----
When Jim returned from watching his orientation video in the conference room, he was momentarily speechless. Michael had told him that it wasn’t like any of the usual orientation videos he might have seen, but (in his words) was “scary. Terrifying. I’m telling you Jim, the hardiest souls cannot watch this without screaming.”
And when Jim emerged a half an hour later, white of face and with fingernail marks under his eyes, he knew Michael had been speaking the truth. That…was scarier than the actual Blair Witch Project. Just probably not in the way Michael intended.
When he sat down, Pam gave him a sympathetic grimace from behind her desk. He considered going up to talk to her about it, but her phone rang and from the sudden change in her voice from bored to attentive, he gathered it was actually someone important. Instead he turned to his deskmate, Dwight.
“So…the Scranton Witch Project was…interesting.”
Dwight did not look up, only replied in his best bureaucratic voice: “I hope for your sake that you paid attention. Employees who do not conform to the guidelines laid down in the video are subject to all sorts of penalties.”
“Like watching the movie again?” Jim joked, chuckling.
Dwight frowned. “I don’t care for your tone, Halpert.”
My God, he’s still serious. Well, after all, Pam did warn me. He glanced around the office. “So…what now? Where’s Michael?”
“Michael is the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. He is not required to make his comings and goings available to you.”
“Well…I just want to know what I should do next.”
Dwight exhaled noisily through his nose. “Thor spare me from the incompetence of newbies. You were hired as a salesman, were you not? Then perhaps you should try, uh, I dunno…selling paper?”
Jim had never wanted to punch someone more than in that moment. Probably not the best career choice, though. Instead he sighed, attempting patience. “Well…how would you suggest I go about doing that?”
PAM_BEESLY: no, no, no! If you get him started on one of his lectures he’ll never shut up!
But it was too late. There was a gleam in Dwight’s eye that said Jim had fallen into the trap. “Ah, you would seek to be my padawan learner? My pupil? My protégé? My apprentice? Very well. I will teach you the ways of paper. But be warned: only in technique can I instruct you. To truly succeed you must be born with…the spirit of papyrus."
Jim barely heard him. A smile had crept on his face after Pam’s IM. The receptionist had been really helpful to him so far; she had brought him popcorn to eat during the movie, and even sat next to him to watch for a time, before declaring that: “this is scarier the second time around. Because now I’m actually catching things I never noticed before.”
Jim had laughed, perhaps harder than he should have. “Don’t want to appreciate this on more than one level, huh?”
“God forbid,” she said, smiling, as she left the room.
JIM_HALPERT: CRAP. What should I do?
PAM_BEESLY: Freeze. Cock your head and act like you hear something.
Dwight was still rambling as Jim typed: What, like a dog?
From behind her desk, Pam laughed. Exactly.
Jim didn’t need a second urging. With more enthusiasm than he could ever remember showing in the workplace before, he froze, one hand dramatically raised near his ear for effect.
It didn’t take Dwight long to notice. “What? What are you doing?”
“Shh. I think I hear something.”
Dwight sat straighter in his chair, head swiveling rapidly from side to side, for all the world like a mongoose on alert. “What? What do you hear?”
From the corner of his eye, Jim could see Pam looking on in interest. It was enough for him. He rolled the dice. “It sounds like…whispering. In the walls.”
Dwight listened, then scowled. “I hear nothing. You are clearly delusional.”
Just then Pam arrived. She leaned conspiratorially over Jim’s desk; for a brief moment he caught a view of her skin beneath her unbuttoned collar. That plus the whiff of whatever shampoo she used caused him to suddenly freeze in a way that had nothing to do with Dwight. What’s with you? Looking down her shirt? Really? She’s not wearing something with a plunging neckline. Don’t get a sexual harassment suit filed on you on your very first day.
“Hey guys, do you hear that sound too?” Pam asked. She was fighting back a grin.
Her ability to improvise and play along shook Jim out of his reverie. “Yeah, whispering, right?”
“Yeah, but it sounds like it’s coming from inside the walls. Or maybe the ceiling?”
All at once Jim knew what she was hinting at; he had just barely read that book last year. “Yeah, but it sounds more like…hissing than actual words, you know?”
Now Dwight was really interested. “Hissing? You mean…like a snake?”
“Yeah…” murmured Pam, tugging at her necklace, “but it sounds bigger than a snake…”
Jim turned to look at Dwight, just as he mouthed the words, like a basilisk…
“Where do you think it’s coming from?” said Jim to Pam.
“I don’t know…I’ve already checked the bathroom, and the break room…”
“Perhaps it’s some secret room no one knows about…”
“Yeah, I’ve heard this place has a lot of secrets…”
Dwight could take it no more. He leaped from his chair and shouted: “the chamber! The chamber of secrets! By Gryffindor!” And with that he rushed from the room.
Jim swiveled in his chair to look back up at Pam. She had covered her mouth with her hand, trying to ward off the giggles. “Wow,” he said. “Well done.”
Giving it up as futile, she dropped her hand and threw back her head, laughing. “Oh God, that was hilarious. You’re so funny.”
Jim had to catch himself from jutting out his chest. Easy, easy…But something about the way she said, ‘you’re so funny,’ made him feel like he was on the high school basketball team again, getting a compliment from a girl after a particularly good shot.
He had never felt that way at his last job.
“Well, thanks. And thanks, too, for saving me. Dwight looked pretty intense when I asked him what to do next.”
“Oh yeah, his monologues are pretty epic. Consider yourself warned, rookie.”
“Duly noted, Beesly.”
She paused, tilting her head to look at him oddly. What the hell was that? Why did I just call her by her last name? This isn’t 10th grade gym.
He stumbled over his words, trying to recover. “But um, yeah. Thanks. You really saved me from some major grief there.”
“Oh,” she said, shrugging, “it was nothing.” There was a hint of confusion in her voice as she retreated back to her desk. Jim swallowed, feeling like an ass, wondering if he had insulted her somehow.
The feeling passed, however, when two minutes later Dwight reappeared, putting his ear to various walls and listening. Jim smirked a little, but it widened into a broad smile after the ding of his computer announced a new message.
PAM_BEESLY: This is so going to be the highlight of my day. Thanks, Jim! :-)
And Jim, realizing abruptly that every time they had talked her weary, pinched expression had changed into an eager grin, felt ten feet tall.
On the basketball court, he had never been more than six foot one.
----
Author's Chapter Notes:
I do not own the Office, nor these characters, nor anything associated with Harry Potter. Those are owned by NBC and JK Rowling, respectively.
Chapter End Notes:
Next up: One more chapter about Jim's first day. Their famous first "date" comes later in the week.
