The scene was familiar, the setting comfortable. Her favourite candle was burning on the glass coffee table, next to a new issue of The New Yorker and a half-read book of short stories. The same book had been there for months now, and when he picked it up earlier, he discovered she was on the same page as the last time he was here. She was always doing that, always starting a book and reading only half before picking up another one. He found partially read books all over her apartment, a testament to her short attention span. It was just one of those little details he loved, one of the things that made him feel so at home here. He spent almost as much time in her apartment as he did at his own, and he couldn’t even count the number of times he’d been stretched out on the black leather sofa, a glass in wine in hand. Her apartment felt so very her, decorated in cool, dark colours with bold accent pieces and new furniture. They often crashed here after work, sharing a bottle of wine as they vented about long days of unsuccessful sales calls or Andy’s serenades. He felt at home here, knew her place as well as he knew his own. This was Stamford to him. This apartment, this woman, this routine. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t what he wanted, but it was all he had known for four years, and now he was about to give it all up.
Tonight she opened poured herself a large glass of wine and spent close to an hour complaining about a client who proved ridiculously hard to please. He listened attentively and tried not to think about how effortlessly gorgeous she looked fresh out of the shower in sweatpants and a plain tank top. The voice in the back of his head reminded him he needed to tell her. He already signed the paperwork and told Jan he was taking the transfer, but it was so hard to sit across from her and remember why the hell he was doing this. She was so comfortable with him, like they were an old couple who didn’t need to impress each other anymore. It had to mean something that she let him in with her hair still dripping wet from the shower and her apartment still a mess. Their ease with one another, the back and forth of their conversation, the whole dance they so long ago perfected…it all just proved they were right together. Four years was a long time to wait for someone, but the truth was he did wait for her. How could he give up now? How could he just throw in the towel and walk away without fighting - really fighting – for the woman he claimed to love?
I could call Jan, he thought, drifting off to his own world as Karen continued to talk. I could tell her I’ve reconsidered, that I can’t really take the transfer. She would be okay with it. She may be tough, but she would understand.
“Halpert, are you listening?” Karen asked, snapping him back to the moment.
“Hmm? Yeah, of course,” he recovered quickly.
“I need to go start getting dressed. You gonna stay here and hang out for a while?”
“Yeah, sure,” he nodded. “Want some more wine?”
“Yes, please. I’m still tense from that ridiculous woman. Can you believe she complained to me about the difference between lilac and lavender card stock?”
“Um, yes, I absolutely can. I’ve been in the paper business even longer than you have, so…yeah, I can believe it.” He grabbed her empty glass and retreated to the kitchen while she wandered back to the bedroom and turned on a jazz CD. He returned to the living room and sank back down onto the couch, setting her glass on the coffee table and allowing his eyes to flutter closed as he listened to the soft strains of the music pouring out of her room. For a moment he could almost pretend she was getting ready to go out with him. He was the patient boyfriend, waiting for his girlfriend to find the perfect outfit before a night on the town. It had been over three years since their first – and only – real date, but in his mind it was easy to pretend they’d done it a hundred times since then. From there, it was easy to imagine a hundred more times, a hundred more Friday nights together. This didn’t have to be the last time. He could call Jan back and tell her he changed his mind. He could stay right here in Stamford and never say goodbye to her or to the dream he nurtured for the last four years.
“Hey, I need your opinion on something,” Karen called from the bedroom.
“Do I have a choice?”
“Nope, I’m coming out.”
He sat up just in time to see her emerge from the bedroom in dark jeans and a loose grey tank top. Her jeans fit her just right, showing every perfect curve of her slim body, and the tank top highlighted the glistening olive of her freshly scrubbed skin. She instantly transformed from comfortably pretty to elegantly seductive with just a pair of fitted jeans and a simple top, and he swallowed hard in agony as he drank in the tantalising sight of her.
“What do you think?” she asked, oblivious to his reaction as she eyed herself critically. “Is the top too….blah?” She spun around to give him another view, and he could literally feel his mouth going dry.
“Uh…it’s….”
“I think it’s too blah,” she decided. “I have a red one I think I’ll try instead.”
“Yeah, red would be…” he trailed off, unable to put together a coherent thought much less speak it out loud.
Without another word, she disappeared back into her bedroom. It hit him then, as she rifled through her closet to find a better shirt, that staying here would be the biggest mistake of his life. He could pretend all he wanted, but none of this was for him. The jeans, the tops, the sexy heels and the light spray of perfume…it was all for someone else. She was getting ready for a date with a man who wasn’t him. She might want him here now, but soon she would leave for her date with another guy. In a few hours she would be laughing and smiling for someone else, and he would go home alone to his empty apartment. She looked gorgeous tonight, but it wasn’t for him, never for him. Another day, another week, another month, and she might want eventually want him again, but she would only be his for a few hours. Then, just like her books, she would find something better, something more interesting. She would abandon him just as she abandoned her short stories.
She didn’t love him. Not the way he loved her, anyway. If she did, she could never do this. But she invited him over and asked for his advice and had no idea the misery it caused him. He’d been in love with her for four years and she never even realised. She missed the signs or ignored them altogether, and either way, it wasn’t right. Anyone could see the way he looked at her, but somehow, she never noticed.
“How’s this?” she asked, suddenly appearing once more wearing a silky red top. “Better, right?”
“Yeah, it’s um…can I talk to you for a second?” he asked, hoping his voice didn’t shake and give him away.
“Right now?” she asked incredulously. “I still need to do my hair and makeup, and I have to meet Jason in like, 45 minutes.”
“It won’t take long,” he assured her, trying not to physically react at the sound of the other guy’s name. “I just need to tell you something,” he added.
She sighed and gave him a look of irritation before taking a seat on the edge of the coffee table. “This better be important,” she warned him.
“Yeah, it’s…I went to New York today,” he blurted.
“What? When?” she asked in confusion.
“I didn’t have a doctor’s appointment. I wasn’t running errands. I was in New York meeting with Jan.”
“Jan,” she repeated in disbelief. “Jan from corporate? Our boss, Jan?”
“Yeah, um…she offered me a transfer, Kar.”
“What?!” she cried, her eyes growing wide. “You bastard! She gave you a promotion? I can’t believe you!”
“No, Kar, it’s not a promotion,” he shook his head. “It’s just a transfer. There’s a sales position open in Scranton, and I’m…going to take it.”
Karen just stared at him for a moment before speaking again. “Wait, this is a joke, right? You’re just kidding about this, aren’t you?”
He took a deep breath and dropped his eyes down to the carpet.
“You’re not. Oh my God. Scranton? You’re moving to Scranton?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I’m supposed to be there two weeks from Monday.”
“How long have you been thinking about this?” she asked incredulously. “How long have you known?”
“That’s not-”
“Why would you move to Scranton?” she asked before he could even finish. “You’ve heard the same stories I have. That place is a nuthouse, and Josh said they probably won’t last through the rest of the year!”
“I grew up in Scranton,” he defended himself weakly.
“Your family is in Allentown.”
“My parents moved to Allentown when I started college. I grew up in Scranton. I still have some good friends there.”
“Okay, so let me get this straight. You’re leaving here, a branch that actually has some hope, for no extra money and no incentive…because you have a few friends there. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, Halpert,” she huffed, obviously upset. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me about this.”
“It happened really fast, Karen,” he tried to assuage. “I called Jan yesterday, and-”
“Wait,” she cut him off. “You called her? This was your idea? Jesus, Jim! Why would you do that?”
“I just can’t stay in Stamford anymore,” he tried to explain. “I need a change.”
“Okay, well that’s understandable. You’re probably just burned out. But there’s no need to do something this drastic. Why don’t you take a trip to New York or go on vacation or something. Don’t move to Scranton!”
“I need more than a vacation,” he shook his head seriously.
Her frown deepened a little as she reached over to take his hand. “Hey,” she murmured quietly. “What is this really about? Are you okay?”
“Karen…”
“I’ll cancel my date. I’ll call him and postpone it. I want to know what’s going on here. You haven’t said a word about this and suddenly you’re moving to Scranton?” she asked, a hint of desperation entering her voice. “I don’t understand this.”
He wasn’t planning on telling her. He really wasn’t. Matt told him not to – with good reason – and he was going to take his brother’s advice. But as he looked her, saw the sadness and confusion in his eyes, he knew he couldn’t leave without telling her. Just once. He spent four years waiting, and for what? How could he run away without telling her the truth? How could he abandon her and his life here without taking one last chance, without laying everything on the line one time?
“Jim?” she asked in concern. “Jim, come on, what is this? Why are you leaving?”
“Because I’m in love with you, Karen,” he finally confessed, feeling the words slip off his tongue before he allowed himself to reconsider. He let out a long, slow breath and felt his chest grow lighter even as he realised nothing would ever be the same again. “I’ve been in love for about…four years now,” he continued quietly, finding solace in hearing the words spoken aloud. She sat there across from him, shell-shocked, but he couldn’t think about that now, couldn’t worry about her reaction. He needed to say this, needed to get it all out once and for all. “I know we’re friends, and I love that, but it’s not enough anymore. I haven’t been able to work, I can’t focus, can’t sleep.”
“Jim,” she breathed, raising a hand to her mouth as her eyes filled with tears.
“I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot to drop on you, but I…I needed you to know. Before I leave.”
“I thought we were having fun,” she shook her head, a few of the tears leaking out of her eyes. He realised it was the first time he’d ever seen her cry, and he wondered how he could know her so well all these years and never see her vulnerable or hurting until now. “I had no idea….”
“I know,” he nodded.
“I mean, did I ever lead you on? Did I ever do anything to indicate I might be…I just don’t understand where this is coming from.”
He could feel her tiny, delicate fingers crushing his heart, but he sucked up his pride and tried his hardest not to cry. Not now. Not in front of her. “You um…you didn’t lead me on,” he managed. “I was trying to be what you wanted, Karen. I knew you didn’t want complication or commitment, so I went along with it. But it’s not me, and I can’t do it anymore.”
“You’re my best friend, Jim,” she whispered, using his first name for the fourth time in the last ten minutes. Before tonight, he couldn’t even remember the last time she called him by anything other than his last name. She was trying to create the distance between them already, trying to soften the blow of her rejection.
“Don’t,” he shook his head. “You don’t have to do that.”
“But you are,” she insisted. “And I don’t want to lose that.”
“I can’t do it. I really wish I could,” he said honestly. “I wish I could just stay here and be your friend like I always have been, but I can’t. I can’t keep sitting here while you get ready for dates with other guys, and I can’t sit next to you at work and not want something more.”
“I…I don’t know what to say,” she answered helplessly. “You knew, Jim. You’ve always known what I wanted.”
“Yeah, I know,” he nodded again. “But it’s not just something I can turn off and on.”
“Okay, I’m going to go call Jason and tell him I can’t go out tonight, and we’re going to talk about this,” she decided, jumping up off the coffee table and grabbing for the phone. “We’ll talk about this and figure it out and you won’t have to go to Scranton.”
“Karen, please don’t,” he begged.
“No, we’re going to fix this,” she repeated adamantly. “We can fix this.”
“Karen, stop,” he commanded, rising from the couch and taking the phone out of her hands. He placed it back on the receiver and turned around to find her looking up at him with eyes glimmering with tears. Even crying she looked beautiful, and he couldn’t stop himself from dipping down to capture her lips in his. It wasn’t the first time he kissed her, but it was different than the other times, different than that first charged make-out session or the playful nips each time they wound up in bed together. This kiss was tinged with sadness, tainted with desperation and fear and the terrible knowledge that this was the last time they would be this close to one another. She didn’t yield to him this time, her body stiff and uncomfortable even though she responded eagerly to his lips. She didn’t want him to go, but she didn’t want him the way he needed in order to stay. “Kar,” he murmured, forcing himself to pull away. She reached for his shirt and tried to pull him back, but he just shook his head and took a step back. “I don’t want to do this.”
“You don’t have to leave,” she tried to argue.
“Unless you can tell me you want more, then yes, I do,” he countered. “Unless you can say you love me, I have to take this transfer and leave.”
“Jim…”
“It’s simple, Karen. I’m sorry it has to be like this, but I can’t take anymore.”
“I just…I can’t,” she shook her head. “You know that.”
He did, but as much as he prepared himself for this, the rejection still hurt more than he ever imagined. This was her saying no. This was her telling him it would never happen, she would never love him the way he loved her. This was four years of hopes and dreams disappearing. Maybe it should be comforting that this was tearing her apart, too. Maybe he should feel better knowing that she did care, that she didn’t want him to walk away, but it just wasn’t enough anymore. Their friendship was fun and great, and he would always be grateful for the good times they did have together, but he needed more. He needed more, and she couldn’t give it to him. “Yeah,” he sighed heavily, raising his hand to wipe away the stray tear threatening to leak from his eye. “I know.”
“So you’re really going to do this?” she asked miserably.
“Yeah, I’m really going to do this,” he confirmed. “I didn’t want to be a paper salesman, Karen. I never wanted this to be my career, and I’ve just…I’ve given up on everything. I need to get away and figure things out for myself.”
“I’m sorry, Jim,” she whispered.
“Not your fault. But um…I should go.”
“Are you sure? You can’t just have another drink with me? I don’t have to go out tonight. We can go get dinner or-”
“I need to go,” he repeated. “I’ll see you on Monday, though, okay?”
She nodded, but she didn’t say another word as he smiled sadly and then slipped out the door. It hit him when he closed the door that four years of his life were over, shattered by his confession and her subsequent rejection. Four years of hope ended with two words - I can’t. He hadn’t expected anything else, but expecting her rejection wasn’t even close to actually experiencing it. Now there really was nothing left for him in Stamford. At least for a while he’d been able to pretend it was just a waiting game, just a test of his patience before he received the reward, but his illusions were shattered, his heart broken, and his dreams brought back down to bitter reality.
Karen didn’t love him. Karen never had loved him. Worst of all, Karen never would love him. It wasn’t anything he’d done or anything he hadn’t done, just a simple fact of unrequited love. Just bad luck and the inevitable consequence of lying to himself. He tricked himself into believing he could change himself to be what she wanted, and in the end, it ruined everything. He wasn’t with her, and their friendship would never survive. He could say he wanted to keep in touch, but he knew he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t be able to look at her or talk to her without thinking of all the things he couldn’t have, and she would be so afraid of leading him on, of unintentionally giving him hope. They might talk a handful of times over the years, but it would be awkward, strained, uncomfortable.
His buzz should be gone after enduring the heartbreak of his life, but he still didn’t trust himself to drive his car right now. The spring breeze was chilly, but he welcomed the cold tonight, welcomed anything that distracted him from the misery churning in his stomach. He thought about calling his brother, but Matthew was having the best weekend of his life, and he couldn’t get in the way of that. Matt deserved a weekend to celebrate with his wife without worrying about his idiot little brother.
He probably shouldn’t have told her he was in love with her. He knew those five little words would ruin everything, but he couldn’t leave without knowing for sure. Matt told him not to do it, but he knew himself, and he spent years of his life convincing himself she could someday love him back. What was to stop him from doing it for another year? Or two years? Or ten? Without an answer, without that rejection, no matter how painful, he would have gone to Scranton and spent every night thinking of her. He might date other women, might develop a social life again and make friends and sign up for classes, but he would never get serious about anything. He would always be waiting for the phone call. He would always be hoping, dreaming, praying for her to come to her senses. And if she did, if she called him and asked him to come back, he would drop everything. He might have ruined their friendship by confessing his true feelings tonight, but he also bought himself a real chance to be happy someday.
Too bad that day seemed very, very far away. He couldn’t even remember the last time he felt this awful. Working beside her every day was a test in strength and endurance, but this feeling? This was absolute hell.
He’d never had his heart broken before. He’d never really been in love before Karen. As a college freshman, he thought he might be in love with Katy. She was beautiful and so much fun, and when his life felt adrift she was a place to pour all of his energy. Then one day it just stopped being fun. One day they weren’t just dating anymore and they were in a relationship. At first it seemed great. It seemed mature and grown up and maybe, just maybe, she was the one. But after a few months of that, he realised the work it took to stay together wasn’t worth the payoff. It sucked when they broke up, and of course he missed her for a few days, but a week or two later, he was over it. The pain was never as acute as it was now.
As he reached the beach, the wind began to pick up. He left his jacket in his car, so he wrapped his arms around himself and tried not to think of how ridiculous he looked standing on the beach in his work clothes and no jacket on a windy March evening. He felt tears stinging his eyes as he gazed out over the water, and this time he let them fall. He vowed not to cry in front of her, but he made no promises now that he was alone. Five years, he thought bitterly. Five years here, and what was it all for? He made no waves at Dunder Mifflin, attracted no attention to his job performance. There was really no chance for advancement within the company, and he wasn’t much of a propsect with any of their competitors, either. He’d been out of school for five years now, and his drive, his passion for something better had flickered out, replaced by apathy and weary acceptance of this dull existence.
I’m depressed, he realised suddenly. It was a startling thought, and nothing he ever contemplated before. Before Stamford – before Karen – he’d always been a relatively happy guy. He was the jokester of the family, the one who never took anything seriously. So when did he turn into this miserable guy crying alone on the beach? Pathetic, he thought in self-deprecation. She’s completely changed who you are.
Certain his buzz was dead now, he turned around and headed back to his car. He distantly wondered if she would call Jason and cancel the date or if she would seek comfort in the arms of another man tonight. The thought was more than he could bear, so he shook his head and tried to think of something else, to think of Scranton and new beginnings. Things will get better, he promised himself. Everything will get better in Scranton.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I really have no excuses for how long it has taken me to update. I totally intended to write more than I have, but hopefully I am back on track and can start posting this regularly. It will actually start to get interesting soon! Chapter title from "She Was Only In It For The Rain" by Rocky Votolato.
