She stared up at him, stunned, both of them breathing heavily.

Oh my god. Jim just kissed me; Jim admitted that he’s in love with me.  

It was all over, the elaborate dance of denial she’d perfected over the past few years – all over now, everything out in the open in its stunning truth.

He forced himself to wait patiently, not to say anything else….struggled not to kiss her again, shocked and aching at the way she’d kissed him back, lips moving against his, hands in his hair, her body relaxing in his arms – at least for a few moments.

My god, she kissed me back; I told her I’m in love with her, and she kissed me back….

Hope swelled in him even though he knew better.

And then her hands rose to her face as she began to shake her head. 

He watched helplessly, his eyes closing for a moment.  He knew what this meant. 

When she pulled her hands away, she pressed her fingers against her lips, brows knit, tears starting to slide down her cheeks.

“Pam….” His voice was hoarse, throaty with the tears that had welled in his own eyes at the sight of her crying. 

She shook her head even more furiously, took a step back when he reached out as if he’d touch her.

His eyes closed momentarily; he felt as if she’d slapped him, knocked the breath out of him by shrinking away from his touch.

“Jim….” She didn’t dare speak above a whisper, her eyes pleading with him. “We can’t do this; this just….can’t happen.”

“But it did happen.” His voice was low, resolute, masking the fear that gripped him.

“It isn’t too late to go back.” She said softly, eyes on his face, something desperate in her expression.

He tilted his head at her, eyes moving over her face – the way her eyes were begging him, tears still on her cheeks, her lips trembling. 

Now it was his turn to shake his head.

“Yes….it is too late.” He looked away from her, then added, “I’m not taking any more steps backward.”

“What does that mean?” Her eyes narrowed, and he thought he saw anger brimming there.

He didn’t care; this had long since been out of his hands.

“It means that I won’t go back to pretending that there’s nothing between us when there so obviously is.” He shook his head for a moment, then exhaled, his shoulders dropping before he whispered, “I mean….c’mon, Pam…you know that what I’m saying is true.”

But she’d begun to shake her head as soon as his voice had implored her.

Now it was his turn to get angry.

“What?  Are you telling me that you feel nothing for me?” His jaw was trembling because, angry as he was, he knew she could crush him.

But he had to do this, had to see this through.

She looked away from him for a long moment, prompting him to whisper, “Don’t do that, Pam….  Look at me.”

Slowly she turned her eyes back to his, her chin raising slightly as if in defiance.

“You know that I love you, Jim.” Her voice trembled, her entire body following suit as she added, her voice breaking, “You’re my best friend.”

She watched fearfully as his chest started to rise and fall in a more pronounced way, his jaw tensing as he looked away from her.  She saw him swallow hard, saw the tears standing out in his eyes.

Then he turned his eyes back to hers, staring at her hard, lips in a firm line as he whispered, “Don’t do that….don’t you dare do that to me.”

“What?” She drew back, shocked; she’d never seen him look like this before, had never heard him use that tone before.

He was livid.

“Don’t you stand there and tell me you love me because I’m your best friend.” He paused, taking a deep breath, steadying himself.  “Because there’s more to it than that, and you know it.”

He was starting to scare her now as she realized that he wasn’t going to back down this time.

For some inane reason, she heard herself whisper, “I’m engaged.”

That did it.

“God damn it, Pam!” His hand slammed down on the desk next to him, startling her. “Don’t – “

He stopped, pointing at her, his hand shaking.  He forced himself to pause, taking a few deep breaths in an attempt to get a handle on his temper.

She watched him, aching, unable to tear her eyes from him; that weakness that had arisen low in her stomach when his lips had touched hers was starting to swell again at the look on his face – broken, angry, desperate….devastating.

When he felt a little more calm, he said slowly, deliberately, “Pam, don’t do this; don’t hide behind the engagement.  Don’t….cling to that – not now; god, please, not now.”

For some reason what he said made her angry. 

“I’m not hiding behind anything.” She said defiantly, almost glaring at him.

“You aren’t?” His eyebrows were raised, something in his look telling her she needed to step carefully….stop pushing him.

“No.” She answered stubbornly, resolutely.

He swallowed hard.

Silence fell as they stared at one another for a few long moments, then he forced himself to say, “And you’re telling me that you….just want me to be your friend?  That that’s all you feel for me – just….platonic?”

She knew she was lying even as she nodded her head, not allowing herself to think; the instinct to run was so ingrained in her that she simply didn’t know what else to do – couldn’t fathom doing anything else.

His jaw tensed again, tears standing out in his eyes.

She’s lying; she’s looking at me right now, knowing that I see right through this, praying I’ll just accept it and back off.   

I’m not wrong about this; I know I’m not.

It was risky and he knew it, but he was so fucking desperate to shake her out of this….haze of denial and fear that shrouded her.

He stepped forward, one hand on her jaw as he lowered his lips to hers.  Nothing soft about this kiss, nothing chaste or hesitant; this was pure passion, raw desperation.

And she responded to it immediately.

Her hands wound into his hair again, and he felt her tears wet on his cheeks, tasted the salt in his mouth, on his tongue.  But he didn’t stop, just kissed her harder, both hands on her face now as he took steps toward her, backing her against the opposite wall.

She didn’t stop him; she couldn’t have brought herself to put an end to this…not yet. 

She felt completely out of control – absolutely intoxicated, incapable of resisting him, of doing anything other than pressing her lips to his, mouth opening, head tilting back when his lips lowered to her neck, the moan deep in her throat shocking her.  He was pressed close to her, so close she could feel him hard against her thigh, her back against the opposite wall, her breasts flattened against his broad chest. 

Morning smiles like the face of a newborn child

Innocent unknowing

Winter’s end promises of a long lost friend

Speak to me of comfort

But I fear I have nothing to give

I have so much to lose here in this lonely place

Tangled up in our embrace

There’s nothing I’d like better than to fall

Wind in time rapes the flower trembling on the vine

Nothing yields to shelter it

From above they say temptation will destroy our love

The never-ending hunger

But I fear I have nothing to give

I have so much to lose here in this lonely place

Tangled up in our embrace

There’s nothing I’d like better than to fall

Without warning – without even thinking – she suddenly pushed him away, both hands on his chest.

He immediately backed off, stepping away from her, giving her room, staring down at her breathlessly.

Her head was bowed, that hand again to her lips, still tasting him on her tongue….reeling at the fact that she knew now: knew what it felt like to have his lips on hers, his hands in her hair, hers on his shoulders, chest….tasting him. 

Wanting him.

The fear gripped her; she was shaking all over, trembling uncontrollably, her teeth even chattering.

“Pam….?” His voice was a rough whisper, concern all over his face at how badly she was shaking.  He held a hand out to her cautiously, staring at her as if she were a wounded animal that might turn on him at any second.

Which she did.

“No!” Her voice was loud, emphatic, prompting him to draw back in surprise. 

He was aching all over, desire making him dizzy….so fucking confused. Because she’d kissed him earlier with an abandon that told him she wanted him, too – was as hungry for him as he was for her – and now she was staring at him with a panic that bordered on almost hatred.

All she could think was: I’m getting married in a month; I’m getting married in a month.   

“I can’t do this.” She shook her head.

He stood stock still as she brushed past him, his head lowering, eyes on the floor. 

She moved away from him, shifting so that she stood behind him.  She waited for a moment, thinking he’d say something, but he didn’t; he just stood there with his head bowed, not looking up at her.

“Jim….” Even when she whispered his name, he didn’t respond – couldn’t look at her.

Because he couldn’t believe she was doing this to him.

“I’m so sorry.” She whispered, tears trickling down her cheeks.  She wanted to hug him, but she was too afraid to go near him again; that desire was still holding her, making her tremble, legs weak, something low in her stomach feeling like liquid.

He never responded, never moved, just stood there with his head down.

So she left, quickening her footsteps on the way out to her car.

________________________________________________________________________

“I’ll take the transfer.” His voice was rough, his eyes avoiding hers.

“Are you sure?” Jan was clearly caught off guard at his decisiveness.  Just an hour earlier, he’d still been unsure – hadn’t even wanted to talk about it, really.

“Yes.” His head was down. “The sooner the better.”

He didn’t wait for her answer, just walked away, hands in his pockets, head lowered.

_______________________________________________________________________

The trembling didn’t stop; she couldn’t make it stop, no matter what she did.

Roy peacefully sleeping, lying on his side, eyes closed, dimples reminding her of other times.

The guilt was damned near unbearable.

The fear was simply overwhelming.

She’d sobbed in the shower, wondering what the hell would happen now, how she and Jim could possibly go back to the way they’d once been. 

….Knowing that there was just no way – no possible way to pretend that all of this hadn’t happened.

She still wanted him so badly she was shaking all over, unable in the steam of the hot shower to blame it on the temperature, incapable of erasing the knowledge of what it had been like to kiss him, feel him close to her.

Even her subconscious wouldn’t leave her alone.

In her dreams, they were standing in the conference room; he was leaning over her, his palm flat against the wall over her head, breath hot on her face.

“Yes…do it.” She whispered.  “Do it so I can’t make it go away anymore.”

He’d nodded, lips covering hers, body pressing closer.

She’d still been trembling when she woke up, shocked at the clarity of that dream.

________________________________________________________________________

He didn’t look at her when she walked in. 

She’d expected that.

She forced herself to stride purposefully over to his desk, standing over him and staring down at him, pretending not to notice the circles under his eyes.

“We need to talk.” Despite her will to sound resolute, her voice shook.

His eyes were slow to rise to hers, and when they did, she was shocked at how much they’d changed.  If the eyes were the windows to the soul, then she was witnessing nothing short of his dark night of the soul.

He was devastating in his vulnerability….in the fact that she could clearly see the struggle in him – the instinct to protect himself making him want to deny her; the love he felt for her rendering him incapable of denying her anything.

God, just to make love with him once.  To know what it would be like.

She ignored the thought, trying to forget the too-real sensation from her dream the night before, feeling his bare chest against hers, the way he’d gasped in her ear, filling her completely.

“Please.” She added, not able to look him in the eye.

He didn’t say anything, just stood without looking at her, walking into the conference room (she felt something inside her shake), she following him, closing the door behind them.  She took a second to flick all the blinds closed, not giving a damn if this looked weird to everybody else.

“We’ve got to….” She shook her head, taking a deep breath. “Figure out a way to get past this.”

His head lowered, a bitter smile on his lips. 

He didn’t say a word, didn’t look at her, just studied his hands.

“What?” She asked, watching him closely.

He didn’t speak for a moment – the corners of his lips pulled down briefly as he shook his head once.

“Doesn’t matter.” He’d finally said, his voice low.

“Why not?” She asked, feeling panicked….something instinctive in her warning her that she’d pushed him too far.

“I’m leaving.” He answered.

“What does that mean?” She asked, certain she’d misunderstood him.

Slowly, slowly he raised his eyes to hers.

“I’m transferring to the Stamford branch next week.” His voice was dead, jaw clenched.

She stared at him, tears immediately springing to her eyes.

Oh god, oh god, oh god….let him be lying; please say this isn’t true….

“What?” She forced herself to say, her hand fluttering up to cover her neck.

“I’m leaving.” He repeated, then: “I can’t do this anymore.  I told you that last night, and I meant it.”

She gasped audibly, her hand covering her mouth now as she tried not to cry.  Her eyes were wild, shocked.

Then she choked, “How could you do this to me?”

He stared up at her in disbelief, vacillating between anger and hunger and absolute….hell.

All he could do was whisper, “How could you do this to me?”

What he’d said caught her instantly off guard, causing something to just….click.

Oh my god…. I love him; I can’t face the thought of losing him. I’d do anything – anything – to hold onto this, even break off my engagement…. 

Oh my god, I don’t want to marry Roy.  

I want to be with Jim.

He watched, tears in his eyes, as she started to tremble all over again; it was startling to witness.

He felt confused when she slowly, deliberately turned away from him; he thought she was going to just leave the room at first, felt something in him sink with the realization that, if she could walk away from him in light of what he’d just said, she really didn’t feel it.

That if she walked out that door and left him now, he’d have to believe that he’d been wrong – very, very wrong.

The lock turned with a sharp click, her head bowing, back to him as she hesitated.

He still wasn’t sure what was going on, why she’d locked the door….why she was standing there with her back to him, why she wouldn’t look at him.

She didn’t raise her eyes to his as she walked toward him slowly, head down, one foot in front of the other, still trembling like a leaf in the wind.

When she stopped in front of him, he tilted his head to the side, suddenly realizing what this might mean.

When her head remained bowed, she standing so close to him that her forehead almost touched his chest, he forced himself to whisper, “Pam….?”

She didn’t respond immediately – stood there for a few long moments.

Then she slowly, slowly raised her eyes to his – tears in her eyes, something so….open in them that he’d never seen in her before – ever.

It took his breath away.

And then she took his breath away, suddenly rising on her toes, taking his face in her hands as she pressed her lips to his, hands in his hair.

He didn’t hesitate – immediately responded, his hands roaming her back, her waist, lips on hers.

He didn’t say a word, and neither did she as she took steps forward, much like he had the night before, pushing close to him until his back hit the wall, his breath leaving him in a desperate moan that made her want him now.

She couldn’t believe she’d ever tried to deny this, couldn’t believe this man wanted her, was in love with her, even after all she’d done to him.  Couldn’t believe how incredible it was to feel his lips on hers, body close.

Couldn’t believe how much she wanted him to just make love to her right there.

As if he sensed it in her – that she was dangerously close to losing all control – he pulled back gently, his hands on either side of her face, gazing down at her in wonder, disbelief….agony.

“Pam….?” 

“I want this.” She whispered.

“What?” It was all he could think of to say, because he couldn’t believe he’d heard her correctly – no matter how passionately she’d kissed him.

“I want this.” Her chest was rising and falling, fear in her eyes replaced with a kind of nervous energy….a momentum.

“I want to be with you.” Her eyes sought his, and when he saw just a twinge of insecurity, his lips were on hers again.

Jesus.

He pulled away, aware that he was reaching his limit here….that the locked door seemed to be positively taunting him. 

….That he absolutely could not shake the image of what it would be like to make love to her right there on that conference room table.

As if she could read his mind, she suddenly pressed her lips to his again, her hand on the back of his head, fingers sinking into his hair.

He forced himself to pull back after a moment, knowing she could feel him hard against her, wondering why she wasn’t more frightened….hesitant.

Because she wants you.  

“Pam….”

It was a low growl, the warning in it implicit and clear, prompting her eyes to close momentarily.  She’d always been attracted to him – always – but she’d never been privy to this side of him before….the side that was all man.

And she wanted to know more of it, to know all of it.

He was almost panting as he stared down at her, one of his hands raising to rub the back of his neck.

She knew she needed to say something.

“I want to do this.” She whispered, the fear starting to seep in again.

He froze, staring down at her in disbelief.

“You do….?”

“Yes.” She answered, then repeated more resolutely, “Yes.”

“Oh my god.” The words slipped out of him. 

“I know.” She whispered, tears brimming in her eyes.

He wanted to kiss her again, but he didn’t because he knew better.

His head lowered, then: “This is going to be….so incredibly complicated.”

“I know.” She whispered again.

He looked down at her, one of his hands suddenly reaching to touch her cheek.  He was shocked when her eyes closed, as if it were sheer agony to feel his fingers on her skin.

Again, he resisted the urge to lower his lips to hers.

Instead, he said, “I have to go; I can’t get out of the transfer.”

The tears trickled down her cheeks as she nodded, whispering for a third time, “I know.”

“Hey….” He immediately wiped her tears away gently with his thumb.  “We’ll figure this out.”

She nodded, then choked, “It’s going to be so….hard.”

“I know; I know….” He closed his eyes for a moment, then: “But we’ll make it through; we can handle it.”

When her eyes met his, he was touched – deeply, deeply touched – by the hope and the trust he saw brimming there.

It was as if hearing him say that they could do it made it all right somehow for her.  Made her able to face this.

He wanted to tell her he loved her again, but he didn’t – forced himself to swallow back the emotion that was threatening to overcome him.

“Look….” He looked down for a moment, then back up at her. “You’ve got a lot to…navigate, to figure out, so maybe it’s a good thing that I’m leaving.”

She knew what he meant, but still, the thought of losing him – of not seeing that face every single day – made her want to just sink to her knees and sob.

….Made her realize just how wrong she’d been to take him for granted all these years.

Made her suddenly press her lips to his again, his hair soft beneath her fingers, his tongue tasting of something faintly sweet and familiar – Sprite?

Just….him.  

He gave in to it, let her kiss him passionately, ignoring his own swelling desire, telling himself that yes, he could handle this….

When they pulled back, her hand was trailing his cheek, eyes absolutely in love.

He was stunned, reeling.

And then the door suddenly rattled, Michael’s voice calling out, “Hey!  Toby! Why is the conference room locked?”

Their eyes met in panic for a moment, and then a slow smile spread across her face.

In that instant, he knew that this would work out – knew that they could handle it.

He sank down into one of the chairs around the table, figuring it was the wisest thing to do – because there was just no way he could walk out of there at that moment – leaving her to make her way to the door, flinging it open to reveal Michael standing there looking indignant.

“Pam?” He was confused, then spotted Jim sitting at the table behind her.  There was about a five second pause, then a knowing look settled over his features.

“Oh…..” He said, nodding at Jim and giving him a wink as if to say, I get it, man….

Pam was completely confused, caught off guard.

Jim forced himself to say – for her sake – “Michael, look….it’s not what you think.  She….rejected me.”

Pam’s head jerked involuntarily, her eyes meeting Jim’s; he gave her a look that said, Go with me on this.

So she said staunchly, “Yes.  I did – and if you’ll excuse me….”