September, 2006
Jim sat alone in his apartment, cracking open a fresh beer. He flicked his TV on. It was set to ESPN, the only channel that didn’t remind him of Pam. He hated Stamford. It just wasn’t far enough. Sure, he loved his view from his new office, but seeing the ocean just reminded him of Pam. He couldn’t help but imagine walking the shoreline hand in hand with Pam.
He looked up, and saw highlights of the Red Sox versus Yankees game. Damn, A-Rod. Jim pointed his remote to the television, and began switching through the channels. He stopped when he saw Kate Winslett with green hair. “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” was on. He used to love this movie. He watched as Jim Carrey and Kate Winslett lay together on a frozen lake, and began to think to himself. What if I could just erase Pam from my memories?
“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” was on when Pam turned on the TV after coming home from work. There were still a lot of things to unpack, but she was exhausted from work. Who knew that planning a bird funeral would be so exhausting?
Pam remembered two years back when Jim had recommended this movie to her. He tried to explain what it was about, but she didn’t get it. She remembered renting the movie, and watching it with Roy. Roy hated it, and he left Pam to watch the movie by herself, as he went to a bar. Pam remembered feeling heartbroken watching Joel struggling to keep the memories of Clementine in his head. She loved this movie, but now, she found herself wishing that she could forget about Jim.
Jim was staring at his television, but he wasn’t paying attention. What if he could forget about Pam, he wondered watching Kate Winslett and Jim Carrey arguing on the television. That would really make life a lot easier. He could look out his office window freely without thinking of Pam. He could imagine that he was walking along the shorelines with someone else. But who? Who was as great as Pam? Who else could make him laugh with so little effort? Who else would look as cute as she did while eating mixed berry yogurt? Who would he imagine playing pranks on Dwight with?
This was stupid. Pam was hundreds of miles away. She was three months away. He put it all on the line for her. Twice. And she rejected him…twice. Jim cracked open another beer, wanting to change the channel, but he couldn’t.
Why did she ever say those three words?
“Jim…I can’t…”
Sure she could. She always wanted to. She had always imagined leaving Roy for Jim…but why couldn’t she? The nine years she spent with Roy, putting her dreams on hold for him, rarely laughing with him, and rarely feeling happy with him were a blur. The only clarity in Pam’s mind was Jim. There wasn’t a day that went by where she didn’t see Jim, sitting at his old desk, with his chin resting on his hand, smiling up at her, and saying hi.
“Is there any risk of brain damage?” Jim Carrey asked.
“Well, technically speaking, this operation *is* brain damage. But it’s on par with a night of heavy drinking, nothing you will miss…”
Pam stared at the television, blinking. Thinking back to the night at the Dundies, stealing Jim’s drink…stealing Terri’s drink…kissing Jim…and she realizes that she misses that night. She misses those days. She misses the pranks, and she misses having lunch with Jim. She misses laughing with Jim. She misses him terribly, and she just wants to forget.
“Our files are confidential Mr. Barish so we can't show you any evidence. Suffice it to say, Miss Kruczynski was not happy and she wanted to move on. We provide that possibility.” Jim heard the doctor in the movie saying.
If only there was a possibility. Jim wanted out. Pam kept burning in his mind’s eye. He remembered Michael and Dwight’s fight. How he convinced Pam to get them to fight each other…how he promised her a bag of French Onion Sunchips. He remembered lifting her off of her feet, and the sound of her laughter…and then…the laughter stopped.
“PUT ME DOWN!”
He took it too far then, and he took it too far four months ago. Kissing her? God, he was an idiot. What was he thinking? Did he really think she was going to leave Roy for him? What a damn waste of time…
“God, I wish this procedure was for real…” Jim said out loud.
“Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours,” Kate Winslett said.
Jim always made her complete. He never expected her to fix him, or help him. He was always there…helping her. Making her laugh when she was sad, giving her his jacket whenever she was cold…
“The jacket…” Pam said, getting off her couch.
She rushed over to her purse, and pulled out her wallet. It couldn’t be Jim…no…it just couldn’t be. Pam remembered her first date with Roy…getting left at a hockey game. She remembered the boy who lent her his jacket. She remembered his goofy smile, his messy hair, and his eyes. She remembered him making her laugh, and making her feel better. Could it be Jim?
And then she found what she was looking for…Jim’s high school photo.
“Holy shit…”
“Hi, I'm Clementine, can I have a piece of chicken?” Jim heard Kate Winslett asking.
“Then you just took it. It was so intimate. It was like we were already lovers.” Jim Carrey said.
Jim remembered how a week after he first started Dunder Mifflin, Pam reached across the lunch table and took a Doritos chip from him. She didn’t ask…she just took it. He remembered how she gave him a smile and wink as she popped the chip in her mouth, and how she thanked him. Jim smiled to himself.
Pam looked at the picture again. She couldn’t believe that it was a teenaged Jim that night giving her his jacket outside the hockey rink. She couldn’t believe that even when they were teenagers Jim was able to make her feel better…with such ease. She wasn’t very courageous, but Jim always brought it out of her. The way she stood up to Roy when she called off the wedding, telling Roy that he’s been holding her back for the last nine or so years. She told Roy that he never supported her art, and she walked away…with Roy unable to give her an explanation. She didn’t need one. She was thinking of Jim the whole time. But Jim had gone, and she was too late.
“Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?”
“I’m sorry…”
“It’s Okay.”
“Joely? What if you stayed this time?”
What if Jim had stayed? Pam wondered, holding Jim’s high school picture. What if Jim had never left Scranton? Would things be so different for her?
If Jim had stayed, Pam never would have realized. She hated herself for not being able to realize sooner. Now Jim was gone…far away from her, and he wasn’t returning her phone calls.
“I walked out the door…there’s no memory left.”
“Come back and make up a goodbye at least…pretend we had one.”
He should have said goodbye to Pam. He should have explained to her…but just like Jim Carrey in “Eternal Sunshine,” Jim was too much of a coward. Jim brought his hands up to his face, and was surprised to see that he had been crying. Tears were falling down his face, and he never even realized.
He wondered what Pam was doing now. He had heard her countless voice mails telling him that she broke the wedding off with Roy, but he had never heard what he wanted to hear.
“It would be different, if we could just…give it another go around.”
“Remember me. Try your best; maybe we can.”
Jim looked up at his screen to see the two protagonists kissing. He realized that he couldn't just erase Pam from his life. He needed her, and if he couldn't be there with her, then he needed memories of her. Even the ones that broke his heart.
Pam sat on the floor crying, still holding Jim's high school photo in her hand. She no longer knew what to do. She wishes that she could just tell Jim how sorry she was. She picked up her phone, and dialed Jim's number.
"We're sorry, but the number you have dialed is no longer in service."
"Damn it!" she screamed, as she began to sob harder, throwing her phone in frustration.
Just then, her phone rang. Pam wiped her eyes, and hurried over to her phone.
"Hello?"
"Hey...it's Jim."
"Oh my god, Jim!"
"You're not going to guess what movie I just watched, Beesly," Jim said. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind!"
"No way! I just saw that movie too!" Pam exclaimed.
Jim chuckled. "Yeah...it's a great movie...but...I just wanted to call you to let you know...that...I miss you."
Author's Chapter Notes:
Jim's in Stamford, wishing that all he could do is forget about Pam. Pam finally remembers who the boy from the hockey rink was.
Spoilers for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If you haven't seen that movie, I recommend that you watch it.
No infringement intended...both for The Office and Eternal Sunshine....
Spoilers for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. If you haven't seen that movie, I recommend that you watch it.
No infringement intended...both for The Office and Eternal Sunshine....
