Yet strangely, it was not dread but anxiety he was feeling. He felt it in the shower. He felt it in the car ride over. He felt it as he took the elevator up to the third floor. And it didn’t abate until he entered the suite and hung up his coat, breathing a sigh of relief. He was at a loss to explain his own emotions. It’s almost like…like I wanted to come back here. He had shaved too quickly that morning, nicking his chin, and driven to work too fast, running several yellow lights he would have normally stopped for. Maybe I’m just getting bored at home. This job sucks, but I guess it really is better than sitting around and watching TV all day.
He looked over at the reception desk as he hung up his coat. Pam wasn’t in yet. He felt disappointed by that; he had been thinking all night about their prank on Dwight, and wanted to tell her that maybe if Dwight annoyed them again they should try and convince him that he was not a human, but an abnormally large house-elf.
“What are you doing?”
Jim nearly jumped out of his skin. “Dwight! Don’t sneak up on me like that.”
Dwight smirked. “Jim. I am a student of goju-ryu karate. The art of stealth is second nature to me. What are you doing by my coat?”
Jim stared. “What?”
Dwight gestured at the tan trench-coat hanging next to Jim’s own jacket. “My coat. You have been standing next to it for approximately twenty-seven seconds. What are you doing, Halpert? Are you planting something?”
“No…”
“Be aware, newb, that I am a sheriff’s deputy. If I need to, I can bring you down to the station for questioning. So you better answer me.”
Jim couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This is just too good. Where the hell was Pam? “Wait, you’re a sheriff’s deputy? Then why are you working here?”
Dwight frowned. “I…perform my duties for the SPD on an as-needed basis.”
“Oh, so they call you in only when they need you?”
“Pfft. I never wait that long. Crisis management is all about intervening as soon as possible. I go to them whenever I think they need me.”
“What exactly do you do for them?”
“I specialize in child safety services.”
“Child safety services?” Jim couldn’t imagine what mother would want Dwight Schrute near her child.
“For local hospitals, specifically.”
“And that means…”
“It means he checks that car seats have been installed properly,” said Pam suddenly. She hung up her coat and blew out her cheeks. Jim noticed that there were bags under her eyes, and her whole face seemed tired.
“Pam!” Dwight snarled. “That is confidential information!”
“No it’s not, Dwight,” said Pam. “I know what volunteer sheriff deputies do. I Googled it.”
Jim bit back a laugh. “Wow, Dwight, that sounds…really serious. Do you carry a gun? Have you ever shot a hostile car seat?”
Dwight’s cheek twitched. “You are mocking a sheriff’s deputy. Do you know how serious that is?”
“Volunteer sheriff’s deputy. Isn’t that what you said Pam?”
Pam’s face was brightening by the second. “Yep. Emphasis on ‘volunteer.’
Dwight looked furious now. “Being a volunteer sheriff’s deputy is a great honor, and a tremendous responsibility! They don’t just let anyone in, you know!”
“Right, only the ones that volunteer,” Jim said.
“Dammit, Jim! Your attitude is unpatriotic and completely inappropriate! I demand respect.”
Jim was about to reply when Pam laid a hand on his arm. “He demands respect, Jim,” she said, so seriously that for a moment he was taken aback, till he saw the sparkle in her eye, and how the corners of her mouth were itching to smile. “I mean, if he’s important enough to be on Google…”
“Baah! I’ve had enough of you two miscreants.” Dwight turned and stomped off, heading immediately into Michael’s office and closing the door.
Jim and Pam looked at each other. Both burst out laughing at once.
Jim never got a chance to tell Pam his house-elf joke, as no sooner had he sat down did he find his task-list for the day. It was surprisingly heavy, and despite the fact that no one seemed to do any work around here, he felt he probably shouldn’t slack off on only his second day. Between calls, though, he did manage a few instant messages.
Pam had started it, with the fairly innocuous opening line:
PAM_BEESLY: Hey, Jim, Toby has a few forms he wants you to fill out. I have them for you whenever you’re ready.
Cradling his phone on his shoulder, Jim typed back:
JIM_HALPERT: Okay, thanks.
PAM_BEESLY: Yep.
And that was all. Feeling strangely dissatisfied, Jim waited a moment and then typed:
JIM_HALPERT: So what comes up when you google your name?
PAM_BEESLY: I don’t think I’ve ever googled my name…
JIM_HALPERT: What! You’ve never googled your own name? I thought everybody did that.
PAM_BEESLY: No, I have a life, Jim. :-)
JIM_HALPERT: I’m not so sure. I mean, how can you tell if Google hasn’t confirmed it?
PAM_BEESLY: Hahaha. Okay, what comes up when you type in your name?
JIM_HALPERT: Well…don’t tell anyone this, but apparently there’s a Jim Halpert in Nebraska.
PAM_BEESLY: Okay?
JIM_HALPERT: And the thing is…well…apparently he’s in jail.
PAM_BEESLY: Oh, how horrible for you. He’s giving all Jim Halperts a bad name.
JIM_HALPERT: I’m just terrified of Dwight finding out. He might think that it’s me, and that I’ve escaped and gone on the lam.
PAM_BEESLY: lol! He would!
JIM_HALPERT: So what are we going to –
Suddenly Pam’s phone rang. “Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam,” she said, with practiced ease. Jim liked how soft her voice when she said that. Slightly bored, yes, but soft and gentle. Woah, where’s that coming from?
“Um, just a minute, I’ll transfer you to one of your salesmen.” She put the call on hold, and looked up. “They’re looking for a salesman! Do you want me to transfer him to you?”
“To me? Um…”
“Yeah, do you want to try it?”
She was looking at him expectantly…more curious than challenging. The words came out before he even thought to say them. “Oh, yeah…definitely.”
But before she could transfer the call, Michael bounded out of his office like a hyperactive roadrunner. “Attention, everybody, attention! I want everybody in the conference room…in two minutes!”
There was a collective groan from the other workers that apparently Michael didn’t notice. Dwight, however, immediately leaped to his feet and into the conference room, arranging chairs.
Jim looked at Pam, confused. She rolled her eyes, said into the phone, “I’m sorry, but all our salesmen are busy right now. Can I get your information and have one of them call back? Okay. Great. Thanks.”
Jim stood awkwardly as everyone began filing slowly into the conference room. They walked like they were part of a chain gang; he half expected to see manacles on their ankles.
Pam came over to him, sighing. “I can’t believe it. It’s not even ten-thirty yet and Michael’s already calling a staff meeting.”
“Does he do it often?”
“Like you wouldn’t believe.”
They shuffled in. Dwight closed the door behind them. The sound was an ominous one, and when Jim saw a blown-up picture of himself mounted on the wall, that sense of dread, so wonderfully absent, immediately returned.
“Welcome,” said Michael solemnly, “to Get-To-Know-Your-Co-Worker Week…Day One.”
