Chapter 2

OK, maybe not “in love” with her. Pam mentally backpedaled from the thought as quickly as she could. After all, the source of her information was Michael Scott. “And you how Michael gets.”  However, Michael had certainly sounded sincere, and Jim had consented to an off-site lunch with him - so something was up.  

And anyway, it felt sort of true. 

Pam pretended not to watch as Kelly pretended to be discreet about telling every person in the office. More than once, Pam looked up to see someone quickly looking away. Phyllis smiled sympathetically, Kevin leered, and Angela just frowned. (Despite her inner turmoil, Pam mentally noted that Angela was actually exhibiting a previously-unsuspected level of disapproval. It was the sort of thing she would have told Jim about, if he wasn’t in love with her. Which he wasn’t. Probably.)  

Pam played game after game of solitaire, distracting her eyes and her hands while her mind whirled. “We’re friends. We’re friends. If he…has feelings…then it ruins everything, because you can’t be friends with someone who…has feelings. But I can’t not be friends with Jim! I need Jim. He’s my best friend. He’s my best friend even if he is…I mean, if he does…”  

The whispers and sideways looks continued. Michael had shut himself up in his office to avoid her- or maybe to avoid Jim, whose secret he’d told, even if Michael had the secret all wrong, which she kept telling herself was the most likely scenario. Finally, Pam grabbed a stack of old memos and turned around to file them. It was unnecessary busy work, but at least she could keep her back to the rest of the office.  

It didn’t really help. Pam could still hear her name in low voices. Worse, she could hear every move Jim made at his desk: the tapping of his long fingers against his keyboard, the slight swish-swish as he restlessly twisted his chair back and forth, even the tiny vocalization he made when he cleared his throat. She heard his distinct stride as he walked away from his desk, and suddenly she wondered if it was weird that she had his sounds memorized.  

“What if he is in love with me?” She made herself complete the thought, despite the scorching heat it brought to her face. “What if the harmless flirting we do is really… flirting?  What if he really thinks of me that way?” A small smile started to play on her lips. She and Jim were just friends, of course, but he was handsome and funny and tall. She’d often privately thought that he’d be a wonderful boyfriend. The thought had crossed her mind that he’d be a good husband, and father. She’d wondered, in passing, if he was a good kisser (she’d firmly stopped herself from wondering anything beyond that). He was so great. He couldn’t really be interested in her, could he? 

Suddenly, a wave of guilt hit her; Pam gripped the stack of files on her lap to stay steady. She shouldn’t even be considering this! She was engaged! She and Roy were going to finally get married and everything would be… 

“Exactly the same.” Pam wondered wildly when her brain had developed a mind of its own. It was the word “finally” that had tripped her up. They’d been together for years. They’d been engaged for years. Roy hadn’t really changed in any significant way since he’d gotten his first job after high school, and he didn’t particularly want her to change, either. No big dreams, no adventures, no romance, no extravagance. She could live without those things. She’d been doing without them for years. That was her life with Roy. Nothing was going to change.   

“But what if…” 

Jim was still away from his desk when Pam turned back around. She thought he had headed for the restroom; now was as good a time as any to try to get something to drink without having to talk to him.

 It was a good effort, but he caught her in the break room. He was smiling, sort of, but there was something in his eyes that she’d seen before.  

“Hey,” he said. 

Pam smiled nervously. “Hey,” she answered. 

“He’s lying”, Pam’s brain said, which didn’t make any sense because all Jim had said was “Hey,” which wasn’t really something you could lie about. She looked at him more closely. 

“Hey, oh, listen, um, Kelly told me you overheard Michael say…I didn’t want you to think. Um, yeah, so, I told Michael on the booze cruise… It's so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when I first started here.”  

An old crush. Yes, that made more sense. That’s exactly the sort of thing Michael would over-inflate.  “That’s also exactly what Jim would tell me if he didn’t want to rock the boat.” 

“Oh,” was all Pam could manage to force out.  

Jim was smiling, embarrassed, trying to downplay his embarrassment. “Well I thought that, I mean… you know how Michael gets.” 

Yes. Yes, she did. That made sense. “Right.” 

Jim looked marginally relieved. “So, regardless of what he said…seriously, it's totally not a big deal, ok? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean…” 

“OK.” Pam knew what Jim needed- for her to act surprised, tease him a little, maybe even acknowledge that she had suspected way back then. They’d laugh, she’d go back to her desk, and they’d go back to their friendship. “But he’s lying,” her brain insisted.  

And just like that, she couldn’t do it. She didn’t want to do it. She didn’t want to bail him out, make things easier. If he was telling the truth, it would all sort itself out without her help. If he wasn’t…She gave him a half smile and walked back to her desk. In her mind, she could picture his face: unsure, expectant, and a little panicked, as he always was when their banter crossed the line into flirtation. That expression was suddenly starting to make a whole lot more sense to her.