So he was actually coming back.
Pam felt as though her heart was so far into her stomach that she couldn’t feel it anymore. From the second that Phyllis had slipped her the secret that Jim was returning to Scranton, Pam had just sat there, staring at an empty office, in some sort of trance. With everyone gone, she was able to think a little clearer.
“I’m fine. Just fine.”
But she had been thinking so much, and saying so little, and now, Pam realized, now was her chance to get what she wanted. Now, he was coming back. Now, she would see him again every day. Now she could laugh effortlessly, and not forcefully. Now, she could say that she was fine, just fine, and mean it.
Euphoria. Perseverance. Elation. Joy. Rapture. Exhilaration. That and every other euphemism for the word ‘happy’ circulated around her brain.
*****
He was going to do it. Jim was really going to take back his old job. “You’re really in for it this time, Halpert,” he thought to himself. A few months ago, he probably would have abandoned his decent-paying Stamford job to move back to Scranton. He would have told Jan no way—politely, of course. He was, much to his own disgust sometimes, a gentleman.—and walked out of that office with the smallest ounce of dignity that he could salvage. But that was before he met Karen.
Jim really didn’t know what was going to happen between him and Karen. Especially since he had a feeling she was only moving to Scranton for him. He liked Karen, he really did. She was basically perfect for him. There was just something missing… Something in her that wouldn’t satisfy Jim. That was why, every time she showed a little affection toward him—wiping away a stray bread crumb after they had eaten lunch one day, or a hug at the end of work—he would shut down completely and push her away. Jim just didn’t think he could go through with all that pain again. The feeling that he was so high in the air, and then having to fall face first into the cement was too much to handle, and twice in one lifetime could be emotionally scarring.
But he didn’t want to think about that. He would have plenty of time to think about that later, when Scranton was tangible. Right now, Jim needed to worry about cleaning out his desk.
As Jim sifted through the assorted trash that had grown sizably in the few months that he had worked here, he smiled, looking at small objects that reminded him of some good times he had here. The opened pack of jell-o mix that he had used to play a classic joke on an unexpecting Andy. The paper with the list of phone numbers that he and Karen had dialed, searching desperately one day in attempts of finding a bag or Herr’s potato chips. A shot glass… how that had gotten there?
“Wow, Jim thought to himself, I might actually miss this place a little bit.”
Suddenly, he saw Karen come into the office.
“Hey!” she said, in a chipper voice. She had been in such a good mood since deciding to take the Scranton job.
Jim was happy she was coming. At least, that was what he kept telling himself. But every time he saw that happy smile, he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt. Maybe it wouldn’t be fair to Karen to let her follow Jim to another state, especially if he couldn’t commit to an actual relationship with her. Then he would selfishly think that she wasn’t coming for him, and that he had no emotional obligation to this woman.
But instead of revealing any of this to Karen, Jim put on his Stamford game face, smiled, and said, “Well, I’m all done packing, so I’m going to get out of here.”
“Okay,” she said, still smiling. “I’ll see you later.”
Jim felt guilty again, and tried to make it up to her by giving her a half-hearted high five. But a high five couldn’t ever make up how when their palms hit each other, he wished more than anything in the world, that hers wasn’t the hand that he was touching.
*****
When Merger day finally arrived, Pam had envisioned the moment when she and Jim would reunite that her brain had exhausted itself. She had worked out every detail. Every strand of hair had to be perfectly in place, every button buttoned, every Michael joke silenced before it could begin. NOTHING was going to ruin this day.
Pam set her alarm for a full hour earlier, so she could obtain all the items on Michael’s demanding list. She also refused to go another day wearing her boring, monochromatic, button-up shirts. It was time to bring out the gorgeous sweater her mom had knit for her. She was saving it for a special occasion, and this was it.
She even dared herself to go a little further and wear make-up to work for the first time in years. Pam mentally prepared herself for the derogatory and probable misogynistic comments she would receive from various employees in the office. Oh well, she sighed to herself, it would be worth it if she got what she wanted. Jim.
*****
His heart was beating faster than it had when he would bike to work in Stamford. Stamford. It seemed to far away now, as Jim did up his tie and took a final look in the mirror.
He was searching for something. Perhaps he was looking at himself to find reassurance, that maybe he could possibly get through this day without a complete mental breakdown. Maybe he was looking to find a tiny piece of courage so that he could face the day making sure that everyone knew that he was alright.
He would have to do it all over again. He’d have to sit in that seat, stare at that computer, put up with Dwight. And yet, he didn’t mind any of these inconsequential troubles, compared to the much larger, yet-to-be-solved problem that was going to once again sit five feet away from him.
******
Pam was growing restless. Two Stamford employees had walked in already, yet still no sign of Jim. She was practically bouncing up and down in her chair, trying as hard as she possibly could to suppress the excitement she felt.
The door opened. Pam straightened her back and looked eagerly as yet another first timer walked through the door. Not Jim. Pam slumped back into her chair.
Pam gave the girl who walked in a second look. Hmm, she thought, she looks nice enough. So she extended her hand in greeting, perhaps hoping to find someone to join her alliance of normalcy in this crazy office. “Hi, I’m Pam,” she said with a genuine smile.
“Hey. I’m Karen. I love your sweater.”
Pam did a mental victory dance, applauding herself on her clothing choice for the day. “Oh, thanks. My mom made it for me.”
Karen seemed to show an interest in this. “Really? You know, I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit—”
Just then Michael came over and cut her off. Oh no, Pam thought. Here he goes again. He made some insulting joke, and *surprise surprise* nobody laughed but him. Though Pam felt sorry for the poor girl, she couldn’t get her eyes off the door, willing it to open with her mind and praying to see Jim’s face behind it.
And it did open. But Jim’s wasn’t the face that she saw. It was some guy named Andy Bernard. Damn it, she thought. Only two people left…
*****
“Pull yourself together,” Jim thought, and he and Martin Nash got into the elevator of the Scranton Business Park. Martin was a nice enough guy, but his mouth wouldn’t seem to close at the exact moment that Jim needed quiet and time to collect himself.
Frankly, Jim was relieved that he didn’t have to enter the office alone, and that he would have another person next to him, making things less awkward. Jim had no idea what he was going to do or say to Pam when he saw her. The last time they had spoke, an unmentioned understanding had fallen between the two of them, and to see her again, after everything that had happened, after all the pain he—and probably she too—had been through, he wasn’t sure if he wanted this. Second guessing himself had become second nature. But then he thought of Karen, and he hated to say it, but she was his safety. Jim mentally cringed as he realized that he was using Karen, but reassured himself that he did have feelings for her. He just didn’t know what those feelings were.
They approached the door. “Dunder Mifflin Paper Co.” Martin reached out his hand to pull open the door. This was it.
*****
Pam saw the door opened. This was it.
Author's Chapter Notes:
i tried something a little bit different with this chapter... tell me what you think.
please please please review! the only way i can keep going is to know what you guys think. tell me anything. is there something you'd like me to change? any feedback is welcome. thank you guys so much for your endless support, and now enjoy another chapter!
please please please review! the only way i can keep going is to know what you guys think. tell me anything. is there something you'd like me to change? any feedback is welcome. thank you guys so much for your endless support, and now enjoy another chapter!
