She stood staring at herself in the mirror, smoothing her hands over the slick fabric, wishing she had something other than the blue dress to wear tonight.  She’d even called her mother in desperation, asking if she had anything Pam could borrow.

“Why don’t you wear the blue dress that you wore in Amy’s wedding, sweetheart?” Her mom had asked. “That’d be perfect for an evening wedding.”

Pam couldn’t bring herself to admit that she was afraid to wear it because she hadn’t worn it since Casino Night.

She’d put her hair up in an effort to look different than the way she had that night, but she still felt that anxiety in the pit of her stomach. 

She couldn’t have articulated why she was so nervous about attending Phyllis’s wedding.  Jim would be there, obviously, but they’d been working together again for a few weeks now and had established a dynamic that was tenuous but was at least something.  

Yet the prospect of going to this wedding had been gnawing at her all week.

She shrugged it off, glancing in the mirror one final time before she scooped up her clutch and walked out the door.

_______________________________________________________________________

“You sure you don’t want to come with me?” Jim asked, standing at the mirror tying his tie and casting a glance at Jonathan’s reflection behind him.  Jonathan was reclined on his bed looking at a magazine.

“Wow, that’s such a tempting offer….” Jon grinned at him.

“You suck.” Jim retorted.

Jonathan laughed, then said, “Seriously, why would I have any interest in going to this wedding?  I don’t know either one of them!”

“Whatever.” Jim rolled his eyes, then said smugly, “If you want to stay single all your life, that’s your business.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Jonathan was confused.

“You know what they say – weddings are the best place to meet women.” Jim tried to keep a straight face, but he couldn’t pull it off.

Jonathan laughed at him, saying, “Such sagely wisdom.  I think I’ll pass anyway.  But if you see somebody you think would be good for me, get her number….and hey, tell her I’m dreamy.”

Jim was shaking his head, chuckling as he said, “For the last time, Jon….just because your friend’s fourteen year-old girl daughter told her mom she thinks you’re dreamy does not mean that you are.”

“Oh yeah?” Jonathan crossed his arms. “So what constitutes ‘dreamy’ then?”

Jim blinked a few times in response, then said, “I’m sorry – are we really having this conversation?  Like….seriously?”

Jonathan squinted, then said, “Yeah, you’re right - wow.”

Jim laughed, slinging his jacket over his shoulder as he reached for his keys, then called out a hasty goodbye over his shoulder. 

“I’m not waiting up!” Jonathan called after him, prompting Jim to stop in the doorway, shaking his head as he laughed.

“I’m thinking you won’t have to!”

________________________________________________________________________

She didn’t know whether to be relieved or frustrated when Stanley, his daughter, and his wife all slid into the pew next to her.  She’d been hoping that Jim would come in soon, see her, and sit with her.

But then, she wasn’t sure she could get through the ceremony sitting next to him.

It was hard enough seeing him at work every day, pretending to feel nothing for him other than friendship.

She wondered if this was what it had been like for him all those years that he’d pined for her.  She also wondered if she was as transparent as he had been….once upon a time.

Because these days, she wasn’t picking up on anything more than a purely platonic vibe from him. 

The first time they’d been face-to-face had been awkward…painfully awkward, but they’d managed to talk their way through it, around it.

_____________________________________________________________________

Josh had been the first person she’d met from the Stamford branch.  He was to be Michael’s equivalent, a sort of co-regional manager.

Michael had been warning them all about him for weeks, ever since the news of the merger had broken.

“I’m telling you guys.” He’d shaken his head as they all sat around the conference room table. “He’s worse than Martha Stewart.”

Dwight was nodding emphatically, but all Pam could do was exchange a quizzical look with Ryan.

She wanted to ask what that meant, but thought better of it.

He’d made a fairly nice first impression – met her eyes, extended his hand, and introduced himself, saying, “I’m Josh – you must be Pam.”

“I am.” She felt a slight flush on her cheeks as she shook his hand, because she hadn’t expected him to be so good-looking.

“So I guess it’s a big day, eh?” He’d asked, flashing her a charming smile that made her flush deepen.

Wow, he’s so handsome that it’s a little unnerving, she found herself thinking. 

He small-talked with her for a few more minutes before he went into the conference room, leaving her feeling flushed and a little flustered.

She was less caught off guard at the fact that he was so gorgeous than she was at her reaction to him; ever since the failed blind date, she’d worried that she was just incapable of finding other men attractive.

She was immediately relieved, thinking, Oh my god – Jim’s coming back today, and I’m attracted to his boss!  So maybe I can handle this after all….

No sooner had she thought that than Jim had appeared, talking animatedly with the woman who walked in with him.

All Pam could do was stare, her mouth literally agape.

He’d lost a little weight in his face, and there was something slightly different about his hair. He was wearing a suit, jacket and all, and he just looked….amazing. 

It was as if God had a horrific sense of humor.

She couldn’t even compose herself for a moment, just stood there staring at him.

When he finally did glance her way, she saw something uncertain flicker in his eyes for the briefest of moments, then he gave her a wide smile and said, “Hey, Pam, how are you?”

How are you?  …. As if all the were to each other was former co-workers.

As if nothing had transpired between them four months ago.

As if he hadn’t told her he was in love with her; as if he hadn’t pulled her to him and kissed her right in this very room.

It occurred to her then that the woman standing next to Jim probably wouldn’t have believed it if Pam had told her about their history.

She felt lonely suddenly, a lump in her throat.

“I’m good, Jim, thanks.” She nodded, eyes lowering to her desk.

“Good, that’s good….” His voice trailed off awkwardly, then he gestured to the woman beside him.

“This is Karen, by the way.” He turned to give Karen a smile, then said, “Karen, this is Pam; she’s the receptionist here.”

“Nice to meet you.” Karen extended a hand toward Pam, who couldn’t help but notice how incredibly pretty she was; there was an exotic quality to her, despite the cool eyes and firm handshake.

Pam wondered if Jim found her attractive.

He’d said something then about finding Josh, then he and Karen had disappeared into the conference room.

________________________________________________________________________

He’d taken a seat on one of the pews in the back, his eyes having roved over the guests and immediately spotted Pam in a pew closer to the front, sitting with Stanley and his family.

All he could see was the back of her head and the slightest glimpse of her profile.  Her hair was up in a twist of some sort, her neck exposed, the sight of it making him feel a little weak.

He was relieved to slide into the pew by himself, was happy when Oscar and Gil appeared and sat next to him.

Because to have sat next to her listening to another couple exchange vows, sealing a lifelong commitment, would’ve been too much.

He couldn’t help but feel a twinge of pain and envy when, after the ceremony began, Gil’s hand reached for Oscar’s, clutching it tight; they’d exchanged a glance that had cut Jim to the core, because he understood that look so well.

….Wished he could be exchanging it with Pam right now; wished he could be with Pam the way that Oscar was with Gil instead of forcing himself to just exchange silly jokes with her, the occasional banter….nothing of any significance or import.

He’d done a fine job of appearing to feel nothing for her anymore ever since he’d transferred back, and he knew it. 

He wished he could be proud of himself for it, but he just couldn’t.

He felt empty, like a fraud….like he was living a lie, or perhaps just living in the shell of what his life could really be, if only…..

If only.

________________________________________________________________________

He’d pretended to be engaged in conversation with Karen on his first day back at the Scranton branch, knowing that it was going to shake him to see Pam again for the first time since that night. 

He’d tried to prepare himself for it as best he could, thinking that if he walked in there fully expecting to be shaken by the sight of her, then maybe he wouldn’t be quite so much.

He realized as soon as his eyes rested on her face that there was no way he could’ve prepared himself for this.

She was wearing his favorite pink shirt, the one that brought a tinge to her cheeks that was so much like the glow she got when she was laughing.

Even though he’d promised himself he wouldn’t think about it anymore, as soon as his eyes rested on her, he thought of those moments when she’d been in his arms – the way her lips had moved so impatiently against his own, her hands sinking into his hair as if she’d been waiting for this for such a long time.

….The way she’d seemed unable to turn her eyes from his when she confirmed that yes, she’d wanted to kiss him for such a long time, too.

Her skin had been so incredibly soft, her fingers the equivalent of a delicate whisper as she squeezed his hands one final time just before he let go.

“Hey, Pam, how are you?” He forced himself to ask, wondering if he managed to pull off sounding nonchalant.

His heart had sunk when she’d looked away from him, when the awkwardness had just been nightmarish.

________________________________________________________________________

They sat through the painfully long staff meeting that morning on opposite sides of the room, each aching and miserable.

When it was over, he’d gone into the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee, only to find her standing there filling the teapot he’d given her with water.

Her eyes had fled guiltily from his when he’d walked in; something in his chest constricted at the sight of the teapot….at the realization that she still had it.

That she knew now what he’d wanted to say when he gave it to her – what he hadn’t said until almost six months later.

“So listen….” He forced himself to say, leaning against the counter, searching for the words.

She was looking up at him with wide eyes, wondering what he was about to say….praying he’d say he still wanted her, that he wanted them to try to find their way back to each other.

It was a completely stupid wish, and she knew it.

He forced himself to raise his eyes to hers, ignoring the ache that settled in his chest, weighed heavily in his stomach.

“Obviously we have to work together again, and I just….” He took in a deep breath. “It doesn’t have to be like this – awkward, I mean.”

She nodded, not sure what else to do.

He went on.

“Because….seriously, Pam, as far as I’m concerned….it’s all in the past.” He couldn’t look at her as he said it, then forced himself to turn his eyes to her face.

She worried that she might actually burst into tears right there in front of him.  Her teeth were clenched with the effort it took not to betray any emotion.

He was watching her as if waiting for her reaction.

So she nodded, saying, “Okay.”

“I mean….we can be friends like we were before, if that’s what you want.” He heard himself saying, hating himself for saying it.

 He added quickly, “I mean, obviously we can’t be as….close as we used to be, but that doesn’t mean….”

Why not? She wanted to ask. Why can’t we be more than that?  Because I’m ready now; I want that so much….I want you so much. 

He was watching her carefully, then decided to just be honest – as honest as he could be under the circumstances.

“Pam, it’s just…..” Again he pulled in a breath. “It doesn’t have to be this way.  I don’t have any hard feelings at all; it’s really….okay now.”

She nodded, taking that to mean that he was telling her he was over her, that he’d managed to move on in the months they’d spent apart.

She couldn’t look at him, was so afraid she would betray what she was really thinking, what she was really feeling.

And she had no right to do that to him now, now that he’d moved on and was doing so well.

“Hey….” He was watching her carefully. “Are you okay?”

She forced herself to raise her eyes to his, nodding bravely.

When he looked at her cautiously, she said quietly, “No, I’m okay, really; it’s just….a little weird, that’s all.”

“Tell me about it.” He murmured, prompting her to laugh.

He chuckled with her, and for that brief moment, all seemed well.

“So, Beesley….” He tilted his head at her, and she felt something deep in her stomach drop, felt the knot in her throat growing more pronounced.

“We’re good?” He asked, adding, “Friends?”

She thought she would absolutely fall to the floor in a sobbing heap when he extended a hand to her.

But she forced herself to take it, ignoring the visceral shock that went through her at his touch as she said, “Friends.”

“All right, then.” He gave her one last smile, then turned and walked away, leaving her staring after him.

It occurred to him as he walked out the door that that was the second time he’d looked her in the face in that kitchen and lied to her about what he really felt.

________________________________________________________________________

Those moments broke the ice enough for them to start joking again, but the distance between them remained.

It made her feel desperate, the haze of indifference that colored his expression now, kept her at bay.

He made her laugh, still obviously took pleasure in amusing her, but he didn’t give her those heartbreaking looks anymore.

And if he was nursing a broken heart, he damned sure didn’t show it.

He, in turn, found himself wondering what the hell she was thinking now.

Because he could have sworn he felt her eyes on his face whenever he wasn’t looking; he was certain there was a sadness in her that he recognized, that was incredibly familiar to him.

Both felt powerless to do anything about it, the deafening silence that opened a chasm between them.