Season 1/Season2:
”You Don’t Know Me” (Ray Charles & Diana Krall)
Lyrics
And then you say, "Hello."
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
Jim used to always wonder what people really meant when they talked about love at first sight. How was it possible to feel so deeply for another person without knowing anything about them? Maybe they meant lust at first sight. That was something he had experienced before and could safely say that lust is not the same as love. It wasn’t that he was a cynic. Not at all, actually. Not when he grew up witnessing his parents. They were everything that he thought love should be. And they never tried to convince him or his siblings that they fell in love at first sight. Theirs was a love that grew and deepened over time, happy and sad and everything in between.
Yet, even thinking and believing all of this, when he met Pam, he just knew. At first sight (he wanted to look at her forever), first sound (he wanted to listen to her forever), and first touch (he wanted to hold her forever). He fell so hard and so fast that he began to wonder why people didn’t believe in love at first sight. So what if he didn’t know her entire family history? He knows that her smiles make him happy. Her laughter makes him feel alive. Her presence brightens his day. He knows that he would lay the world at her feet…if only she would let him.
But that ring on her finger makes Jim wish that he remained ignorant of that “love at first sight” business.
Who dreams of you each night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
They’ve reached a level of comfort in their friendship where they can joke around and playfully hit one another. A quick hug was even permitted on those special occasions like his birthdays or hers. They were best friends. To Jim, though, Pam was so much more than a best friend. He documented each of those moments in his mind, like a miser hoarding something precious.
When she fell asleep on his shoulder during an interminable meeting, he closed his eyes and allowed himself the luxury of pretending that they were alone, on his couch after a nice evening out. If only she were his, he would watch her as she slept and then kiss her awake.
As he held her hand and told her about convincing Dwight to dye his hair and go to Stamford, he couldn’t help but think that, if she were his, he would always hold her hand. He would hold her hand in the car and from the car into the office. He would hold her hand as they strolled down the street. He wouldn’t need an excuse to take her hand in his.
If he was forced to choose a favorite from his collection of memories, it would have to be her drunken kiss. He replayed that most in his mind. He imagined kissing her much deeper than just closed lips and clumsy hugs. He would pull her close to him, all the while looking at her, lowering his lips and slowly tasting her. Each kiss would be deeper and longer than the last. If he was honest with himself, his imagination always took him further than kisses. Sometimes when he was awake, but more often as he slept. And when his guilt passed, he would look forward to the next day when, maybe, he could add another moment to his growing collection.
That's all I've ever been.
No you don't know me
He thinks that sometimes Pam doesn’t really know him as much as she’d like to think she does. Granted, they talked about a lot of things best friends talked about--their families and friends, their likes and dislikes, every-day occurrences and special events. In some instances, Pam probably knows him better than everyone else.
But because their relationship is strictly as friends, there were some topics that were never broached in their conversations. She was allowed to complain about Roy and find a sympathetic listener in him, but they rarely talked about any fun times that she and Roy shared. He was grateful for this unspoken rule because, otherwise, he might have taken to alcohol to dull those images.
His dating life was another forbidden topic of discussion. He was allowed to laugh with her over his crazy dates. If they were normal and he managed to enjoy himself, the same rule applied. He could never tell Pam that, while he enjoyed those dates, she was never far from his mind. Truth be told, those other women were only poor substitutes for Pam in his mind. He was glad that she didn’t know him well enough to guess the depth and depravity of his feelings and thoughts.
Beside the lucky guy
It’s hard to figure out when he should have stopped. Maybe he should have played along with her joke and both could have gone back inside the makeshift casino. Except the words “I’m in love with you” carried more meaning now than ever before. Maybe he shouldn’t have followed her back into the office. But then, he finally tasted her lips the way he’d always imagined and that wasn’t something he could bring himself to regret.
Maybe he should have stopped even before that. Removing himself from the path of temptation would have been wise. Not going to the reception desk every day. Not spending all his lunches and breaks with her. Not finding excuses to email or IM or even phone her. But he realized long ago that when it came to Pam, logic didn’t apply. Otherwise, that ring on her finger would have put a stop to all of this longing and heartbreak.
And even as he berated himself for his foolish behavior, he still sat in his car on the darkened street and waited. He wasn’t sure if he was courageous enough to try for the third time. Maybe he was simply hoping against hope that she would run out and tell him that she lied. He didn’t realize that there was still hope in his heart until he saw Roy’s truck pull in to pick her up.
The one who loved you so
Well, you don't know me
The drive to Stamford was nice. It gave him time to get used to the emptiness that seemed to be his companion these days. Not seeing her since that night helped. And he guessed she knew him well enough to not make any contact. But then, if she really knew him, he wouldn’t be driving away from her.
As he reached the city limit of his new life, he thought that maybe the people who were skeptical of love at first sight were right after all. Maybe believing in that would bring less pain.
Maybe.