It took her a solid three minutes to work up the courage to let go of her steering wheel and step out of the car. Looking up at the familiar yellow and red window awnings, Pam lets out a shaky little sigh. Roy and she had come for coffee and brunch at the same homey diner for the better part of their relationship. There was nothing remarkable about it or her memories surrounding it, but approaching the entry now, there's a sense of finality hanging in the air that had been markedly absent before.
A jingle overhead dimly signals her entrance, and Pam catches Roy's attention immediately. Her lips thin together, and her heart launches into her throat. Her instinct is to turn and bolt, but she can't do that. She owes him more than that.
She owes herself more than that.
Pam walks up to the table by the window, trying not to look as nervous as she feels inside. Roy quirks her a soft smile, soothing her anxiety in the simple gesture, and she reflects sadly at how well he knows her while somehow not really knowing her at all.
"I ordered for you already," he tells the contents of his soda, not meeting her gaze as she takes off her cardigan and sits across from him where a coffee mug stands ready. "Been sitting here for a while."
Pam blinks at him and checks her wrist watch. "You know I don't get off until-"
"Well, one of us doesn't have a job," Roy reminds her petulantly with a glance from under his eyebrows, and Pam's stomach aches with the reminder.
But she won't feel bad for him about that, she tells herself. She narrows her eyes at him as she picks up her coffee with both hands. It's lukewarm by now.
"Yeah, and whose fault is that?" Pam softly wonders, trying not to sound too biting.
"Mine," Roy nods and ducks his head.
Pam's a little impressed at his quickness to accept responsibility, and she leaves it at that. Pursed lips sip at the room temperature liquid, and she wrinkles her nose. He always adds one extra sugar, she fights off a glare down at her mug and sets it back down. Pam starts to open her mouth to say something, but when she meets his eyes, whatever it was dies in her throat.
And they stare like that for a few seconds, before both break and glance away.
Roy's the first to make a sound, heaving a sigh that shakes his shoulders. He sucks his teeth and shakes his head, eyes looking away through the blinds to his left. "I'm really sorry, Pammy."
When she doesn't say anything, he glances at her, and continues on to the window pane. "I shouldn't have done all that. I know, I just-" He hesitates, then sighs again. She watches his throat bob as he takes a long swallow out of his cup, notices his fingers strain around it as he puts it back down. "I just couldn't stop thinking about the two of you together after that, and I- I don't know what I'm doing."
Since they've broken up, Pam has often felt adrift in life, not knowing what direction to turn - stuck in park with no clue of what to do. And if she's being completely honest, she kinda felt like that before they had broken up, too.
It's her turn to sigh, and she nods. "Me too," she admits. Her mouth tilts to the side sadly, and she looks up to see him looking back. Actually listening. In that moment, she doesn't recall if he's ever looked at her with such attention, and it strikes Pam squarely in the chest that if she doesn't say what she needs to now, she may never get the opportunity again.
Pam sucks in a tight breath, and presses on, "I never cheated on you, Roy-"
"I know, Pam-"
"No, you don't," Pam cuts him off with a pointed look. He quiets. "I never cheated on you … not-" She bites her lip, ignores the flipping of her insides, and swallows. "Not… really."
She feels him tense across from her, doesn't even have to look up, and she doesn't know if she could look at him right now anyway. But Roy stays silent, and Pam takes that as her cue to continue.
"There were lots of reasons to call off our wedding, but the truth is that I … I had-have" she corrects softly, "... feelings. For Jim."
He's still silent, and Pam can't take much more of it. Expecting to find him red-faced and puffy with fury, she's caught off-guard to find him with hurt and confusion wrote across his face.
Pam gulps. "I'm sorry," she blurts and bites her lip. "I should've said something sooner-"
"Why didn't you?" Roy interrupts, voice surprisingly non accusatory.
The heat rising from her chest into her cheeks burns bright, and Pam can't stop the blush of shame despite how badly she wishes she could. "I don't know," she mumbles down at the table. "I think I was … scared?" She sighs bitterly at herself and shakes her head. "I mean, I know that doesn't help."
Roy exhales slowly and rubs a hand across his face. She listens to him scratch at his stubble, still unable to meet his gaze. "Well, I guess it doesn't really matter now, huh?" He sounds almost amused in his defeat, and it softens the situation enough that she can make eye contact with him.
Roy looks about as tired as she feels. She draws up a wry smile, and pulls another drink from her mug. They share the silence for a few heartbeats, before Roy sighs again and puts his soda down. "So, you guys gonna go out now, or what?"
Pam's heart slams hard inside her chest, and she tries hard to seem like she doesn't know what he's talking about. "Uhm… no? He has a girlfriend, so..."
His confusion makes her look away, and she hears Roy scoff at her. "So, you're not even gonna try to go out with him? Wait a minute, I mean- you kissed the guy." Off her head shake, Roy just turns away, mystified by her seeming ambivalence. "I don't get you, Pam…"
"I know," she sighs, and it's the truth of the matter that stings the most.
They finish their drinks in quick order shortly after that, and Roy cites meeting up with Kenny as a reason to depart. They share an awkward farewell, but when Pam finally settles back down into her car, it's almost like the air feels lighter around her.
A weight is finally off her shoulders, one she hadn't totally been aware of until now, and she feels like she can breathe completely for the first time in a long time.
xxx
Jim has been ignoring Karen's texts for the better part of the evening. After she dropped him off at home, he'd asked for some space (ooh, man, she did not appreciate that terminology) and she had begrudgingly obliged him. The shock of the day had begun to fetter out around 6:00 PM, and now Jim kind of wished he had let her stay. Now, another anxiety was beginning to creep up, and not even the couple of beers he had downed could suppress its internal climb.
Pam's lips had been on his lips nearly 24 hours ago - less than, even. And he didn't quite know what to make of it. He really didn't know that you could feel so many emotions all at once, but here he was - anxious, excited, mortified, guilty, confused, angry, disappointed, embarrassed, and (god he was a shitty person) aroused if he thought too long on it.
He takes another swig as his phone vibrates against his thigh, dreading what he'll see this time. Jim digs it out of his pocket and flips it open to reveal 12 missed texts and 2 missed calls from Karen. He's already chewed a hole in his cheek - the one not swollen and tender.
Embarrassment flares anew, and his stomach hurts from it, so he takes a couple more pulls and finishes off his third drink to try and kill it.
In all his life, Jim's never been in a real physical altercation outside of brother-on-brother violence. Even when he had thought of all the ways Roy should fuck off, none of them included the two of them getting into a fight.
Or, Jim supposes, getting his ass handed to him, as it were.
He drags his hand over his mouth a few times, trying desperately to wipe away the memory of the other night, as his other hand palms his cell anxiously. He knows what he should do; he knows what he's supposed to do. And then there's what he wants to do, now that he knows Pam is…
She kissed him. She told him she'd called off her wedding for him. There she was, basically offering herself on a platter, and she'd looked so pretty. If he hadn't been so mad and confused at the time, Jim's not sure if he'd have been able to let her go, then. But he remembered Karen. He remembered responsibility. And most of all, he had remembered the hurt Pam had caused him over and over again.
The hurt he had caused himself, over and over and over again.
Too little too late, right? That's what it should've felt like… but it wasn't. What was it about her? Why couldn't he pull away?
Jim's so lost in the depth of his heart, he hadn't heard the doorbell the first couple times. But the jingle drags him up out of that darkness, and he startles at the sound.
Off the fourth or fifth eager press of the bell, he hollers as he bounds toward the door, "Hold on, I'm coming, I'm coming!"
He unlatches the top lock and all the breath in his lungs is knocked out clear out when he swings the door open to find Karen on the other side. Her eyes are red-rimmed and angry and hurting in a way he knows very well, and he doesn't know why he's surprised to see her.
To his left, his hand slides down the door frame, an unconscious move to prevent her entry. He realizes it too late when he catches her glancing at the motion.
"Hey," he gruffs, suddenly left awkward in his own doorway.
"You've been ignoring me," Karen accuses, and to his credit he has enough shame to look away. "What's the matter with you?"
Jim sighs and presses his thumb and index fingers into both eyes. He doesn't want to look at her; he doesn't want to really look at anything that isn't the lonely inside of his apartment. "Karen, look, I can't right now-"
"You can't?" She sounds furious and incredulous. Jim doesn't dare try to peek at her. "Jim, I'm trying here-"
"Yeah, I know," his voice comes out as a bark when he hadn't meant it to. Karen takes a step back from under the porch light, and he immediately feels bad for it. After all, none of it is her fault in the least.
Under the weight of it all, his shoulders begin to sag, and he just shakes his head at his feet. "Hey... I'm sorry. I'm just … really done with today, alright?"
"Done with today, or done with me?"
It takes everything in him not to roll his eyes at her petulance. "God, Karen, c'mon-"
"Why did he hit you, Jim?"
He opens his mouth, but he doesn't have an answer. Not one he's ready to tell her, anyway. Jim closes his lips firmly and gives a single roll of his shoulder, and Karen exhales shakily.
"...Can I come in?" She asks, and he looks up and hates seeing the tears pooling at the edges of her eyes. Jim's too exhausted to argue, so he just nods and steps aside reluctantly so she can pass. Once she's through the threshold, he pauses just before closing the door to suck in some fresh air and rally himself for the oncoming battle.
He doesn't want to drag this out. He knows what he's gotta do. But his body's just aching for sleep, to avoid this whole debacle, to just crawl in a hole and pretend nothing outside exists. He's gotten pretty familiar with that feeling in the past; it's an easy one to fall into. However, Karen is standing in the middle of his living room with her arms hugging her middle so tightly Jim's glad it's not him, and he knows that's not an option for him.
He gestures lamely at her, then the couch. "You want to sit?" She follows his gesture, but her eyes freeze at the drinks on the table, then shoot back up at him. "Or a drink?"
"No, I'm good," she hesitantly murmurs and he just nods at her. "... So, are we gonna talk about it?"
"Talk about what?"
She scoffs and makes an ugly face at him. "Do you need another reminder?"
Jim folds his lips and notices he's been nodding this whole time. He shakes it off and tongues at the hole in his cheek. "Karen, listen-"
"Is it because of Pam?"
"Yes," his mouth answers before his brain has time to tell him no. The whole room goes quiet, or maybe it's just in his head, but when his guilty eyes find her, it's like a kick in the stomach. Karen's already let a couple tears out, and she looks ashamed at having been caught. But he can't stop now. "...Yeah, it was because of Pam."
She looks away. He hears her sniffle into the collar of her coat, and she mumbles, "...Why?"
His heart's gonna jump into his throat. The truth is right there in his mouth, making him sick on it. Jim could probably get away with avoiding it - he's made it this far, right - but looking at her he knows he can't do that to her. Not to any girl. He's not that kind of guy; he never could be, even if he wanted to be … which he doesn't. He's just not built for it.
He swallows thickly and shoves his hands into his pockets, wishing he could make himself shrink as small as he feels inside.
"Jim?" Her soft voice pleads and stings his eyes.
"I…" He begins, but it can't come out. Jim squeezes his eyes closed and starts again, "I… I kissed her." Karen's quiet gasp makes him want to heave, but he pushes out the truth anyway. "Last night, after I dropped you off at home." The words just fall out of him, his mouth on autopilot while his brain reconstructs the memory for the thousandth time that day. "We went to Poor Richard's for some drinks, and ...I don't know, Karen. I'm sorry-"
"You're sorry?" Is her disbelieving response, and Jim doesn't have it in him to look up at her. "That's what you have to say to me?"
"I still have feelings for her," he admits to her for the second time in their relationship, and she actually hiccups across from him and he spares her a glance of concern. "I really tried, Karen. I didn't want..."
"You son of a bitch," she seethes at him, almost immediately to her feet from the couch. "I gave up my life to follow you, here. I could've-" Karen stops, her voice and body shaking with hurt as she snarls at him in disgust. "Do you think that's fair?"
"No," Jim says quietly. "I'm sorry."
"Jesus, stop saying you're sorry! You're not sorry!"
He just nods silently in return, wishing she wasn't just a little bit right.
The tension breathes between them for one of the longest minutes of Jim's life, and he knows she's daring him to look back up at her. He gives in and glances up, and he winces at the absolute anger radiating off of her.
"...What now?" He wonders softly, whether of himself or of her, he isn't sure which.
"Well," she sniffs and runs the back of her index finger under her nose, straightens herself a little taller, "I'm not going anywhere. You can forget that. If you think for one second I'm gonna give up my career because of you, you're dead wrong."
"Karen…"
Karen just shakes her head, trying so hard not to screw up her face in an effort not to cry. "Just- shut up, Jim," she breathes nastily and stomps around him toward the front door. "I don't even know you. God, I can't believe I was worried about you." Her hand snatches the door open furiously, and she casts him a withering look over her shoulder. Jim watches her as she eyes his face, and her watery, weak laugh makes his insides run cold.
"You deserve what you got," she mutters darkly, before twisting out the door with a slam behind her.
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali
© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali