Driving to New York, his windows rolled down and music blaring, he thought he might be okay. It felt good to listen to his own music again instead of always listening to the things she liked, and this morning he stocked his car with CDs from The Shins and Death Cab and Travis and tossed out her far more sophisticated jazz artists with names he could never remember. He’d been trying to make himself over for the last four years now, but it had never done him any good. It didn’t matter if he liked world music and could tell a merlot from a cabernet. She still wanted him there just for fun, just for company after a long day and not for companionship for the rest of their lives. The truth was, he liked trendy hipster music and good beer. He almost forgot that over the last four years but maybe it was time to start remembering.
As soon as he did, however, he started thinking about what that really meant. It meant packing up years worth of memories, leaving behind everything that reminded him of her. It meant admitting defeat, admitting that he spent all his time chasing an impossible dream, wasting his life for something he could never have. In an hour he would sit down across from Jan and discuss the possibility of transferring to Scranton, but could he really do it? Could he leave the woman he’d fallen in love with and accept, once and for all, that she just wasn’t in love with him?
“You leaving?” he mumbled sleepily as he heard her shift in the bed beside him.
“Hm, I probably should,” she murmured back.
“You don’t always have to go, you know. I’m not going to freak out and start stalking you if you want to sleep for a while and have breakfast with me.”
“Sounds dangerous,” she responded, and without opening his eyes, he knew that sly little smile had made its way onto her face. That smile had driven him crazy all night, teasing him, taunting him with all the secrets behind it. Now he just wanted her to stay so he could wake up to that smile, and really wake up to it, not just open his eyes long enough for a kiss goodbye as he usually did.
“Terribly dangerous. I was thinking of making pancakes.”
“However can I risk it?”
He started to play along, but then he realised he didn’t want this to be a joke or a game. He really wanted her to stay. He didn’t need a quiet morning in bed reading the newspaper together or a dramatic profession of love, but he didn’t want this to feel like a one-night stand. “Just stay, Kar,” he whispered. “Go back to sleep.”
He expected her to insist on going home, but instead, she sighed softly and pulled the covers up over them both. “Night, Halpert,” she said quietly, and he fell back asleep with a smile on his face.
They did end up making breakfast together that morning. She borrowed some of his clothes, and they spent the morning laughing and making pancakes. As soon as they finished eating, however, she left his apartment and didn’t talk to him again until Monday. Maybe he should have called her on it then, told her he didn’t want this to be a just-for-fun thing, just a casual little romp like most of her romances were. But he knew – he’d seen it too many times – that the moment he tried to make it into something more was the moment he lost her. He just kept justifying it in his mind, telling him it was what he had to do. Eventually he would win her over, and she would realise she did want more.
Matthew insisted she was using him. He said it again and again, like she was some kind of villain out to break his heart. But Jim knew better. Karen could be cruel when it came to men, but it was never her intention to hurt anyone. She just didn’t always think about what she was doing, and it made her seem cold and unfeeling. Hell, maybe he would have believed it, too, if they weren’t friends.
“Wow, you look um…”
“Don’t say it, Halpert,” she warned him, silencing him with a single well-placed glare.
“Ohhhkay,” he nodded, turning his attention back to his work.
After a few minutes, she sighed and tossed a pencil at him, her sure-fire way of getting his attention. “So aren’t you going to ask me why I look like hell?”
“I was thinking about it, but I thought you might kill me, so I was going to mind my own business,” he answered without looking up.
“Let’s get coffee.”
“You’ve been here a minute and a half.”
“Almost two. I need caffeine.”
He chuckled a little and stood, following her into the breakroom. It was a new record for him – his second cup of coffee in twenty minutes, but she really did look like hell. He could tell she hadn’t slept much last night, and Karen was not one to pass on sleep when she had to be at work in the morning.
“I broke up with Rob last night,” she explained as she poured a cup of coffee.
“Wow, I thought you all were having a good time,” he answered, schooling his expression to hide his relief. She’d been seeing a stock broker named Rob for almost three months now, and it was the longest relationship she’d been in since they met. It was actually starting to get a little serious, to the point that he didn’t spend as many weeknights with her, and he never saw her on the weekends. She seemed happy with Rob, and the one time Jim met him, he seemed like a pretty nice guy. He’d never really liked any of her boyfriends, and not just for the obvious reasons. She had a tendency to date total bastards, making it far easier for her to end it after just a few weeks.
“We were having a good time,” she agreed with a long sigh.
“So…why did you break up with him?”
“He was tired of having a good time,” she responded wryly. “I don’t get it. Why does everything have to turn into something serious? I mean, he’s a great guy, but he’s thinking of moving to the city and he wanted to know if I would ever consider moving there with him.”
“Would you?” he asked curiously.
“I would consider moving into the city again, but it’s been three months, Jim. Why would he think I was anywhere near ready to move with him?”
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “So are you okay with the breakup?”
“Yeah, I guess,” she shrugged. “It does suck, though. I liked him. I was having a really good time and I really thought we were on the same page about not getting serious.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, go for it.”
“Why are you so against getting serious with someone? If you really like a guy, what’s stopping you from letting it go somewhere?”
“God, it is way too early for a question like that,” she shook her head. “And I was fighting with Rob until like, 3 AM. I’m going to need some more coffee before I even thinking about touching that one.”
She didn’t answer his question until that weekend when they grabbed a drink together at a bar near her apartment. There, over gin and tonics, she told him about her parents’ divorce when she was eleven. It had been an ugly affair, full of screaming and fighting and an eventual custody battle over Karen and her younger sister. Karen didn’t blame her parents for destroying her trust in marriage, but seeing the way they grew to hate each other convinced her she wanted nothing to do with the whole institution. She’d never wanted kids of her own, and she would rather just have fun than commit herself to a relationship that, statistically, didn’t stand a chance.
He understood her reasoning. His own parents had a happy marriage and a happy family, but he’d seen plenty of kids who grew up in broken homes, shuffling back and forth between mom’s house and dad’s and trying to make sense of their shattered worlds. He couldn’t blame her for not wanting a lifelong commitment after watching her parents go through a bitter, nasty divorce.
There was a wounded part of Karen that didn’t want her to open herself up to that kind of heartache. But there was another part, too. Karen was independent. Always had been, always would be. She liked her space, liked having her own apartment and her own things and her own life. And that was the part he could never get around, the part that always sent him back to his own apartment feeling dejected and depressed.
By the time he arrived in New York, he was back to the confusion that seemed to rule his life these days. He knew what he wanted. He wanted a family. He wanted to teach a little boy to play baseball and he wanted to spoil a beautiful little girl. His older sister was married with two perfect adorable girls, and now his brother was expecting his first child. He wanted that, too. He wanted to show up at Thanksgiving and Christmas with his wife and his children at his side. But he also wanted to spend his days with Karen, and the two could never reconcile. He kept waiting around, expecting one of them to change, but he was still the same Jim, and she was still the same Karen.
Sighing heavily to himself, he climbed out of his car and rode the elevator up to the corporate office, still trying to figure out what the hell he was going to do if Jan approved the transfer.
“So, what makes you think you’d like to transfer to our Scranton branch, Jim?” she asked him as she flipped through the reports he brought with him.
“Well, I just feel like I need a change,” he answered as honestly as possible. The last thing Jan needed was for him to break down and cry about the co-worker who didn’t love him back.
“Why Scranton? You know we have some availabilities at the Utica branch, as well as Albany.”
“I grew up in Scranton. My family is scattered around Pennsylvania now, but I have some good friends in Scranton.”
“I see,” she nodded. “Well, I have to be honest with you Jim. Your sales numbers haven’t been that good recently. I was really impressed with your work when you first started in Stamford, but it seems you’ve had some trouble, especially over the last year or two.”
“I have,” he agreed. “And without going into too much detail, it’s part of why I’d like to transfer. I know I haven’t been the best worker recently, and there are just some….personal issues that I don’t think can be resolved as long as I stay in Stamford.”
“And you think transferring to Scranton would help?” she asked curiously.
“Yeah, I do,” he answered seriously. “Like I said, I have good friends in Scranton, and I would be a little closer to my family.”
Jan nodded again and flipped through his sales reports once more. “Okay,” she agreed. “I’m willing to go ahead and approve the transfer if you think you can commit to bringing your numbers up. The Scranton branch is struggling, and we really need to bring some leadership to the sales team. Do you think you could do that?”
“Yes,” he nodded confidently. “I’m a good salesman, Jan. I haven’t been the most committed recently, but I think if I get out of Stamford, I would be able to bring my numbers back up.”
“Alright then. There’s some paperwork we’ll need to fill out, and of course you’ll need some time to get everything in order to move. Do you think two weeks is reasonable?”
He felt his heart begin to race as he realised he was really about to do this. Yesterday he wasn’t even considering moving out of Stamford – away from her – and now he was actually preparing to sign paperwork and make it official. He didn’t expect it to be this easy, and he really didn’t expect to have the guts to do it in the first place. “Um…yeah, that sounds good,” he forced himself to nod, trying desperately to remember his brother’s words from yesterday.
“Look, if you need some time to think about this, I completely understand,” Jan assured him, obviously noticing his rather shell-shocked expression.
“No, it’s…I need to do this. It’s just kind of a lot to think about.”
“I think you can really do some good in Scranton, Jim,” she tried to encourage him. “You had some great sales numbers at the beginning, and I think you could do it again.”
“Yeah, um, I think you’re right,” he agreed.
She smiled sympathetically, then called for her assistant to bring in a few forms. “Okay, that’s it,” she said as he finished up twenty minutes later. “I’ll call the Scranton branch and make sure everything’s ready for you to go two weeks from Monday.”
“Great. Thank you so much, Jan. And thanks for seeing me so quickly.”
“Of course,” she smiled. “It hasn’t been easy finding someone for Scranton. I think we’ll have a better time finding someone to take your place in Stamford.”
“Is he really that bad?”
“Worse,” she laughed humourlessly. “Just give me a call if you need anymore help getting thins ready.”
They parted with a polite handshake, and he grabbed his bag and headed back to his car to make the hour drive back to Stamford. Just as he climbed into his car, however, his cell phone began to ring and flashed her name across the screen. He briefly debated letting it go to voicemail, but he knew he had to face her eventually, and if he did decide to move to Scranton, he couldn’t just leave without a goodbye.
“Hey, where are you?” she asked by way of a greeting.
“Oh, just out running some errands,” he lied. “Done for the day?”
“Yes, finally,” she sighed. “Josh had us play Call of Duty again.”
“Oh God,” he laughed. “Does he really think that’s team-building?”
“Apparently. Although I have to admit, I am pretty good at it. I can’t wait to kick your ass again.”
He had to bite his tongue to keep from saying anything, knowing now was not the right time to let her know about the transfer. He would have to tell her, but he needed to do it in person. She wasn’t going to understand, and she was probably going to be pretty upset about losing one of her best friends.
“Yeah, well, maybe you should work on selling paper instead of destroying me in a video game,” he joked.
“Oh please. I sell more paper in half an hour than you do in a week.”
“So not true, Filipelli.”
“Whatever, Halpert. You’re such a slacker. I can’t believe you left at three o’clock to go run errands. They couldn’t wait until five?”
“Hey, I had a doctor’s appointment,” he tried to defend himself, using the same lie he told Josh to get out of work early today. “That’s all you need to know.”
“Yeah right,” she scoffed. “But anyway, my date isn’t until nine tonight. You wanna come over and have a few drinks with me?”
The “no” was on the tip of his tongue, but he knew he couldn’t put this off. The longer he waited, the worse it was going to be, and the more time he was going to give himself to decide it was a horrible idea and he should just stay in Stamford. No, he needed to make a clean break, and if he was going to do this, he just needed to face her. “Yeah, actually, that would be great. I have something I need to talk to you about.”
“Oh, is it my Call of Duty skill? Because I’m afraid I can’t tell you my secrets. You’ll have to talk to Andy.”
“Very funny,” he shot back. “No, I just…I have something I want to talk to you about. I’ll be there in an hour or two.”
“Okay, see you then.”
He snapped his phone shut and threw it into the passenger seat, resisting the sudden urge to just drive his car headfirst into oncoming traffic. He was really going to do this. He was really going to go over to her apartment tonight and explain that he was leaving. For Scranton. The branch everyone told horror stories about, the branch at the top of everyone’s list for downsizing. No one in his right mind actually asked for a transfer to Scranton, but now he’d done it and signed the papers making it official. Two weeks, he realised with a sick churning in his stomach. Two weeks and I’m actually supposed to be at work in Scranton.
Desperately needing some reassurance, he grabbed his phone again and dialled his brother’s number. “Hey man! I was just about to call you!” Matt greeted excitedly after a single ring.
“Wow, you sound…up,” he noted. “What’s going on?”
“Kim just had her sonogram, and we decided to find out the sex of the baby. I’m having a boy!” Matt announced. “Can you believe it? I’m going to have a son!”
“That’s so great, Matt! Congratulations!” he said, not having to fake his own delight despite the misery of his own life. He had been secretly hoping for a nephew anyway since he already had two nieces, and he knew Matt really wanted a boy first. “Is Kim excited?”
“She’s thrilled. She said she wanted a girl, but as soon as she found out it was a boy, she changed her mind. She’s already talking about all the blue things she wants to buy and the whole theme of the nursery and everything.”
“And I’m sure you’re not indulging that at all,” he laughed.
“Oh, of course not,” Matt chuckled. “So you’re the first person we’ve told. I guess I should call Mom and Dad next. They’ll be so excited.”
“They will,” he agreed. “Mom especially. She’s been wanting a grandson. I think she was almost disappointed when Sophie turned out to be a girl,” he joked.
“Oh man, I can’t wait to tell Larissa. She’s going to flip. She swore she would be the first to have a boy.”
“Wow, way to pit your sister against your wife. That’s awesome, Matt.”
“Shut up, Jimmy,” his brother retorted. “So what’s new? Did you think about the transfer anymore?”
“Come on, you don’t need to pretend to be interested in my life right now. Go celebrate. Call Larissa and gloat.”
“I will, I will, but I do want to hear about you. Seriously, Jim, did you think about the transfer at all?”
“I did, and….I’m on my way back from New York right now. I talked to our boss at corporate, and…I think I’m doing it, Matt. I mean, I signed the papers and everything.”
There was a long pause before Matt spoke again. “Good for you, Jim,” he answered seriously, his voice dropping a few notches from its earlier excited tone. “I’m really proud of you. I think you’re doing the right thing.”
“I hope so, but I’m really not sure,” he admitted. “I just can’t believe I did it. I wasn’t even thinking about it, and now I’ve signed the papers and what the hell was I thinking? Why didn’t I ask for a few days to consider it?”
“Because if you gave yourself a few days to consider you would talk yourself out of it,” Matthew answered pointedly. “Come on, Jim, I know this is a really tough decision, but you know you’re doing the right thing. You can’t stay in Stamford.”
“But now I have to tell her I’m leaving. And I actually have to leave.”
“Yeah, and it’s going to suck,” his brother answered bluntly. “It’s going to feel awful, but it’s the only way things are ever going to get better.”
“Wow, it really helps to hear you tell me how terrible it’s going to be.”
“I’m not gonna lie to you, Little Brother.”
“Yeah, I know,” he sighed. “Are you sure I’m doing the right thing? Maybe I should-”
“Look, Jim, this is up to you,” Matt said seriously. “It’s your life and your decision and maybe I shouldn’t try to influence you one way or the other. But I’ve listened to you for the last four years, and I’ve met Karen. She’s a beautiful girl and I can see why you care about her, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Do you really think there’s any chance she’s going to change?”
He let out a long, slow breath, and allowed himself to really consider his brother’s question. Ever since he met Karen, he’d been holding onto the hope that she would. Every day, he convinced himself he had a chance, that if he just waited long enough, she would see how faithful he was, how devoted and patient and loving he’d been with her. She would see that no one could love her like he did, and she would see that all her fears didn’t have to come true. But four years went by, and if he kept waiting for her, if he kept holding onto this insane hope, he might let the rest of his life go by and never get to experience any of the things he wanted for himself. He could throw it all away and still discover she didn’t want him. “No,” he admitted quietly. “No, I don’t think she is.”
“Then yeah, you’re doing the right thing,” his brother said gently. “And if you want, I could come next weekend and help you get everything packed up. I would come this weekend, but I think Kim would probably kill me.”
“Yeah, you should definitely be at home this weekend,” he agreed, though a part of him really did wish his big brother would just come and stay for a few days to get him through the worst of this.
“Are you going to talk to her?”
“Yeah, she asked me to come over tonight. I think I’m going to just bite the bullet and get it over with.”
“Probably a good idea. I’ll have my phone with me all weekend if you need anything.”
“Okay, thanks, Matt. Tell Kim congratulations, and seriously, Man, I’m so happy for you.”
“Thanks, Little Brother. Talk to you soon.”
He hung up his phone again and turned up the volume on his Shins CD. Later he needed to call a few of his friends back in Scranton and find out if anyone was looking for a roommate. Finding an apartment with an old buddy would probably be a lot easier than trying to locate a place in the next two weeks, and he really hated hotels. Besides, it had been a while since he had a roommate, and it might be nice to have a distraction from the agony he was about to endure. It didn’t have to be goodbye forever; they were friends and hopefully they could remain friends sometime in the ambiguously distant future. For a while he was going to need his space to figure things out again, to get used to just being Jim instead of trying so fucking hard to be the kind of person she would want.
“So…what you’re saying is, you can’t sleep with me tonight because you’re going to the aquarium in the morning?” Karen asked teasingly.
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying,” he forced himself to nod, despite the fact that she was doing that pouty lip thing that made him crazy. “I told you earlier this week Larissa was bringing the girls for the day.”
“So? You can be a little late, can’t you?”
“I haven’t seen Emily and Sophie since Christmas, Kar. They’re excited to spend a day with their Uncle Jim. So no, I can’t be late,” he insisted. At the moment, he was seriously thinking about disappointing his nieces, but he knew he would never forgive himself if he did anything to ruin their day, even if it did mean an incredible night with Karen. He should probably be offended anyway. Originally she had a date tonight, but the guy was a doctor and he got called in for an emergency at the last minute, opening up Karen’s plans. She automatically assumed he would want to hang out, so she showed up at his apartment unannounced with a bottle of her favourite wine. He should have said no, should have been offended she just invited herself over on a Friday night, but it was hard to turn her away when he was sitting in front of his television watching Law and Order reruns. Now they were both a little tipsy, and he was wishing he had just told her he had plans.
“You are no fun, Halpert,” she sighed.
“Emily and Sophie would disagree.”
“Not really the kind of fun I was thinking of.”
“Well, maybe you should come with us tomorrow,” he suggested boldly. Karen had met his brother before, but there was something altogether different about bringing her along for an outing with his sister and his nieces. Larissa was the oldest, and she’d always been the protective big sister. Karen meeting Larissa was dangerously close to Karen meeting his parents, and he knew that was another line entirely. Bringing Karen along tomorrow would scream girlfriend, and she obviously realised that.
“Jim, come on.”
“It’s important to me, Karen,” he countered. “If you don’t want to go, fine, but I’m not going to screw tomorrow up for them.”
“I guess I should just go home then.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
She did go home after that, and it was the first time he ever denied her. The next morning, he got up and got ready, then spent a wonderful day with his adorable nieces and his sister. The whole time, however, he kept thinking about her, thinking about the way she just showed up expecting to have casual sex, then couldn’t bring herself to spend a few hours with him and his family. If not for Emily and Sophie tugging on his hand and hugging him and squealing in excitement, he would have spent the whole day miserable inside his own head.
He had a feeling it was something he needed to get used to.
Author's Chapter Notes:
First off, let me say I'm so sorry it has been months since I updated this! I did not mean to post one chapter and then quit! Law school kicked into high gear pretty quickly and I haven't had much time to write, and then I lost my inspiration with this story for a bit. Thankfully it's back, and I'll try to update more often! To those of you who reviewed...thank you! If I haven't responded yet, I will!
Second, chapter title from Josh Kelley's "Deep Deep Breath"
Second, chapter title from Josh Kelley's "Deep Deep Breath"
