September, 2017
“To be honest, Pam, I’m not sure that I am over you…”
Pam’s staring at me as if waiting for me to say, “April Fools!”
“Jim…”
“Listen, when we were together, for that brief week, I always told you to take chances,” I said, parking my car on the side of the road. “I realized that I’ve been a coward for the past ten years, and now, I’m going to take my own advice. I don’t care of the outcome. I just need you to know this. I know that right now it seems like I’ve been pining over you for the last ten years, but that’s not true. You’re not the only girl I’ve been in love with. There were others that I’ve loved. But in the end, I’d always somehow think about you…about us. I’d think about that one week we had together where everything was perfect. Those years of not being able to see you hurt me like hell, but whenever I saw your name on the caller ID, all that hurt went away. And I hated you for that. I hated depending on you so much. Then I realized that no other woman that I’ve loved made me feel that way. They never made me hurt when I couldn’t see them. When things were over with them, I was depressed, but not nearly as depressed as I was over you. I thought, ‘maybe it’s because Pam’s the first girl that I’ve been in love with,’ but it wasn’t that. It’s because none of them had what you have. They didn’t have your crazy imagination or your talent of making the world stop. They didn’t have your soft hands or your laugh. That’s what I yearned for, Pam. Just to hear your laugh, because it’s so contagious. So what I’m saying, Pam, is that I’m not over you. I was, but now, you’re here, and all these feelings are rushing back. I’ve fallen in love with you all over again, and I hate it. But fuck, I need you to know, because I can’t just be friends with you. We never were friends. We’ve always been more. We’re still more than that…at least to me.”
I pulled the car into drive, and drove back towards Pam’s condo or loft or whatever the fuck people live in these days. Pam sat next to me, speechless, staring out of the passenger window.
“Jim,” she said suddenly. “What do you want me to say to that?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly, feeling like an idiot.
“I’m engaged, Jim. Engaged! Do you know what that means?” demanded Pam angrily. “It means that I’ve met a great guy, and I’m planning on how to spend the rest of our lives together! And you come here, telling me that you love me? What? Do you want me to just drop everything with Alex because you love me?”
“I never fucking asked you to do that!” I yelled, an irate feeling creeping towards me.
“Then what do you want me to do?!” shrieked Pam.
“I don’t want you to do anything! I just wanted you to know! I’m not fucking over you! Do you think I’m relishing over that? Do you think I don’t know how pathetic it is that I’m not over you?! It is fucking pathetic!” I screamed pulling the car over. “It’s pathetic that even when I was in love with another girl, somehow you’d always fucking creep into the back of my mind! It’s pathetic that whenever I had a decent fuck, I’d be screaming your name! It’s pathetic that when you were in my life, I succeeded in nearly everything I tried! The second you were gone in fucking France, my life came tumbling down like a mother fucker!”
“Oh, and I’m to blame for that?”
“Yes! Because I was fucking happy with Audrey, and you tell me that you’re still in love with me, and I dropped her. Then you start becoming all distant and shit! You stressed the fuck out of me, Pam! So yeah, I am blaming you for that. It’s my fucking turn to be selfish.”
“How is me getting into Pont-Aven being selfish?! It was an opportunity of a lifetime, you fucking ass!”
“I never said that you going to France was being selfish. You fucking tell me that you loved me, and I dropped Audrey, and I was damn near ready to drop out of school to be with you. Do you have any idea how much shit I got from Audrey?! And then you start being all distant. I’ve been there for you through thick and thin! The one time I needed you, you decide to just stop talking to me? That’s why I’m blaming you for everything, because I was stressed the fuck out, and it was because of you! I was in love with you all over again, and I thought you were in love with me too! But it turned out to be one sick joke, didn’t it?”
“It wasn’t!”
“What was it then?”
“You know what?” said Pam, laughing in frustration. “I could walk home from here. I don’t need to hear you feeling sorry for yourself.”
“Fine,” I said.
“You’re an asshole,” Pam said, getting out of my car. I angrily turned the wheel, and made my way back to Scranton.
*****
Valentine’s Day, 2008
“I’m so sorry,” Audrey kept repeating.
“Don’t be, it was a mistake,” I said, stepping off of the elevator. “We all make them. And like I said, it was my fault…”
I stopped in front of Audrey’s door, and she dug her keys out of her purse.
“Thanks for dinner, I guess,” said Audrey, stepping into her apartment. “Good night.”
“Night, Audrey…”
For some odd reason, I didn’t feel as bad as I knew I should. After all, I can’t help the way I feel. I can fight like a mad dog, but in the end, my emotions will get the better of me. Pam was in Scranton…she was nearly a year away. Sure, I loved her, but what can I do? The distance between us was too far. And chances are, the next time we see each other, if we ever see each other, we’d be changed people. There’s no point at grasping for straws…that’s just a harsh truth in life. And Audrey…she was here. She wasn’t a year ago…she could be years ahead. Audrey was such a great girl. And I made up my mind. I took a deep breath, and knocked on her door. She answered almost immediately, her face covered in tears.
“I think it’s time to start living in the now,” I told her. “And I can’t think of anyone but you to…uh…go on this journey with…”
“What?” sniffed Audrey, brushing a tear off of her cheek.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is…I want to be with you. Right now,” I said, leaning down to kiss her. I wrapped my arms around her, lifted her off the ground as we embraced. It was with that kiss where I promised Audrey that Pam was in the past…that Pam and I could just be friends now.
*****
August, 2008
As I started packing my duffel bag for my trip back to Scranton to see Tom’s newborn daughter, I found my old journal. I realized that it’s been nearly two years since I’ve written anything in here.
“What’s that?” asked Audrey who had been sitting on my bed.
“Oh, it’s just a journal that I was supposed to update whenever I had any ideas…”
“I see,” said Audrey, sitting on the ground next to me. “Can I read it?”
“Hells no, you psycho!” I laughed, gently shoving Audrey into the ground.
“Stop it, you bully!” she laughed, but she wrapped her arms around my neck, and leaned up to give me a kiss. “Why do you have to be so mean to me when all I do is nice things for you?”
“It’s just my own way of showing you I love you,” I teased, giving her another kiss.
“I love you too,” smiled Audrey, her brown eyes meeting my own. “Nothing’s going to happen with Pam, right?”
“Nothing,” I told her.
“Promise?”
“Cross my heart,” I said, giving her a kiss. “I love you too much to do anything like that to you…”
*****
I’ve been in Scranton for a couple of days now. It was nice seeing Michael and Holly still together, and happy as can be. I don’t really believe in soul mates, but man…if there were such a thing, Michael and Holly would be the poster kids. Tom’s daughter, and my new niece, Vanessa, is adorable. I took pleasure in the fact that she never cried whenever I held her. As for Pam? I’m not going to lie…the first time I saw her, she knocked the breath out of me. I forgot how beautiful she was.
Pam had to go back to New York two days after I arrived, so we just went to the old park by her parents’ house the day before she left.
“Halpert! You got buff!” said Pam when I met her at the park.
“I don’t pump iron,” I said in my Arnold voice. “I pump gold!”
“Wow, you are such a geek,” she said, giving me a hug. “Argh, I wish you would have come sooner! Don’t even say it!” said Pam before I could let out a ‘That’s what she said.’
“New York Beesly, you’re almost psychic!” I laughed. “Either that or NYC has made you into Sassy Pants Beesly…”
“It’s a little bit of both, I think,” giggled Pam, hugging me tightly again. “I missed you so much!”
“I missed you too,” I said truthfully.
“Aw, gee, thanks, Jim!” laughed Pam, reaching into her purse. She drew out a folded piece of paper. “Look,” she said, unfolding it. “Remember this? I found it last night while I was looking for things to pack up…”
I stared at the paper, and I saw that it was the colored sketch of the ocean from back when we went to Jersey.
“Holy crap, Beesly! I can’t believe you still have this!”
“Me neither…I remember that I meant to give it to you, but I guess I forgot. Here, take it,” said Pam, forcing the drawing into my hand.
“Thanks,” I smiled, folding it carefully, and placing it in my pocket. “I forgot to bring you my sculpture of Batman…”
“You nerd!” laughed Pam.
I began to laugh too. I had forgotten how easy it was to laugh around Pam. It was almost like I was a different person.
“That was a fun time though…” sighed Pam. “The beach house…”
“Yeah, it was great,” I agreed.
“Remember when you tried singing to me?” she laughed. I felt myself blushing.
“No, I don’t recall such a thing,” I lied.
“Oh, but I do. I remember you sounded like Peter Brady when he was going through puberty,” laughed Pam, changing her voice so that it squeaked, “My hands believe and move…over you!”
“Oh, you are so dead, Beesly,” I said, lifting her onto my shoulder, and spinning around.
“Whee! Eagle!” laughed Pam.
It was then that I realized that I had always been in love with Pam, and the way she was so funny without trying, and how she would make me feel all warm and fuzzy…
*****
Michael and his coworkers of Dunder Mifflin were regulars at Poor Richard’s Pub. He had snuck me in by giving me a warehouse worker’s shirt. This was my first bar experience, so I was pretty excited. I had many interesting conversations with a man named Creed. But I had even more to drink. I had just finished my fourth Jack and Coke when a man named Kevin called for Irish Car Bombs. It seemed as if the employees of Dunder Mifflin were celebrating over their branch not closing. I dropped my shot of Bailey’s and Whiskey into the pint of Guinness, and I chugged down the beer. Now, I was starting to feel very drunk. When I get drunk, I make drunken phone calls. I leaned over to Creed and asked him if he happened to have a cigarette.
“No, but I have some cannabis in my trunk…”
“I’m good, man,” I laughed. What a crazy old man. I walked up to Kevin, “Hey, you wouldn’t happen to have a cigarette I can bum do you?”
“Yeah,” he said, reaching into his pocket to pull out a pack of Camel Filters. “Here you go…kid…”
I was slightly creeped out by Kevin’s grin, and I hurried outside. I lit the cigarette (sorry, I like to smoke when I’m drunk), and I searched through my phone to look for Audrey’s number. I dialed, and waited, listening to the annoying ringtone.
“Hey,” Audrey whispered. “I’m having dinner with my parents right now…I’ll call you back later!”
“Oh man!” I whined. “Okay, bye!”
“You’re drunk, aren’t you?” laughed Audrey.
“Maybe…I wish you were here!”
“I do too. Listen, I’ll call you back in like an hour, okay? Don’t do anything stupid!”
“I won’t! I love you!”
“I love you too…bye!”
Well, if milady was too busy, then who else am I going to call? I was in no state to call Dwight…I was way too intoxicated, and I have to be at the top of my game. If I called Mark, he would dare me to do something, and I’d probably end up dying. Andy sings too much…
“Pam!” I said, laughing, and hitting myself on the head with my palm. “Duh! Oh, hello, sir!”
I waved to a man walking into the bar. He was giving me a worried look. I shrugged as I looked for Pam’s number.
“Hello?”
“Hello, Pam! It’s your homeboy, Jim! What’s up with it, dawg?”
Pam laughed.
“You’re drunk aren’t you?”
“Just a tad…”
“Did you just say tad?”
“I would never say tad!” I laughed. “Oh wait, I did say tad, didn’t I?”
“Yes you did, you drunk fool,” giggled Pam. “How much have you had to drink?”
“A lot…”
“I figured. Where are you even at?”
“Poor Richards, Michael snuck me in, but shhh! You can’t tell anyone cause it’s a secret!”
“Okay…loser,” laughed Pam. “So what’s up?”
“Nothing,” I said, tossing my cigarette. “Do you wanna know something?”
“What?”
“You know I’ll always be in love with you, right?”
“You’re not going to remember that in the morning…”
“Oh, but I will, Pam…I promise.”
*****
October, 2008
“Jim…I love you…”
“What?”
“I love you…and I think we could make this work. You’re almost done with school, and you could come out here. Or I could go out there!”
“Pam, are you drunk?”
“No, I’ve just been…completely miserable and I miss you!”
It was awkward hearing Pam sound this vulnerable.
“I miss you too, but Pam…I’m with Audrey…”
“I don’t care! Jim, please! I know you love me too…”
*****
November, 2008
Audrey wasn’t speaking to me anymore, and I don’t blame her. People seemed distant towards me now. Dwight and Andy weren’t talking to me, but they weren’t really talking to anyone. Even Pam seemed to avoid talking to me. She’d always tell me that she was busy preparing for her semester abroad. Our conversations were usually one sided, with me talking about going to Grad school at NYU, and how we could actually be together now…
*****
December, 2008
“She loves me, Dwight,” screamed Andy. “So get over it!”
“She doesn’t love you! She’s sleeping with me!”
I was in my room, studying for finals, but Dwight and Andy’s arguing was unbearably loud. I couldn’t concentrate. I went out into the living room.
“Cool it, guys!” I yelled. “Seriously…”
“Stay out of this, you!” yelled Dwight. I walked over to the island next to Andy, and I placed my phone down.
“You know I could write you both up for this, right?” I asked. I hated playing the RA card, but neither of them heard me. Andy grabbed my phone off of the island, and flung it at Dwight. It missed, and it shattered against the wall. Dwight lunged at Andy, but Andy brought Dwight down, pinning him with his knee.
“Damn it, Andy!” I yelled, “You broke my fucking phone!”
“Shut up, Tuna, I’m winning this!”
I walked over to my shattered phone. Fuck…I was supposed to call Pam tomorrow to wish her a good trip…
*****
January, 2009
Dwight was in my room, digging through my things when I came home from the gym.
“What are you doing?”
“Room inspection,” he replied frankly.
He dug through the trash, through my books, my closet, under the bed, and under the mattress. And that’s where he found it. A Zip-Lock baggie filled with a white powder. He looked up at me in shock.
“Jim? Is this…”
“Dude, that is NOT mine,” I immediately said. “I swear!”
“I have to report you,” said Dwight, rushing past me.
“Dwight! Wait! No!”
*****
“Why am I getting expelled?” I challenged the dean. “I was tested, and the test came out negative! I wasn’t using!”
“You still had illegal drugs on the school property, young man…”
“But they weren’t mine!”
“Son, there’s no proof of that.”
Fucking Mark…
*****
September, 2017 (continued)
It was 3:00 in the morning. I couldn’t sleep. I walked around my apartment, looking for my phone, but it wasn’t there. I probably left it in the car…
What a fucking terrible night. I needed a drink, but fucking Karen took all the damn liquor in here. I hated myself right now, and who wouldn’t hate themselves after acting so childish?
I tossed and turned in my bed for hours that night. Eventually, the sun came up, and I hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep. Was 8:00 too early to go by beer? Probably, but what does that matter? I shoved on my Red Sox hat, grabbed my wallet, keys, and made my toward the door.
Knock, knock, knock…
Who the hell could be here this early in the morning? I swear to god, I thought as I unlocked the door to open it, if it’s Karen, I will literally throw her—
“Pam?”
She was standing at my doorway, her eyes bloodshot.
“What are you—?” she put her left hand on my mouth. I immediately noticed there was no ring. Without preamble, and with a hard look in her eyes, she stood on her tiptoes, and her lips were on mine. She kissed me as if her lips had been thirsting to meet mine, and I kissed her back passionately. I wanted to know what was going on, but then I realized, as her tongue met mine, that there were more important things going on right now.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Some of you may be disappointed with the outcome...
Chapter End Notes:
I hope you guys enjoyed! One more chapter and an epilogue left.
