She couldn’t seem to get the key into the lock, with her hands shaking so badly. Pam took a deep breath, collected her thoughts, and tried again. This time, she got the key in and opened the door.
As she laid her purse and coat on the table, Pam heard rustling in the bedroom.
“Hey, Pam, is that you?” Roy shouted.
“Y-yeah, it’s me.” She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t face him. After what she had done, it just seemed so unfair to Roy.
A few hours ago, her life was so perfect. She was on track: getting married to the man of her dreams, having a best friend who only wanted what was best for her… But that had all changed, well, when Jim changed. It was his last chance, Pam thought to herself as she moved about the apartment, cleaning up the usual mess that Roy had made.
God, nothing was making sense anymore. Pam sat down on the couch, staring straight ahead. Being nothing new to her, Roy did not ask about how the rest of Casino Night went, nor did he even come out of the bedroom to greet her. There were so many things wrong with what she and Roy had. The truth was, she had always felt just a little out of place with him, like there was something wrong, but she could never quite figure out what it was. When their relationship had first begun, he had been the most romantic, the most amazing and thoughtful guy she had ever met. But as the years went by, Roy had seemed to take advantage of their relationship, had cast her aside, and often left her lonely. It seemed to him like second nature to have Pam by his side. Before Jim came along, these little tweaks in their relationship didn’t really bother her, but lately, Roy’s faults seemed to be much more accentuated. He didn’t appreciate her, never did anything romantic for her… Stop complaining, Pam. Long ago, Pam had promised herself she wouldn’t be one of those whiny girlfriends—now fiancée—that got annoyed because Roy didn’t pay any attention to her. Often times Pam seriously thought about leaving Roy, when things got too out of hand, but she could never actually go through with it. The truth was that Pam never really took risks. She was not the brave girl in the movies that always gets her happy ending by doing the one thing she thought she’d never do. Being with Roy was like falling into a habit. Once you’ve made it your routine, it becomes so natural that you ignore the little details, and, eventually, it becomes too hard to get out of. Maybe she was fooling herself into believing that what she had with Roy was still what it had been back in high school.
Roy’s bellowing broke Pam out of her reverie. “Hey, Pam, what did you do with my socks?”
As usual, Pam thought. Rolling her eyes, she hollered back, “Did you check the cabinet?”
“Yeah, I can’t find them.”
Of course he couldn’t find them, Pam thought angrily. And of course he’s putting the blame on me. He could never find anything after he threw it in that pile in their room. Pam didn’t even bother cleaning it up anymore, because it would just grow back again in the next week, like weeds in a garden. Why couldn’t he just be a little more damn responsible when it came to things like this? She had no idea why this suddenly bothered her so much, but she was becoming more infuriated by the second.
And then, something happened to her. The wall that had been holding back everything that she was thinking finally broke down. She knew what she had to do.
Rising from the couch, a sudden sense of determination came over her. The old Pam Beesley was gone, and the blindfold, lifted.
She marched into the bedroom, arriving to see that Roy had turned the room inside out, still in his Dunder Mifflin warehouse uniform. He was lying on his stomach searching under the bed for those stupid socks.
“I don’t know where they went,” Pam said.
Thinking she meant the socks, Roy replied, disgruntled, “Whatever. I’ll just wear a dirty pair.”
“No, Roy.” Her voice was rough, but not shaky. She was a girl with a purpose. “Not the socks. Forget about the damn socks. I’m talking about them. Us. Roy and Pam. Where did we go?”
He looked at her, confused. “Pammy, what the hell are you talking about?”
“Dammit, don’t call me that.” She hated that nickname, but had never bothered to tell him. “We’re different people, Roy. We’re not the same people we were eight years ago.”
Roy had no idea what she was talking about. He got up from his position searching under the bed. “Are you feeling okay?”
“No, in fact I am not feeling well. Don’t you see, Roy? Don’t you feel different?”
He was starting to catch on. Hesitantly, he replied, “Pam, what are you saying?”
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t lie to myself and say that we’re still in love with each other. It’s… it’s over, Roy.” She was not crying. Though she was generally the type to cry in these situations, no tears formed at her eyes.
Roy was completely in shock. He came closer to her. “I-I w-wh-what?
“It’s over,” she stated again, with a clear, steady voice.
He was shaking his head. “Pam, come on. You’re joking, right? It’s been eight years. Eight years! We’ve been through so much. Pam, I love y—”
“No,” she interrupted him, closing her eyes. “No,” she whispered again, “don’t say that. You’re only lying to yourself Roy. We’re not the same people. We want different things.”
“Is this because I left early tonight? Is that it? Please don’t tell me that’s it!”
Typical Roy, not knowing what he had done wrong. “God, no, of course not. There are so many reasons. It’s just… I can’t… I just can’t.”
And then the Roy she knew so well took over. Anger came over him. “So that's it? Are you kidding me, Pam? After eight years, after I proposed to you, and you said YES?!” He was yelling now. He grabbed a tiny statue that they had gotten on their vacation that seemed so long ago. With an angry yell, he threw it at the wall, shattering it into thousands of tiny pieces. Pam jumped, but didn’t mind. She never really liked that thing anyway.
“I have done nothing but love you for the past eight years, and this is how you repay me?!?” he shouted at her.
Looking at him, stone-faced, Pam said what seemed to truly break him. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
The anger left his face. She could see that tears were shaping in his eyes. She hated herself for this stupid power she had to make the people she cared about cry.
Roy grabbed her hands. “What did I do? Tell me what I did, and I promise I’ll never do it again. I’ll change. I’ll be whatever you want me to be. Just… please.” He was begging now.
“It’s not what you did, Roy. It’s not even what I did. It’s who we are. You’d be lying to yourself and to me if you said that we still have what we had in high school. I can’t pretend anymore. This can’t continue. I’m so sorry.” She began to walk out of the bedroom but Roy caught her arm.
“Pam, Pam please. Don’t do this to me. There’s got to be some way we can work this out. We’ll go on a vacation. We’ll leave everything behind and just be together. Just us, huh? How does that sound? We can fall in love all over again. Just please, don’t… don’t leave.” The tears were pouring down his face now. "You can't just say it's over, and expect me to go along with this. I get a say in this too. I can't be without you, Pam. And you may not think so, but I do love you. More than anything in the world."
“I’m so sorry. I can’t.” It seemed like that was her favorite heart-breaking line lately.
"So that's it? You're just going to leave?" His voice was defeated, like he had stopped fighting.
She looked at him one last time, into those dull brown eyes that she had stared into every day for longer than she could remember. He was no longer that guy. And she was no longer that girl. And for the first time in a long time, there was no doubt in Pam Beesley’s mind about what she wanted.
“Goodbye, Roy.” It truly was over.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Chapter End Notes:
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