I began to wonder if this was all a dream, because it seemed too good to be true. Pam was here, in my bed, naked, and cuddled up to me. Her fingers were clutched to my chest as if she were providing some sort of electrical current to keep my heart pumping faster and faster. Her lips curved into a satisfied smile as her eyes were hungrily locked into mine. My body was sore, my back scratched, and I couldn’t remember the last time I felt so full. Last night, Pam and I had been prisoners living off of nothing but gruel. This morning, we were free, and we feasted on what we had been yearning for over the last ten years. In other words, we had hot, angry, but passionate sex…
It was as if we were both afraid to fall asleep. We both feared that this was nothing but a dream, and when we woke up, one of us would be gone. The arm wrapped around Pam pulled her towards me, and I held her tightly, kissing her forehead in the same way that I had years ago…
“You’re sexy when you’re angry,” crooned Pam, kissing my jaw.
“Well, you’re pretty much sexy all the time,” I told her. “If I would have known that being angry turned you on, I would have hulked out a long time ago. I would have had you in my bed so fast…”
“Mmhmm,” sighed Pam. “I am really hungry…and thirsty.”
“I can’t get up right now…I’m so sore. You kicked my ass, Beesly.”
“What a girl!” she laughed. “Please, Jim can you get me some water? Please? Please?”
“Fine,” I groaned, slowly getting off the bed, and sliding on some pants.
“Hey Jim?” called Pam. I turned to face her.
“Yeah?”
“I just made you my bitch,” laughed Pam.
*****
October, 2008
“Hey, Andy,” I said, placing my grocery bag on the counter. “I thought you had Acapella practice tonight?”
“Oh, I do, Tuna,” said Andy, whipping his pitch harmonica out of his pocket. “It’s going to be a little later though. Gay Mike and Broccoli Rob need to type up some papers. Ooh, did you get any tuna?” Andy began shuffling through my bag of groceries before I could stop him. He pulled out a box of condoms. “TUNA?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”
“You should put that back in the bag…”
“So you and Audrey…gonna make some Tuna salad tonight, eh?” grinned Andy.
“What does that even mean?” I asked, taking a pot out of the cabinet and filling it with water.
“Oh, you know what it means, Tuna. Well, let Boner Champ give you some advice. I’ve been known to be the sexy one in Here Comes Treble. I get the most tail, so…”
“So you and Angela…?”
“Well, no, but—”
“So who has Boner Champ been boning then?” I liked giving Andy a hard time. Sure, there’s always that fear of getting punched, thrown out the window, set on fire, drowned in the bathtub, or maybe getting my head torn off by his bare hands, but what can I say? I like to live dangerously. Andy chose to ignore my last statement.
“The first thing you gotta do is make a good playlist. I got a bunch of good love making songs on my iTunes. I got “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” by Elton John, “I’m too Sexy” by those good looking foreign dudes, “I’ll Never Break Your Heart” by the Backstreet Boys, that one gets the ladies all the time, Tuna. I’ve got plenty more, so why don’t you give me your iPod, and I’ll just load them up for ya?”
“Yeah…I already have those songs,” I lied, chopping up some onions.
“Really?”
“Yep, I actually got them from your computer yesterday while you were at acapella, so…”
“Right on, Tuna! Well, I’m off to sing my heart out. Have fun, you sly fish, you…” Andy walked out the door, singing “I’ll Never Break Your Heart” in a high falsetto voice. I chuckled to myself as I poured the chopped onions into a pan.
Tonight, I was making dinner for Audrey. The only thing I know how to cook is spaghetti, because the way I see it, that’s the easiest food to make that contains at least one thing from the food pyramid. So the reason why I’m cooking for Audrey tonight is because…she’s ready to, as she likes to put it, take our relationship to the next level. Yes, I have dated Audrey for a year and a half but we have yet to have sex. Which is, and I’m being serious, fine by me. She just wanted to be sure that she’d lose her virginity to someone she truly loves, so when she told me she was ready, it made me feel all kinds of special.
I picked up the bottle of red wine, and I began to wonder if I was supposed to refrigerate it. I’m not a big wine drinking guy, so don’t make fun of me. Just when I decided to put it next to the air vent, my phone began to ring.
“Hey, Pam,” I said, walking over to the air vent. “You wouldn’t happen to know if you’re supposed to refrigerate wine would you? Pam?”
“Jim…” she sounded as if she had been crying. “I’m in love with you.”
I dropped the bottle of wine. No, it didn’t shatter. They only do that in movies to enhance the drama. Instead it landed on the carpet with a dull thud. Hardly dramatic…but my mind shattered. She could not have picked a worse time to be doing this, but then again, maybe I hadn’t heard her correctly.
“What?”
“I love you…” she repeated. “And I think we could make this work! You’re almost done with school, and you can come out here. Or maybe I could go out there!”
“Pam, are you drunk?” I asked. She had to be drunk…either that or she had to be some kind of demon possessing Pam’s body, because honestly? Tonight? Terrible timing…
“No! I’ve just been completely miserable, and I miss you!” she sobbed. I tried to recall the last time I’ve heard Pam cry…it had to have been when I left Scranton. This girl rarely cried, so now I’m thinking she really is possessed. Or playing a terrible joke…
“I miss you too, Pam,” I said honestly. “But…I’m with Audrey…”
“I don’t care!” she said loudly, sniffling. “Jim, please! I know you love me too…”
What do you say to that?!
“Pam…I did…I do! But…Jesus…”
Most guys would love to be in this situation: two beautiful girls, both are smart, both can make you laugh in different ways, both make you feel like you’re on the goddamn moon....but I’ll tell you, this is not a fun situation. Not fun at all…
“You’re graduating in like eight months. That gives us plenty of time to figure things out,” said Pam.
The water that had been boiling with the noodles had begun to boil over. My onions were burnt, and my marinara was as well. Shit…
“Listen, Pam,” I said, rushing over to the stove, and turning all the knobs off. “I have to go, but I promise—no, seriously, I do promise that I will call you back, okay?”
“Okay,” sniffed Pam. “Bye.”
“Bye, Pam…”
I shook my head, as if that would have helped shake Pam’s voice out of my mind. It didn’t work. I tried to distract myself by muttering curse words aloud. The only thing that accomplished was me imagining the soft feeling of Pam’s hair curled around my fingers. I poured the soggy noodles down the drain, hoping the loud whirring of the garbage disposer would distract the sound of Pam’s laughter. Instead of smelling burnt onions, I smelled Pam’s flowery scent. Instead of feeling the burn of the pot of hot marinara sauce, I felt Pam’s warm cheek against mine. God damn it, it’s official, I’m crazy.
When I heard the gentle knocking from my door, I tried to sober up. I knew it was Audrey who was waiting on the other side of the door. So how come when I opened it, I was disappointed in seeing her beautiful, smiling face?
“Hey,” she smiled, doing a little jump to kiss my cheek. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I lied. “Uh, I was distracted…and I ruined the dinner. Sorry about that.”
Audrey laughed.
“Its fine,” she reassured me. “I’m nervous too…”
“What? Oh! Yeah…” I murmured, realizing why I was cooking dinner in the first place.
“So…”
This was the problem when you plan to have sex. Don’t get me wrong, I like to make plans. In fact, I’m pretty anal about them…but sex should be spontaneous. And to be honest, that was the last thing on my mind.
“Do you just want to…I don’t know…make some sandwiches?” I asked.
“I’m not really that hungry…”
“Really?” I asked, genuinely surprised. Audrey could put that little Japanese dude that eats hotdogs out of business, and I have never heard her say that she’s not really that hungry. Ever.
“Okay, maybe a little,” she giggled. “Come on, let’s make some sandwiches.”
Audrey walked past me into the kitchen. I heard her giggling at the mess that I made.
“Wow, I didn’t know that you could over cook marinara,” she said, examining the pot of the nearly solid marinara. “What were you doing?”
“Phone call,” I replied after a moment. I decided that the truth was the best option.
“Oh…is everything okay?” asked Audrey, pulling out the bread from the cabinet.
“I guess,” I sighed, helping her with the ham from the fridge. “To be honest, I’m kind of distracted right now…”
“Obviously,” smiled Audrey. “Who were you talking to?”
I busied myself with opening the jar of mayo. Dwight would always get some of it on the lid, so it was always slippery, and nearly impossible to open.
“Uh…” I said, giving up on the mayo. “Pam…”
“Oh…” The bag of ham had slipped from Audrey’s hand. “Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine,” I said. “It was just surprising. She hasn’t called me in the last month, so...”
“I see,” said Audrey. I knew that she wanted to know what Pam and I had talked about.
“So about tonight,” I began. “Do you just want to push it back to next weekend? I’m pretty tired, and I burned my hand with the pot…”
Audrey looked momentarily confused, and her head snapped up when she realized what I was talking about.
“Yeah, that’s fine,” she smiled, forced. “Besides, I want you to be focused…”
I let out a chuckle, and Audrey took my hands in hers.
“So which hand did you burn?”
“This one,” I said, flexing my left. Audrey kissed it gently.
“Better?”
“Yeah,” I smiled.
“Hey, Jim?” Her brown eyes were locked into mine.
“Yeah?”
“I love you…”
I love you. Pam’s voice ringing in my head again. God damn it!
“I love you too…”
*****
Throughout the next couple of days, I had an internal struggle with my brain or perhaps my heart. I began to hate Pam. What the hell was her deal? But then, I began to reminisce about her. The way her body would mold perfectly into mine whenever we watched movies as if we were pieces of a puzzle. Her soft curly hair would always give my cheek a gentle tickling sensation. Her soft kisses would always make me feel weak in the knees. I began to miss her.
And then I would hate her again.
Things with Audrey had been extremely well before Pam, who probably was drunk, decided to awkwardly tell me that she was still in love with me. I mean, Audrey was the full package! She was smart, caring, funny, creative, and before Pam’s confession, she was the most beautiful girl in the world to me. Suddenly, Audrey had become distorted. She started to annoy me. I had become the shallow asshole that I had once been three years ago with Katy.
I used to think it was adorable when Audrey had brought different nail polishes over, and ask me which color she should paint her nails. Now I hated it. I also began to hate Audrey for eating my food, and I hated the fact that she could eat whatever she wanted and not gain a pound. How does she do that? I’m a dude, and I still have to work out everyday. Audrey just jogs a couple of miles two times a week, and she’s fit as hell.
That’s when I realized that although I cared for Audrey, I just didn’t see myself with her after we graduated. She wanted to move to Tacoma, Washington; I wanted to move to New York. And it wasn’t because of Pam. It was because I wanted to go to grad school. I wanted to become a writer or a teacher. But I didn’t see myself moving out west. I always believed that when you’re in love with someone, you’d be willing to sacrifice anything for them. I knew I couldn’t sacrifice my dreams for Audrey. That’s when I knew that I didn’t love her anymore.
So while Audrey and I were doing our homework in my room, I decided that I still cared enough about her to tell the truth.
“So…” I said, and Audrey looked up from her textbook. “Remember on Saturday, when Pam called me?”
“Yes,” she replied, looking worried.
“She told me that she was still in love with me…”
“And what did you say?”
“I told her that I did too,” I said. “I’m really sorry…”
“But she lives in New York,” said Audrey, shaking her head. “And we’ve been together for over a year and a half…”
“I know, and I loved you. I swear,” I told her. “But when Pam said that she was still in love with me, it’s like…all those feelings came back.”
Audrey wasn’t looking at me anymore. I could tell that she was fighting back tears, and I truly hated myself.
“Did anything happen with you guys when you went out to Scranton last summer?”
“No,” I replied softly. “But…I did tell her that I was in love with her. It slipped out! I was drunk, and…”
“Did you mean it?”
I ran a hand through my hair, and licked my lips.
“Yes…”
“So…are we done?”
“It’s not fair for you, Audrey,” I said. “And I’ve been the luckiest guy to have you in my life, and right now I feel like the biggest ass. You don’t deserve this, and I’m sorry.”
“So am I,” said Audrey, packing up her books, letting the tears flow from her eyes. “Um…” she wiped her eyes, and she looked at me. “I guess…thanks for being honest. I’ll see you around…”
She turned to leave.
“Audrey!” I called, quickly getting off the floor. I stepped up to her and hugged her. “I really am sorry…”
“So am I,” she smiled. “Bye, Jim…”
And I was left alone in my room, feeling terrible. I would have preferred her to be yelling at me rather than being understanding. But of course she understood. Instead of a wave of relief, I began to feel remorse. I knew that if I had waited longer, things would have been worse. At the very least, I was glad that I didn’t take her virginity. I only hoped that the guy who would eventually take it was a better man than me.
As November came along, even Pam began to grow distant. Our conversations were one sided, consisting of me telling her that I’ll be in New York by June, and that when she gets back from Paris, we’ll finally be together again. But as we both know, that didn’t happen…
*****
“But we’re here now,” Pam interjected.
My bedroom was scattered with empty water bottles, and a nearly empty pizza box.
“I know,” I chuckled, bringing her closer to me. “But there is still so much we have to talk about…”
“Yeah, I know,” said Pam, nuzzling her head into my arm. “Sorry about being a bitch. I felt terrible for being a home wrecker.”
“Not your fault,” I said. “I didn’t see a future with Audrey…”
“What about me?”
“I always saw a future with you, silly willy!” I teased. “Seriously, though…I really did. I was ready to put off grad school to go to Paris with you, and I thought about our first home together. I was stalker mode Jim.”
“I think I should go,” Pam joked.
“Okay,” I said sarcastically. “Who’s the one that called Holly, who is very pregnant by the way, to ask for my address at 3:00 in the morning? Who’s the one that showed up at my door unexpectedly?”
“I tried calling, but you were probably doing the usual moping around, and listening to your Acoustic Alternative songs about hating life,” laughed Pam.
“I left my phone in my car, and just because I’m a sensie doesn’t mean you get to make fun of me,” I said, sticking my tongue out at her.
When the laughter died down, Pam gazed up at me. I knew she had more questions.
“Yes?” I asked.
“What happened with Audrey? You said you guys were in touch up until a few years ago…”
“Yeah. She’s in Tacoma. She’s a social worker at St. Joseph’s Hospital,” I said. “I used to visit her when I was living in Portland every once in awhile. It was kind of sad…”
“Why?”
“Tacoma and her job changed her. She was always a little too caring, and when you’re dealing with abusive parents, drug addicts, deaths…that’ll definitely mess you up. And it messed Audrey up, because she couldn’t find a way to distance herself. She was so depressed, and she just transformed into this apathetic person,” I explained. “She went out to bars a lot, hooked up with random guys, and yeah…it was sad.”
“Damn…so she’s still there?”
“Yep, but she’s better now. At least I think she is. The last I heard from her, she was engaged to a surgeon, so…I hope she’s happy.”
“Me too…”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. Pam sounded so cute…
“You didn’t even know her,” I scoffed.
“Yeah? So? It doesn’t mean I can’t feel sorry for her!” she retorted, pretending to be angry, but still smiling. “But for serious, she seemed like a sweet person.”
“She was…”
“Do you miss her?”
“Yeah. She was my only friend for awhile.”
Pam nodded.
“So let’s say she broke off her engagement, and came to your apartment right now. What would you do?”
“I’d probably ditch you,” I joked.
“What a dick!” laughed Pam, swatting my arm.
“You know I wouldn’t do that. Not when I finally have the girl of my dreams,” I whispered. “So can you tell me why you decided to call me that night, and tell me that you loved me?”
“Well…” said Pam, blushing, yet helping herself to another slice of pizza. “That was when Holly moved to Nashua. She and Michael were so messed up, but they didn’t want to admit that to each other. And that got me thinking, I’ve been living in denial for so long, and I had to tell you. I had to let you know.”
“Oh…” I said.
“And I lied, I was kind of drunk…”
“I knew it!” I laughed.
“So did you and Audrey have sex that night?”
I shook my head.
“No. I couldn’t do that to her…” I said.
“What do you mean?”
“She was a virgin,” I explained. “There was no way I was going to take that away from her. Especially since my mind was on this really adorable girl who lived in New York.”
Pam nodded.
“Why were you so distant after I broke up with Audrey?” I asked. Pam slowly chewed her pizza and swallowed.
“Well…” she said after a minute. “That was when I found out about Paris, you know? I all of sudden felt all this guilt, because…I guess I thought you wanted to move to New York for me. It’s stupid, I know, but if I had known that you wanted to move out east to write, then I would have never done that. It’s a terrible excuse, but I didn’t want you moving out here just for me. I felt selfish, and then I felt guilty about Audrey, and I literally hated myself. So I wanted you to hate me too, because I thought I didn’t deserve you, so…that’s why.”
I began to pick at the cardboard pizza box.
“Wow…” I said, cracking a slight smile. “We are both seriously retarded…”
“We just need to learn how to talk,” laughed Pam. And I was glad that I was with Pam. If it were some other woman, then they’d be shedding out the tears, crying about how sorry they were. But not Pam…she only cried when she had a reason to. And it was at that moment that I knew that she knew that it was all in the past. We were in the now…in the future. We were happy.
“So,” said Pam, smiling at me. “While you were getting the pizza, I was digging through your iPod—”
“You terrible person,” I joked.
“I know, I should be in an asylum for all the crazy from the past couple of hours,” laughed Pam. “But anyway, I saw that you’ve made a playlist of two songs on repeat. Cheers Darlin’ and Prague…care to explain?”
I let out another laugh.
“Do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know what they’re about?”
“No…”
“Okay, so they’re two songs, but one story. Like they’re what I like to call sitting in a bar alone, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and wallowing in self pity songs. Essentially, they’re about a guy who is deeply in love with a girl who’s probably getting married or with another guy. Cheers Darlin’ is obviously him toasting the happy couple, but he’s devastated. And to me, Prague is a continuation. You know, he’s alone in his hotel room, and Prague is some place he’s never been, essentially a metaphor because he’s never been in this much pain. And he’s saying to himself that he could wait for this girl. He’s not hoping that her marriage or relationship will fail, he’s saying that he could be alone waiting for her…and those songs reminded me of the situation I was in.”
“God…” breathed Pam. “I’m…sorry. Really, I am.”
“It’s fine,” I repeated for what felt like the millionth time. “But…that leads me to wonder. What are we doing?”
“What do you mean?”
“Is this a booty call, or is it…real?”
Pam’s green eyes burned into mine.
“It’s real,” she promised. “I’m not…you know, going to let us make the same mistakes again.”
“But what about Alex?” I asked, hating that I’m bringing that likable son of a bitch up, but there were a lot of things we needed to discuss, and I might as well get that funny fucker out of the way.
“To be honest, I had my doubts about him,” said Pam. “I mean, we’ve been together for four years, but when I saw you, and you gushed about my book, I realized something. Alex never supported me. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but artists are competitive, and we’re always criticizing other works. But Alex wouldn’t pay attention to what I painted or drew. That always bugged me for some reason. I always had this thought in the back of my mind that he figured that he was better than me. Then I started to lose my mojo. I could not for the life of me create anything new. It’s like my imagination was gone, and I started to doubt myself. So I started drawing landscapes…stuff that I’d see in photos. Everything that’s in the art museum was from right after I graduated. My early stuff. You know, not to sound conceited, but they were pretty original. I liked to think that my art told stories. And whenever I showed something new to Alex, he’d just glance at it. Then he would say something like, ‘that’s nice,’ and move on to whatever he was doing.”
“You want me to twist his nips? Because I totally will…”
“Why would you want to do that?”
“Because,” I began to explain, and I’m pretty sure you were all curious to know my asphyxiation with nipple twisting. “Think about it, it’s foul play for a dude to kick another dude in the sack during a fight. So the next best thing to do is twist the fucker’s nipples! It will shock them, and momentarily paralyze them with fear and confusion…that gives me an advantage!”
“You came up with that? Not Dwight?” questioned Pam, obviously trying not to laugh, because she saw how serious I was.
“I came up with it, but Dwight inspired me,” I told her. “When things with him and Andy reached a boiling point, they duked it out. Dwight was pinned on the ground, trying to hit every part of Andy that he could reach. And Andy’s elbow was in Dwight’s face, and Dwight started pinching Andy’s arms, and then he started pinching anything he could get a hold of, and he got to Andy’s nipple. As soon as he got hold of that, Andy went all rigid, and then Dwight finally got the upper hand.”
“You are a dork!” laughed Pam. “Do you realize how many times you said, ‘nipple?’”
“Yeah, well…now you know why I want to twist Alex’s nips,” I told her. “So anyway…back to your story.”
“Okay…where was I?” wondered Pam. “Oh yeah! Okay, so I was losing self confidence, yada yada…then out of the blue, I’m at Holly’s and Michael’s, and you told me that you bought my book, and that you loved it. And I could see that you weren’t kidding…and if you were, you’re a great actor. But anyway, I suddenly felt confident again. when I got to my mom’s house that night, I sketched this little number out.” Pam jumped off of my bed, and pulled a sketchbook out of her purse. She handed it to me. “Turn to the last page…”
I flipped through the pages, and I saw sketches of trees, mountains, oceans, pretty much a bunch of nature. They were good, but nothing really special to be honest. And then I saw it: a woman standing in a cell, fear etched on her face, words sprawled across the walls, most of them reading failure, hypocrite, or coward. It was grim, but it was definitely unique.
“Wow, it’s pretty dark, Beesly,” I told her, still examining the sketch. “But it speaks out. I like it!”
“Really?” asked Pam, skeptical.
“Yes, really,” I told her. “Like her hands…they’re almost crippled…you can feel the pain that she’s going through almost. It’s tragic…yet moving.”
“It came out like vomit,” she said, taking her book back. “I didn’t think. I just drew. I’ve never done anything like that.”
“That’s how art should be, shouldn’t it?” I asked. “Not that I’d know, but…”
“Yeah, that’s exactly how it should be,” said Pam, smiling at me now. “You inspired this…”
“When did I call you a failure?” I asked, offended.
“Never,” smiled Pam. “But I stopped taking chances, and it felt like I failed you. But anyway, back to the real reason why I’m here, and why I’m going to leave Alex. You inspire me, and challenge me without trying. You bring out the best in me. And Alex kind of held me back. And then last night, you said you were going to be selfish. That kicked my ass! You said what you needed to say, and that inspired me to do what I needed to do. And I need to be with you.”
I smiled at her.
“So you didn’t break up with Alex yet?” I asked.
“I called him last night, and I went over to his place. I gave him back the ring, but he told me that he wanted to talk about it more…”
“So is that a yes or a no?”
“It’s over for me,” said Pam. “I’m going to end it for sure when he comes back. You’ll be there for me, right? Not like…there, but you know. Afterwards?
“Of course I will…I’ll start doing some pinching exercises right now in case he tries to attack me.”
Pam giggled, and gave me a deep kiss. My hands were entwined in her soft hair, and I thought that I could live like this forever.
“Hey,” I said softly into her ear. “Do you want to know a secret?”
“Yes,” whispered Pam.
“You’ve had some marinara sauce on your cheek for about the last six hours,” I laughed. “I shall call you Pizza Face Pam!”
“You jerk!” she giggled, playfully slapping my shoulder. She quickly began wiping her cheeks. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because it was so cute,” I mused. “I mean, you were devouring that pizza like you were the Cookie Monster. It was adorable…”
“I was hungry!”
“Obviously.”
“Quit being so mean!” Pam fought to keep a straight face. “If you keep making fun of me, I’m going to leave! I’ll never talk to you again!”
“I won’t let that happen,” I said. “Especially now when things are so perfect.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Jim and Pam have a lot to talk about...Title from "House by the Sea" by Iron & Wine.
Chapter End Notes:
Thank you for reading! For those who like Audrey, I'm sorry that happened to her, but she's happy now. And for people who may live in Washington, I'm not bashing it. I moved from Colorado to Tacoma a couple of years ago, and that was just my experience. It's very hard to adjust. But anyway, reviews would be great, and once again, thank you for reading! A two part epilogue is next!
