No. She wouldn’t allow this. She had made too many mistakes with Jim to allow another one to just… happen. It was then that her vocal chords seemed to have a mind of their own.
“Wait.”
She stopped in her tracks and turned around. Pam walked away from her car, and toward him. Jim had heard her, and he turned around too. “Yeah?”
“How could you do this?” She had no idea where this was coming from, but she wasn’t going to stop here.
“What?” Jim looked confused again.
“How could you? How could you come back here, getting my hopes up, making me think that things were actually going to get better, and then, well, and then you came back. And nothing makes sense anymore! I mean, you’ve barely said a word to me all day. After everything that’s, you know… happened, we should at least be able to talk about it. And you can’t even do that? Why do you keep pushing me away? This isn’t you, Jim. You’ve let Stamford take over you.” She took a breath. This was not her. But it felt so good to not be soft-spoken for once. It felt right to be able to share her feelings for the first time in a long time.
Jim just stared at her.
“Oh, yeah, just stand there. Don’t say anything. Don’t do anything. Just leave me, like last time.”
That triggered something in Jim. He said softly, “Hey, that’s not fair.”
“What’s not fair, Jim? The fact that you are one person one minute, and then you leave without any note, any explanation, and you come back, and you’re completely different? How about the fact that you won’t even answer my phone calls? Or talk to me about this?” She knew she was rambling, and that she probably sounded like an idiot, but she couldn’t stop.
“I did what I had to do. You made your choice. You chose… him.” He couldn’t say the name. It still hurt him too much.
“Yeah, I chose him. I did. But I can’t believe that you let that control you. I don’t understand why you thought leaving would be the right thing to do. I’ve been miserable! I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Nothing affects me anymore. It’s really hard to—” Pam stopped, because Jim had mumbled something. “What?” she said.
“I said, now you know how it feels.” He was almost glaring at her. Pam had never seen Jim this angry, and it scared her. But she wasn’t backing down.
“Okay, yes, I get it. I hurt you. I know that. I understand it. I’ve accepted it. But I don’t think you have, Jim. I think you’re hiding from all this because you don’t want to get hurt again. Going to Stamford was your safety. I get that. But you’ve used up your chance to escape. Now you need to face reality.”
Jim spoke a little louder than before. “This is my reality.” His eyes burned with intensity.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’ve moved on. That’s the reality. Pam, I’m with Karen. That’s it.”
His words felt like she was being ripped apart. “Jim,” she said weakly, with tears in her eyes, “Talk to me.”
Pam searched his eyes, trying to find something familiar in them. She felt a small stab of what used to be there. But that was the past. It was too late for this.
“I’m sorry, Pam.” He walked away.
*****
Pam woke up, sweating. She realized that she had been crying in her sleep. Her pillow was soaked, and so was her face. For a minute, she sat there, coming to terms with that terribly vivid dream she had just experienced. While most of her dreams were forgotten as soon as she woke, this one continued to haunt Pam for hours, as she sat in her bed, softly crying. She had been having this dream for almost a month now. Ever since Jim had come back, her dreams had been tainted with his beautiful, torturing face.
She was trying to understand why she had said all those things. Why had she been so unfair to him? Why had he been so cold and unfamiliar? And finally, why had she accused him of hurting her, leaving her alone and unhappy, when she had done the exact same thing to him?
*****
The next morning, Pam woke up to her alarm’s beeps. She debated staying in bed, perhaps calling in sick from work, but realized that she had a whole list of things to do at work, and if she didn’t finish them today, she may have to come in on the weekend. Also, Michael was coming back from his trip to Jamaica today, and whenever Michael returned from a long trip, there would surely be some sort of mess that Pam needed to clean up. So she got up, and walked into the bathroom. She did a quick double-take at her face, still tear stained. Also, her eyes were quite puffy. But, make-up wasn’t on Pam’s must-have list any longer. So she sighed at the image staring back at her, brushed her teeth, and got ready to leave.
Upon arriving at work, Pam pulled into the driveway, just as she saw Karen park her car a few spots away. Really not wanting to talk to her, Pam sat in her car for a few extra minutes, hoping that Karen hadn’t seen her. When the coast was clear, Pam got out of the car and walked into the building.
She sat at her desk just in time to see Jim kiss Karen hello. Perfect. This would definitely be a long day. But then, Pam noticed something. When Jim tried to kiss Karen on the lips, she moved her head away, leaving Jim to kiss her on the cheek. Weird. Maybe they were fighting. Not surprisingly, Pam took pleasure in this notion.
As the day went on, Pam started noticing that Karen really was giving Jim the cold shoulder. During Michael’s pow wow meeting on how to turn the office into a Jamaican themed luau, Jim had saved a seat for Karen. But when she walked in and clearly saw the empty chair next to him, she deliberately walked past him and sat down on the other side of the conference room. Something was definitely up.
When Pam was back at her desk, she heard a ding. New email. She opened her inbox, and found an email from Ryan. It had been forwarded to almost the entire office. Strange. She opened it, and almost laughed out loud. Staring at her was a picture of Michael standing over a sun-tanned Jan lying on a beach chair, with a Sandals, Jamaica sign right behind them. By instinct, she looked up to laugh about this with her friend. But he wasn’t there.
Later in the day, Pam’s lack of sleep all those nights started catching up to her, and her eyelids became quite heavy as she stared at her computer. Coffee, she decided, would be the best antidote.
When she walked into the break room, her heart sank as she saw the only person sitting in there was who else, but Jim Halpert. She couldn’t turn around now, he had already seen her. So she sighed, and walked in, heading straight for the coffee pot. Not wanting to act completely bitchy, she put on that fake smile that she had mastered. “Hey,” she said happily. Even Pam herself was surprised at how well she covered up her hate, anger, and sadness.
“Hey.” He didn’t look at her, just sat there at stared at the wall.
Damn it, she thought. Curiosity was getting the better of her. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” Again, no emotion. Jim stoically drank his coffee.
“Are you sure?” Pam was genuinely concerned. All feelings aside, she could never throw away the protection she felt of Jim, like it was her job to help him. After all, they were “just friends”. And this was what friends did.
“Yes.” He gave a small laugh, trying to show that he really was alright. But Pam knew him better than that. She looked at him quizzically, as though she didn’t buy what he was saying.
Jim gave in. “I’m just, uh, in this, like, stupid fight with Karen.” He raised his eyebrows, like it was no big deal.
“Oh. You… wanna talk about it?” Pam knew, in the back of her mind that this was probably the last thing she should say to him, but she had a tendency to not listen to the tiny voice.
Jim looked up at her, confused. “Really?” he said doubtfully.
Pam raised her eyebrows back, as if to say, that’s what friends are for. She sat down next to him. “Shoot,” she said, with the friendliest voice she could muster up.
So he told her. He said that Karen was still living in her hotel room, and that an apartment had opened up about two blocks from his own. He told Pam how he would feel uncomfortable living so close to her. It would be like they had moved in together. “So, I don’t know. I just feel like we’ve dating about a month, right? Same street? I feel like that’d be a little bit too close. A bit much. You know?”
Pam sat there, nodded her head, trying to show Jim that she was listening, and that she understood. Honestly, she thought Jim was being ridiculous. Karen wouldn’t be at his house 24/7. And since when was Jim Halpert afraid of commitment? But she didn’t want to so quickly destroy the most conversation she had had with him in over a month. So she just said, “Hmm.”
He looked at her. “Hmm, what?”
Why not? After this talk, they would probably go back to not speaking anyway. And there was nothing she could do to prevent him and Karen from being together. The nice side of her was taking over. So, in the gentlest terms she could put it, she told him, “How far away does she live now, like 10 minutes?”
He got the point. “Yeah, I guess.”
Ugh, she hated that she was doing this. “Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.”
“You’re probably right.” He scratched his chin, and they were silent for a minute. “Hey,” he said sincerely, looking up at her, “thanks, a lot.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it. I mean, it’s better than listening to Michael play a conch shell, which was what I was doing.”
Jim laughed. Pam celebrated internally. She missed that feeling. Then she thought of something else. “Oh! Also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan.”
“Yeah, how have we not talked about this already? I mean, what happened there? Kidnapping?”
They both cracked up.
When the camera crew asked her if she had felt weird helping Jim, she lied through her teeth, right to the camera. “No, I didn’t mind helping Jim with his problem. That’s what friends do. I… help Phylliss all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair.” Pam realized while she was saying it that it sounded ridiculous. “So, yeah.”
*****
When Michael had the wonderful idea that the office do inventory in the warehouse, Pam was actually glad. She would give anything to get out of that uncomfortable chair. Not to mention the fact that she was feeling pretty good about herself. She thought that maybe, just maybe, she had gotten Jim’s trust back.
While she was sticking some boxes onto a storage shelf, she saw Karen coming towards her, smiling. Oh no, Pam thought.
“I think I owe you one,” Karen said.
“Sorry?” Pam asked, even though she knew exactly what Karen was talking about.
“For talking sense into Halpert. The Day’s Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing.”
“Oh,” Pam smiled stupidly, “yeah, no, don’t worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous.”
“Yeah,” Karen agreed. Pam hated that they had agreed on something. “But thanks. Seriously.”
Suddenly, it hit her. Pam realized what she had done. She had brought together what would have eventually ended if she had just left well enough alone. She had just contributed to Jim and Karen being together. Pam felt sick. But to Karen, she said, “Sure.”
As soon as Karen walked away, Pam made sure no one was looking, and left the warehouse. With everything in her power, she tried to hold back the tears that she knew were coming. Finally, she reached the top of the stairs, and turned the corner, when she let out a loud sob. Finding the nearest bench, she sat down and started to cry.
What had she done? If there had been any hope at all of Jim and Karen breaking up, it was now lost. And it was all thanks to Pam. Why did she have to be so damn nice? This sent a fresh wave of sobs through her. Pam was shaking, she was crying so hard.
She sat there for minutes on end, feeling dejected. Finally, she heard a noise in front of her. She looked up, scared that it might be Jim. But no, it was only Dwight.
“Who did this to you?” he asked, always the paranoid one. “Where is he?”
“What? No, it’s not—It’s nothing.”
Pam looked down at the floor, while Dwight just stood there for a minute. Then she saw him take off his jacket. She looked up at him.
“It’s hot in here,” Dwight said.
“Yeah.”
He pulled out a handkerchief and gave it to Pam. She wondered why he was being so nice, but took it anyway. “Thanks.”
Then Dwight sat down next to her. This was getting a bit uncomfortable. “Y-you don’t need to stay here,” she said between sniffs.
“I know.” Then he put his arm around her. This sent her to start crying again, probably harder than before.
They sat there together for a while, as Pam let out her problems silently. Dwight said, “So, you’re PMSing pretty bad, huh?”
Classic Dwight. It was like he was trying to make her cry. They sat there together for a while, as Pam let out her problems silently. When she finally stopped crying, she got up, smoothed out her skirt, and looked at Dwight.
“So, you’re okay, then?” he asked cautiously.
“Yeah. Thanks.” She meant it.
Dwight just nodded. He stood up, and walked away. Pam didn’t know what that was, but she had needed it, and was glad it had been Dwight that found her, and not anyone else. Pam sighed, and started walking to the bathroom to clean up her disheveled face.
It was almost the end of the day. Almost time for her to go home and drown her sorrows in a nice, hot bath. Pam sat down at a table and stared at the blown up picture of Michael and Jan that had, earlier in the day, been so funny. She sipped her fifth cup of coffee for the day, just staring at the picture.
Suddenly, she heard a voice next to her.
“Hey.” It was Roy. She hadn’t noticed him sit down, and was surprised to see him. He had a strange smile on his face. “Remember when we were planning our honeymoon, and you wanted to go to Hawaii, and I wanted to go to Mexico?”
“Yeah,” Pam said weakly. She furrowed her brow, wondering where he was going with this.
“I was definitely right.”
Pam laughed. It was the strangest thing. But then, Roy always did know how to take her mind off things. They laughed together. Even though they were over, Roy would always have a place in Pam’s heart. And that was more than she could say for Jim at the moment.
Author's Chapter Notes:
this one comes straight from the heart. if there are any extreme emotions going on, they are in this chapter. enjoy =)
fancynewbeesley is the author of 2 other stories.
This story is a favorite of 2 members. Members who liked Just in Love also liked 1568 other stories.
