She didn’t think she could take this any longer.
Pam was, of course, referring to Michael’s most recent stunt, trying to make a ridiculously complicated-looking (as well as crass) origami figure he had looked up online out of a Corporate Memo that Pam had just handed him.
“Ta-da!” Michael announced. Pam sighed for what seemed like the 30th time that day. What was supposed to be two people doing it looked more like… well, paper. Crumpled paper.
“That’s great, Michael,” Pam said without meaning it in the least.
She really didn’t want to be one of those people who inflicted their current depressed state on others around them, she really didn’t. But she was tired of putting on a smile every day, pretending that she was fine, just fine, and everything was going along smoothly, when in fact, it seemed to be just the opposite.
Two months, thirteen days, five hours, and counting. The whole “you’ll get used to him being gone” and the “time will heal all wounds” spiel obviously wasn’t working out for Pam. Of course, she had been given these various pep talks by her mother, and the few friends she trusted to tell her long and complicated story to. But no one seemed to understand. These things just didn’t go away… And it didn’t help her to continuously tell herself to snap out of it and get on with her life. It only made Pam miss him more. Was there nothing she could do? Well, she was beginning to see that she may have to face the awful truth. She would be one of those bitter old ladies that always seemed to have a stick up their ass because of some event in their life in which they regret not doing something they should have done when they had the chance… God. Like she had thought a few moments ago, she didn’t think she could stand it any longer.
Jim was everything she wanted. Pam realized that now. Of course he was; he had been from the moment he first stepped into Dunder Mifflin. What drove her crazy was that, if he really was so perfect, why didn’t he stay? Why didn’t he fight for her? It was the only thing Pam could be mad at him for. But then she would imagine his floppy, brown hair that always fell sexily into his eyes. And his eyes… she could get lost in the emerald abyss that was Jim’s eyes. His slightly-too-large, but all the more cute nose. The way she fit perfectly into his body during that everlasting, incredible kiss.
Damn it, Pam thought. There I go again. She had common sense. She knew that reveling in the past would not help her situation now. And how many times had she tried to talk herself out of feeling sorry for herself? “It was absolutely the right thing to do,” she would coach herself. “You made the right choice. You are independent now.” But being independent wasn’t really all it was cracked up to be. She stayed up late every night feeling sorry for herself, watching sad movies and listening to sad music, all the while eating greasy food that couldn’t be helping her situation.
Before she knew it, Pam was drifting off, the late night hours finally catching up to her. Putting her head on her desk, Pam promised herself to only lie there, and will herself not to fall asleep. But, as always, sleep came, and there was nothing Pam could do to stop it.
*******
In her dream, she was laughing. It felt weird. She hadn’t laughed in the longest time. As Pam surveyed her surroundings, she realized she was on the roof of the Scranton Business Park, overlooking the residential area and local Cugino’s. She was talking to Roy, while behind her, there were several people. It seemed as though there was a party happening on the roof. Everyone from the office was there. Pam saw Michael, making awkward small talk with Stanley and his wife, while Stanley stood there stone-faced. She observed Kevin and Oscar talking in the corner, probably about paper. She noticed Phyllis and Bob Vance laughing and holding hands like a young high school couple. She spotted Meredith, drinking a questionable liquid ferociously out of a paper cup. She glimpsed Kelly trying to kiss and hug Ryan, while he dodged her and told her to cut it out. She even made out Dwight, practicing his karate moves on an obviously uncomfortable Toby. But everywhere she looked, she didn’t see Jim. Roy was talking, but it became a blur to her what he was saying, much like in real life. Pam suddenly became wholly consumed with finding Jim, as if he was her oxygen and she was quickly running out of breath. She excused herself from Roy, who immediately went over to Darryl and his other immature warehouse buddies. Frantically, Pam made her way through the throng of people, praying to catch a glimpse of the only person she really wanted to see. And then, as if conjuring him with her mind, he appeared.
Jim was exactly how she had remembered him. Casual work attire, relaxed posture, all the things that gave her subtle goose bumps.
Her heart skipped a beat when she saw him. He was sitting far away from everyone else, on one of the two lawn chairs that they had once occupied that one blissful night when Jim had made her a grilled cheese sandwich. They had sat up there, chatting and laughing naturally, as they watched Dwight’s firework show in the distance. If fact, now she saw that he had two plates in his lap, with what could not be mistaken as grilled cheese sandwiches. And there was her lawn chair, set up next to him just as it had been that one night. Now, he smiled at her, patting the seat next to him, inviting her to sit down. The entire party seemed to melt away, and all that was left was Jim, the chairs, and the grilled cheese.
She made her way over to him slowly, not caring that Roy may be watching, or that anyone else may be watching for that matter. All she wanted was Jim. When Pam finally reached the chair that awaited her, she sat down and took the sandwich from his hands. It didn’t seem like there was any need for words. But then, Jim turned to her. He was no longer smiling. She recognized this face. He had only worn it once before, at Casino Night.
“Pam, I’m in love with you.”
Her heart was pounding. She opened her mouth to answer, ready with a response she had rehearsed over and over again for so long. But when she tried to speak, nothing came out of her mouth. It was as if she was mute.
Jim looked confused. “Pam?”
She tried to scream, to tell him something, anything. But no words could be produced.
And then it happened. The thing that had haunted her most throughout this whole ordeal. Jim’s face turned to the exact same one of disappointment and grief. A single tear rolled down his cheek, just like it had so many nights ago. “Goodbye, Pam.”
“No!” she thought. “NO!” But she couldn’t say a word.
“PAM!!” Kevin yelled.
“Huh?” Pam’s head shot up from her desk the second Kevin had shouted her name. Her heart was beating furiously, and she felt the tears coming.
“Pam, I need you to fax this to corporate. It’s our expense reports…” Kevin trailed off as he saw the terrified expression on Pam’s face. “Uh, are you okay?” he asked hesitantly. Kevin had never really been one for sentiment.
“Um, yeah… Yeah, I’m fine.” Just fine. Her voice was shaking. She felt the entire office’s eyes on her.
She had relived her nightmare. Pam had had the chance to do over the biggest mistake she ever made, albeit a dream and she had failed. There was no way she could let him slip away from her. Not again. A surge of courage shot through her. Pam felt braver than she had in weeks.
Ignoring Kevin’s outstretched hand with the folder in it, she got up from her chair, grabbed her cell phone, and walked quickly into the hall.
Pam swiftly thumbed the numbers she knew so well into her cell phone and held it to her ear, waiting impatiently through the dial tone. “Come on, come on.”
*Beep*. “The number you have dialed is not available now. Please leave a message.” The automatic dial tone scared her. Pam didn’t expect to get a message machine. She was about to end the call, she even had her thumb on the red button that would disconnect her. But then she changed her mind. When would she feel this confident again? How would she feel knowing that she had almost talked to Jim, but then chickened out at the last second? If there was anything Pam had learned in the past few months, it was that you needed to take advantage of what you had, and never take things for granted. It was quite cliché, she knew, but at this moment, she honestly didn’t care.
*BEEP* Silence. Shit, this was the part where you say something.
Pam opened her mouth, willing herself to speak, and not have a repeat of what happened in her dream.
“Hey Jim, it’s me. Uh, Pam.” Idiot, she thought to herself. He knows who you are. She laughed nervously. “Um, I, well, I need to talk to you. It’s pretty important. I know we haven’t spoken in a while, and things may be a bit… different between us… But, um, I just, well, I miss you.” Why not? She had already taken the biggest risk in calling him. “So, yeah. If you could call me back… Okay, see ya.” She ended the call.
Shit, she cursed herself as the paranoia and anxiety set back in. “What the hell was that?” She reveled in her ridiculousness. “I should have said more. I didn’t say enough. Maybe I should have told him I ended things with Roy. No, no, I should be telling him that in person.” She fought with her exploding mind for a few more minutes, pacing quickly in the hall, before finally calming down. Pam then decided to look at things rationally. She had called him. The worst was over. Now all she had to do was wait for his call back.
“Okay,” she thought, and breathed a sigh of what was very close to relief. A few more minutes to further compose herself, and Pam walked back inside the office, for the first time in a long time, feeling calm and together. Wow, she thought. She had missed this feeling.
Author's Chapter Notes:
so this one's pretty long, to make up for the shortness of the last chapter. sorry it took me so long to update, i've been pretty busy... anyway, enjoy!!
Chapter End Notes:
brace yourselves for the next chapter coming soon. it's gonna be quite different...
