're giving up a 10 year relationship for that twerp?'
Just imagining the conversation was making her angry as she escaped to the bathroom. She splashed her face with cold water, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Why did Jim like her? she wondered. She was dowdy-looking, in her striped button-down shirt, gray skirt and yellow cardigan. She had her hair in the usual hairstyle, pulled back with a barrette. She just as easily could have been mistaken as a librarian. She was boring. Roy was always making comments about how she should dress sexier.
Jim never made any lewd comments. He just seemed to like her for who she was. He loved her. He understood her, too, which is more than she could say for Roy. Roy couldn't even tell her what her favorites were. Jim probably knew every one of them.
There was no question in her mind what she had to do. She steeled her spine in front of the mirror. This was still going to be the hardest thing she had ever done.
Pam felt her hands shaking as she left the bathroom.
When she sat back down again, Roy still hadn't arrived. Roy really liked Pam's mom. It always seemed like he was sucking up to her; bringing her out to her favorite restaurants, taking her shopping when she was in town ... (Roy never took Pam shopping by herself.)
Pam sucked down half the drink in one gulp. Nothing like a bit of liquid courage.
"Are you ready to do this?" her mom asked, touching Pam's arm.
Pam grimaced. "I don't know that I'll ever be ready."
---
"This is one of my favorite movies," Jim said to Janice. They were watching Walk the Line (the Johnny Cash biopic) on Jim's laptop. The in-flight movie ended up being House of Wax, a bad movie Jim had already seen once and didn't need to see again. Janice wasn't a fan of horror movies.
"Me, too," Janice said. "I haven't met anyone who thought this was a bad movie."
"I have," Jim said. Roy. Pam liked the movie, though. She said that Roy wouldn't sit through it - that he didn't like country music and didn't want to watch a movie about a country singer. So Jim made her bring the movie over one night when Roy had other plans, and they watched it together. He remembered a couple moments throughout the movie when Pam became uncomfortable sitting next to him, and got up to go to the bathroom, or get a drink. One of them was when Johnny Cash decided to get divorced from his first wife.
Maybe she was seeing too much of her own future in that scene.
Jim sighed quietly, leaning back in his seat.
"Well, whoever they were, they must not have very good taste in movies," Janice said. Jim had to think for a moment before he figured out what she was talking about.
"Yeah, he doesn't." Jim smirked at Janice.
---
When Roy came to meet them at the Hampton Inn Lounge, he was wearing a red sweater with a button-down underneath and dark jeans. His face looked freshly scrubbed.
Instead of being pleased by this, it only made Pam angry. Kiss-up.
Roy went to kiss her, but she turned her head so he only grazed her cheek. Roy took a step back when she did that and looked surprised. "What's up, babe? Something wrong?"
Pam didn't respond to that, but stared at his face. He looked completely clueless.
She must have been staring at him for a while, because he said, "What? What are you looking at? Do I have something on my face?"
Pam shook her head. She opened her mouth, but closed it again right away. She felt like her vocal chords had just been ripped out. Her throat burned.
"Um, why don't we all sit down," Pam's mom said, gesturing to the seats around the table. "I'll order you a drink."
Pam sat there, staring straight ahead, unfocused. She had no idea how she was going to do this.
After the cocktail waitress had delivered Roy's drink and left, Pam's mom looked over at Pam. She tilted her head and raised her eyebrows.
"So, what's going on?" Roy asked, looking between the two of them. "You guys are acting really weird. You're not trying to call off the wedding, are you?"
Pam's eyes grew wide. "Um..." was all she got out before she burst into tears for the second time that day.
Roy quickly looked back and forth again. "What? Are you? Are you calling off the wedding?"
Pam's mom looked at Roy. "I'm sorry, Roy," she said.
"What?" Roy said. "I can't ... you can't ... why?"
"I..." Pam looked up at him, tears running down her face. Words would not come out. "I... can't. I can't. It's... I just can't, Roy."
"Why are you doing this, Pam?" Roy asked. The reality was finally starting to sink in. The disbelief was turning into anger. "What the hell are you thinking? It's two fucking days before the wedding, Pam. Two days. You think you would have realized this sooner, Pam. I mean, what the hell? And why? You've been begging for this for the past three years!"
"Four," Pam said quietly.
"Four - whatever, it doesn't fucking matter, what the hell. I can't believe you're doing this now. You have a lot of nerve, Pam."
Pam swallowed hard, and mustered up the strength to look Roy in the eye. "I don't ... love you anymore, Roy."
Roy seemed floored by this. "Does this have anything to do with Halpert?" he asked.
"What do you think, Roy?" Pam asked, looking at him defiantly. She was starting to get angry now, too. Now that she could openly admit her true feelings, a lot of frustrations she'd kept bottled up for so many years were finally coming to surface.
"What do I think? I think it has everything to do with him -- the way he's always hanging over your desk, and touching your arm, and standing next to you, and cracking stupid jokes -- I should have seen it coming -- he was horning in on you all along. He never stopped having a crush on you and now it's his fucking fault that we're not getting married..."
"Shut up, Roy, just ... shut the fuck up." Pam clapped her hand over her mouth and looked down. She'd never sworn in front of her mother before. When she looked over at her mom, her mom wasn't looking at her, though. She was staring at Roy, who had his hands in his head.
"I just... I just don't understand, Pam. Why do you wait until the wedding is two days away? We put deposits down on everything. If you'd figured your shit out earlier, we wouldn't be in this position --"
"Yeah, Roy, you're exactly right. Because it's all about the money we're going to lose by canceling this, right? Because it's always about money with you, isn't it?" Roy glared at her, but she ignored it. "Did it ever occur to you that I struggled with this for a long time? That I do love you, Roy, but I'm not in love with you anymore. That I was afraid of hurting you. That I felt like, yeah, it has been ten years of my life and I didn't want to make the wrong decision, but even as it became more obvious that it wasn't going to work, it became that much harder to call it off."
"Really, Pam."
"I couldn't even admit to myself until yesterday that I didn't want to do this! I mean, Roy, you have... no idea how hard this is for me."
"I'm sure it is, Pam," Roy said, shoving the chair back so hard, it fell backwards. He stood up. "Why don't you just go to your stupid office lover? Have a nice life, okay? I want your shit out of our apartment by the end of the weekend."
Pam started crying again, her entire body shaking with the sobs. "Roy... I'm so sorry, I never meant it to end this way... I'm sorry..."
"I'm not calling anyone, either. You can fucking call everyone and tell them what you did." With that, Roy stormed out of the lounge.
Pam watched him go, speechless. "What did I just do?" she said. "Oh, my God." Every part of her body was shaking. Still, she felt like the heaviest weight in the world had just been lifted off her shoulders. She looked at her mom, and felt her lower lip start to quiver. "Mom..."
Mrs. Beesly stood up, holding her arms out. "Come on. We'll bring you upstairs. I'll get your aunts together and we can make those phone calls for you tomorrow. I may need some of your coworkers' numbers, though." She dropped some money onto the table and they walked out of the lounge.
Pam sniffed as they headed into the lobby. "Don't worry, Mom. As soon as you tell Michael, the entire office will know it's off. Word spreads like wildfire around there."
---
Pam slept horribly that night. It was the first time in years that she'd slept alone, and it felt weird.
She couldn't stop thinking about everything. How Roy had gotten so upset - but still - his responses had felt hollow to her. She wondered whether he had ever really wanted to get married, or if he was just doing it to appease her. She couldn't stop thinking about when Jim told her that Roy had said their first engagement "wasn't real." Maybe that was why Roy hadn't fought her decision. Maybe that was why he didn't get down on the floor and beg for her to change her mind. Maybe he hadn't wanted to get married either.
She thought about what he said, "If you'd figured out your shit earlier, we wouldn't be in this mess..."
He made it sound almost as though he'd known she was unhappy. Almost as though he had expected her to call off the wedding.
She shifted positions in the uncomfortable hotel bed. And now... now she was going to spend tomorrow having to pack up the apartment. What was she going to take? After ten years together, she wasn't even sure what was hers and what was his anymore. What if Roy was around when she got there? He was supposed to have Friday off to get ready for the wedding. He wouldn't be there, would he?
Pam wondered if she should call someone to go to the apartment with her. Who would she call, though? She really didn't have any friends outside of work ...
She kept asking herself if she had done the right thing. Every time she asked herself that question, though, she saw Jim, that night in the office -- after hours, taking her in his arms and gently touching his lips to hers. Putting everything on the line because he loved her and only her.
And now he was in Australia because of her. He was transferring to Stamford because of her. Everything he did - everything was for or because of her.
Why had she denied it for so long?
---
"Every time Pam is gone, I have to fill in on reception," Ryan Howard, the temp, explained to the camera. "Which really isn't that big of a deal except that Michael finds a lot more excuses to talk to me when I'm here. And he's always staring at me." The camera turned to show Michael staring through the window of his office. "I'm pretty used to that by now, actually. It's more about the little comments that get me."
"Ryan!" Michael came bounding up to reception. "Office Hottie Dundie Award-Winner! Lookin' good today, Ry."
"Uh, thanks?" Ryan looked at the camera as if to say, 'See?'
"What did you do with that award, anyway?"
"Um, I don't know," Ryan said.
Michael smiled. "I know it's not in your desk -- I checked! Hope you brought it home and put it on the 'ol mantle."
"Yeah, that's probably what happened," Ryan mumbled. The phone rang, and he grabbed the line like it was a life rope. "Dunder Mifflin, this is Ryan ... Yes, he is. Just a moment."
Ryan paused for a moment, then said: "Michael, it's for you. It's Pam's mom."
"I'll get it in my office!"
---
Michael wondered why Pam's mother would be calling him. She was a MILF -- that stood for "Mother I'd Like to..." -- well, Michael explained that he couldn't translate it fully on television without use of the bleep button. "She's a fox, though," he said as he pressed the speakerphone button.
"Excuse me?" Mrs. Beesly said at the other end of the line.
"Erm, nothing ... how can I help you today?"
"Well, Pam said that I should call you and that you'd be kind enough to let everyone in the office know -- her wedding has been called off."
"Her wedding was called off?" Michael stared at the camera, which had followed him into his office. "Wow. Awkward. What happened?"
"Um..." There was a long pause at the other end. "I think it would probably be better if Pam explained when she gets back. I just want to make sure that everyone that Pam invited from the office knows about it."
"No problemo, Mrs. B. I just... wow. That's going to make things reeeeeally awkward around here, won't it?"
"I don't know, I suppose --"
"I mean, you know, with Pam and Roy working in the same building -- Pam's not quitting, is she?"
"Not that I know of..."
"Yeah, because we just lost Jim this week - funny, too, because I'm sure he took the transfer because of Pam getting married. Isn't it ironic? Hah, Alanis Morrisette said that. She's a great singer. Do you know her work?"
"Um, yeah, Michael, I appreciate all your help with this, but I really have a lot of other phone calls to make."
"Of course, of course. I understand how hard this can be, so if there's anything I can do for you -- or for Pam -- or for both of you -- well, don't hesitate to let me know!"
"Absolutely, thank you."
Michael hung up the phone, giving the camera another wide-eyed expression. "Wow," he said again. "I guess I was right about that whole 'underground office romance' that Jim and Pam were having. Roy must have found out..."
He immediately got up and walked to reception. "Pam--" he started to say, but cracked up. "Just kidding, haha, you're like Pam -- sitting there. Except, you know, you're more attractive -- but, you know, in a manly way, not in a feminine way, you know--"
Ryan looked up at Michael. "Um, okay." He really didn't know what to say sometimes. Usually. All the time.
"Look, I need you to put together a company memo -- I assume that Pam invited everyone here, so, you know -- Pam's wedding is off. Her mom asked me to make sure that everyone here knew about it." He leaned over the counter, eyeing Ryan conspiratorially, "I think Roy found out about her and Jim..."
"I didn't think Pam was dating Jim," Ryan said.
"They were on the down-low," Michael said, winking.
Ryan nodded, looking back and forth between Michael and the camera.
---
Within five minutes, everyone in the office knew that Pam's wedding was off and that Pam and Jim were (supposedly) dating. Ryan was still trying to type up the memo that Michael had told him to write.
---
"Man. I'm really bummed out that Pam cancelled the wedding. This totally could have been our big break." Kevin sat in the Truth Booth, slumped over in his chair. "I'm wearing our shirt today, too," he said, opening his dress shirt to reveal another (or the same?) Scrantonicity shirt underneath. "We were going to practice after work today."
---
"I can't say I'm really surprised that Jim's the reason Pam isn't getting married," Angela said, frowning. "Everyone in the office knew they were involved. They don't know how to keep their romantic feelings to themselves. You can't allow romance during work. It disrupts your productivity."
---
The camera zoomed in on an e-mail screen, open on Dwight's computer.
It was addressed to angela@dunder-mifflin.com.
All the e-mail said was: "Meeting about sales financials tonight? Bring cookies?"
---
Pam arrived at her apartment around 10 AM. When she got there, much to her relief, Roy's truck was gone. She made the decision to only pack up things that were hers -- shoes, clothes, make-up ... she also had a shoe box she stored on the top shelf of the front closet. She kept it up in an area that Roy never got into - by the vacuum cleaner bags and dusters. (He never touched that stuff.)
That was the first place she went to when she walked in the door. She pulled the box down and opened it up. Inside were a number of things that would be considered insignificant to anyone else, Roy included, but right now meant the world to her.
She pulled out the photocopied picture from Jim's high school yearbook. Two hot sauce packets. One of the fake medals she'd made out of paper clips and an old yogurt lid. A post-it note that just said, "Nice costume! Meow!" with the last word underlined twice. A tube of Super Glue. A dried bunch of lilac. A golf pencil. Among many, many other little items. Mementos from the office.
She had brought them all home because she didn't want the cleaning people finding them and thinking they were garbage. She also didn't Roy questioning what they were. He already thought she was a little weird, and anything (joke or not) involving Jim always made him jealous. So she'd hidden it in the closet. Now it was one of the only things she wanted to bring with her from this place.
She sighed heavily, looking at the box. She wanted to call Jim so badly and tell him everything. Tell him she called off the wedding. Tell him about the box. Tell him that she was in love with him, and had been for a long time, even though she couldn't even admit it to herself until recently.
She swallowed slowly. No, she had to finish packing her stuff first. It wasn't right to call him until she had finished this. She needed to get this done.
---
It only took Pam about two-and-a-half hours to pack up all her clothing, shoes and personal items into her car. She was surprised, looking at everything, that she had very few items she would consider "personal" to her. Most of the stuff she'd bought since moving in with Roy was shared items - appliances, electronics - things she really wasn't concerned about. She wasn't even interested in taking the few pieces of furniture they'd bought together.
She did take her down comforter and pillow, however. She had bought those items right after high school, and they held a certain amount of sentimental value to her. At the time, the purchase had signaled what she thought was a new bout of independence from her parents - a new start on life as an adult. Instead of going out into the world to explore her independence, though, she moved in with Roy three months after graduating high school. They had been living together for almost eight years now. She sniffed the comforter as she bought it out to the car.
It smelled faintly of Roy - a hint of Davidoff Cool Water, his favorite cologne, a bit of Suave Aloe Vera, the shampoo he used, and a scent that was indescribable, but undeniably Roy. She swallowed, stuffing it into the trunk of her car. She would have to get that cleaned before she used it again.
Once everything was organized and ready to go, she locked up the apartment and headed to the East Scranton Public Storage facility, where she was going to temporarily store most of her stuff until she found a place. She kept a suitcase full of clothes and toiletries out, but everything else went into the locker. Getting that done made her feel complete. She knew there was a lot more that still needed to be figured out, but there was plenty of time to worry about that later. She had more important things to take care of at that moment.
---
"Yes, the wedding's been called off ... Why? ... it's complicated; Pam really didn't explain it to me fully, but I think she and Roy have a few things to work out before they ..." Mrs. Beesly's voice trailed off as she saw her daughter trod into the room, pulling a rolling suitcase and carry-on behind her. "Look, can I call you back?" she asked, hanging the phone up.
"Hey, Mom," she said, leaving the suitcase in the middle of the room, and came over to the bed, where her mom was sitting.
Mrs. Beesly had the phone next to her, along with a list of names and an open address book. "How are you doing? Did you finish packing up?"
"Yeah," Pam said, sitting down. "I packed up everything I wanted to keep. There's a lot of stuff I left, but Roy and I can figure that out later, I guess." She closed her eyes, breathing deeply. "I still can't believe I'm doing this," she said. She opened her eyes and looked at her mom. "Everything's happening so quickly, Mom."
"I know, dear. But sometimes when you figure out what you really want, it feels like it does happen really fast. When I met your dad, it felt like a whirlwind - ten, twenty years were gone before I knew it." She smiled wistfully.
"Did you tell Dad about everything?"
"He was the first person I called this morning."
Pam's dad was supposed to come meet them in Scranton Friday night, as he couldn't get time off work to come any earlier. Now that the wedding was off, she figured she probably wouldn't see him that weekend. "What -- what did he say, Mom?"
"He said what I did -- that you need to do what makes you happy, Pam. We both just want what's best for you."
Pam hadn't been sure how her father would react: her dad had always liked Roy a lot. He had started calling Roy "son" about two years into their relationship, and was always joking with Roy about when he was going to make Pam "a proper woman." She thought if anyone would be upset about them calling off the wedding, it would be him.
"Are you sure he wasn't mad?"
"Pam, why would he be mad?" She put her arm around her daughter. "You've got to stop worrying about what other people think about you all the time. Your father and I love you. We will always love you, no matter what."
Pam nodded, tears welling up in her eyes. "Okay," she whispered.
Her mom and her sat there together for a couple minutes. Her mom asked, "What are you going to do next?"
She looked up at her mom. "Go find Jim."
---
Jim woke up to the announcement that their plane would be landing shortly, and to please set your seat to its full and upright position. He tapped Janice, who had also been sleeping, to let her know that they were landing and she needed to move her seat.
He looked out the window at the expanse of ocean below them. Soon, they would be landing. He would be in Australia.
On one hand, he was fairly excited - the farthest he had ever been from home was the trip that he and Mark had taken to Los Angeles a few years ago. On the other hand, he couldn't get the sense of dread out of his stomach, knowing exactly why he was there. One more day, and Pam would be married. She was already out of his grasp, but the fact that she was getting married seemed to put a stamp of finality on it.
He needed to get his mind off Pam. Anything. Anything to make these bad feelings go away.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Pam talks to Roy.
