Jim was smiling. Why did the action seem so foreign to him? The muscles in his face seemed almost rusted, because of their lack of use. But, spending time away from her would do that to a man. Jim had been a tortured soul, and he realized now, as he laughed heartily with Karen, that it was definitely for the best that he had gotten out of there. Of course, the pain didn’t seem to subside when he thought of the only woman he had ever really loved, but this slow, steady process of self-healing was helping him.
Jim and Karen enjoyed the last few minutes of their lunch break, reminiscing in their most recent prank on office brown-nose, Andy Bernard, which involved some arguing, competition, and an irritatingly hilarious squeaky chair. And for the first time in a long time, Jim realized something. He was getting his life back.
Karen had helped immensely with the process. Although she didn’t know much about his Scranton-to-Stamford transfer, she nevertheless brought a hint of curves to the ends of Jim’s mouth. Not to mention that a little bit of Karen reminded him of someone else… He tried not to think of these things. He tried to make himself see that Karen was genuinely a great girl, nothing like her, who had ripped his heart in half. And sometimes, he pulled it off. Sometimes he made himself see what he wanted to see: that he was getting over Pam, and falling for Karen. Sometimes his mind betrayed him and made comparisons between the girls. Sometimes he wished he could stop over thinking these things. Sometimes the word “sometimes” didn’t even apply. Again, the phrase “tortured soul” came to mind.
He had been going over all these things while sitting with Karen in the break room, sharing a bag of Herr’s chips, Karen’s favorite. Jim looked up to see Karen looking at him. She had just asked a question.
“Sorry, what?” Jim replied, casually.
“I just asked what the reason was for your transfer here. You know, I’ve known you for a whole two months, and you’ve never told me.”
“I got a promotion,” Jim stated, point blank.
Karen gave him a look, as if to say she didn’t believe that could have been the only reason. She had this great way of reading beyond Jim’s facial expressions.
Uh-oh. The kiss of death. Jim started to panic. He really didn’t want to lie to such a sweet girl. And he had realized that eventually, if he was reading Karen’s innocent flirting right, he would have to indulge this information to her. But he just wasn’t ready for the pain. And, God, what if he cried? Besides being the most embarrassing thing that could happen, it may drive Karen away, the one person who could slightly alleviate his suffering. And what was he supposed to say? Well, this girl in Scranton broke my heart, and I had to leave because she was getting married, and it was a huge mess of things, and every time I saw her, my heart broke a little more, because I knew that I couldn’t have her, and I realized that the only way to stop this obsession was to geographically remove myself from the area, which it turns out, hasn’t really helped me so much, and even though it’s not getting any worse, it’s not getting any better…No, he thought. So he decided to not lie, but alter the truth.
“Oh, well, um…” He paused trying to find the right words, while Karen looked at him intently, with wondering eyes. “Things were changing, and um… well I didn’t see a place for myself there if… things… wouldn’t be the same.” Jim laughed stupidly at himself. “That doesn’t make any sense, does it?” he asked her.
Karen was watching him again with those inquisitive eyes. “You know, sometimes, I don’t get you.” She was just about to say more, when Josh, Stamford branch’s regional manager, walked in.
“Hey, Jim, Karen, meeting in the conference room.” Jim nodded his acknowledgment, and breathed an internal sigh of relief. Saved by the bell.
*******
After the meeting, Jim walked slowly over to his desk. As he sat down, he noticed that the light on his cell phone was blinking. Curiously, Jim picked it up and opened his phone. New voicemail, it read.
He listened. Stopped. Breathe was short. Nothing could be worse than this feeling. It all came rushing back to him: every bad feeling, every introspective moment, every single damn memory that reminded him of the beautiful disaster that had shattered him. It was as if he had never left. The hand that held his phone to his ear was shaking, and he could feel a headache coming on. He put the cell phone down on his desk. It read, CALL BACK?
It was the first time he had heard that voice, that melodious, stunning voice, in over two months. What was he supposed to do? That was what it boiled down to. If he called her, he would just be creating a recipe for disaster, hurt, and more pain. If he didn’t call her, the exact same thing would happen, except he would have to add anxiety and insomnia to that list.
Jim yearned to feel anger, remorse, SOMETHING besides his normal disposition of not being able to blame anyone but himself for things that have happened. But he all felt was everything he didn’t want to feel. Confusing emotions he hadn’t yet been able to grasp, or ever would be, for that matter. So here he was again, with the same old story. No matter what, Jim needed to make a choice. He needed to decide whether to step over that line that he had drawn that separated him from her—oh hell, he might as well say her name, it’s not like he could protect himself from it anymore—separated him from Pam and risk getting hurt again, or watch his life from behind this line, and tread along the boundaries, wondering what his life could have been. Either way, it seemed, Jim would lose something. His dignity, his heart. And, really, what else was there? So the question rose again. What the hell should he do?
Okay, he thought to himself. Okay. And suddenly, for the first time in what seemed like years, Jim’s head was clear. He knew what he was going to do, hell, what he HAD to do. Moving his thumb to the keypad on his cell phone, he lingered for a second on the SEND button. Clear mind. Understanding came to him, full and complete. He swiftly removed his finger off the SEND button and did it. He pushed DELETE MESSAGE.
Author's Chapter Notes:
for the first time, a chapter in jim's perspective. this is my first try at writing through jim, so bear with me. thank you guys so much for the encouraging and ego-boosting comments. i love you all!
Chapter End Notes:
i really tried to hone in on what jim stood for, and what his character wanted throughout this whole thing. i'm sure there's room for improvement, so comments and rating are definitely apprectiated. and note the words: CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. thanks again, everyone! =)
