Anecdote
So silent I when Love was by
He yawned, and turned away;
But Sorrow clings to my apron-strings,
I have so much to say.
-- Dorothy Parker
She can’t hear what Michael is saying, and truthfully she doesn’t care. She figures it’s something stupid or he’s probably taking more credit for work she did. Today has been a terrible day (it‘s gonna take something big to fix that now). All she wants to do is go home and curl up with “The Princess Bride.”
Where is her Westley?
As she bends down to feel the warmth of the coals, she figures it doesn’t matter. Maybe sometimes Buttercup never finds her Westley… and maybe that’s okay. She doesn’t know what the future holds for her anymore… and maybe that’s okay, too. She thought she knew what her life was going to be like - a husband, a house, a job she hated, maybe kids someday. It didn’t all sound perfect, but she saw some happiness in it. She’s not quite sure what she sees now. She only ever manages to get as far as “tomorrow” and she hardly ever manages to see any happiness in that.
It isn’t just because she loves him. She does, she knows that now, but it’s more than him now. It’s herself and how she’s always been half fulfilled. She’s spent so much time giving in to other people that her glass is only half full. She’s always been half. She’s spent years being half of something; she hasn’t been wholly her own since sophomore year of high school.
She supposes now is as good a time as any to figure out who she is. Maybe this should have happened sooner. Maybe if she had finished college this revelation would have come sooner, but she can’t dwell on that. She’s working on becoming complete… but the trouble is: how will she know when she’s done? How do you know when you’ve figured yourself out?
She’s willing to start taking all the risks. Even if it hurts, she’ll do it for the experience and how it makes her feel inside. She has to know. She has to let them know. She has to let him know. But, most of all, she herself needs to know. She’s on the way to knowing herself. She's finally finding all of the pieces to the puzzle. She’s so scared of putting herself together, but God, isn’t that just so beautiful in itself?
She can feel the coals warming her toes and takes a deep breath. The Pam Beesly that exists on this side of the coal walk is not the same Pam Beesly that will exist on the other side of it.
She thinks “As you wish” before she steps over the hot coals.
