Jim POV
“We don’t have to pretend anything we don’t want to,” I told her, and the hope that I told myself I wouldn’t feel was all but choking me. Of course Pam’s distress would melt any resistance I thought I had. And I was three new kinds of an idiot for imagining that it wouldn’t.
Her tears were unbearable. “Don’t cry. Please? Or, cry, but just tell me how I can make you feel better. You’re killing me here, Beesly.”
“I came out here because I want you to be happy, but I wasn’t, and that’s ok, really it is. I just, the decorations and the band you helped me pick out, and Karen, and I don’t have a date, and I couldn’t be ok right now. Just not right now. I’m not making any sense.”
“Weirdly, I think you might be.” I made myself lean back a little, away from her and her appealing scent of fresh peaches. “But I’m afraid this time you’re going to have to spell it out for me.”
“I want you to be happy, Jim.” She met my eyes and despite the tears, it was clear she believed what she was saying. “And you and Karen are good together. She makes you laugh and she’s obviously crazy about you and that’s wonderful, it’s good. She’s a nice girl.”
I smiled quizzically, though my cheeks felt stiff. “You came out here crying because Karen is so awesome?”
“No, because I’m a bad friend.”
“You aren’t a bad friend, so I’m glad we could clear that up. Back inside for cocktail weenies and cherry pie filling?” I said, afraid to second-guess her. God, how many times could I let the hope pistol-whip me like this and keep being able to smile and joke and act like some kind of sane human?
“Because I think I want you to be happy, but it hurts to watch you being happy!” she cried. “Do you see how awful I can be? I mean, obviously you already know how awful I am because I sat there and told you how much your friendship meant to me when it was obvious that it hurt you, just because I had no idea how to tell you what you meant to me! You were so close to me, I couldn’t even see what it meant until you were gone. And you kissed me like no one ever had, and I still told you I was marrying Roy because I was such a moron that I thought I still could, or should, or something.”
She got up and began pacing agitatedly in the little space behind the bushes in which we were both crammed. My heart was soaring, because I think she had just spelled it out for me. Pam wasn’t so articulate when it came to naming her feelings, but I’m pretty sure that rant meant at least that she didn’t want me to be with Karen, and maybe even that she had returned my feelings back when I told her I was in love with her, and she just didn’t know how to tell me.
Now, watching her stomp back and forth between the bushes, mad as hell at herself, her eyes red from crying and leaves in her hair, I couldn’t help but grin.
I stood up, deliberately putting myself in her path. She nearly crashed into me before jerking to a stop. “I like Karen,” I told her honestly. Pam’s eyes flickered down, away from mine. “But she’s never sent fake CIA documents to Dwight. Or made paper doves for closing ceremonies. Or invoked the name of the Lord in Chilis.” Pam looked up at me again, uncertainly.
I brushed a kiss over her forehead and felt the thrill all the way to my toes. “Karen would never have thought to combine the Christmas parties again so that Angela wouldn’t feel bad.” I took her hands, and was exultant again when she didn’t pull them away. I kissed the knuckles of her right hand, then her left.
“Maybe I wasn’t clear enough the first time. I thought you understood, but if you did, you would never think I’d be happier with Karen than with you. I’m not just attracted to you. I don’t just like your beauty, or your gorgeous smile, the one that makes your eyes sparkle and my mouth go dry. I don’t just like the way you get all my jokes, or the way you can make me laugh like no one else I’ve ever known, or the way you can’t help but try to make everyone happy, even when they aren’t always nice to you, or the way you unabashedly love your parents.”
Pam was starting to smile, but I wasn’t done yet. Finally, the truth didn’t hurt me to think about, to say out loud, and I wasn’t going to stop until I said every bit of it. Or until she kissed me.
I spoke slowly, so she’d hear every word of the truth. “I don’t just love you. I admire and respect everything about who you are, and I couldn’t possibly be happy anywhere that wasn’t as close to you as you’ll let me be.”
I cupped her face in my hands, amazed as I always was that any person could be as precious to me as she had become. I kissed her with all those feelings, letting her feel the truth of every word I’d given her. Her lips were soft and warm, and I was careful with her, because she had been sad, and I wanted her to feel cherished, and not alone. I didn’t really want her to know how badly I wanted to take her to bed. Not yet anyway. Not until I was sure she wanted that too.
But then I felt her small hands on my chest, and she was pushing me away. I released her stunned. Though why the hell should I be surprised at rejection anymore?
“But wait,” she said, not stepping away from me. “When I asked you out, why didn’t you want to go, then?”
My head must have been even more befuddled by her kiss than I thought, because I had no idea what she was talking about. “When you asked me out? Um, you didn’t.”
“I did so!” she said heatedly. “The first day you got back to Scranton, I asked you out to coffee. I was going to tell you everything- about Roy, about how I felt, how much I missed you. But you lied and said you couldn’t go. And for all your legendary dead-pan, you can’t lie for anything, Halpert.”
“Because you just wanted to catch up! Talk about old times, be all buddy-buddy again!” I said, genuinely caught off guard. “I couldn’t let myself get that close to you again. I knew that when I agreed to come back. I actually figured you knew that, too.”
She shoved me, and I stumbled back a little. She pointed her little index finger fiercely at me. “You, Jim Halpert, are an idiot, if you didn’t know I was asking you out.”
I shrugged and admitted it. “Idiot. Signed, sealed and delivered. Ask me out again, and I promise I’ll do better.”
“Coffee tomorrow?” she asked, that mischievous little smile of hers tugging at every heartstring I possessed. Assuming, of course that the heart was a string instrument. The way mine was acting, it might have been closer to the percussion section of the orchestra.
“Coffee anytime,” I promised Pam, reaching for her. She came easily into my arms. So easily that I had to wonder how we didn’t do this the first week we knew each other. “I’ve got to go back in and talk to Karen soon,” I warned her, reluctant to bring it up but knowing I didn’t want to delay that talk. I owed Karen that much.
“I know.” She regarded me seriously, then stood on her tiptoes and planted a little kiss on my collarbone.
“I love you, Jim.”
Then she smiled and admitted. “I sketched you when you were gone, just so I could see your face.”
I bent to nip her earlobe, enjoying her gasp. “Was I naked?” I teased.
When she didn’t respond, I pulled away to see her blushing furiously. I laughed. “No way! Why Beesly, you little minx!” I hugged her and let her hide her face in my chest, and laughed some more, no longer worried about the cameras finding us. Or Michael, or Dwight, or the goddamn Canadian mounted police. Like anyone could blame me for loving this woman. Or for making a fool of myself over her, or for kissing her another hundred times or so, which I fully intended to do before going back inside.
She beat me to it, winding her arms around my neck and pulling me down until she could reach my lips. She started out hesitant, but soon she had my head spinning and I had to pull away or sit down in a very undignified manner.
I smiled crookedly at her. “Guess we might have written off that happily ever after a little too soon, eh?”
Chapter End Notes:
I'd love reviews! Especially feedback on how I did at capturing Jim's character- I feel like I got close but not quite there. I can't put my finger on exactly why it isn't right, so if anybody has ideas, I would like to hear them!
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