Just before our spring break that year, Jim and I were reconnecting. I never brought up the Valentine’s Day card; he didn’t, either. I suppose we both understood that there were things that would eventually surface. We just had to wait for the right time.
Roy and I were still ‘dating,’ I guess if in sixth grade, talking on the phone and watching cartoons together was dating, but that’s the only word I can correlate with our relationship. This also meant that Karen and Jim were ‘dating,’ but I bet they weren’t staying home watching silly cartoons.
I always imagined my time with Jim to be the two of us outside having a picnic laughing over a funny prank we’d pulled on Dwight earlier in the day or giggling over the phone during one of our set daily calls. I wished I had known what Karen and Jim did so I could lay in bed at night and replace her image with my own, but then again, I didn’t want to know what those two were doing. So I just made things up.
After Valentine’s Day, I made myself go out of the way to talk to him. I pushed myself out of my shell and my comfort zone and would make conversation. This must have been easier for him because, eventually, things started falling back into place. It was still awkward when Karen was around, so I tried to avoid them when they were together, but it had recently felt like he was creating enough time for us to talk.
It never seemed like he was blowing her off, but it looked like he was coming up with many excuses to be alone lately. I felt terrible for Karen. Honestly, I had tried not to let their relationship get in between what could be a great friendship, but it was so hard. I was so jealous of her, and she didn't deserve it.
One day, one of the girls in the class was organizing a party for us. I think it was a holiday party for Easter or Christmas, or it could’ve been Thanksgiving. Karen and I had been involved on the ‘party committee,’ but this was the first committee Karen was sitting in on. I’d been through a couple of others with this girl, and I knew just to sit and keep my mouth shut. Karen had interjected with some great ideas, but they were shot down. So, later that afternoon, I went over to Karen and asked her if she wanted to create our committee and make our party, and she agreed. I hated seeing her feel so alone with no other girls talking to her, so I tried to make her feel comfortable.
It was so funny, we made colorful signs, and I added some of my artistic touches. We posted them right by the other dull posters, which became this popularity contest between the two parties. The exciting thing was that Jim didn’t talk to either of us that day. I saw him from across the room with his arms crossed in front of him with a puzzled look. He didn’t understand that if I had to accept them being together as a couple, I’d have to get used to her staying around. The easiest way to cope with this was for me to befriend her. If he saw something in her, she must be a great girl.
She and I were never really close during all this, but it did help break the tension. Plus, I think this enabled me to talk to Jim more without her feeling insecure. I wasn’t sure at the time if he’d talked to her about me and our feelings from earlier, since we were just little kids. Maybe he didn’t think it ever existed, and perhaps I was reading too much into it too. What does a five-year-old understand about love or emotions, right?
But on that last day of school before break Kelly came running over to me, telling me something she’d overheard. I guess Karen and Jim had been arguing over something in the hallway, they thought no one was listening, but Kelly was nearby. With Kelly’s love of gossip and sensitive hearing, she, of course, couldn’t resist.
She told me that she heard Karen ask Jim if he still had feelings for ‘her.’ Kelly didn’t hear who they were talking about, but she thought it was so juicy she had to tell me. Jim replied to Karen with a solid “Yes.” Not a maybe, a sure, or a yeah but a definite yes. My stomach instantly filled with hesitation, the butterflies I’d suppressed for so long grew into flight again, and I thought I would be sick. I knew I shouldn’t read too far into this, but I had to know who it was.
During the entire week off from school, I occupied my time trying to think of ways to talk to him. I wanted to ask him what was going on to see if maybe he and Karen would be breaking up and if we had a shot. I was still with Roy and what was interesting was not for one minute during all of this time did I think of breaking up with him. He had become my safety net, my comfort blanket that I wasn’t ready to get rid of yet, just in case.
However, they walked hand in hand on that first day of school back from break. I guess they worked it out, and once again, I felt alone. It was a good thing I kept my 'blanket' nearby.
