B.I. #115 02-06
Scranton PA
I loved her.
Q.
This one looked a bit like her, a flashier, perkier, obviously into me version and not that I was really thinking about it consciously or planned it in any way, in one of those random ‘what if?” and “why not?” flashes of brilliance I asked her out. We dated. We had fun. Guys told me how lucky I was to have her and even envied me dating a cheerleader. They wanted to be me. I didn’t. She wasn’t her and I wanted to be with her but she was with him.
My heart broke and my spirit shattered. I dumped the one I was with who wasn’t her, could never be her.
Dumped her on a Booze Cruise…in Pennsylvania…in the middle of a lake…in January…
B.I. #215 06-07
Scranton PA
I told her I was in love with her. I kissed her. She kissed me back even though she couldn’t. She was going to marry him anyway.
Q.
I couldn’t be there. I ran.
I ran as far as a man with a shattered heart could run and still remain whole and functioning. I ran to a place she wasn’t and into arms that were nothing like hers. She was the opposite of her and I convinced myself I would be able to forget and start over. She was beautiful, strong, ambitious, fun and she was really into me. I could do this, I could be someone else. Without really thinking about it, I let her believe I was someone else. When I decided to go back to my old world, the world I couldn’t be in and ran away from, she came with me because she thought I was someone else and I let her – I wanted it to be true and I needed her to make it true. When I got there I let her believe I was happy being someone else with someone else. I wasn’t but the pretending felt good and I started to believe. Seeing her hurt the way did felt good too…for awhile.
She liked the someone else me and made me even more someone else, someone else who was going places and being more, it was exciting and I thought I could do it, be happy not being ME…with her.
Then she said she missed ME and I knew I missed ME too. I missed her more.
My heart healed and my spirit soared.
The someone else I’d become left her ...crying…in New York city …by a fountain…without a ride home so the ME I was could run to HER.