It was as if everything in Michael and Holly’s condo faded away. There was only Pam. She stood there, still wearing a shocked expression. Slowly, her expression softened. Pam was smiling now.
“Oh my God! Jim!” exclaimed Pam, rushing over to me, embracing me in a hug. I breathed in her hair…it still smelled the same. She still felt the same…so familiar, so warm. At that moment, it was as if all the blanks that were missing in my life were filling in.
“He’s my god too, Beesly,” I joked. I felt her arms around me loosen. Pam let out a laugh.
“Wow…Jim! It’s been so long!” said Pam, stepping back to examine me. “Didn’t you turn out to be one dapper fella?”
“Well, you’ve grown into quite the beautiful woman, but yes. I am pretty dapper, aren’t I?” I joked again. Wow, I really need to cool it with the lame jokes. But Pam laughed again.
“So how have you been?” we asked at the same time, letting out an awkward chuckle.
“Pretty good,” we both replied. More awkward laughter.
Pam’s eyes started to shift toward Holly.
“Wow, you’re getting huge, Holly!”
“Yeah…I feel like a whale. Pretty soon Green Peace is going to try to send me back into the ocean,” laughed Holly. “Well, dinner’s pretty much ready…I just have to do a couple of things. I’ll be back.”
“Oh, I’ll come with you,” said Pam. She turned to me and added, “We should catch up after dinner, yeah?”
“Sure…yeah, that sounds good,” I stammered. Pam gave me another smile and followed Holly into the kitchen. I turned to Michael who was wearing a smile fit for a victor.
“Surprise, Jimbo!”
“You should have told me that Pam was in town, man…” Michael shook his head.
“Every time I do, you always bail, man. Do the kids still say bail? I really want to be the cool dad…”
“I don’t bail,” I protested. “It’s bad timing whenever Pam comes to town. I’m usually busy…”
“Busy with what? Watching ECPN?”
“ESPN,” I corrected him. Michael shook his head again, and led me to the garage.
“Man time,” said Michael, “just you and me, big guy.”
Michael walked over to the refrigerator next to his new Sebring (who knew that Chrysler would still be in business in 2018?), and grabbed two beers.
“Pam’s looking really good, eh, Jim?” asked Michael, handing me a beer.
“Dude, it’s been like ten years,” I said, cracking open my beer. “I’m pretty sure she’s moved on. Hell, even I moved on.”
As I said that, I secretly hoped that Pam had never moved on. I imagined her crying at night, whispering/pleading for me to come and save her from her chasm of loneliness. Michael popped that button in an instant.
“So you’re happy with Karen?”
To kill time, I sipped my beer. Like I said before, Karen was safe.
“Yeah,” I lied. “I guess I am.”
“I call bullshit, sir!” Michael exclaimed loudly, hitting one of the fingers of his hand chair. “Karen is hot, but she is boring! Plus, Pam’s got huge knockers, man! Well, Karen does look pretty good from behind, but—”
“Okay, well, good talk, Michael,” I said, getting up. Michael lunged for my arm, causing me to spill most of my beer onto my shirt. “Damn it, Michael!”
“That’s a crappy shirt anyway,” shrugged off Michael. “At least try to get back with Pam.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re boring now. I mean, you were pretty boring even back when we were kids, but god, being in a room with you is like being in a hospital. Sick people, Jim! I hate sick people!”
Before I could retort, Holly called for us.
“Come on, guys! Dinner’s ready!”
We walked back into the condo. I knew Michael wanted to say more, but I didn’t want to hear it. It was bad enough that I agreed with him, I didn’t need to hear him talking about how boring I was now. In fact, I thought as I sat down at the dining table across from Pam, I am boring now. I looked down at my plate, and grimaced. Holly made her pot roast. Imagine stuffing a bag of unseasoned beef jerky into your mouth, and that’s what Holly’s pot roast is.
“This looks great,” I lied, smiling over at Holly.
“Thank you, Jim! I’m pretty sure there’ll be plenty leftover for you to take home with you,” smiled Holly.
“I can’t wait,” I muttered, and to my surprise, Pam giggled softly.
“So Pam,” said Michael, his mouth full of the dried beef. “How are things in New York? Jim, did you know Pam lives in New York? It’s only a few hours drive…”
I looked up at him, and fervently shook my head. Holly copied me, but Michael’s attention was on Pam.
“New York is great,” said Pam. “Some of my work was featured at the art museum.”
“Really? That’s awesome! Jim over here has been selling paper like nobody’s business!” said Michael. “Maybe after dinner you guys can go out, and have a couple of drinks!”
I was ready to stab Michael in the neck with my fork, but Pam smiled at me.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” said Pam. My heart stopped. “What about you, Jim? We could catch up…”
“What? No, I mean, yeah,” I stammered. “That sounds great!”
I quickly focused all of my attention on cutting my leather boot-like slab of pot roast. There was an elated feeling in my chest, and I wanted to cry up to the heavens in joy. I was so elated that I didn’t even notice Holly silently mouthing words to Michael, and I didn’t even notice Michael’s smile beginning to falter.
*****
“Thanks for dinner, Holly,” Pam said, holding up a hundred pound plastic container filled with half of the leftover pot roast. “These will make excellent sandwiches for lunch tomorrow!”
“No problem, Pam,” said Holly, giving Pam a tight hug. “I’ll see you in a couple of days, all right?”
“Definitely,” smiled Pam. She turned to give Michael a hug. “See you later, Michael.”
“Bye-bye, Pam!” called out Michael. “You guys have fun!”
“Later, Holly,” I said, giving Holly a hug. “Thank you for the dinner and the leftovers.”
“No problem,” said Holly, giving me a strange look. It was almost sympathetic.
“Bye, Jimbo!” called Michael as Pam and I began to walk down the driveway.
Pam and I both turned to give Michael and Holly one final wave, and watched as they both went back into their condo. We stood at the sidewalk for what could have been hours, and Pam broke the silence.
“So should I drive or do you want to…?”
“Um…I guess I should drive, unless you object?” Who still says that?
“No, I don’t,” smiled Pam. “Do you want to know a secret?”
“Yeah, why not?” My imagination ran wild once more. Pam was telling me that she never got over me, and she wanted me to drive her back to my apartment so that we could make beautiful babies together.
“I’m still hungry,” said Pam, my bubble popping once again. “I just didn’t have the heart to tell a pregnant woman that I didn’t want to eat a thirty pound hunk of beef jerky…”
I laughed.
“Well, what are you in the mood for?”
Please say that she’s in the mood for me…just the two of us, in my bedroom, making hot, passionate love with each other.
“Um…to be honest, I really missed burgers that didn’t cost 30 dollars,” smiled Pam. “Honestly, New York has great food, but who wants to pay 30 bucks for a cheeseburger?”
“All right! Burgers it is then!” I said, opening up the passenger door for Pam. As she stepped in, she smiled up at me once more.
“Still opening doors for girls?”
“Only the pretty ones,” I blurted out. Although it was pretty dark outside, I can see Pam’s cheeks beginning to flush under the moonlight. I hoped to all that is holy that it was a good blush, not the ‘oh my Jesus, this guy is creepy!’ kind of blushing. I gently shut her door, and rushed over to the driver’s side.
The drive was pretty quiet. Actually it was really quiet, apart from Pam teasing me about how I still listen to the band Brand New after all these years. Occasionally, we would steal glances at each other, and I could have sworn that I saw Pam fidgeting around with her hands. Out of fear of crashing into a telephone pole to our bloody deaths, I didn’t check to see why she was fidgeting with her hands. Maybe she was just nervous? I know for sure that I was. What do you say to someone you haven’t talked to for years?
“I heard you were expelled while I was in Paris,” Pam finally said, breaking the silence.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Who told you?”
“Holly e-mailed me when it happened. I’m sorry that it did…”
“It’s not your fault,” I shrugged. “I should have made friends with better kids…”
“Yeah, well…it’s still unfortunate,” said Pam.
“It’s in the past,” I really hated talking about that time in my life. “So uh…I got your book.”
“You’re probably the only one,” laughed Pam.
“What are you talking about? I know you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but Jesus, Pam! I was poking around Borders one day, and I saw the book. I bought it right away,” I told her. “I didn’t even know that it was your artwork! It’s really amazing stuff!”
“Thanks, Jim,” said Pam softly. “It means a lot that you liked it…”
“Loved it,” I corrected. “It’s on my coffee table, and whenever I’m feeling down, I just flip through the pages, through your paintings, and it makes me feel better. One time, Michael put his beer on top of it, and I threw him out the window!”
Pam laughed.
“…well, not literally,” I chuckled. “So what else have you been up to?”
“Just keeping busy by painting,” Pam shrugged. “You?”
“Selling paper,” I smiled.
Pam didn’t say anything for the next couple of minutes as we drove towards the Glider Diner. I began to feel humiliated. Pam must have been up to a lot. I mean, she has art galleries, published a book, her paintings were featured in a freaking art museum for the love of god! And what have I done? Sold paper, and became the ninth place in sales for the Scranton businesses. Pam must’ve wanted to leave.
I pulled into the Glider Diner, and parked my car. We walked into the diner in silence, and sat down at the first empty table. Even more silence passed as we waited for our menus.
“Remember when we were supposed to pretend to be Iron Chef Judges?” Pam asked softly. “God, that was so many years ago…”
I looked up at her, and was relieved to see that she was smiling. Her hands were still under the table, and she was probably still fidgeting.
“Oh man,” I laughed. “Yeah, I do remember…”
“That’s was one of the last times we talked.”
“Yeah.”
“What happened?” asked Pam as a host handed us menus. She looked up at him and added, “Thank you.”
“What do you mean?”
“Like…a few weeks later, you were supposed to call me, and you never called back,” said Pam. Her tone was still warm, but there was something about her voice that sent chills down my spine. I couldn’t bare to look into her eyes anymore, so I opened my menu, pretending to read through the list of entrees although I already knew what I was going to order.
“Well,” I began, still looking down at the menu, feeling her eyes piercing through me. “Do you remember my roommates Andy and Dwight? Well, they were literally dueling everyday over some girl named Angela. Anyway, Dwight said something to Andy, and Andy got really angry. My cell phone was the closest object within his reach, and well…he threw it at Dwight. It shattered.”
“Oh…”
I braved a chance to look back at Pam. I saw the corners of her mouth starting to twitch.
“I always thought Andy had anger issues,” giggled Pam. “What did he used to call you again?”
“Oh jeez, we’re not discussing that…”
“Big Tuna! I remember now!” Pam began to laugh fully, and it was like music to my ears. I couldn’t help, but join in. Our server finally came, and we both ordered cheeseburgers. When our food arrived, we both dug in, laughing as we pretended to be Iron Chef Judges. I laughed, and I laughed for what seemed like years. I felt alive again. I was sure that my feelings for Pam were regenerating, but that didn’t matter. She was here. We were talking again. The more we laughed, the more comfortable things were. There were times when I wanted to reach across the table to hold her hand. There were times where I felt I was 18 again. For the first time in a long time, I felt invincible.
As we left the diner, still laughing over Pam’s impression of an angry French food critic over the lack of pickles in her burger, we stood by my car. If I just took one tiny step forward, I could kiss her.
“So,” said Pam when we had finally stopped laughing.
“So…” I repeated, smiling down at her, trying with all my might not to stare at her lips.
“This was fun!”
“Indeed it was, Beesly,” I chuckled. “I guess I should take you back to your car, right?”
Pam looked down at her watch.
“Yeah, my mom’s probably waiting up for me…I just got in today, and I barely saw her,” Pam explained. I walked over, and opened the door for her again.
“So why are you in town? I can’t believe I didn’t ask you that before,” I asked once I had gotten into the driver’s side.
“Um…” began Pam. “Well, I’m…I’m engaged.”
Just like that, those pieces inside me that had been filled just hours ago vanished. The elephant that had been sitting on my chest was back. This time, it was as if he had brought along his whole herd. A sharp knife pierced me, and I looked down at my chest to see how much I was bleeding. There was nothing. No blood whatsoever. If there was no blood, why was I hurting so badly? Why was I even disappointed at all? What were the chances of Pam still wanting me? I’m nothing but a paper salesman. A man who once had the world in the tips of his fingertips, but let it slip over a terrible mistake. Pam deserved better than me, and that’s what I realized at that moment. I was a fool to even think that I still had a chance with her.
“Wow…” I finally said, realizing that Pam was still in the car. “That’s…um…congratulations, Pam!”
I grinned over at her, and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. She smiled feebly back.
“Thank you.”
“So who’s the lucky guy? What’s he like?”
“His name’s Alex. We’ve been dating for the last four years,” said Pam, no longer looking at me. I saw her smile a little. “He’s great…we met on a subway. I was sketching, and he was standing over me. He told me that my sketches were great, and then we started talking. He’s a graphic designer, and he’s really into art.”
“That’s awesome,” I said in what I hoped was a sincere voice.
“He’s really sweet,” continued Pam. I didn’t want to hear any more of it, but I didn’t want to be rude. “He’s funny, and he makes me happy.”
“Wow…That’s great, Pam! I’m happy for you!”
“Thank you, Jim,” smiled Pam. “What about you? Are you seeing anyone?”
“Meh…” I sighed. “Sort of, but it isn’t serious.”
“Oh?”
“I work with her. Her name’s Karen and I don’t know. She’s smart, and pretty out-going,” I said. Karen was the last person on my mind. I didn’t even want to think about her. I wanted to find this Alex guy, and punch him so hard that he gets cancer or something. Don’t get me wrong, I was glad that Pam had found a good guy, but…I don’t even know. I just wanted this weight off of my chest. In a sick and twisted way, I wanted to kick Pam out of my car, and drive it, with myself, into a lake.
“That’s good, isn’t it?” asked Pam.
“I guess,” I shrugged, driving faster back towards Michael’s. I then realized why Holly looked so sympathetic. She knew.
“Are you happy?”
“What?” I asked.
“With Karen…?”
“I don’t know. I guess that means no then, right?”
“I guess so too,” nodded Pam.
We drove for what seemed like days. Once again, we were engulfed in silence. This time, I welcomed the silence. I didn’t want my voice to betray me. We finally arrived back at Michael’s; back at Pam’s car.
“It was great seeing you and catching up,” said Pam.
“Same,” I said turning, and forcing myself to smile to her. Pam held her arms out.
“So…um…” she said, chuckling. I leaned in, and gave her a hug, trying to block out the smell of her sweet hair. “Good night.”
“Good night, Pam,” I smiled. I watched her as she got out of my car, and as I turned to face the street, I heard her.
“Jim!” she called before I could drive away. “We should get together again…I mean, if you want to. It’s just that…it was great seeing you tonight.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Maybe. You have my number, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well, give me a call whenever you’ve got the time,” I said, putting the car in drive. “Good night, Pam!”
Before she could say anything, I drove away.
*****
I saw Pam tonight. She’s engaged…
Just like so many other times in my life, I did not now what more to write. I furiously flipped through the pages of my small notebook. It was tiny…a normal person would have only taken a year to fill this up. I had only filled in twenty pages. I skimmed through my vague details, unable to remember the dates. I was a coward back then. Wait…I still am a coward.
I was angry. Not at Pam. It’s not her fault she’s engaged. I was angry because even in the vague entries from my journal, I could see how foolish I was…how foolish I am. In ten years, I haven’t changed at all. I’m still the sixteen year old boy, angry at the world because his daddy beat him a couple of times. I’m still the eighteen year old boy, messing around with a random girl just for the sole fact that she’s interested in me. I’m the twenty one year old man, too cowardly to tell my friend no.
I thought about all the missed opportunities. I knew about the times that Pam would visit Scranton to see her family and her old friends, but I always ignored them. A part of me says that it’s because I’m trying to move on, but the other part, the honest part of my brain that always kicks me in the groin, says that it’s because I’m ashamed of who I turned out to be. That honest part of my brain, let’s call it the ball buster, screams at me to get out and do something about my life. But I never do.
I remembered what I told Pam so many years back. ‘You gotta take a chance on something sometime, Pam.’ Well, Jim, you unfortunate son of a gun, you gotta take a chance on something sometime.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Jim and Pam talk...
Chapter End Notes:
Yes, both Jim and Pam are being very vague, but keep in mind that they haven't seen each other for years. I wrote three drafts of this chapter, and it ended up being close to 9000 words. So I cut out a bunch of flashbacks, and I'll probably write a separate chapter for those. There also was an intensely depressing dream sequence that I cut out...
Well, anyway, thank you all for reading and reviewing! Let me know how you feel about this chapter, and another one will come shortly. In the next chapter, Jim meets Alex.
Well, anyway, thank you all for reading and reviewing! Let me know how you feel about this chapter, and another one will come shortly. In the next chapter, Jim meets Alex.
