No questions, no hesitation. It is the absolute worst day ever.

A day he isn’t sure he’ll ever be able to forget. No matter how hard he tries. The half a dozen beers he’s already consumed haven’t helped. He’s pretty sure nothing will.

Her words surrounded him, choked him.

“I can’t.”

He still feels like he is drowning. Her scent is still lingering in his nose and he wants nothing more to keep it there, but knows he should forget.

“I’m sorry...if you misinterpreted our friendship.”

He’s more than glad that Mark is gone for the weekend. He can climb into bed and not get out until Monday morning. And he knows that’ll be the soonest he’ll be able to move. He isn’t sure he’ll even want to move then.

“I can’t.”

He shuts his eyes for a brief moment, but she’s there. He closes his eyes and her eyes looking up to him as he brings down his lips to meet hers and her eyes after they kissed are haunting him now. He shakes his head in an attempt to remove the images from his mind, but as soon as he closes his eyes again, she’s there.

His eyes snap open. He can’t see her face now, and so his body starts to relax again. Maybe sleeping isn’t the best idea after all. At least not until he’s pumped himself so full of alcohol that when he finally falls into sleep, it’s dreamless. That is when he’ll think about sleeping.

“You’re still going to marry him?”

“Yeah.”

Her voice echoes in his head and he feels the tear slide slowly down his cheek. He doesn’t bother to wipe it away; another will be in its place after that anyways, so there really isn’t a point to fight it.

He’s emotional. He knows that, and he’s dealt with it. But it makes tonight even harder. It makes him more of a basket case now, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do now.

He fingers his phone and debates using it. But he isn’t sure if that is wise. His brothers would mock him, his sister wouldn’t know what to do, and his mother would pity him. His father… his father would say ‘I told you so,’ and that is really the last thing he wants to hear.

He decides to pick it up. And after a few shaky breaths, he dials a number he doesn’t want to, but knows even better now than several hours ago that it will be inevitable now. His hands are shaking as he listens to it ring.

“Jim,” Jan’s voice answers, “I wasn’t expecting to hear from you tonight.”

“I know,” Jim agrees, forcing his voice to stay normal, “I hope I’m not calling too late.”

“Not at all,” Jan replies, “it’s barely ten and I’m still on the road. Have you made a decision?”

“I have,” Jim says, taking another deep breath. “I want to take the job in Stamford.”

“Jim that is great!” Jan exclaims, “You’ll be a perfect fit in Stamford with Josh and the group there. I’m glad you’ve decided. How long do you need to move?”

“Not long,” he says hurriedly, “the quicker the better.”

“Well,” Jan says, “I’ll be back in my office first thing in the morning and I can finalize the paperwork. We can have you in Stamford by the end of the week.”

“Thanks Jan,” Jim answers, “Sounds like a plan. I may take a couple days off this week to find a place in Stamford and pack…”

“Are you avoiding something Jim?”

“I’d rather not talk about it Jan,” he says and rubs his hand against the back of his neck. “I just need a break.”

“Take it,” Jan instructs. “I’ll take care of Michael tomorrow.”

“I’m going to have to pack up my desk.”

“Would Pam do it for you? You are friends, right?”

“I’ll do it,” Jim answers, “I’ll go and do it tonight. I’m not in bed yet, obviously.”

“Whichever you’d prefer.” Jan says, “but don’t worry about taking the week off. I’ll let you know when your first day in Stamford will be.”

“Thanks Jan,” Jim thanks her, “I really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” Jan answers, “Bye Jim.”

“Bye Jan.”

He hangs up the phone and takes another deep breath, something he seems to be doing quite frequently now.

After slipping on his tennis shoes and an old college sweatshirt, he grabs his keys and heads for his car. He takes the ten-minute drive to the office, the last time he would, and stands for a second in the parking lot before he feels another tear slip down his cheek again.

Shaking his head determinedly, he grabs his key ring and lets himself into the quiet and dark building. The party must have broken up already, cause the warehouse is eerily silent and he is surprised by it. He didn’t think Michael would have let everyone leave before midnight.

Walking into the office is different now, and he can’t help but envision what transpired hours before.

Kissing her. Something he’d scarcely allowed himself to dream about over the last several years. But yet, tonight he’d kissed her.

And she’d kissed him back. She had. He won’t let himself forget that. It had at first given him hope, until they’d pulled back and the look on her face said otherwise.

“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.”

“Me too.”

HIs heart soared. Until he felt her pushing him away. That is when everything crashed down around him. She was still marrying her fiancé, the words he didn’t want to hear.

He grabs a box from the storage closet and throws the few personal things he has at his desk in the box. There are several mementos that reminded him of Pam—he hadn’t given her everything at Christmas—and for a fleeting second, he almost tosses them all in the garbage.

But he can’t do that. He really doesn’t want to. So he packs those carefully away in the corner of the box and brushes a tear from his eye. He picks up the box and heads toward the door.

He pauses at the door and goes back toward her desk. Running a hand through his hair, he picks up a pen and a piece of paper, and writes a short note.

I’m sorry Pam, for everything. I wish you all the best in your marriage. I just want you to be happy, that is all I’ve ever wanted. I just can’t stay here. I hope you understand. Goodbye Pam.

For a second he considers crumpling the note and walking out without a word, but that doesn’t seem fair to her. He has to make sure she knows that he doesn’t hate her, so he leaves under her keyboard, praying no one else finds it before her.

And with that, he steps out of the office for the last time.

Ten thousand, four hundred and forty one

Casino Night. Parking lot. Red hair, half up, sparkling in the street lamps and the moonlight. A blue tinted dress falling in all the right places. Saying the words I wanted to for so long. A dark office. Her soft words. Kissing her. The taste of her on my lips.

I’ll never forget.

“I can’t.”

Heartbroken.