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A/N - I was going to try and go over these chapters and edit them a little, but I wanted to keep the original body of work in tact. So, there's that.
Pam drove her little blue Yaris into the long driveway of the house she grew up in. The outside of her childhood home always remained unchanged. A big wrap around porch, double seated porch swings on either side of the door, flowers in the front garden. A big oak tree off to the left side of the house stood tall.
Pam stared at the tree for a moment, vivid memories flooding her mind of the times Penny and she would use that tree trunk for things such as home base for a game of tag, or as a place to hang their ‘Lemonade for Sale’ signs during the summer days when they weren’t at volleyball camp. The shutters on the sides of the second level windows were painted a light shade of blue, a nice contrast to the stark white of the rest of the house.
Making her way up the few steps leading to the front door, she looked at the porch swings. Her mind brought her back to the time she sat there with her mom. It was the night Roy left her at a hockey game. Even though now she could hear her mother’s words, telling her that sometimes things just aren’t meant to be, that the person she is meant to be with would never forget her anywhere at any time. That night Pam told her mom about all the dreams she had for the future. She wanted to be involved in art, she hoped to one day see the world, travel to Italy and California, fall in love with someone who understood her, and raise a family, in a house that resembled the one she sat in front of.
“Always follow your heart, trust your first instincts, actively participate in your own life, live it, and don’t let anyone stop you from having everything you want.” Helene had told her that night.
‘I wonder if my life would be any different if I had listened to her advice that night.’ Pam shook herself out of her thoughts as she approached the door and rang the doorbell. Admonishing herself for having such selfish thoughts, she shook her head and forced a smile, waiting to be let inside the house. This was no time to be thinking of herself when it was clear her family had something much more pressing going on.
After what felt like ages, Penny finally came to answer the door appearing frazzled, her blonde hair in a messy pony tail, without makeup, wearing jogging pants and a University of Scranton sweatshirt. Penny stepped out on the porch to greet Pam, and the sisters shared a hug, holding each other a little tighter than normal.
“Hey, you got here super fast.” Penny said, breaking the hug and reaching to close the front door, as they remained on the front porch.
“Yeah, I think I beat rush hour, there was barely any traffic.” Pam said, as she went to sit on one the porch swing that was to the left of the front door. A light breeze blew through her hair, and she mindlessly tried to place a few unruly strands behind her ear.
“Do you think if we stay out here long enough, everything will just go away?” Penny asked, sitting next to Pam, as she faced the tree lined street with a blank expression on her face.
“What’s going on? Did they tell you what’s wrong?” Pam asked, as she wringed her hands unconsciously.
“No, they didn’t. I was talking to mom last night, she didn’t sound right, and when I asked her what was wrong she said we’d talk about it soon enough.” Penny said, crossing her right leg underneath her left, as she leaned back against the swing placing her head on top of the cushion.
“I spoke to her last night too, I was kind of upset about some stuff and she didn’t even seem to be listening. That’s really not like her, but I figured she just thought I was wrong about the whole situation.” Pam said, once again admonishing herself for bringing up her problems during a possible family crisis.
“What happened? Is it Jim again?” Penny asked, turning to her sister, placing an arm around her shoulder for comfort.
“Sort of. I mean… we’re… we’re just not friends anymore, and I don’t… no, forget it. It’s not important.” Pam said, twisting her fingers around her necklace, trying to fight the sudden urge she had to shed tears.
“I know you told me he was upset because Roy tried to attack him. But do you really think he’s done being your friend? After he told you what he loved you, I find it hard to believe that he can just turn it off like that. Maybe you need to give him some more time to calm down? Maybe talk to him like you used to?” Penny asked, furrowing her brow in concern.
“Well, he won’t even look at me, he won’t accept my apology. He is effectively ignoring me all day, every day. That makes it kind of hard to even say a quick hello to him. So I’m pretty sure we’re done being friends. How can I blame him for hating me though? The whole drive here I was just trying to convince myself that we were never that close to begin with. Sort of like therapy, only cheaper.” Pam said quietly as she stared out at the street, the sun beginning to set behind the trees that were swaying in the wind.
“Pam I’m sorry. I know how much he means to you. But guys get over things faster than we women do. Just give him time.” Penny said, leaning in to give Pam a one armed hug, as Pam leaned her head on Penny’s shoulder. The sisters sat like that for a few moments, until Pam lifted her head and dried her eyes of the tears that were too stubborn to stay away.
“Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m going to look for a new job and get away from him. Until I find something, I can just ignore him as much as possible. Stay out of his way. It’s clearly what he wants. Anyway, should we go in? It’s getting chilly out here. And I’m sure whatever mom and dad have to tell us is more important than my soap opera life. I hope it’s that they’re moving to Boca or something. I don’t think I can handle something serious Penny.” Pam said softly. Penny nodded in reply. They both rose from the swing and made their way inside their parent’s house.
***********
Jim sat at his desk staring at sales forms that were in front of him. He hadn’t been motivated to do much work in the early hours of the work day, but since Pam had left in such a hurry, ignoring his questioning glance, he channeled his frustration into his work. He managed to close three sales, schedule a few in person client meetings for next week, and he tracked some shipments. With a half hour left in the day he decided to fill out his expense reports. As soon as he looked at the report, placing his calculator to his right, his brain started screeching and he lost all ability to concentrate. Every brain cell had one word on it. Pam.
Jim thought back to the days when he and Pam were close. She was his best friend, and it pained him now to think that he was using past tense to refer to their relationship. He still felt angry, betrayed, and hurt that Pam would fall back into a relationship with Roy when it was such a huge mistake. Roy wasn’t the one for her. He knew that. He just hoped she finally realized it too.
‘What Pam does is none of my business.’ he reminded himself. He was with Karen now. Karen was certain of what she wanted. There was never any wavering with her. She was direct, to the point, and matter of fact. And he was learning little by little that that’s what he needed, a woman who told him what she wanted. He just hoped that whatever was going on with Pam wasn’t as serious as her tone made it seem.
As the minutes grew closer to five, his expense report still staring him in the face, his stubborn mind would not stop drifting to the days when things were good between him and Pam. He thought about all the times they would have lunch together, the times they spent splitting Sun Chips on the roof during the summer, the times they would go to an afternoon movie one Saturday a month.
‘Stop going down that road’ he told himself, trying to get his mind back on track. He managed another five minutes of work with a clear head before he packed up and made his way to the parking lot to his car. He sat in his car for a moment before starting it, saying a silent prayer for everything to be OK for Pam. Despite the hurt, despite the anger and grief he and Pam were causing each other, he truly hoped everything was OK.
As he rounded the corner to Karen’s apartment, he knew he needed to snap out of it and fast. Karen would notice something was wrong eventually, and would start questioning him. And he was not up for more long talks. He wasn’t sure how many more of those late night talks he could handle.
One entire week of talks after she found out that he still had feelings for Pam had done him in, beaten him into submission. Made him want to just agree with whatever she said at times just so he could get some sleep. During all of those talks he tried to downplay just how much Pam meant to him. He told Karen in no uncertain terms that he and Pam did kiss, but he followed it up immediately by telling her it didn’t mean anything.
He just hoped that Pam never heard that lie. He was frightened to think how she would feel after hearing that such a significant life changing moment meant nothing to him. No matter how strained their relationship was right now, he never wanted Pam to think he wasn’t sincere about his feelings towards her. Not that he was certain she would even care, since she didn’t feel the same way. Of that he was sure.
He tried once again to finally shake his mind out of his thoughts as he climbed the steps to Karen’s apartment. ‘Just act normal,’ he willed himself, as he knocked on her door.
**************
Pam sat at her parent’s kitchen table with her sister to her right, her mom in front of her and her father to her left. It was a quaint kitchen, painted a pale yellow, with white and yellow curtains over the kitchen window that looked out to the back yard. Above the sink stood small vases filled with little white and yellow ceramic tulips. The kitchen was always Pam’s favorite area in the house. It had a warm welcoming feeling to it, and was always filled with delicious smells of the foods and desserts her mother would prepare each day.
As the family of four sat at the table, they stared intently at Helene, who was slowly filling everyone’s plates with roast beef and sweet potatoes. No one had spoken much after the initial hugs and kisses Pam shared with her parents when she first stepped into the house with Penny. Pam silently went about salting and cutting her meat and filling her glass with fresh squeezed lemonade.
Once her mom was finished filling her own dinner plate, she looked around at her family. Pam noticed her mother wince slightly as she gazed at her, giving her a slight nod while pursing her lips to a tight smile. Pam returned her gaze with a forced smile, as she waited for someone to break the silence that was growing more palpable by the second. The longer she sat there, the more irrational her thoughts became.
“They’re getting a divorce…they found out I tried cigarettes once… they’re disowning me because I called off the wedding and wasted a ton of money…I have a long lost brother...Memah died…they’re selling the house…”
After a few more minutes that grew in intensity and anxiety, Pam finally spoke with a tone of urgency in her voice as she tried to silence her brain.
“Mom, are we going to talk about what’s going on? I’m pretty sure you all didn’t interrupt my work day for a fun little family dinner.” Pam said flatly, trying to quash her high level of emotions to no avail.
“Let’s eat first?” Helen said questioningly as she looked around the table for approval.
“Mom, just out with it, what’s going on? We’re both more than a little concerned here.” Penny interjected before Pam had a chance to voice the same thoughts.
“Alright, I wanted to wait until we all ate, but alright.” Helene said, reaching for her husbands’ hand, he took it without hesitation as he stared at her and nodded in approval. Helene took a deep breath and continued.
“For the past few weeks I’ve been going for some tests. I went to see my gynecologist, for a routine exam last month, he sent me for what was supposed to be a routine mammogram, because of my age.” Helene stopped to take another breath as she looked from Pam to Penny, and back to her husband, who was holding her hand tightly.
“OK?” Pam asked, her tone of voice pleading with her mother to continue. She looked from her mother to Penny who was wide eyed with her mouth agape. Suddenly it was as if they both knew what their mother was going to say next. Helene continued to speak as she looked directly at Pam, whose brow was furrowed at the center of her forehead.
“Well, see, the mammogram showed a mass. I.... Um….” Helene stuttered, attempting to fight back tears. She reached for her husband’s hand, and he spoke for her.
“Girls, your mom has breast cancer.” He said succinctly.
“What? Oh my God! Mom! What?” Pam whispered, shaking her head in disbelief, looking down at her uneaten food, placed her napkin next to her plate, and slowly and shakily stood and made her way to her mother’s side. Helene rose from her seat and quickly embraced Pam in a tight hug.
“It’s going to be OK, Pammy. It’s going to be OK.” Helene said as she rubbed Pam’s back. Penny and her father got out of their seats, and soon the family of four was in a tight group hug, sobs the only sounds breaking the deep silence around them.
*******************
“Hey. You’re not ready yet are you?” Jim said jokingly as Karen stood at her apartment door wearing yoga pants and a tee shirt.
“Actually, Jim… uhm…. Come in and sit.” Karen said, as she moved to the side to let him in, holding the door opened.
“Something wrong?” Jim asked, taking off his jacket and placing it on the arm of the couch and sat.
“We need to talk.” Karen answered in an even tone, as she sat down on the love seat, angling herself to face Jim. He sat with his elbows on his thighs, hands clasped at the center, turning his head to face her.
“Again? Come on Karen, can’t we just get back to having fun and hanging out?” He asked with a tone of frustration in his voice, instantly feeling guilty for being so curt. Karen pursed her lips and glared at Jim with a mixed expression of annoyance and anger on her face.
“That’s just the thing Jim! You just want to have fun, hang out, and never move forward. Or should I say, you never want to move forward with me. I’m so stupid for not having this talk sooner. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I don’t think we’re going to work out. I can’t be with someone who has a thing for someone else. Even if it’s unrequited like you keep saying. This is over Jim.” Karen said resolutely.
“Woah….Hold on… OK…What? Seriously Karen…what are you talking about? I… I thought we were doing well here Karen! Where is this coming from?” He asked, shaking his head in disbelief, feeling like someone knocked the wind out of him.
“Where is this coming from? You have to ask that?” Karen asked incredulously.
“Yeah… You’re blindsiding me here Karen!” Jim said, with a tone of exasperation.
“Look Jim, I really wanted us to work out. I really did. I wouldn’t have moved here if I didn’t want to be with you. But the fact of the matter is I can’t be with someone who is in love with someone else, and who also happens to be so unforgiving.”
“What?” Jim exclaimed loudly, raking his hands through his hair.
“See, I was stupid for not doing this before, when I asked you if you still had feelings for Pam and you said yes, I should have just ended it then. I held on because I thought we had potential. I thought we could make it work. But I’ve been watching you, how hurt you are about what happened with Roy, and how you’ve been treating Pam. And I just can’t do it. If you are so mean to someone you had feelings for and were best friends with, I can’t help thinking what happens when we have problems, that you’re just going to walk away and not try to fix things.” Karen said, willing herself to stay strong.
“OK hold on. I’m unforgiving? You’re breaking it off because I’m unforgiving? I told you, I’m over her Karen. Those long talks helped! Really, they did. I had feelings for her, it’s true. But I don’t anymore. Why can’t you just give me a break here? I’m with you, not her! Why can’t that be enough for now?” Jim asked as he tried to get a handle on the situation as his head began to spin.
“See this is the problem! You don’t get it. The girl apologized to you, you said it yourself, and yet you still treat her like she’s invisible. I know it sounds like I’m sticking up for Pam here, but really I’m trying to protect myself. Like I said, I should have done this a month ago, but I stupidly hung on. And I can’t do it anymore. Because when the going gets tough, you walk away! When someone apologizes to you, someone you say you had feelings for and you considered a best friend, you turn your back on them.”
“The guy tried to attack me Karen.” He interrupted in defense, as he glared at her.
“I can’t be with someone like that. I can’t be with someone who turns on people they say they care about. And I definitely shouldn’t be with someone who told me not too long ago that they still had feelings for someone else. This isn’t a game here Jim. I’m not here to be your rebound, and I’m not here to make her jealous.” She said, closing her eyes and trying to catch her breath.
“I’m not using you to make her jealous! I can’t even believe you would say that!” Jim said with wide eyes, his cheeks flush, anger building in his stomach.
“That’s how I see it Jim. Maybe if you hadn’t admitted to still having feelings for her, this would have all been different. Or if you would have told me from the beginning what I was dealing with, maybe that would have changed how our relationship developed. But it’s over Jim. And the only thing I’m sorry about is that I didn’t do this sooner.” She said, realizing that she didn’t have an urge to cry.
“Well. I guess I can’t say anything to make you think differently then huh?” Jim said angrily, staring straight ahead. After a moment he got his jacket and slowly rose from the couch, turning to look at Karen who was still sitting, staring up at him.
“No, I’ve made my decision. I’m going to move back to Connecticut this weekend.” She stood up from the love seat and went over to the door, Jim following behind as he put on his jacket.
“I’m sorry Karen. I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry.” Jim whispered, his head still reeling.
“Yeah, me too Jim. It’s for the best though. Goodbye.” She said, holding the door open for him.
“Is it for the best?” he asked, suddenly feeling lost and confused.
“For me it is. I have to do what’s best for me.” She said resolutely.
“OK. Uh… I guess do what you have to do for yourself. Take care of yourself.” Jim said in a soft tone, glancing down at his shoes, her words finally sinking in.
“I will. You too.” She said as he walked out and she closed the door behind him. He stood at her door for a moment, their entire conversation playing over in his head as he tried to make sense of it all. The sound of the dead bolt lock broke him out of his thoughts, and he walked out of her complex with his head down and hands in his pockets, a slew of questions on his mind as he got in his car and drove mindlessly to his apartment.
‘What just happened? ... It’s really over? ... I should be sad, upset? … Why do I just feel so numb? … What am I going to do now?’
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© 2006-2023 More Than That | Skin created by Kali