I followed Michael back into his apartment. Pam was watching a movie with Holly, while Roy and Katy were passed out on the dining room table. Thank god. I did feel kind of bad that Katy had flown to Scranton to see me, and I barely said ten words to her. But I didn’t even want her here…not now. I knew what I had to do. Michael and I walked over to Pam and Holly, and we both sat down on the couch next to them.
“What are we watching?” Michael asked, putting an arm around Holly.
“V for Vendetta,” Pam replied.
Just then, I heard Katy moaning from the table. I walk over to her, and she’s wiping her mouth; a circular puddle of vomit spread out over the table.
“I’m sorry,” she whimpered.
“It’s okay…here, let’s get you cleaned up,” I said. Pam walked over, and stood next to me.
“Here, I’ll help her,” Pam said, leading Katy to the bathroom. I reach over, and shake Roy’s shoulder.
“Hey, man, I’d get up if I were you,” I said. Roy stirred, and he quickly jumped back in shock.
“Aw, dude! That’s fuckin gross!” Roy cried. “Party foul, man! Is any of that on me?”
Roy lifted his arms to inspect himself.
“No, you’re good man,” I replied. Michael walked over to me, and handed me a damp rag. He helped clean the vomit with me, occasionally muttering, “God, that stinks!”
When we finished cleaning up the mixture of bile and tequila, Pam called for me.
“Jim, Katy wants to talk to you,” she said. I nodded, and I walked over to the bathroom, where Katy was praying to the god of porcelain.
“Hey, how are you feeling?” I asked, squatting down next to her, and running my hand up and down her back.
“Shitty,” she replied, tearing some toilet paper, wiping her mouth. “God, I just let myself go…”
“Yeah,” I laughed, “You kinda did…”
“Your friends must think I’m a wino or something,” Katy chuckled.
“No, they don’t judge…not sure about Roy, but…he doesn’t matter,” I reassured her. I helped her get up, “You should go lie down…”
“Will you stay with me?” she asked, looking up at me expectantly. I nodded, leading her into a spare room. I went out, and I asked Michael for some sheets. Katy and I laid down on the hard floor. She immediately fell asleep, her face close to mine, the smell of vomit creeping out of her mouth into my nostrils…I thought about Pam. I wondered what she was doing. She was right outside, but she felt so far away.
*****
“So Pam,” Tom started. “Where do you plan on going to school?”
“I’m actually going to go to University of Scranton…I’m hoping to transfer to Pratt,” Pam replied. “I want to get into art…”
“Isn’t art a hobby?”
I coughed, and I looked up at Tom; giving him a glare. He just shrugged.
“I mean, there’s not much you can do with art…” Tom said bluntly. “What are you going to do? Sit in a studio, and sketch for a living?”
“Tom, dude…it’s her choice. There’s a lot she can do with art…graphic design is huge, she can work in a museum, she can be a teacher…”
“I never took art class seriously in high school,” Tom interrupted, his mouth of spaghetti. “I only liked it because I could goof around…”
I looked over at Pam, and her cheeks were burning red.
“Well, if it’s what Pam wants to do, I’m happy for her,” I said. “At least she’ll be happy, unlike you…all you do is sell cars.”
This time, Tom’s face was red. I looked over at Pam and I grinned.
“What are you studying?” Tom had asked Katy over dinner.
“Well, I think I want to get into the theater and dance department,” Katy replied. “I kind of want to be a choreographer…”
“Oh…that’s nice,” Tom said, rolling his eyes. Tom had a habit of making fun of girls I bring over because it gets a rise out of me. “So if that doesn’t work out, you can always be a cheerleading coach.”
“That sounds fun!” Katy exclaimed, obviously missing the sarcastic tone in Tom’s voice.
Later that night, when Katy went to bed, I was in the living room watching SportsCenter. Tom sat next to me, and he handed me a soda.
“You don’t like her do you?”
“Katy? She’s okay…why?” I asked, sipping my Coke.
“Dude, I was giving her shit about dancing and cheerleading all night,” Tom said. “I was being the biggest anus ever, and you just sat there…sometimes you even laughed.”
“So? It was funny,” I shrugged.
“Yeah, but when I teased that Pam girl, you got all butt hurt,” Tom said. “You almost started crying…”
“That was you that almost started crying,” I reminded him. Tom punched my arm.
“The point is, you like Pam…everyone can see it,” Tom said. “Everyone but Katy…how that girl can cross a street without getting hit by a car still baffles me…”
I laughed.
“She’s nice…”
“Well, she may be nice and cute, but she doesn’t have much of a personality,” Tom sighed. “I think you’re better off with Pam…”
“Yeah, but I go to school in Colorado, so…”
“Damn it, Jim. You’re a dumb ass for going to Colorado,” Tom said, hitting me for no reason.
But he was right…
The next day was Katy’s last full day in Scranton. I had another week before I had to go back to Colorado. Katy wanted to go on a triple date with Michael, Holly, Pam, and Roy. I didn’t really want to, but Michael was going to be there…so was Pam. We all made plans to meet up at Cooper’s for dinner.
Katy stepped out of my room wearing a light green tank top and a white skirt. She looked nice. She moved towards me, taking my hand, and I led her to my car. We drove in silence…for some reason, the air was thick. It was like she knew what I was going to do tonight. The parking lot at Cooper’s was nearly full—it was a Sunday evening, of course they would be busy tonight. As we got closer to the entrance, I can see Holly’s blonde hair through the window. She was laughing with Michael, who was standing next to a pirate statue. He was probably doing a lame Johnny Depp impression. I held the door open for Katy, and she stepped into the restaurant. Pam and Roy were sitting on a bench.
“Ahoy, mateys,” Michael growled. “We must wait to be seated, argh…”
Katy giggled. “Oh my gosh, you’re so funny!”
“I thank ye,” Michael bowed, and he grabbed Holly. “I’m in search for booty, and I think I founds it!”
Holly laughed. Pam and Roy moved down the bench, and Pam motioned for me to come sit next to her. Taking Katy’s hand, I led her to the bench, and sat down next to Pam.
“I need to talk to you,” Pam quietly mumbled, so that no one else could hear her. “Later though…”
“All right,” I whispered back.
Fifteen minutes later, we were seated in a booth. We all gave the server our orders, and Michael and Holly were playing with the lobster claw shell cracker things. Katy was talking to Pam about how embarrassed she was about getting drunk and vomiting in front of everyone, while Roy was talking to me about football. Our meals arrived, and for the most part, we all ate in silence. It was a mystery as to why things felt so tense…maybe I just imagined it. In my mind, I was looking for the right words to tell Katy…I felt terrible for what I was about to do, but it’s what I need to do. She was a great girl, and she deserves to be with someone who’ll truly appreciate her. My pocket was vibrating, so I took my phone out. I got text message from Pam.
Can you come see me later…like midnight?
She was glancing over at me, so I gave her a nod. Great, it was bad enough that I was going to break up with Katy, now I have Pam on my mind. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I’m really trying to figure out a good way to break up with Katy without hurting her feelings too bad.
Before I knew it, everyone was finished with their meals. We all paid for our checks, and stood outside. Roy said that he had to leave in the morning to go to Philadelphia to work for his uncle again, and Michael and Holly both had to go to work as well. Katy said her goodbyes, and told them all that it was nice meeting them. Roy took my hand and shook it.
“See you guys later,” I called, getting into my car. Katy let out a sigh.
“I heard you and your brother talking last night,” she said. So that was what was bothering her…
“Oh…”
“So you like Pam?”
“Yes…”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” she asked.
“I don’t know…Pam and I…we’re not…I don’t know.” I stammered. Tears were brimming around Katy’s eyes.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“What?”
“How come you never…you stood up for Pam when Tom made fun of her, and you didn’t stand up for me. What is so wrong with me that you can’t like me like you like her?”
“You’re…there’s nothing wrong with you,” I sighed, pulling my car over into a parking lot.
“I love you, Jim,” she sobbed. “And it hurts that you can laugh when Tom makes fun of me for being ‘stupid!’”
“I’m sorry…” I really didn’t know what else to say.
“And you think I never noticed how you stared at her? You think I never noticed the look on your face whenever she called you while we were in Colorado? I saw it all, but I thought…I thought you loved me,” Katy whimpered, wiping her eyes. “But you never did…even while I was out here, you spent more time with her than you did with me…”
“I’m sorry,” I repeated. There really was nothing else I could say. Guilt was rushing up my chest, reaching my head, my brain feeling like it was going to explode.
“We’re over,” Katy finally said.
“I know…”
We drove back to Tom’s in silence. The only noise coming out from Katy was her sniffling. Before, I only felt slightly guilty…that was before I knew what had been bothering Katy. I was too blind to even fully realize that something was bothering her. Never in my life have I ever felt like such an asshole. I used to take pride in the fact that I considered myself to be different from most guys, but it turns out, I wasn’t. All these months, I’ve been using Katy. Katy really loved me…she didn’t want to change anything about me. She just wanted to be with me…she just wanted to feel love in return, and I never gave her that. There’s no way I could give her my love, because I would have been faking it…but god, I wasted months of her life. I hurt her…
She packed her suitcase in silence, pushing me away as I offered to help her. We sat on the front porch, waiting for her cab, smoking cigarettes. It was almost ironic. When we had met, we were smoking. When we were parting, we were smoking…
Katy’s cab arrived right when he had threw out our cigarette butts. I walked her over to her cab, and she just gave me a sad smile. She stepped into the cab, slamming the door, and I watched as the yellow car drove away.
*****
Later that night, I met up with Pam at our park. She was sitting in our usual bench. I walked over beside her, and I sat down.
“I broke up with Roy,” she immediately said. “I’ve been wanting to do it for months, and I broke up with him tonight…”
“Oh…”
“Yeah…it’s just,” Pam took a deep breath. “I really like you, Jim…and I don’t know why I didn’t tell you sooner. If I had, then maybe…I don’t know. But you’re leaving soon, and you’re with Katy…but…I’m in love with you…always have been…”
I felt her finger intertwining with mine. There was a lump in my throat, and I couldn’t look at her. She took a deep breath.
“I can talk to you about anything, for hours on end. You make me laugh more than anyone I know. I just feel happy when I’m with you,” Pam continued. “And I think…if you feel the same about me, that…we could make things work…”
“You know…I’ve always liked you…ever since we met,” I began. “I would always think about you…I would wonder about how things would be different if I never went to Colorado…I imagined us being together…but…I can’t. You deserve better…”
“What do you mean?”
“You deserve better,” I said, thinking about how much I hurt Katy. “Maybe our timing’s off, because I think if I never left, things would be great between us. But I’ve changed…I just realized that tonight. For the whole time I was with Katy, I was a guy that I never thought I’d be…I used her, Pam…I hurt her. I never thought I’d be that guy, but I am. And you don’t deserve that…”
Pam removed her hand from mine. The bench creaked as she walked away. A million thoughts and impulses were running through my head. Stop her! Don’t let her get away; tell her it was a bad prank! You can make things work with her! You were lonely when you were with Katy! You know that you’re in love with Pam, and you would never hurt her? Would I, though? What’s to say that I won’t hurt Pam? What happens if I meet someone else, and hurt Pam like I hurt Katy? Just let her walk away…she’s better off not being with you. A girl that nice doesn’t deserve to be with an asshole like me. Katy was a mistake. We all make mistakes. There isn’t going to be another Pam. Get yourself up, and stop her from getting away! You’re going to regret this for the rest of your life!
But I was too late…when I stood up off of the bench to chase after Pam, she was nowhere in sight. Way to go, Halpert…you just broke two hearts in one night…
Author's Chapter Notes:
The bold italics are flashbacks. I meant to put that piece in the last chapter, but it didn't feel right in there. So I put it in this one...
Title from Brand New's Tautou
Title from Brand New's Tautou
Chapter End Notes:
Well, this probably wasn't what you were expecting, and even I'll admit that this is probably the worst chapter in this story...but I promise that things aren't over...
