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I can’t say that I was completely shocked when I found Jim’s will tucked away in his tool drawer. He’d been acting guarded and secretive since the end of his last radiation session. Things like minimizing the computer window when I entered the room, always eager to check the mail before I did, and talking on the phone behind closed doors …. It was all very uncharacteristic of him.
So, when I found the manila envelope sealed with an official stamp, my suspicions were confirmed. Something inside of me died.
I confronted him. Jim never denied me anything. He came clean, told me everything, and it was too much for me to handle.
You name the emotion, I felt it. Anger, sadness, fury.... I just didn't know what to feel. I just kept thinking of him not…being here. And that made my stomach churn, my skin crawl, my head spin. I can’t live without him and his love for Cece …. God Cece, she loves him so much. I might have her in my arms, but its Jim’s pinky she has her tiny fingers curled around.
After the hurt subsided, I began to see his side, it’s blurry and fuzzy, but I see it. He’s being Jim. He is just taking care of his family because that’s what he does, even if it breaks him, he will always take care of me and Cece, and I know accepting this as his fate kills him.
Well, I take every day as it comes now. Twenty-four hours, too many minutes, an infinity of seconds. Time, time, time—a dressmaker specializing in alteration. I sound like my mother.
This past month, though, has been… great. It’s like we are us again—before this whole thing happened. Us when we moved into the house, when we got married, when we found out about Cece. Us before the possibility of losing him clouded my mind.
I think that’s why this month also flew by. We were too happy, too peaceful. Looking back it felt like one long, hazy summer day. We've managed to keep our trepidation at bay and truly cherish the time we have together. But as the days trickled away, our barricades slowly collapsed and before we knew it, his operation was around the corner, staring at us, mocking us into despair.
The day before the surgery I come home from work early to find the house dark, save for a soft flicker of light shimmering through the living room window. I key inside and am completely engulfed by the wonderful aroma of food cooking. I follow the delicious smell and a smile tugs the corners of my lips.
I round the corner to the patio and I see Jim seating on our wicker love seat cradling Cece in his arms. He is completely unaware of my presence and my eyes fixate on the scene before me. Jim has Cece all bundled up. She looks like Kenny from South Park.
She’s wide awake and her big green eyes gaze up at him in wonder. He makes nonsensical sounds, trying to steal a quick smile from her, but she just stares. When she does smile and waves her clenched fists in the air, he showers her with kisses. She gurgles in response and that beautiful grin of his makes an appearance.
I’m so spellbound by my husband and daughter that my purse slides from my shoulder and falls to the floor with a thump.
Jim quickly whips his head around, startled. “What the—Hey…” He immediately gets up from the chair and walks towards me. “You’re home early.” He gives me a quick kiss and adds, “How long have you been standing here?”
“I um...... Just got here,” I say and reach for Cece. Jim lowers our little pink bundle to me and her little eyes lock with mine. “Hi, baby girl. You missed me? I missed you.” I squeeze her and hold her really close. “So,” I say sniffing my way further into the patio. “What’s all this I smell?”
Jim walks in front of me and blocks my view. “You’re not supposed to be here…Why you home early?”
I try to push my way so I can see what he obviously has on the grill, but he holds me back.
“Let me just—” I say, trying to squeeze by.
“It’s a surprise.” He kisses my forehead and says, “Go wash up and I'll have everything ready when you come down.”
“Okay…” I say warily, but not before I try to stretch my neck one last time to see what he’s fussing about, but it’s a lost cause.
I go upstairs, lay Cece on our bed, and un-bundle her. She flutters her little legs and arms freely in the air—just so happy to be here. She’s looking more and more like Jim as the days go by.
I forget all about why I came up here and just stare at her, kissing her, tickling her impossibly chubby feet. She gurgles and Jim’s smile adorns her face. It is then that I realize it might be just the two of us for a while.
I cry.
But I'm quick to pull myself together and shake those thoughts out of my mind. Jim's not gone. He's here. And today is a day for good thoughts.
I go downstairs and the smell of steak sizzling on the grill engulfs me. I go to the patio and I’m wordless with the scene before me. There are roses on our little patio table and plates and folded napkins and little Christmas lights dangling everywhere and everything is just so perfect.
I feel his hand on my shoulder and when I turn he says, “I have steak and potatoes on the grill. And I have this,” he says pulling a bottle of sparkly from behind him.
Cece’s attention turns to Jim at the sound of his voice like flowers turning to the sun. I have no words. I stand there, looking at the twinkling lights for a minute, but it is one of the longest minute of my life. Seconds goes by each separated from the next by an eternity and I just want to stay here, trapped in this moment forever.
I put on a smile and Jim reciprocates the gesture. To an outsider, he looks happy. But I know all the subtle nuances of his face, I know each and every twitch and flicker that ever rippled across it. And I can clearly see all kinds of sad. I have no doubt he can see the same in mine.
I silently realize this is his way of saying goodbye.
Jim sees right through me and puts his hands on top of mine, on top of our baby. A smile tugs the corner of his lips. He tilts his head knowingly and I hear his words echoing in my head, "Just let me do this, for you, for Cece, please?"
There's so much I want to say to him, but the words vaporize on my tongue. The knot that I'd suppressed this past month has wound a notch tighter. Our eyes meet and I break just a little. I feel his arms circling tightly around my waist. Cece squirms between us.
He pulls back and wipes my pesky tears with the pad of his thumbs. I ignore the glassy look of his eyes.
"You hungry?" He asks, his voice just above a whisper.
"Yeah," I say.
I lay Cece on her bouncy seat and watch her extend her little arms to grab the mobile. I'm glad she doesn't understand what today could be. But she'll always know how amazing her dad is, how he's loved her before she was born, and even before she was conceived. Jim has always loved Cecelia.
We pretend to eat, moving our food from one end of the plate to the other. We can't stomach anything right now. But we pick at the food anyways and in no certain terms we let the other know we're full.
We clear the table, mostly in silence, but enough is heard between us. After everything is put away, Jim lifts our now slumbering babe from her seat and we settle on the wicker love seat. It's a clear night and a cool breeze wisps pasts us. We cuddle closer.
"She's getting big really fast," he says, though I'm not so sure that's what is really on his mind. But I go with it. It's better than facing the alternative.
"I know. She's getting chubby."
"We gotta enroll her in a baby gym. Do you think they have those?" Jim plants a gentle kiss on her head and adds, "Perhaps more fruits and veggies and less milk." He traces the baby folds under her neck.
I chuckle and lay my head on his shoulder. Our ability to joke provides a slim but vital margin between sanity and some sort of nervous breakdown.
The small patio washes in silence, but not for long. Jim clears his throat and utters words I've been dreading all night.
"Pam, I need to tell you something."
As the words tumble out of his mouth, I begin to feel the burning sensation arise in the back of my eyes and his tone spikes a fright, a degree closer to panic inside me. I know exactly what he's about to say.
"Jim, just--"
"No, I need you to listen to me."
I swallow, forcing the knot down my throat. My heart beats so hard and so fast I think it will tear itself right clear of my chest.
"If things don't go as planned tomorrow--"
"Jim, please..." I protest.
"Just listen, kay? I don't want you to be scared. If I it happens, just know that I—” his voice, previously cool, guarded, breaks and tears escape from the back of my eyes, "Just know that I love you and Cece and.... Pam, I haven't given up. I promise, but.... Hey...."
I'm openly sobbing on his shirt, clutching his arm, fearing if I let go he will too.
He kisses the top of my head, pulls me closer and continues. "I've asked Pete to take care of everything. You won't need to worry about anything after."
I don't respond. I...can't. I want to yell, but my lips don't move. I can feel them—and my tongue, lying on the floor of my mouth, stunned—but I can't move my lips.
"I made a care package for Cece. I know you found the letters and all...." He releases a tear soaked breath and looks down at me... "I want her to know how much I love her, you know?" he says and nuzzles Cecelia's neck. "I love her so much."
I nod. That's all I will myself to do. This sort of pain is just short of excruciating. I'm afraid if I say or move I will collapse in a puddle of despair.
"And Pam," he turns his head completely towards me. "You've been the one from the very beginning. I knew right away. And..." Tears slowly roll down his cheek. "I want more than anything for you to be happy... I want you--"
Before he can finish, I silence him with my trembling lips. "Don't say it." I whisper around his lips. We kiss agonizingly slow. "It's always been you, always. Just you. It will always be you."
We remain, holding one another for a while. No need for words. What is there to say?
Later, we put Cece to bed and for the first time, in longer than we both care to remember, we make love-unhurriedly, desperately, too intimate for words.
After, we lay pressed against each other. I remember when we used to lay forehead to forehead, sharing afterglow kisses and whispering with our eyes drifted close. Less than a year ago we whispered about tiny curled toes, first smiles, first words, first steps. And now we lay in the dark night thinking of our lasts.
I let sleep come and take me. I dream of things I'm too scared to remember and I wake up in cold sweat later. I inch closer to Jim and lay my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat and I think, Don't leave me, please don't leave me.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, I'm so, sorry for the wait. This chapter was REALLY hard to write for a number of reasons. This topic is just hard to write, period. I know it might not be people's cup of tea, but just stay with me a little longer, kay? Thanks!
EmilyHalpert has been just amazing throughout this rollercoaster ride.
Still own nothing.
Chapter End Notes:
Thanks for reading! Oh, and I made a commitment to reply to all your reviews. So, let me know if I should throw myself off a cliff and end all this angst.
