Pam

Shit.  My neck hurts.  Where the hell am I?  The couch... why am I on the couch?  Oh.  Last night.  The casino thing.  Jim.

It wasn't a dream.  He kissed me.  I kissed him.  Oh crap.  What have I done?  How am I going to look Roy in the face this morning?

Uh-oh, he's up.  Quick, pretend to be asleep.  Maybe he'll just let me be.

"Pammy, what're you doing out here?"

I can't keep my eyes shut.  Pretend like nothing's wrong.

"Oh hey.  I didn't want to wake you last night."  Liar.

"What time did you get in?"

"I'm not sure.  It was late."  Tell him you have to pee.  "I have to pee."  Run to the bathroom.  Don't look at him.

He's calling after me.  "You're going to be late for work.  Do you want me to wait for you?"

"No, go ahead.  I'll see you later, okay?"

"Okay.  Love you."  The door shut.  Thank God.  Now what do I do?  How can I go to work now?  Jim will be there.  Oh shit.  I think I'm going to throw up.

Get a hold of yourself.  It will be fine.  Just pretend like it didn't happen.  Deep breaths.

I need a shower.  I'll feel better after a shower.

Ah, the water feels good.  You know what else feels good?  Kissing Jim.  I wonder what it would have been like if - no, get your mind out of the gutter.  You just cheated on your fiance.  Oh my God, I am a hussy.  Angela was right all along.  What the hell is wrong with me?

Dry off.  Get dressed.  Dry off.  Get dressed.  Don't think, just do it.

Where the hell are the stupid keys? 

I hate this car.  I need my own car, not this piece of shit that Roy will never get rid of.  I hate this car.

Jim's car's not here.  He's later than I am.  What if he calls in sick?  I have to talk to him.  No, I can't talk to him.  What do I say?  Oh God.  I may pass out.  I am shaking.

He's not here.  Why isn't he here?  Wait, there's the door.  Oh, it's just Michael.  Pretend to be busy.

"Pam and cheese sandwich!  Did you enjoy yourself last evening?"

If only he knew what he was asking me.  Just shut up, Michael.  "Yeah, it was fun."  Pick up the phone.  Pretend there's a call.  "Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam."  He looks confused.  Don't worry; he'll forget about it in five minutes.

Where is Jim?  Why isn't he here yet?  Stop biting your nails, that's disgusting.  He should be at his desk.  Oh my God, his desk.  What if I hadn't made him stop?  I would have had sex with him right on his desk, right there.  Shut up, you're being stupid.  Of course you wouldn't have.  That would make you a slut, and you're only a hussy. 

But... maybe?  No, don't even think about it.  You're marrying Roy.  You're in love with Roy.  Right?  Right?  Am I?  Am I still in love with Roy?  I can't even tell right now.

I'm in love with Jim.  No, you have to stop thinking that way.  But I am.  Oh my God.  I'm in love with Jim.

Where the hell is he?

Okay so he's not coming in today.  He just needs the weekend.  I'll talk to him on Monday.  But what do I say?  You have to pretend like it didn't happen.  That's the only way.  You can't be in love with him.  It's just a stupid... crush or whatever but you can't be in love with him.

Michael and his stupid announcements.  He looks upset.  What is he talking about?  Something about Jim?  What?

"What?"

"I said Jim has decided to leave our family and move to Stamford's family.  He won't be coming back."

No.  That can't be true.  He would have told me.  He would have - fuck.  This can't be happening.  I have to get out of here.  I need to... I can't breathe. 

Just get yourself outside.  Don't let anyone see you cry.

What have I done?


-----

Jim

"Dude, wake up!"

What the hell?  Leave me alone.  Oh, it's Mark.

"Jim, you're sleeping under the coffee table."  What?  I am not - Shit!  My head.  Ouch.  Oh crap, he's right.

"Hey."  Way to act nonchalant.

"What the hell happened?  Did you drink this right from the bottle?"  He found the vodka.

"Uh yeah.  Rough night."  She kissed me back. 

"I'll say.  I thought you were dead under there."  I wish I was.  Now go away.  Good, he seems to have heard me.

Now what the fuck do I do?

First thing is get a shower.  Then take some aspirin.  Then call Jan and finalize that fucking transfer and get out of this place once and for all.  Ow!  Okay, maybe aspirin first.

I am such an idiot.  Why did you have to go ahead and kiss her?  She said no; why put yourself in the position for her to say no again?  Idiot.  I should have just told her I was leaving.  Oh shit.  I really fucked this up.  I can't ever go back there.  I can't face her.  I can't watch her get married.  I have to leave.

Damn it.  Mark must have used up all the hot water.  Asshole.  I'm not having a roommate in Stamford.  See, there.  It's okay to think about it.  You'll be fine.

Call Jan. 

"Oh hi Jim.  I didn't expect to hear from you so soon."

"I'm just calling to formally accept the offer, if that's okay."

"Sure!  That's great.  Josh will be so pleased.  How soon do you think you could start?  Next month?"

"Actually, I'd like to start sooner.  I'd actually like to be out of Scranton as soon as possible."  Don't make it sound like it's Michael.  "Just for... personal reasons.  I can take my vacation days - "

She's saying something about a week off for moving and whatever.  Just act like you're listening.  "Uh-huh."

She kissed me back.  She said she wanted to kiss me.  I know she felt it too.  I know it.  No, you're wrong, you stupid shit.  She doesn't feel the same.  The sooner you get that, the sooner this whole thing can be over with.

She'll never feel the same.